Small Annoyance, so I am taking a Poll LOL - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 68 (permalink) Old 06-27-2018, 06:32 PM
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Re: Small Annoyance, so I am taking a Poll LOL

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Originally Posted by roverforever View Post
Married for almost 10 years now. We have recently been working through our issues with counselling.

I have lingering issues with small things, just cannot sometimes shake them and I stew about them. This is the latest that has been ongoing and on the radar actually for our entire relationship.

My wife has a standard transmission vehicle and I cannot drive it. She wanted me to learn originally, as it would be beneficial to her and I she felt. For those times I wanted to use it, take it out and wash it for her, move it into the garage when etc.

I tried a few times but got frustrated trying to learn to drive standard so I gave up. Over the last 10 years, there is maybe 1 or 2 instances per year that come up like she mentioned above.

Being that you have tried and don't really do well, nor like driving a standard, it seems you would not be likely to take it anywhere, except taking it out and washing it for her, or move it into the garage for her, or something else she needed you to do. She's using you like a rented mule.


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I guess as things have been more raw for us, minor issues like this start to register for me. And with that in mind, recently I needed to be dropped off somewhere and asked her if she could pick me up and then take me back there later in the day.

Her response was certainly a bit more terse than usual, but she said basically that she has made it clear that the option is there for me to learn to drive standard. Since I have chosen not to, there would be consequences from time to time. In this case, had I learnt to drive her car, I could have easily taken it. She went on to say that this was another example of me being an only child, where I think that there are usually never consequences and I can just get my way.

I guess I have a much different opinion and wondered if I was truly in the wrong on this one.
She makes you feel like you are wrong often, or you would not be looking for help. Your post shows you are emotionally beaten down and in need of compassion and respect. Her actions and words show she does not respect you. I don't know your situation. It seems an easy answer to "buck up" and so forth. It usually isn't, once you've gotten to the point of needing outside help on something like this. I'm sorry you are hurting.



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I feel driving standard was something I did not take to well, and now because of the frustration I have lost interest to keep trying. Since we are talking about once or twice that these inconveniences for her come up every year, I did not feel it was very onerous in the grand scheme. And I guess lastly, I usually try to step back and look at things if they were reversed and I guess I could not imagine taking this type of stance with her had she not been able to learn or continue to make the effort to learn standard if roles were reversed.

I know it is minor but wonder what others think of our squabble over this..am I out to lunch on this one?
I think anyone would have frustration from the disrespect you are putting up with. Maybe you need to take the advice of others here and work on yourself and what you need and want? Maybe read some books on finding your inner strength so you can get out of that situation.

It sounds to me like she doesn't love you. First, there is disrespect. Then, verbal abuse enters into the marriage when she thinks so little of you. She then tells you she won't compromise, you have to do as she says. She then wants you to clean her car and put it away when she tells you. Is she your wife or your employer? Right now, I'd say your love is wasted on her.


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post #47 of 68 (permalink) Old 06-28-2018, 09:39 AM
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Re: Small Annoyance, so I am taking a Poll LOL

You end up living for the moment that the clutch engages and you have shifted to the next gear. That, and getting out of a jam without sending your car into a spin using the gearshift to slow you down versus jamming on the brakes.

Say what you think and do what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.-Dr. Seuss
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post #48 of 68 (permalink) Old 06-28-2018, 10:57 AM
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Re: Small Annoyance, so I am taking a Poll LOL

Handle that stick buddy. Don't make her do all the stick handling...
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post #49 of 68 (permalink) Old 06-28-2018, 11:04 AM
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Re: Small Annoyance, so I am taking a Poll LOL

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Handle that stick buddy. Don't make her do all the stick handling...
LOL!
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post #50 of 68 (permalink) Old 06-28-2018, 11:10 AM
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Re: Small Annoyance, so I am taking a Poll LOL

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Makes me wonder if people that struggle learning stick are those that drive improperly and use their left foot on the brake. Ive very rarely come across these drivers and thought WTF when I first did as my dad taught me obviously you dont use your left foot on the damn brake.
I drive properly, and I drive an automatic. I struggled in the past to learn how to drive standard on my H's car, and the last time it came up, he got bloody mad, which just made my anxiety levels rise. I drive well and have a clean record, and I don't use the brake with my left foot. I suppose I'm just too stupid to wrap my brain around it, and that's most likely what H thought as well, since he's the one with the 2 masters, doctorate and post-doc, and I have a measly trade school certificate. Personally, I "get" what OP is experiencing, and while learning a stick would be a useful thing to know, it's not imperative, and it's not going to make life better. OP just either needs to become acquainted with Uber or get his own car, an automatic.
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post #51 of 68 (permalink) Old 06-28-2018, 11:16 AM
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Re: Small Annoyance, so I am taking a Poll LOL

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Originally Posted by Targon View Post
Driving a stick is a matter of letting off some pressure with your left foot while you add some pressure with your right. Seriously that's it.

Anyone who says they have tried, but cannot drive a standard shift car is probably retarded to some extent.
Like OP, been there, tried that, and all we got was a really jerky ride, and it took about 20 minutes for me to go about 4 feet. My H at the time tried to teach me on his old 1998 car; a girlfriend managed to get me moving in her 1997 car. Then H got a 2013 standard and said that they make the new ones really easy to drive and that I'd have "no problem". Yeah, right. And on behalf of those of us who cannot drive stick: thanks for that "retarded" comment.
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post #52 of 68 (permalink) Old 06-28-2018, 11:18 AM
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Re: Small Annoyance, so I am taking a Poll LOL

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Like OP, been there, tried that, and all we got was a really jerky ride, and it took about 20 minutes for me to go about 4 feet. My H at the time tried to teach me on his old 1998 car; a girlfriend managed to get me moving in her 1997 car. Then H got a 2013 standard and said that they make the new ones really easy to drive and that I'd have "no problem". Yeah, right. And on behalf of those of us who cannot drive stick: thanks for that "retarded" comment.
You just need a good stick handling teacher.

