Help! I don’t know what to do - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-02-2018, 05:54 PM Thread Starter
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My husband and I have been fighting a lot lately. He’s been odd and secretive lately and I’ve ask him if there’s someone else. He said no. Then recently he got caught. He’s been texting her. After he got caught he says that he doesn’t know what he wants and doesn’t know if he wants to be with me. He said he needs time to think. He’s talking to this girl and he even works with her. He is going on military trying and so is she. I’m willing to give him time to think but it’s hard know that she is going to be there also and is still talking to her. I told him that I forgive him. I want to fix our marriage and change myself to make us work. I’m willing to compromise. I love my husband with all my and really want us to be together. I don’t know what to do. Also he stills kisses me goodbye and occasionally holds my hand. We even had sex. I’m confused

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post #2 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-02-2018, 06:35 PM
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Wow, I am so sorry for what you are gong through. I don't know what you should do exactly but from just reading this you sound like you are being waay too nice about all this!! He is treating you terribly right now! And it sounds like you are telling him that he can do no wrong and you are there waiting and hoping for him to choose you. I think most wives would be way less forgiving than you even if they DO hope to stay together and become closer.
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post #3 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-02-2018, 06:47 PM Thread Starter
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Thank you. I’m just hoping that by me telling him that I forgive him that there is hope in fixing our marriage. It’s very hard especially because we have kids
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post #4 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-02-2018, 06:55 PM
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I am curious to know, if you don't mind sharing. What have you been fightng about? Also how many children do you have and how old are they?
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post #5 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-02-2018, 07:08 PM
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Re: Help! I don’t know what to do

What you are doing is trying to NICE him back to the marriage. Honey... Let me bring you in on a little secret. I live here, in this forum, I read EVERY dang darn day, (infidelity has scarred me that bad) So i read, I learn and i got to tell ya. I PROMIS YOU, im practically psychic,(Many who frequent here are) You are going to lose the marriage with the approach you have.

He is going to military training? Is that USA? if it is that is very very taboo, and he can and she can get in SERIOUS trouble if they cheat, (oops they already have).

He does not know what he wants? Well show him one option, divorce and telling his command heads.

Got to be willing to be strong to be respected. What you are doing is very very weak, and it will not work.

My suggestion and advice is not a promise that you will not still lose the marriage, because forget him, you lost him when he went for the other woman... YOU ALREADY DONT HAVE HIS LOVE. But you might retain some self respect because man....when you lose that ....ouch.
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post #6 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-02-2018, 08:09 PM
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Re: Help! I donít know what to do

Well, to begin with, rather than just forgiving him for playing slap-and-tickle with another woman, you might want to consider getting VERY angry.

And that anger would be entirely justified. If my husband had messed around with another woman in any way, shape, or form, I would have gone nuclear on him.

You can remain in doormat mode and let him wipe his feet all over you or you can get good and ticked off. Strength is the hand you have to play if you have any hope of saving this marriage.

P. S. - Frankly, if any man pulled this crap on me, I'd dump him like radioactive waste. JMO.

I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
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post #7 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-02-2018, 08:30 PM
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Re: Help! I donít know what to do

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Originally Posted by Megnislost10$ View Post
My husband and I have been fighting a lot lately. He’s been odd and secretive lately and I’ve ask him if there’s someone else. He said no. Then recently he got caught. He’s been texting her. After he got caught he says that he doesn’t know what he wants and doesn’t know if he wants to be with me. He said he needs time to think. He’s talking to this girl and he even works with her. He is going on military trying and so is she. I’m willing to give him time to think but it’s hard know that she is going to be there also and is still talking to her. I told him that I forgive him. I want to fix our marriage and change myself to make us work. I’m willing to compromise. I love my husband with all my and really want us to be together. I don’t know what to do. Also he stills kisses me goodbye and occasionally holds my hand. We even had sex. I’m confused
That very minute, very second that my husband is communicating with another woman and he says he doesn't know what he wants and doesn't know if he wants to be with me is the minute it's over.

But you are you, not me.

Are you saying you want to wait in the wings while he works things out with this other woman while they are off stationed somewhere else away from you?

One thing I can tell you about the military is that it's not like civilian life. Adultery in the military is a criminal offense. Look it up.

