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post #1 of 134 (permalink) Old 08-05-2018, 10:41 PM Thread Starter
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I think he's gone

So, my beau came over tonight, and we were going to do dinner and hang out. We ended up doing just dinner.

Before we left for dinner, I asked him some questions that have been plaguing me for about a week: are you seeing anyone else other than me? His answer was a resounding no, and that he's closed down both his online dating profiles shortly after meeting me. I went on to say that it would explain some things: that he no longer uses his pet names for me, he doesn't take my hand in public anymore, and he recently locked his phone. His explanation was that he's really busy with work, kids and is pretty stressed out. He thought he was being upfront in the past when he said that before. I guess I misread or didn't understand completely. I had also said that if he wanted this to be a more casual thing, then that was okay with me, but that we needed to be upfront with one another about possibly dating others.

At any rate, we went for dinner, and were having a decent time when I asked him what he wanted to do for the rest of the evening: go out somewhere or kick back and relax. He said that he would be going home after dinner. That pretty much killed my appetite. He had kept a DVD set at my place, and on the looong drive home (10 mins felt like 40), I asked him if he would like to take those home with him. He said that he would. So, now he's gone with his DVDs (except one I found in the blueray player), along with the goodies he had baked me that he brought tonight.

God, I feel like such a douche. I don't know if I'll ever see him again, and I think I may have destroyed something potentially real and good. Was I stupid for voicing my concerns? Should I have done it differently? I feel awful for him and for myself, and kind of wish I'd have kept my mouth shut.

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post #2 of 134 (permalink) Old 08-05-2018, 10:50 PM
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Re: I think he's gone

It does sound as though he is gone. Might not be such a bad thing though - the questions you asked him were not out of line imo. If that's enough to make him bail, he was never really in it for the long haul honey.

My husband and I met online, I took my profile down fairly quickly, his stayed up for a bit (which was fine). After a few weeks, I had started to develop strong feelings for him, so I simply told him that I couldn't continue to date him if his profile stayed up. It was down 5 minutes later

It could have gone either way honestly, he may have felt that he wasn't ready to take it down (his right absolutely), in which case I would have walked away, I ain't doing the pick me dance for anyone. Lucky for me, he was starting to feel the same way.
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post #3 of 134 (permalink) Old 08-05-2018, 10:56 PM
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Re: I think he's gone

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Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
So, my beau came over tonight, and we were going to do dinner and hang out. We ended up doing just dinner.

Before we left for dinner, I asked him some questions that have been plaguing me for about a week: are you seeing anyone else other than me? His answer was a resounding no, and that he's closed down both his online dating profiles shortly after meeting me. I went on to say that it would explain some things: that he no longer uses his pet names for me, he doesn't take my hand in public anymore, and he recently locked his phone. His explanation was that he's really busy with work, kids and is pretty stressed out. He thought he was being upfront in the past when he said that before. I guess I misread or didn't understand completely. I had also said that if he wanted this to be a more casual thing, then that was okay with me, but that we needed to be upfront with one another about possibly dating others.

At any rate, we went for dinner, and were having a decent time when I asked him what he wanted to do for the rest of the evening: go out somewhere or kick back and relax. He said that he would be going home after dinner. That pretty much killed my appetite. He had kept a DVD set at my place, and on the looong drive home (10 mins felt like 40), I asked him if he would like to take those home with him. He said that he would. So, now he's gone with his DVDs (except one I found in the blueray player), along with the goodies he had baked me that he brought tonight.

God, I feel like such a douche. I don't know if I'll ever see him again, and I think I may have destroyed something potentially real and good. Was I stupid for voicing my concerns? Should I have done it differently? I feel awful for him and for myself, and kind of wish I'd have kept my mouth shut.
He took his home baked cookies back? WTF?

What exactly does being busy at work have to do with holding your hand in public, calling you by pet names and locking his phone?

Are you sure that this was a good thing? Sounds like he was not that into you more recently.

You should be able to discuss your concerns in a relationship. If you cannot, the relationship is not a good one.

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post #4 of 134 (permalink) Old 08-05-2018, 11:04 PM
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Re: I think he's gone

If he's gone you're likely better off. He's making your relationship way harder than it needs to be. Do yourself a favor and make sure he stays gone by not communicating with him. You will thank yourself in the long run.

"But I'm trying, Ringo. I'm trying real hard to be the shepherd."

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post #5 of 134 (permalink) Old 08-05-2018, 11:07 PM
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Re: I think he's gone

I don't think you did anything wrong. Seems like he was already pulling away. You had every right to question him and tbh I'm not buying his answer.
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post #6 of 134 (permalink) Old 08-05-2018, 11:09 PM
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Re: I think he's gone

You have both been through infidelity. He should know what to do to build your trust. Locking his phone is not one of them. Spending time with you should alleviate his stress, especially after dinner back home enjoying those desserts and wine. Id be on guard with his actions and him not wanting to hold your hand in public. You might be better off with him gone.
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post #7 of 134 (permalink) Old 08-05-2018, 11:18 PM
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Re: I think he's gone

You didn't do anything wrong. I was reading an old thread here awhile ago that talked about this type of behavior as being like a mythical fragile forest creature - that you have to be very careful about what you say and do around them or they'll scamper off into the woods. That kind of relationship is incredibly hard. You don't want to second guess every word you said, or facial expression, or what you wore or ordered for dinner, thinking it was wrong or bad or scaring him off. That's waking on eggshells and no fun. It sounds like you were just being you, and that's a good thing. His loss!

