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post #16 of 48 (permalink) Old 11-07-2017, 09:21 AM
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Re: Husband's Friendship with Younger Female

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Originally Posted by marriageontherocks2 View Post
You would think, but as you get older, especially for men, friendships are tough to come by, I'll take what I can get. I love the outdoors, the few friends I have close by are basically couch potatoes who eat and drink too much, and sitting around for 10 hours drinking beer and watching college football isn't how I like to spend a beautiful late fall day.

It's strictly platonic, she's young, very pretty, engaged, and just starting her life. I'm old, married, with 3 kids. I admit it's an odd friendship and goes against my own advice for opposite sex friendships, but that's all it is.
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post #17 of 48 (permalink) Old 11-07-2017, 09:23 AM
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Re: Husband's Friendship with Younger Female

.

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Last edited by Rowan; 11-07-2017 at 09:23 AM. Reason: Duplicate post...
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post #18 of 48 (permalink) Old 11-07-2017, 09:36 AM
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GatorXP said it best ?It's not the girl that's the problem or your husbands relationship with her.?

In the position I am in I get approached by a lot of younger women. I am 40, I know better than to think a woman in her 20s is really interested in me for anything more than what she could get out of me. In the past it was an ego boost, I admit. I?d make small talk with the women, they would flirt and I never gave into temptation, thank God, but I was definitely tempted to. I?ve matured a lot and now do not allow women to get close enough to tempt me, and I will verbally call out a woman who crosses a line.

The difference now is that my wife is much more attentive. Back then, after having our youngest, it took a few years for her to get her body back to where she felt sexy again. In that time sex decreased and her attitude was all mommy mode and I became detached due to the lower frequency of sex. It happens, less sex and intimacy will result in a detached husband. If the husband is detached he will be tempted. It?s no different than the wife whose husband doesn?t give her attention or compliments and she starts getting compliments from another man and enjoys it, it is an ego boost and it is tempting.

As a man my advice OP is to work on your marriage, date your husband. If he is happy at home he will not give in to temptation outside. If he is just a mentor to this younger woman because of work, then let it be. But if he crosses a boundary get angry and call him out on it.
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post #19 of 48 (permalink) Old 11-07-2017, 10:04 AM
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Re: Husband's Friendship with Younger Female

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The problem is rarely solved on the level of the problem.

It's not the girl that's the problem or your husbands relationship with her.
Oh for **** sure it is.
Respect. Totally lacking.

Waaaa- I need my friends who are young and hot.

Gross.
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post #20 of 48 (permalink) Old 11-07-2017, 10:19 AM
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Re: Husband's Friendship with Younger Female

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Oh for **** sure it is.
Respect. Totally lacking.

Waaaa- I need my friends who are young and hot.

Gross.
Oh I like this.
SC your struggling here today.

Always outward.. never inward right?
^^^^^
Sarcasm

The point is, as Jay iluded to, if they were in a co-comitted partnership, the H would think he was cursed if he was forced to have an EA with someone and put his relationship in jeapordy.

But they are not and you have to see the problem not the symptoms if you want to fix anything.

No one said the husband didn't have fault. If we could get our grubby mitts on him we would punch him in the face and yell WAKE UP. But we don't have H here we Have W, and she needs the same.


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post #21 of 48 (permalink) Old 11-07-2017, 10:29 AM
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Re: Husband's Friendship with Younger Female

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Originally Posted by marriageontherocks2 View Post
You would think, but as you get older, especially for men, friendships are tough to come by, I'll take what I can get. I love the outdoors, the few friends I have close by are basically couch potatoes who eat and drink too much, and sitting around for 10 hours drinking beer and watching college football isn't how I like to spend a beautiful late fall day.

It's strictly platonic, she's young, very pretty, engaged, and just starting her life. I'm old, married, with 3 kids. I admit it's an odd friendship and goes against my own advice for opposite sex friendships, but that's all it is.
I have the same issues, only worse.

