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post #196 of 228 (permalink) Old 02-12-2018, 11:26 AM
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Re: Why 80 percent of divorces filed by women explained.

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Originally Posted by Prodigal View Post
Uh, yeah, okay. So women should work low or menial paying jobs. If they do the same work as a man, they shouldn't get "fair" pay. And what is wrong with a woman wanting a teammate and friend who will listen? Perhaps you should read about John Adams. His wife, Abigail, was his touchstone. Reading their correspondence is an eye opener. And guess what? It happened in the 18th century - go figure!

Maybe just keeping women barefoot, pregnant, and uneducated will keep them from seeking divorce. And, from a woman and feminist to boot, let us hope we have evolved past your mindset. Seriously.
Fair pay is what you are worth. Period.
If you are talking about equality of outcome. That is never a good idea. History shows that is only available in socialism or communism. You want that? Innocent people die by the millions.

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post #197 of 228 (permalink) Old 02-12-2018, 11:37 AM
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Re: Why 80 percent of divorces filed by women explained.

My DD27 is an overachiever. She told me the other day that she and her fiance talked about the future and, since he doesn't like his job and she loves hers (research), and because she knows she would never be happy staying at home, he's going to be the SAHD. We'll see what happens.
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post #198 of 228 (permalink) Old 02-12-2018, 12:37 PM
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Re: Why 80 percent of divorces filed by women explained.

My husband didn't file for divorce because he's both lazy and selfish. He liked being married. He enjoyed being the respectable family man. He liked having a wife who was successful and active in the community. He liked having someone to manage all the stuff that makes up real life - housework, childcare, entertaining, family and social obligations - and a second income. He liked having an enthusiastic and active sex life. He would, and did, proclaim himself happily married.

He also liked shagging other women on the regular. Why give up all the perks of a marriage and have to do all that work for yourself, when you can stay married and have as much strange on the side as you'd like? It was the best of both worlds. Why would he ever voluntarily give that up?

I filed as soon as I found out about the serial cheating. He would never have filed. Why would he, when there was so much cake for the eating?

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi
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post #199 of 228 (permalink) Old 02-12-2018, 12:38 PM
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Re: Why 80 percent of divorces filed by women explained.

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My DD27 is an overachiever. She told me the other day that she and her fiance talked about the future and, since he doesn't like his job and she loves hers (research), and because she knows she would never be happy staying at home, he's going to be the SAHD. We'll see what happens.

That can be a very difficult dynamic to navigate happily for both partners in the long-term. I wish them luck with it.

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi
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post #200 of 228 (permalink) Old 02-12-2018, 12:43 PM
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Re: Why 80 percent of divorces filed by women explained.

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That can be a very difficult dynamic to navigate happily for both partners in the long-term. I wish them luck with it.
Do you think it will be a difficult dynamic where one partner is a SAH (regardless of who), or in this case where the guy specifically agreed to be the SAHD? I only know 1 SAHD, and since that has typically not been the norm, it is hard to gauge how well it has worked vs the more traditional SAHM.
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post #201 of 228 (permalink) Old 02-12-2018, 02:02 PM
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Re: Why 80 percent of divorces filed by women explained.

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Originally Posted by StillSearching View Post
Fair pay is what you are worth. Period.
If you are talking about equality of outcome. That is never a good idea. History shows that is only available in socialism or communism. You want that? Innocent people die by the millions.
What the hell are you talking about????

This is a discussion about the percentage of women who file for divorce, according to the OP. NOT the death of millions. Get a grip, okay? And that Ignore feature is your friend. Use it.

I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

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post #202 of 228 (permalink) Old 02-12-2018, 02:58 PM
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Re: Why 80 percent of divorces filed by women explained.

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Do you think it will be a difficult dynamic where one partner is a SAH (regardless of who), or in this case where the guy specifically agreed to be the SAHD? I only know 1 SAHD, and since that has typically not been the norm, it is hard to gauge how well it has worked vs the more traditional SAHM.
I think it may be somewhat easier in the case of a SAHW/M. I think society as a whole is less welcoming and accommodating of the SAHH/D dynamic. So that, I think, is more prone to external pressures than the more traditional wife-at-home format.

Honestly, though, I think either partner staying home can be fraught with issues. There's a very strong tendency, in my experience, for the partner who works outside the home to underestimate and devalue the contributions of the stay-at-home partner. That can, and often does, lead to a loss of respect for that partner which can cause building resentment on both sides. There's a power imbalance that's very tough for many people to deal with in healthy ways. It's easy to fall into patterns that are relationship killers.

I think having one parent stay at home can be workable, but only if both partners are not just willing, but actually enthusiastic about it. And then, only if they're informed and aware of the realities of that lifestyle choice for both partners and for their relationship.

