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post #76 of 149 (permalink) Old 10-17-2017, 12:13 PM
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Re: Need some help on getting over wife's past sexual encounters

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Lets also not confuse emotional discomfort with judgement.

This is one hell of a bombshell no matter how one slices it, and will understandably cause confusion, discomfort, and hurt in most people who would happen to be on the receiving end of it. I think it is likely an absolute necessity to get into professional counseling, especially since the wife does not seem to fully grasp the impact of this, and isn't terribly willing or able to show the empathy he needs. She has had decades to process, work through, bury, forget all this. He has not.
Emotions cause discomfort at times. Sometime contentment. The discomfort affords an opportunity to judge. Anyone divulging personal information is going to be judged. We are only human.


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― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #77 of 149 (permalink) Old 10-17-2017, 12:13 PM
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Re: Need some help on getting over wife's past sexual encounters

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I'm away from my computer until later so I'm using my phone which I hate but I'll try to answer some of the questions.
Yes, she was young when she married her first husband. They had both the children together. After their divorce and at the end of the 6 months escort life she decided she wanted better for her and the kids, her second husband was 16 years older than her and she saw him as being stable because of a job and owned a house and no, he wasn't a client. They met by accident, she had made a wrong call and while they were talking he told her that he remembered seeing her at this company function a few days earlier, he was a salesman and she was there with someone else.
When I was 17 I became pregnant with my oldest daughter. I gave birth at 18. I married her father to "do the right thing" just after my 19th birthday. My ex was a POS. No way around that. Wouldn't/couldn't keep a job, was a drunk and would do whatever other drugs that happened to be available, had his mom paying the bills most months, on and on. We had a 2nd daughter during the marriage. The marriage was a sham, an epic disaster, complete with abuse of all kinds and multiple affairs on both sides. When I was 24, I met a man and fell in love. I couldn't do it anymore. I'd become hopeless and apathetic. I was in a dark place and just gave up. Meeting the love of my life shocked me out of it and I knew I had to make changes. Even if I didn't end up with him. When I left at 24 I was suddenly faced with providing for two young children, then ages 6 and 1, with no car, no job training, and an education that could be summed up in 3 letters...GED. I knew my POS ex certainly wasn't going to actually pay his child support and that left 100% of the financial responsibility on me. It's nearly 18 years later, the girls are 24 and 18 now, and exPOS never paid a dime.

When you're a reasonably attractive young woman who is desperate for cash to feed, house, and clothe her children...let me tell you, the idea of exchanging sex for money doesn't seem so outlandish. Lord knows I considered it. Thankfully, I was involved in a relationship with a man who was willing to take responsibility for me and my kids. Otherwise, I may have had a history of sex work myself.

Your wife's situation sounds a bit familiar. Young, POS exH, kids to support. Did she turn to sex work in order to support her babies? If so, the only thing this says about her as a person is that she is willing to do whatever it takes to provide for those she loves.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #78 of 149 (permalink) Old 10-17-2017, 12:35 PM
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Re: Need some help on getting over wife's past sexual encounters

@MJJEAN

Thanks for sharing that post. I had a similar impression here but had no direct experience to relate. Your tale is both illuminating and enlightening.
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post #79 of 149 (permalink) Old 10-17-2017, 12:42 PM
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Re: Need some help on getting over wife's past sexual encounters

Let's say you are a young boy- and the next door kid or the uncle or the babysitter or whomever-

Molests you.

And you keep that shame a secret forever. And it affects your life in ways that no one but you understand.