How many 70 year old men can run ten miles, bike 30? Swim for an hour.?
And how many peers will join you?
Even go fishing or golfing with you?

Oh, I am no longer fast, just enduring...
Not endearing to my male pals. I make them look bad. Not intentionally.

It gets worse with age.
My best bet are old army buddies, and younger ones!

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out. The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall.
The Host, Rd is ill, any years left, remain now, in doubt? Red Dog is now lost to us.
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post #22 of 48 (permalink) Old 11-07-2017, 10:40 AM
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Re: Husband's Friendship with Younger Female

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I have the same issues, only worse.

How many 70 year old men can run ten miles, bike 30? Swim for an hour.?
And how many peers will join you?
Even go fishing or golfing with you?

Oh, I am no longer fast, just enduring...
Not endearing to my male pals. I make them look bad. Not intentionally.

It gets worse with age.
My best bet are old army buddies, and younger ones!
I already basically do everything alone because men my age are married, out of shape, helicopter parent their kids, they do nothing for themselves. They're literally like the walking dead I don't know how they do it. That's the only reason why I do hike with her, I'm happy for the company and friendship.

I do a lot with my son, but he's getting older and not as interested. It's very difficult to find people with active lifestyles as you get older, too many distractions and life is so busy for everyone.
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post #23 of 48 (permalink) Old 11-07-2017, 01:15 PM
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Re: Husband's Friendship with Younger Female

Now, here's the 'around' worker.

My younger brother was like this...loved to go hiking, camping, etc.
And finding no willing companions...

He got a young beauty like yours.
That, yes, she could run him into the ground and did...with nary a puff, nary a heavy breath.
Then he got another female, a little stouter, a little slower. She clung to him like glue.
Kissing his face, unabashedly. That naughty she.

My brother got two female dogs, a German Shepherd and a Rottweiler.
The Shepherd would run to the top of mountains come back and do it again.

The Rottweiler and my brother just trudged...up.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out. The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall.
The Host, Rd is ill, any years left, remain now, in doubt? Red Dog is now lost to us.
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post #24 of 48 (permalink) Old 11-07-2017, 11:54 PM
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Re: Husband's Friendship with Younger Female

A German Shepherd and a Rottweiler...too funny!

Reading this thread gives me so much hope! If you guys exist, there must be other men out there who are single and who are just as active.

I am a 52 year old woman about to hit the dating market (married 28 years, divorced for 2.5 years) and one of the things I seek in a man is his desire to be and stay active.

I love getting a brutal workout in at the gym 5-6 days a week (mostly free weights-barbell and dumbbell strength training, some machines), sweating, getting that endorphin fix for the day, etc. and I also love doing anything outside-biking, hiking, walking, etc. I enjoy raking leaves (great upper body and core workout), push mowing my yard, water skiing, snow skiing, roller skating, (not much experience ice skating)-anything physical and outside that gets my heart racing.

Like you, I notice that not many men (or women, either) age 50 and above, enjoy being active. In fact, the ones I observe are couch potatoes with a super sedentary lifestyle.

I want to be and see my self being one of those 100 plus year old women doing bicep curls with soup cans! You know, just to keep the blood flowing good!
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post #25 of 48 (permalink) Old 11-08-2017, 12:24 AM
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Re: Husband's Friendship with Younger Female

Oh no. It's happening...again. A husband is hanging out with a younger woman pretending that it is not what it looks like.

Don't let yourself get gaslighted. Trust yourself. Trust your common sense over his explanations and excuses.

If you saw this happening in a friend's marriage, what would you tell her? Listen to your own advice.

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post #26 of 48 (permalink) Old 11-08-2017, 04:51 AM
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Re: Husband's Friendship with Younger Female

Wow, I am shocked by most of the replies on this thread. The OP comes here and shares that her husband is having an emotional affair.

Most of the posts on this thread are members talking between each other and completely ignoring the OP. Then there are the ones blaming her for her husbands EA (If it's only a EA, we all know it might very well be a PA).

There are a few posts actually addressing the OP and her issue. And I thank those who gave her some good support.

