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post #31 of 64 (permalink) Old 03-23-2018, 05:08 AM
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Re: "My Girls Come First"

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Originally Posted by Ynot View Post
As a man, I have never had that life growing inside of me. So in many ways while I like the sentiment, I truly cannot understand it. While I am very proud of my daughter and would do more than die for her - I would kill for her, I still do not and never will share the bond of having had them inside of me. But as a father, the only thing I ever wanted for my children - my own or step - was happiness. As an adult, I feel that much of that happiness comes from being your self. So raising a child to be an independent, self sufficient, adult was always the end game for me.
There is nothing about having the child grow inside you that is inconsistent with that goal. I am in 500% accord with this notion.

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post #32 of 64 (permalink) Old 03-23-2018, 06:05 AM
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Re: "My Girls Come First"

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I've been married to my wife almost a year now, and we've been together for almost 8. I have always felt for some time that I am low man on the totem pole. Her list of priorities are as follows:

1. Youngest Daughter (19)
HUGE Gap Here
2. Father
3. Oldest Daughter (22)
4. Mom
Another Big Gap
5. Me

I've always thought, a wife and/or husband was supposed to put their spouse first (something about forsaking all others lol). I have always sat back and watched a VERY UNHEALTHY obsession by my wife with respect to her younger daughter. She dotes on her, gives her everything she wants, lets her decide where we eat, what we watch, etc. Without boring you with all the details, the younger daughter left home to move in with her boyfriend a few months ago citing that her mom was "way too controlling" and I quote, "psycho". Frankly, the last few months with my step daughter out of the house has been the best months of our entire relationship. My wife actually paid attention to ME for a change!! However, come to find out, my wife is texting her youngest daughter at least 20 times a day BEGGING her to move back home.

I called my wife on it and said it's not a healthy relationship to be so obsessed with her daughter and she should cool it and focus on being a wife for a change. Uh oh! I got BLASTED and told in no uncertain terms that "my girls will ALWAYS come first!"

Am I wrong to be upset over that comment? I'm not trying to tell her to cut ties with her daughter, but just act like a normal parent of an ADULT and not obsess over her! Honestly, no lie, when her daughter calls on the phone or texts when we are having sex, she actually stops and answers it!!!
Forsaking all others is part of the marital vow, and pertains to that moment in time when you die as a single person and are resurrected as a married person. "All others" refers to all other potential suitors.

Having said that, when a couple has children, the children DO come first. Always. The two of you intentionally created life form that are incapable of taking care of themselves for approximately 18 years. This means you are wholly responsible for their physical, mental, spiritual and emotional well-being, above your own. Deal with it.

The only issues I have with her list is that her own parents come before you do. THe youngest child coming first is often a result of that child, being youngest, having the highest needs. Hopefully this subsides over time. My current GF has two, who are 14 and 17, and for all practical purposes, all she gives them is ethical guidance. They do their own laundry, get themselves to school and to their respective dad's homes, etc.

DD
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post #33 of 64 (permalink) Old 03-23-2018, 08:55 AM
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Re: "My Girls Come First"

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Forsaking all others is part of the marital vow, and pertains to that moment in time when you die as a single person and are resurrected as a married person. "All others" refers to all other potential suitors.

Having said that, when a couple has children, the children DO come first. Always. The two of you intentionally created life form that are incapable of taking care of themselves for approximately 18 years. This means you are wholly responsible for their physical, mental, spiritual and emotional well-being, above your own. Deal with it.

The only issues I have with her list is that her own parents come before you do. THe youngest child coming first is often a result of that child, being youngest, having the highest needs. Hopefully this subsides over time. My current GF has two, who are 14 and 17, and for all practical purposes, all she gives them is ethical guidance. They do their own laundry, get themselves to school and to their respective dad's homes, etc.

DD

The OP's step-children are 19 and 22. Not theirs. And not young. In fact, not even living at home anymore. There is zero excuse for his wife going off on this manic and increasingly unhinged quest to keep her "babies" at home.