Me? I would never be a SAHM. From the brief stints I was at home during pregnancy and with an ill newborn, I found it isolating and depressing and know I'm not cut out for it full-time. I also would never again work from home, unless my partner did as well.

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi
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post #203 of 228 (permalink) Old 02-12-2018, 03:22 PM
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Re: Why 80 percent of divorces filed by women explained.

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I think it may be somewhat easier in the case of a SAHW/M. I think society as a whole is less welcoming and accommodating of the SAHH/D dynamic. So that, I think, is more prone to external pressures than the more traditional wife-at-home format.

Honestly, though, I think either partner staying home can be fraught with issues. There's a very strong tendency, in my experience, for the partner who works outside the home to underestimate and devalue the contributions of the stay-at-home partner. That can, and often does, lead to a loss of respect for that partner which can cause building resentment on both sides. There's a power imbalance that's very tough for many people to deal with in healthy ways. It's easy to fall into patterns that are relationship killers.

I think having one parent stay at home can be workable, but only if both partners are not just willing, but actually enthusiastic about it. And then, only if they're informed and aware of the realities of that lifestyle choice for both partners and for their relationship.

Me? I would never be a SAHM. From the brief stints I was at home during pregnancy and with an ill newborn, I found it isolating and depressing and know I'm not cut out for it full-time. I also would never again work from home, unless my partner did as well.
I would say fortunately in my case we have had success in the SAHM arena, but do agree that there could be a slew of issues (in the same regard though, issues could present themselves on the other side with both parents working when it is not needed).

I am interested in the SAHD scenario (not for me lol), not necessarily how society views it, but how the W ultimately views it. Does it sound good on paper but in practice does it cause other issues (loss of attraction, etc...). In general, there is a lot to talk about before one of the parents decides to become a SAH, but is it a bigger risk to a relationship if the SAH is a male?

FYI - don't mean to sidetrack this thread.
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post #204 of 228 (permalink) Old 02-16-2018, 12:29 PM
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Re: Why 80 percent of divorces filed by women explained.

In my situation, I knew my marriage was not great. But I didn't think it was over. When he told me he wanted a divorce, I refused to be the one to file. When I learned that our marriage had been a joke for at least the last 7 years of it, I continued to insist that he file. He had kept me in the marriage to feed his narcissism and so we could still be the perfect little family in the eyes of everyone around us.

It was a small thing in the grand scheme of things, but I wanted the onus to be on him. Even if no one else really knows or cares who took the paperwork to the courthouse, I know. And I would do it that way again in a heartbeat.
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post #205 of 228 (permalink) Old 02-19-2018, 01:10 PM
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Re: Why 80 percent of divorces filed by women explained.

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fear
?

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post #206 of 228 (permalink) Old 04-12-2018, 06:07 AM
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Re: Why 80 percent of divorces filed by women explained.

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I would say fortunately in my case we have had success in the SAHM arena, but do agree that there could be a slew of issues (in the same regard though, issues could present themselves on the other side with both parents working when it is not needed).

I am interested in the SAHD scenario (not for me lol), not necessarily how society views it, but how the W ultimately views it. Does it sound good on paper but in practice does it cause other issues (loss of attraction, etc...). In general, there is a lot to talk about before one of the parents decides to become a SAH, but is it a bigger risk to a relationship if the SAH is a male?

FYI - don't mean to sidetrack this thread.
For us it wasn't necessarily a decision just how life and job loss in starting a new business from home worked out. I was a stay-at-home dad the last 3-4 years of the marriage and I understood I was giving up a roll but I also had... confidence that it wasn't worthy roll. We had three young daughters. Very quickly became a power imbalance. I wasn't allowed to have a debit card during that time and couldn't handle the criticism after grocery shopping or some decisions I made. I think she lost a lot of respect for me but I also think that happened before that.

I loved it and it was the best time being with the kids and doing all this little things but as far as the marriage goes it was hell. And it was not fun at all going to school events where there's 20 or 30 mom and you feel like the odd one out. Of course they want to know she was bad-mouthing me behind my back.

We're divorced now and either the courts are that biosource a female or her lawyer was such a good liar. Everything's going her way from a fabricated schedule to supposedly friends and church members lying in affidavits. It went badly for me what all I needed was a few months to temporary support to get on my feet.

Yes I asked for the divorce and she said no she did not want one. Then she turned around and had me served. It was a very bad time but now that things are settling out at least I don't have to live with the fact. She does. (and blames me).
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post #207 of 228 (permalink) Old 04-12-2018, 08:36 AM
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Re: Why 80 percent of divorces filed by women explained.

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Women do a lot better in divorce, they're awarded custody 90% of the time. Whoever is awarded custody typically gets the marital home, and receives support (alimony and/or child support) from the other spouse. If women got shafted like men they wouldn't be so quick to file. It's really simple to figure out, it's a a result of the biased courts against men.