And one day- you feel safe to tell your partner.
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post #80 of 149 (permalink) Old 10-17-2017, 12:53 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by In_Shock View Post
I'm away from my computer until later so I'm using my phone which I hate but I'll try to answer some of the questions.
Yes, she was young when she married her first husband. They had both the children together. After their divorce and at the end of the 6 months escort life she decided she wanted better for her and the kids, her second husband was 16 years older than her and she saw him as being stable because of a job and owned a house and no, he wasn't a client. They met by accident, she had made a wrong call and while they were talking he told her that he remembered seeing her at this company function a few days earlier, he was a salesman and she was there with someone else.
When I was 17 I became pregnant with my oldest daughter. I gave birth at 18. I married her father to "do the right thing" just after my 19th birthday. My ex was a POS. No way around that. Wouldn't/couldn't keep a job, was a drunk and would do whatever other drugs that happened to be available, had his mom paying the bills most months, on and on. We had a 2nd daughter during the marriage. The marriage was a sham, an epic disaster, complete with abuse of all kinds and multiple affairs on both sides. When I was 24, I met a man and fell in love. I couldn't do it anymore. I'd become hopeless and apathetic. I was in a dark place and just gave up. Meeting the love of my life shocked me out of it and I knew I had to make changes. Even if I didn't end up with him. When I left at 24 I was suddenly faced with providing for two young children, then ages 6 and 1, with no car, no job training, and an education that could be summed up in 3 letters...GED. I knew my POS ex certainly wasn't going to actually pay his child support and that left 100% of the financial responsibility on me. It's nearly 18 years later, the girls are 24 and 18 now, and exPOS never paid a dime.

When you're a reasonably attractive young woman who is desperate for cash to feed, house, and clothe her children...let me tell you, the idea of exchanging sex for money doesn't seem so outlandish. Lord knows I considered it. Thankfully, I was involved in a relationship with a man who was willing to take responsibility for me and my kids. Otherwise, I may have had a history of sex work myself.

Your wife's situation sounds a bit familiar. Young, POS exH, kids to support. Did she turn to sex work in order to support her babies? If so, the only thing this says about her as a person is that she is willing to do whatever it takes to provide for those she loves.
Wow, I thought you were my wife for a second. My wife's ex's didn't do her any favors, they kept her from school, had her believing that she wasn't worth anything. By the time we met and fell in love we were always looking out for one another. When I mentioned about going back to college she was behind me 100% and when I told her that she should go with me she said that she never finished high school so I told her that I would wait until she got her GED, she worked hard, I supported and helped in anyway that I could, when she took the test she ended up having the highest score in the state for that month, we both went to college came out with computer technology and opened a very successful computer repair shop that we still have today along with a couple of other small businesses.

All this I couldn't have done it without her.
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post #81 of 149 (permalink) Old 10-17-2017, 12:55 PM
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Re: Need some help on getting over wife's past sexual encounters

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How much intimate value can one assign to sex if they engage in such behavior?

I can tell you that my hb engaged in a lot of such behavior ands it honestly makes me feel like I'm one in a long line. I don't respect it at all.

He clearly doesn't view sex as intimate as I do so how can I be that special? It's not good for the marriage at all.


For me, and many like me, sex and intimacy are not mutually inclusive or exclusive. I may be terrible at explaining, but I'll try because I hope to be helpful.

Casual sex isn't an intimate act. It's purely for physical pleasure and release. Very akin to an intense workout that leaves you and your workout partner feeling really good at the end. Non-casual sex within a loving committed relationship is completely different. That is an intimate act. The emotional involvement is transformative. There's just this certain something hard to define about non-casual vs casual sex. Non-casual is just deeper, has meaning, and is a sharing of self that just doesn't happen during casual encounters.

Your husband may very well view sex with you as a deeply intimate and special act.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #82 of 149 (permalink) Old 10-17-2017, 12:58 PM
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Re: Need some help on getting over wife's past sexual encounters

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Originally Posted by In_Shock View Post
No I don't. When I asked her why now she said that we were having a deep, serious talk and she just felt the need. Over the past 24 years we have had lots of deep, serious talks and she never felt the need to say anything until now.
I can understand the shock after finding out because you had an image of your wife's past in your mind for many years. When finding out that the image was wrong, it is tough. However, I did some things when I was in my early 20's that I'm not proud of and it does not affect of who I am today.

Always remind yourself that your wife has been a good wife for more than 20 years and she seems to love you. Therefore your wife still is a good person and a wonderful wife.
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post #83 of 149 (permalink) Old 10-17-2017, 01:15 PM
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Re: Need some help on getting over wife's past sexual encounters

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Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
For me, and many like me, sex and intimacy are not mutually inclusive or exclusive. I may be terrible at explaining, but I'll try because I hope to be helpful.