In fact, OP, with regards to what you're wife is doing, it honestly is starting to sound like she's having some sort of mental break. The constant ranting, flying off the handle, behaving inappropriately, blowing up your phone all day at the office. None of that is normal. She's unstable. If she's always been unstable, well, then it's your choice whether or not you want to continue to deal with it. But if this level of instability is new, it might be worth investigating as a health and/or mental health issue. Maybe call her doctor. If a usually balanced person is suddenly off the rails, that's potentially a serious health concern.

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi
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post #34 of 64 (permalink) Old 03-23-2018, 10:56 AM
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Re: "My Girls Come First"

You say you have a 12 year old daughter from a previous marriage? You say that your current wife is "great" with her yet she is held to a different standard than her own ADULT offspring, down to the way that they interact with grandparents. What does YOUR daughter think of this situation? Is he old enough to understand? It's not all about you here.
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post #35 of 64 (permalink) Old 03-23-2018, 12:17 PM
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Re: "My Girls Come First"

This woman is obviously struggling with empty nest happening to her, when she built her whole identity around being a mother. She's lost, and is fighting the departure of the daughters with all of her might. We can't blame you for not noticing it earlier, because the situation wouldn't have revealed itself till these young women went off to college.

Instead of encouraging and helping them to grow up into independence, their mom is actively damaging their development into adulthood. Seems like the girls are wise enough to realize it, though if you ever talk to them one-on-one, you might want to comment that you are observing their mother is having a hard time letting go, and would they like you to help do anything about it?

Your wife needs counselling to learn to let go. Otherwise, as soon as these daughters have their own children, her whole identity is going to become being a grandmother.

It's not her choice of priorities, I don't think, so much as it is her denial of her motherhood role ending. She sees you as a partner who is also supposed to be invested in her priorities, ie, motherhood, but not as one of the priorities yourself.
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post #36 of 64 (permalink) Old 03-23-2018, 12:49 PM
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Re: "My Girls Come First"

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I've been married to my wife almost a year now, and we've been together for almost 8.
@FlyBoyJ, What was dating her like? Who supported her and her daughters when she was neither married to you or her baby daddy?

Also, I'm curious as well about your wife's relationships with the people you brought to the marriage, like your daughter and your parents.
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post #37 of 64 (permalink) Old 03-23-2018, 09:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: "My Girls Come First"

So here's another example of how over the top my wife is with respect to "her girls". This just happened. Our house phone rings and goes to the answering machine and no message is left. Now mind you the only calls we get on that phone are telemarketers. Immediately my wife texts both of "her girls" asking them, "did you just call? Are you okay?" Tell me that isn't obsessive and nowhere close to normal? I say to her, "really, the phone rings and you assume it's one of them?". She snaps back, "don't worry about it, it's not your concern. I'm a mom and it's my job to check on them and make sure they are okay." I'm sorry, I honestly think her behavior has crossed such an unhealthy obsession line.
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post #38 of 64 (permalink) Old 03-23-2018, 09:59 PM
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Re: "My Girls Come First"

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Originally Posted by DustyDog View Post
Forsaking all others is part of the marital vow, and pertains to that moment in time when you die as a single person and are resurrected as a married person. "All others" refers to all other potential suitors.

Having said that, when a couple has children, the children DO come first. Always. The two of you intentionally created life form that are incapable of taking care of themselves for approximately 18 years. This means you are wholly responsible for their physical, mental, spiritual and emotional well-being, above your own. Deal with it.

The only issues I have with her list is that her own parents come before you do. THe youngest child coming first is often a result of that child, being youngest, having the highest needs. Hopefully this subsides over time. My current GF has two, who are 14 and 17, and for all practical purposes, all she gives them is ethical guidance. They do their own laundry, get themselves to school and to their respective dad's homes, etc.

DD
I disagree
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post #39 of 64 (permalink) Old 03-23-2018, 10:01 PM
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Re: "My Girls Come First"

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Originally Posted by FlyBoyJ View Post
So here's another example of how over the top my wife is with respect to "her girls". This just happened. Our house phone rings and goes to the answering machine and no message is left. Now mind you the only calls we get on that phone are telemarketers. Immediately my wife texts both of "her girls" asking them, "did you just call? Are you okay?" Tell me that isn't obsessive and nowhere close to normal? I say to her, "really, the phone rings and you assume it's one of them?". She snaps back, "don't worry about it, it's not your concern. I'm a mom and it's my job to check on them and make sure they are okay." I'm sorry, I honestly think her behavior has crossed such an unhealthy obsession line.
The problem is not that her kids are “first”....
It’s that you are last. You and her kids should hold equal status.