Now contrast the replies that the OP got on this thread with those given to a man whose wife had an EA. https://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...-16-years.html

The difference is very telling.

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post #27 of 48 (permalink) Old 11-08-2017, 05:11 AM
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Re: Husband's Friendship with Younger Female

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A few months ago, I discovered that my husband's friendship with a younger female (he's 42, I'm 42, I'm 42) had gone too far in my mind. He was texting her somewhat flirtatiously, meeting at the gym, going out for beers and talking negatively about me without telling me. I suspected something was going on and confronted him about it. He said that it was just a friendship, similar to those with his guy friends from the fire department. I got very upset and asked that he not communicate with her. I admit that I was not very supportive of him for the past year. I've been depressed and withdrawn. Our daughter passed away four years ago and I'm doing my best to live life. I think I'm doing the best I can. Fast forward to now...his young lady friend asked him for help training for a firefighting physical exam. My husband told me he was doing this and the texts seemed innocent because he showed me his phone. She asked him to go with her to take her exam yesterday and he went to support her. I'm not sure how to feel about any of this. He assures me it's nothing but a friendship and firefighters support each other. But when I think about it I get very angry and upset. I tried to talk to him about it but he gets frustrated and says I should trust him with his friendships. I'm a very sensitive person and do struggle with self-esteem but the whole situation makes me a little sick. I work with males but I honestly would never think of texting them or hanging out with them outside of a big group. In fact, I wouldn't even go that far. Am I being overly sensitive or is my gut telling me something? Any ideas?
I am sorry that you have gotten so many useless replies on this thread. I'm hoping that you have not been run off of TAM.

What you need to know is that while both you and your husband share the state of your marriage, your husband is 100% responsible for his affair. Yes he is having an emotional affair at the very least. It might be a physical affair.

All this nonsense on this thread that it's ok for men in their 40's to hang out with younger women is nonsense. The dynamic of a younger woman with an older man is a pretty common affair dynamic.

To top it off, your husband had admitted to looking for women online and sending them naked pictures of himself and his junk. He's been out looking to cheat.

You have a serious problem and need to address it on a very serious level.

Take a look at this thread in which a man's wife had an EA. Look at the advice the posters are giving the man.. the man who admits to neglecting his wife. Read the thread and absorb the message. His wife is 100% responsible for her EA just as your husband is. Look at the advice given to the guy.... divorce her.... that's the only advice. No one is telling him that he needs to be nicer to her. No one is telling him that she needs to get into counseling and show his wife more love. Nope, they are telling him that she cheated (EA) and thus he needs to dump her because she's trash now. NO one asked him how often he dates his wife. No one asked him how their sex life is (implying that he's ignoring her sexually.)

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...l#post18639634

Take that advice and let it sink in. That's the advice that you need. Your husband is cheating. You need to think about how seriously he is disrespecting you and mistreating you. He thinks you are so stupid that you are going to put up with him having an EA (and perhaps PA) right under your nose. He thinks that he's going to make up some nonsense story about him just sending out photos of his junk to women to see if anyone finds him attractive.

You need to get angry at your husband. You need to let it since in that your husband is cheating on you and making a fool out of you.

And then you need to act on it based on that reality.

I'm going to give you the same advice I gave the guy in the other thread.....

There are 3 books that I think will help you here. They are quick reads. Read them in the order listed. They are all by Dr. Harley.

"Surviving an Affair"
"Love Busters"
"His Needs, Her Needs"

Your husband is having at least an emotional affair and you need to respond to this as a crisis.

The books will give you a plan of action. Do what they say to do. Do the work they say to do. Hopefully you will be able to get your wife to read "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" with you (after you read it first yourself and learn how to talk to her about this stuff) and hopefully she will do the work with you.