Casual sex isn't an intimate act. It's purely for physical pleasure and release. Very akin to an intense workout that leaves you and your workout partner feeling really good at the end. Non-casual sex within a loving committed relationship is completely different. That is an intimate act. The emotional involvement is transformative. There's just this certain something hard to define about non-casual vs casual sex. Non-casual is just deeper, has meaning, and is a sharing of self that just doesn't happen during casual encounters.

Your husband may very well view sex with you as a deeply intimate and special act.
How can one who is the partner of one who separates the two tell the difference? Especially if they never have separated the two?

"Let's never stop having sex. We're so good at it, we OWE it to sex to never stop having it."
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post #84 of 149 (permalink) Old 10-17-2017, 01:17 PM
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Re: Need some help on getting over wife's past sexual encounters

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Originally Posted by In_Shock View Post
Wow, I thought you were my wife for a second. My wife's ex's didn't do her any favors, they kept her from school, had her believing that she wasn't worth anything. By the time we met and fell in love we were always looking out for one another. When I mentioned about going back to college she was behind me 100% and when I told her that she should go with me she said that she never finished high school so I told her that I would wait until she got her GED, she worked hard, I supported and helped in anyway that I could, when she took the test she ended up having the highest score in the state for that month, we both went to college came out with computer technology and opened a very successful computer repair shop that we still have today along with a couple of other small businesses.

All this I couldn't have done it without her.
Does your wife compartmentalize well? People who have been through rough times and made it out tend to compartmentalize well. This can be a very good trait. It can also be terrible. Some use their compartmentalization skills to make their lives better. Others, not so much. It sounds like your wife has been to rock bottom, a place most people will never see, and clawed her way out. She took the coping skills she developed and did whatever was necessary to make her life better and to help make the lives of those she loves better, too.

I think your wife sounds like a wonderful woman. Loving, loyal, hard working, intelligent, with compassionate heart and gentle soul. So what if she worked as a prostitute for a time more than a generation ago? If she has loved you well, physically and emotionally, it doesn't matter.

I think, deep down, you never followed up on her "not counting 6 months" comment because you didn't want to know because maybe you suspected you wouldn't like what you'd hear. Then, so many years later, she told you anyways. You deeply love her, aren't leaving her, and letting this eat away at you serves no purpose. I think your best chance at acceptance is to recognize that her past experiences are part of what made her into who she is, cannot be changed, and cannot mar or tarnish the life you've shared.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #85 of 149 (permalink) Old 10-17-2017, 01:17 PM
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Re: Need some help on getting over wife's past sexual encounters

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How can one who is the partner of one who separates the two tell the difference? Especially if they never have separated the two?
I can tell when my wife is looking for deep connection in sex and when she's just looking to get freaky. It's actually quite obvious.

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post #86 of 149 (permalink) Old 10-17-2017, 01:38 PM
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Re: Need some help on getting over wife's past sexual encounters

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Wow, I thought you were my wife for a second. My wife's ex's didn't do her any favors, they kept her from school, had her believing that she wasn't worth anything. By the time we met and fell in love we were always looking out for one another. When I mentioned about going back to college she was behind me 100% and when I told her that she should go with me she said that she never finished high school so I told her that I would wait until she got her GED, she worked hard, I supported and helped in anyway that I could, when she took the test she ended up having the highest score in the state for that month, we both went to college came out with computer technology and opened a very successful computer repair shop that we still have today along with a couple of other small businesses.

All this I couldn't have done it without her.
Seems like you know the path OP.
Now you need to get your ego out of the way and let yourself walk it.

As you can tell by some of the post itt that wouldnt even be close to possible for many people. If I was a betting man I'd say you'll get there.

Start with Intent.