Your wife doesn’t value you, apparently.
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post #40 of 64 (permalink) Old 03-24-2018, 09:52 PM
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Re: "My Girls Come First"

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Originally Posted by FlyBoyJ View Post
So here's another example of how over the top my wife is with respect to "her girls". This just happened. Our house phone rings and goes to the answering machine and no message is left. Now mind you the only calls we get on that phone are telemarketers. Immediately my wife texts both of "her girls" asking them, "did you just call? Are you okay?" Tell me that isn't obsessive and nowhere close to normal? I say to her, "really, the phone rings and you assume it's one of them?". She snaps back, "don't worry about it, it's not your concern. I'm a mom and it's my job to check on them and make sure they are okay." I'm sorry, I honestly think her behavior has crossed such an unhealthy obsession line.

Borders BSC territory if you ask me, but that's just my opinion.

Run for the hills, man!

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post #41 of 64 (permalink) Old 03-24-2018, 10:31 PM
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Re: "My Girls Come First"

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Originally Posted by FlyBoyJ View Post
I say to her, "really, the phone rings and you assume it's one of them?". She snaps back, "don't worry about it, it's not your concern. I'm a mom and it's my job to check on them and make sure they are okay." I'm sorry, I honestly think her behavior has crossed such an unhealthy obsession line.
Well, yeah. Her behavior is way over the top. But you are doing nothing more than complaining about it. You've made it clear in your posts that she's way too involved with her children. We get it. We don't need more information to form the opinion we have.

So what about you????? You are the one posting here. What are you going to do about this? You try to bring it up and she goes ballistic. So what? Is she going to pull a knife or a gun on you? Give you the silent treatment for a month? Maybe (hopefully!) leave?

C'mon, man ... life is too damn short for this type of nonsense. Grow a pair and tell her how it's going to be. Set a boundary. Don't budge on it. Then if she goes bonkers, tell her to file for divorce. SERIOUSLY.

I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
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post #42 of 64 (permalink) Old 03-25-2018, 12:30 AM
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Re: "My Girls Come First"

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Originally Posted by VermiciousKnid View Post
Huge mistake she's making. The marital relationship has to come first, even above the parent/child relationship. If not, it's doomed to failure...or somebody starts cheating.


I dunno, my daughter comes first no matter who I end up with.
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post #43 of 64 (permalink) Old 03-25-2018, 02:58 AM
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Re: "My Girls Come First"

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Originally Posted by Hopeful Cynic
She sees you as a partner who is also supposed to be invested in her priorities, ie, motherhood, but not as one of the priorities yourself.
I'm in agreement with setting boundaries. Just so it's understood that this woman is not likely to change. She has had you paying and supporting her own agenda for a long time. It's likely that this was her agenda coming in to your marriage, at its beginning.

I wouldn't be concerned with the diagnosis of obsessive, or whether it's over the top. The root of her problem is just plain ole selfishness.
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post #44 of 64 (permalink) Old 03-25-2018, 07:35 AM
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Re: "My Girls Come First"

Does the 22 yo know her mother tracks her whereabouts via "find my friends"? I would make sure she knew. That's beyond BSC.
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post #45 of 64 (permalink) Old 03-25-2018, 09:25 AM
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Originally Posted by VermiciousKnid View Post
Huge mistake she's making. The marital relationship has to come first, even above the parent/child relationship. If not, it's doomed to failure...or somebody starts cheating.
<a href="http://cdn.talkaboutmarriage.net/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_plain.png" border="0" alt="" title="Serious" >:-)</a>

I dunno, my daughter comes first no matter who I end up with.
As in, if you were having sex with your partner and your daughter was 19 or 22 and your phone got a call or text you'd stop having sex to see if it was your daughter who contacted you? Because that's the kind of "coming first" we are taking about here.

Well actually, if you're stopping sex to see if perhaps it was your adult daughter who rang you, there might not be much coming any way.
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