The "Surviving an Affair" book talks about plan A and Plan B. You have already done what Plan A says to do. So when you read the book pay a lot of attention to what you need to do about exposing his affair and then going to Plan B. Until he agrees to go no contact with his affair partner and agrees to do what is needed to recover your marriage, you need to stay in Plan B. (See the link in my signature block below for the 180, it's basically Plan B). You need to interact towards him per Plan B/180 until he ends his affair or until you are ready to file for divorce. Whichever comes first.

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post #28 of 48 (permalink) Old 11-08-2017, 08:06 AM
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Re: Husband's Friendship with Younger Female

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Originally Posted by marriageontherocks2 View Post
You would think, but as you get older, especially for men, friendships are tough to come by, I'll take what I can get. I love the outdoors, the few friends I have close by are basically couch potatoes who eat and drink too much, and sitting around for 10 hours drinking beer and watching college football isn't how I like to spend a beautiful late fall day.

It's strictly platonic, she's young, very pretty, engaged, and just starting her life. I'm old, married, with 3 kids. I admit it's an odd friendship and goes against my own advice for opposite sex friendships, but that's all it is.
i'm not getting it. If she's so all that why can't she make some friends who hike so that you two don't have to be one on one. You or she could start a meetup group and see if you attract other hiking lovers in the area.

Pretty soon, she'll be telling you how all the good ones are taken ...... like you .......
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post #29 of 48 (permalink) Old 11-08-2017, 09:46 AM
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Re: Husband's Friendship with Younger Female

@EleGirl - I didn't think my posts were thread jacks since I was giving perspective of a husband who has a younger female friend. It's possible he just likes her as a friend. If he's like me, I'm an introvert and as men get older friendships are much tougher to start, we seem to isolate ourselves into our work and families more than women and before you know it all your friends have moved away and you don't know anyone. I go from work to home, work to home, gets tough to meet new people, I'm basically the most senior person in my department so I'm not socializing with my employees. And all topics go like this, some of these topics are 1000+ posts and 950 of them basically off topic.

@NextTimeAround - She has the same issue, she's younger but just doesn't know anyone that likes outdoors stuff, she says all her friends are into shopping, going out to clubs, things like that and have no interest in hiking, camping (I obviously don't camp with her, day trips only). She tried with her fiance but he just doesn't like it and complains the entire time. Not everyone can simply make friends with very similar interests, especially as you get older, so I'm happy to have a friend like her.

I did just join meetup and a hiking club that arranges trips which looks promising, but most are not going to fit my schedule (these people have no jobs I guess?).
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post #30 of 48 (permalink) Old 11-08-2017, 10:24 AM
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Re: Husband's Friendship with Younger Female

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Originally Posted by ktheuerkauf View Post
A few months ago, I discovered that my husband's friendship with a younger female (he's 42, I'm 42, I'm 42) had gone too far in my mind. He was texting her somewhat flirtatiously, meeting at the gym, going out for beers and talking negatively about me without telling me. I suspected something was going on and confronted him about it. He said that it was just a friendship, similar to those with his guy friends from the fire department. I got very upset and asked that he not communicate with her. I admit that I was not very supportive of him for the past year. I've been depressed and withdrawn. Our daughter passed away four years ago and I'm doing my best to live life. I think I'm doing the best I can. Fast forward to now...his young lady friend asked him for help training for a firefighting physical exam. My husband told me he was doing this and the texts seemed innocent because he showed me his phone. She asked him to go with her to take her exam yesterday and he went to support her. I'm not sure how to feel about any of this. He assures me it's nothing but a friendship and firefighters support each other. But when I think about it I get very angry and upset. I tried to talk to him about it but he gets frustrated and says I should trust him with his friendships. I'm a very sensitive person and do struggle with self-esteem but the whole situation makes me a little sick. I work with males but I honestly would never think of texting them or hanging out with them outside of a big group. In fact, I wouldn't even go that far. Am I being overly sensitive or is my gut telling me something? Any ideas?
So I missed your post and I am sorry I didn't comment sooner. You have every right to be upset about this. This is entirely inappropriate. You are entitled to have boundaries. Sounds like your husband is the knight in shining armor type. At the very least marriage counseling. I'm sorry for you.
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