If a woman was looking at losing her kids, home, incurring massive debt, living in a 1 bedroom dump rental, and handing her ex half her pay for the next 18 years, she would think long and hard before filing.
Most divorced couples are getting 50/50 custody nowadays. If the woman is being given "90%" custody, it's because the father doesn't have the means to parent his kids 3.5 days out of the week, or he doesn't WANT to parent them half the week. Or, he's been proven to be an unfit parent, or, he simply doesn't feel he'd be able to do as good as job as the mother. When my ex-husband and I divorced 25 years ago, he said to me right out, "I'm not looking for shared custody. You take much better care of our son than I ever could, so I think it's best he be with you as the primary parent, I pay you child support every month, and I see him on the schedule we worked out earlier." And it worked fabulously for us until my son left for college.

Secondly, there are a lot of women working now, and some of them make as much if not MORE than their husbands, so this assumption that a man is going to be bled dry while his wife lives it up in the marital home, charging up a storm at Bloomingdale's and spending the rest of her day eating bon bons is ludicrous. Generally, it's STILL the woman who sacrifices her career to stay home with the kids when a couple decides one parent will stay home to raise them. So while the husband continues building his career - and worth - in the market and advances forward over the years, the stay at home parent is losing ground in the job market every day and eventually becomes pretty much unmarketable. In those cases, TEMPORARY alimony is justified and often ordered while the stay at home parent scrambles to find a way to suddenly become financially independent in a market that likely no longer wants them. It happens ALL the time.

The OP isn't even stating correct stats. Women initiate divorce approximately 68-70% of the time, not 80. But as I've seen over the course of my lifetime and read for more years than I can count, most men simply don't have the gonads to do it themselves. They'll stay in a miserable marriage and STILL fight to stay in it when the topic of divorce comes up. I think a big part of it is inertia, because they don't welcome the change that would come with it. They have no desire and no idea how to be on their own and have to fend for themselves without someone else to do it for them. In most households, the wives do the overwhelming majority of the work - cleaning, cooking, laundry, appointment setting, child-rearing, bill paying, keeping everyone's life running on schedule. Sorry, but that's just the way it really is. And a good lot of these 'miserable' husbands are more than happy to lay on their asses and let their wives run the show - while *****ing about how miserable they are, of course.

The difference here is, women have the guts to get up and make a divorce happen when they're done with a crappy marriage. But a lot of men lack the gonads to do it and THAT'S why more women initiate divorce. It ain't rocket science. For some men, "it's cheaper to keep her." For others, they simply don't want to be on their own and need a mommy to cater to them so a divorce is out of the question. For some, divorce is testament of failure in their eyes and they don't want to be seen as a failure. And for some, change of any kind frightens them.

It's also been statistically proven that a woman's standard of living goes DOWN in the event of a divorce, while a man's goes up.

So if women are initiating divorce 68-70% of the time, it's likely because they're the ones used to making the effort to get things done, and this is yet just another example of them doing that.

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My husband didn't file for divorce because he's both lazy and selfish. He liked being married. He enjoyed being the respectable family man. He liked having a wife who was successful and active in the community. He liked having someone to manage all the stuff that makes up real life - housework, childcare, entertaining, family and social obligations - and a second income. He liked having an enthusiastic and active sex life. He would, and did, proclaim himself happily married.
LOL!! This is exactly the point I was making above. I read this post by Rowan AFTER I posted the above.

Last edited by She'sStillGotIt; 04-12-2018 at 08:41 AM.
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post #208 of 228 (permalink) Old 04-12-2018, 10:27 AM
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Re: Why 80 percent of divorces filed by women explained.

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My husband didn't file for divorce because he's both lazy and selfish. He liked being married. He enjoyed being the respectable family man. He liked having a wife who was successful and active in the community. He liked having someone to manage all the stuff that makes up real life
Yep. My ex was fine with a passive, sexless, dead, invisible marriage. He had dinner every night, clean laundry, and had the marriage box checked. He NEVER would have filed for D.

I mean, women make the vast majority of their children's doctor's appointments too. Does that mean they are the ones making the kids sick?

I admittedly didn't read the whole thread because I forgot my BP meds today and don't want to have a stroke. And I'm not even a feminist lol
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post #209 of 228 (permalink) Old 04-12-2018, 11:09 AM
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Re: Why 80 percent of divorces filed by women explained.

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Yeah! She sure as hell never rubbed sticks to start a fire, unless it was some other man's stick!
That WOULD BE playing with fire
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post #210 of 228 (permalink) Old 04-12-2018, 11:12 AM
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Re: Why 80 percent of divorces filed by women explained.

i can not help but wonder how many of those 80% women, once divorced, have buyer's remorse and find that single parenting is a hell of a lot harder to do than they thought it would be. Sometime minor slights or transgressions get blown way out of proportion. Couple that with media article after media article urging women to divorce....and it seems like a lot of women may be making hasty decisions.
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