Keep any evidence you have.
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post #8 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-02-2018, 10:19 PM Thread Starter
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Thank you all for you input. I did get ragging mad. He says the never did anything physical and only talked about what if they hooked up.
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post #9 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-02-2018, 11:05 PM
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Re: Help! I don’t know what to do

Report him and her to his commander!!

(Not sure of the chain of command but maybe someone else will?)
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post #10 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-02-2018, 11:25 PM
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Re: Help! I don’t know what to do

Megnislost10$, how old are you and your WH?
How long have you been married?
How old are you kids?

If you do not play your cards right you will lose your marriage.

1. You have to do the 180 on him, tell him to get out and he can have all the time he wants but he is not coming back. No calls, no contact, no nothing.
2. You cannot nice a potential cheater/cheater into a marriage or play the 'pick me' dance which is what you are doing.
3. No begging, crying, pleading, he will lose respect for you completely and do whatever he wants anyhow.
4. Ask a good friend to come beside you for support
5. Tell his Commanding officer - affairs are frowned on in the military, there will be flak, but let him see you for a strong, no nonsense woman who will not put up with his disrespect and cheating.
6. Tell your families, and friends, what has been going on in the marriage, expose his ass - when his family and friends know about this, his attraction to her will nose dive because he will not be the man he pretends to be - this is no shame on you, it is his shame to carry. He will be angry, let him be, tell him he brought it on himself.
Then go and meet an army lawyer as to what your options are, I guess they have those services in the army.
7. If she is married or has a boyfriend, family expose her too.

Dont let him walk all over you, nobody deserves to be treated as second best.

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post #11 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-02-2018, 11:27 PM
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Re: Help! I donít know what to do

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Originally Posted by Megnislost10$ View Post
My husband and I have been fighting a lot lately. Heís been odd and secretive lately and Iíve ask him if thereís someone else. He said no. Then recently he got caught. Heís been texting her. After he got caught he says that he doesnít know what he wants and doesnít know if he wants to be with me. He said he needs time to think. Heís talking to this girl and he even works with her. He is going on military trying and so is she. Iím willing to give him time to think but itís hard know that she is going to be there also and is still talking to her. I told him that I forgive him. I want to fix our marriage and change myself to make us work. Iím willing to compromise. I love my husband with all my and really want us to be together. I donít know what to do. Also he stills kisses me goodbye and occasionally holds my hand. We even had sex. Iím confused
One of many mistakes you made is saying that you would change yourself for him. He is going to walk all over you and cheat until he cannot cheat anymore. When there is no big penalty for cheating, the cheater will keep on cheating. He now know you fear divorce and that is a bad thing.

If a man loves a womanís soul, he will end up loving one woman, but if he just loves a womanís body or face, all the women in the world will not satisfy him.
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post #12 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-03-2018, 12:28 AM
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Re: Help! I donít know what to do

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He says the never did anything physical and only talked about what if they hooked up.
And you should believe him because ... ????? Uh, no. No way.

Your husband has lied to you. He has told you he doesn't even know if he wants to remain with you. He's a liar. And I wouldn't place any bets on his fidelity to you. Cheaters cheat and cheaters lie.

I don't know how you can stand to breathe the same air as this jerk, but it is your life. You have to decide if you want to stay with him. The thing is, he's the one who should be begging YOU to forgive him. As it stands, you are almost groveling at his feet to keep him around.

Perhaps you should consider letting him go until he shows some genuine remorse for his actions. Time to shore up your self-esteem and realize this guy just ain't worth it as things stand right now.

I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
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post #13 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-08-2018, 07:01 PM Thread Starter
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How do I report him and her? I’m not sure of the process and I kind of that they won’t do anything being that he is very liked by his higher romancing officers
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post #14 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-08-2018, 07:04 PM Thread Starter
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post #15 of 20 (permalink) Old 07-08-2018, 07:21 PM
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Re: Help! I don’t know what to do

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Talk to his commanding officer etc and ask him if you should also report your conversation (with the commanding officer) to your congressman. Reference to the congressman should motivate him to talk with your husband and the other woman.

You received excellent advice here from people that have personally experienced your pain. Follow Aine's check list.

The tougher you respond the more likely you are to save your marriage...and you can't be too tough.

Check in ..stay in touch...you are not alone.
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