You not wetawdeded.....
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post #53 of 68 (permalink) Old 06-28-2018, 11:24 AM
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Re: Small Annoyance, so I am taking a Poll LOL

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You just need a good stick handling teacher.

You not wetawdeded.....
You're right, I'm not, and didn't appreciate that other poster's comment one bit. Such a silly and juvenile thing to say. Maybe I'd have better luck with my current beau who also drives a standard. He's much more grounded and way less self-serving than my STBXH.
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post #54 of 68 (permalink) Old 06-28-2018, 11:25 AM
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Re: Small Annoyance, so I am taking a Poll LOL

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I drive properly, and I drive an automatic. I struggled in the past to learn how to drive standard on my H's car, and the last time it came up, he got bloody mad, which just made my anxiety levels rise. I drive well and have a clean record, and I don't use the brake with my left foot. I suppose I'm just too stupid to wrap my brain around it, and that's most likely what H thought as well, since he's the one with the 2 masters, doctorate and post-doc, and I have a measly trade school certificate. Personally, I "get" what OP is experiencing, and while learning a stick would be a useful thing to know, it's not imperative, and it's not going to make life better. OP just either needs to become acquainted with Uber or get his own car, an automatic.
Im thinking it was the teacher. Seriously its not the hard.

BUT.....If you have some hothead idiot yelling at you? Not helpful. And some clutches can be touchy as hell and not very forgiving.

Was he even smart enough to take you to say a giant parking lot with no one in it?

Like you said its not imperative to learn but just realize it was VERY likely the teacher and not the student.

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post #55 of 68 (permalink) Old 06-28-2018, 11:34 AM
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Re: Small Annoyance, so I am taking a Poll LOL

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Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
Personally, I "get" what OP is experiencing, and while learning a stick would be a useful thing to know, it's not imperative, and it's not going to make life better. OP just either needs to become acquainted with Uber or get his own car, an automatic.
Seems pretty clear that it would make HIS life better.

Necessity is such a wonderful teacher, I bet even you could learn given no alternative.

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post #56 of 68 (permalink) Old 06-28-2018, 12:08 PM
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Re: Small Annoyance, so I am taking a Poll LOL

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Originally Posted by Middle of Everything View Post
Im thinking it was the teacher. Seriously its not the hard.

BUT.....If you have some hothead idiot yelling at you? Not helpful. And some clutches can be touchy as hell and not very forgiving.

Was he even smart enough to take you to say a giant parking lot with no one in it?

Like you said its not imperative to learn but just realize it was VERY likely the teacher and not the student.
I also think it was the teacher, which is ironic because that's what he does for a living: teach university level science courses. And no, I had wanted to go to an empty parking lot, but he said it would be better to start at home. The street is narrow to boot, and it's usually lined with cars. Backing up was easy-peasy, then I hit the street, and couldn't make the damn thing go!
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post #57 of 68 (permalink) Old 06-28-2018, 12:14 PM
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Re: Small Annoyance, so I am taking a Poll LOL

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Seems pretty clear that it would make HIS life better.

Necessity is such a wonderful teacher, I bet even you could learn given no alternative.
If I had no choice, I would certainly try, and if nothing else, it would just take a very long time to get anywhere. Necessity is a great teacher, and it's also the mother of invention, but driving a stick still isn't the be all end all. If OP (and I) never learn how to drive a stick, neither of us will die, neither of us will get a deadly disease, our respective cities won't blow up, and a war won't suddenly break out. Sure, it would be handy, but I'm 40 and besides the time I was with H, who was forcing the issue, I've never NEEDED to have this particular skill. There are ways around it for the OP as well. The easiest solution? Get himself an automatic car. Bing, bang, boom, problem solved! However, I kind of think his wife issues stem from more than just a car.
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post #58 of 68 (permalink) Old 06-28-2018, 12:18 PM
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Re: Small Annoyance, so I am taking a Poll LOL

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She makes you feel like you are wrong often, or you would not be looking for help. Your post shows you are emotionally beaten down and in need of compassion and respect. Her actions and words show she does not respect you. I don't know your situation. It seems an easy answer to "buck up" and so forth. It usually isn't, once you've gotten to the point of needing outside help on something like this. I'm sorry you are hurting.
It could go either way, I suppose. We will never know since OP has flown the coop. Certainly she could have a do no right attitude. But he could also see this as a signature small annoyance instead of a pattern as indicated by the wife's "example" comment. If giving up in the face of slight frustration is a pattern or needing to have his way is a pattern, I can see why the wife finds this more than a small annoyance.
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post #59 of 68 (permalink) Old 06-28-2018, 06:13 PM
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Re: Small Annoyance, so I am taking a Poll LOL

Automatics are as good as manual today. There is no reason to drive a manual. She could easily trade in her car for a newer model that has an automatic transmission. He seems willing to do what she tells him. All he wants is an automatic.




@NobodySpecial,

You know what? I was thinking. Yeah, I know that's not recommended. Anyway, what if this was a sixteen year old kid and he was talking about his mother? I think that's more likely, since he left and he posted as a boy, not a man. Also, it is summer, huh?

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post #60 of 68 (permalink) Old 06-28-2018, 06:23 PM
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Re: Small Annoyance, so I am taking a Poll LOL

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Automatics are as good as manual today ...
... For the casual driver in a family sedan who commutes to work in no challenging conditions, never tows anything substantial, doesn't need fine control over compression braking and doesn't mind gear hunting when climbing an 18% grade.

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