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post #87 of 149 (permalink) Old 10-17-2017, 01:48 PM
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Re: Need some help on getting over wife's past sexual encounters

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When I was 17 I became pregnant with my oldest daughter. I gave birth at 18. I married her father to "do the right thing" just after my 19th birthday. My ex was a POS. No way around that. Wouldn't/couldn't keep a job, was a drunk and would do whatever other drugs that happened to be available, had his mom paying the bills most months, on and on. We had a 2nd daughter during the marriage. The marriage was a sham, an epic disaster, complete with abuse of all kinds and multiple affairs on both sides. When I was 24, I met a man and fell in love. I couldn't do it anymore. I'd become hopeless and apathetic. I was in a dark place and just gave up. Meeting the love of my life shocked me out of it and I knew I had to make changes. Even if I didn't end up with him. When I left at 24 I was suddenly faced with providing for two young children, then ages 6 and 1, with no car, no job training, and an education that could be summed up in 3 letters...GED. I knew my POS ex certainly wasn't going to actually pay his child support and that left 100% of the financial responsibility on me. It's nearly 18 years later, the girls are 24 and 18 now, and exPOS never paid a dime.

When you're a reasonably attractive young woman who is desperate for cash to feed, house, and clothe her children...let me tell you, the idea of exchanging sex for money doesn't seem so outlandish. Lord knows I considered it. Thankfully, I was involved in a relationship with a man who was willing to take responsibility for me and my kids. Otherwise, I may have had a history of sex work myself.

Your wife's situation sounds a bit familiar. Young, POS exH, kids to support. Did she turn to sex work in order to support her babies? If so, the only thing this says about her as a person is that she is willing to do whatever it takes to provide for those she loves.
This is a good post. I certainly see the difference in being a sex worker because you are desperate and say paying off collage loans. But the truth is it's up to OP it's also quite understandable that it's a hard thing to get used to at first.

OP from the sounds of it you love your wife. Let it go if you can. People do dumb stuff. Has she hurt you? Doesn't sound like it, accept for maybe not telling you. But she did now. Compared to the crappy people you read about on here she is golden.
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post #88 of 149 (permalink) Old 10-17-2017, 01:58 PM
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Re: Need some help on getting over wife's past sexual encounters

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Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
For me, and many like me, sex and intimacy are not mutually inclusive or exclusive. I may be terrible at explaining, but I'll try because I hope to be helpful.

Casual sex isn't an intimate act. It's purely for physical pleasure and release. Very akin to an intense workout that leaves you and your workout partner feeling really good at the end. Non-casual sex within a loving committed relationship is completely different. That is an intimate act. The emotional involvement is transformative. There's just this certain something hard to define about non-casual vs casual sex. Non-casual is just deeper, has meaning, and is a sharing of self that just doesn't happen during casual encounters.

Your husband may very well view sex with you as a deeply intimate and special act.
This is an important distinction that I think people should talk about before they get married. To me it's a problem when two people feel different. I am also not talking about the type of person who holds their partner to a different standard then their own. Your actions in this regard show how you really feel. Meaning don't pretend like you were waiting for love, expect your partner to, when you have a very high count. That's crap and you are just insecure. My wife and I feel the same way and both of us could count on one hand our sex partners. I also never feel jelous about it anyway.

In this case though it sounds like OP and his wife were on the same page here. It's not like she pretended to be a the type that waits for love to have sex. I just think it's going to take time to get used to.
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post #89 of 149 (permalink) Old 10-17-2017, 02:11 PM
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Re: Need some help on getting over wife's past sexual encounters

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Raises hand, judges people by their actions every day all day long. Just like everyone else in the world. The idea that we shouldn't judge people by their actions is a silly. Good luck with that. Feel free to judge me.
1. Your doing wrong.
2. Cuz everybody does? Ya that makes it ok.
3. The person yall are looking to judge no longer exists. This didn't happen last week.


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post #90 of 149 (permalink) Old 10-17-2017, 02:19 PM
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Re: Need some help on getting over wife's past sexual encounters

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1. Your doing wrong.
2. Cuz everybody does? Ya that makes it ok.
3. The person yall are looking to judge no longer exists. This didn't happen last week.


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Who did I judge here exactly? What person?

It's OK because it's OK. Why would I feel guilty about it. You do it too though you are acting all high and mighty about it (doing it in this post and the last, though I guess you don't see the irony). It's human nature, how do we make decisions about who to let in and out of our lives without judging people, how stupid we would all be not to. Again the idea that you shouldn't judge people is postmodern nonsense Probably made up by some ******* who didn't want to be judged on their doucheness.
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