Last edited by azimuth; 08-05-2018 at 11:20 PM. Reason: spelling
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post #8 of 134 (permalink) Old 08-05-2018, 11:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I think he's gone

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Originally Posted by rv10flyer View Post
You have both been through infidelity. He should know what to do to build your trust. Locking his phone is not one of them. Spending time with you should alleviate his stress, especially after dinner back home enjoying those desserts and wine. Id be on guard with his actions and him not wanting to hold your hand in public. You might be better off with him gone.
Neither of us has been through infidelity. I've never cheated, and my H didn't cheat either, nor did beau and his ex. Just wanted to confirm that!
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post #9 of 134 (permalink) Old 08-05-2018, 11:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I think he's gone

Oh, one more thing: he said that his cell has always been locked, and that maybe the time I accessed it, it had a glitch...?? Do iPhones do this? Or cells in general?
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post #10 of 134 (permalink) Old 08-05-2018, 11:44 PM
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Re: I think he's gone

Ursula what is the deal with your dating life girl? I certainly haven't read all of your threads, but every one I've ever seen was about some trouble with the guy (or guys) leaving you. What gives? I picture you as a cute and sassy city girl in her late 20's, and from your writing personality I would love to date you. If I was single and much younger that is. Anyway, why can't a catch like you keep a man? I always wondered the same thing about Jennifer Aniston.

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post #11 of 134 (permalink) Old 08-05-2018, 11:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I think he's gone

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You didn't do anything wrong. I was reading an old thread here awhile ago that talked about this type of behavior as being like a mythical fragile forest creature - that you have to be very careful about what you say and do around them or they'll scamper off into the woods. That kind of relationship is incredibly hard. You don't want to second guess every word you said, or facial expression, or what you wore or ordered for dinner, thinking it was wrong or bad or scaring him off. That's waking on eggshells and no fun. It sounds like you were just being you, and that's a good thing. His loss!
Thanks, and yes, I was just being myself. Maybe I overthink things once in awhile, but I'm authentic to a tee. When I meet someone for the first time, who they meet is the same person I am the following weeks, months and years. He said that he needs a couple days to mull things over, so we'll see what happens then. If he comes back, I'd like to think he'll be more open with me, and if he doesn't, then it's a learning experience, and I'll find someone great who's meant for me.it just kind of hurts right now.

And @EleGirl, he made me "special" brownies, which I gave him back to take home. Mostly because he brought them in his Tupperware, and I was sad and didn't feel like separating them into one of my containers.

Last edited by Ursula; 08-06-2018 at 12:55 AM.
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post #12 of 134 (permalink) Old 08-05-2018, 11:50 PM
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Re: I think he's gone

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Oh, one more thing: he said that his cell has always been locked, and that maybe the time I accessed it, it had a glitch...?? Do iPhones do this? Or cells in general?
Full of ****. iPhones dont have that glitch

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post #13 of 134 (permalink) Old 08-05-2018, 11:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I think he's gone

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Ursula what is the deal with your dating life girl? I certainly haven't read all of your threads, but every one I've ever seen was about some trouble with the guy (or guys) leaving you. What gives? I picture you as a cute and sassy city girl in her late 20's, and from your writing personality I would love to date you. If I was single and much younger that is. Anyway, why can't a catch like you keep a man? I always wondered the same thing about Jennifer Aniston.
LoL, you picture me in my later 20s? Thanks!! I actually turned 40 earlier this year...

Am I cute and sassy? I guess I can be sassy, sometimes. Cute? I don't think so, but have been told otherwise.

Why can't I keep a man? That's a good question. Could be because I'm picky to a point. I also tend to stay too long with the wrong type of man... I just hope I don't overthink things to my detriment, because sometimes I don't know where that line is.

And thank-you for that sentiment, I hope to find my other half someday, but I guess time will tell.

Last edited by Ursula; 08-06-2018 at 12:01 AM.
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post #14 of 134 (permalink) Old 08-05-2018, 11:59 PM
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Re: I think he's gone

You didn't do anything wrong and you didn't do anything that scared him off.

If anything, you were simply reading the signs that he was getting ready to fly the Koop anyway.

Those were legit questions based on astute observation and now you have your answer.

This was simply a near miss and wasn't meant to be. It was not through any wrong doing on your part at all.

Scratch him off the list and drive on with your head held high.
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post #15 of 134 (permalink) Old 08-05-2018, 11:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I think he's gone

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Full of ****. iPhones dont have that glitch

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I didn't think so, but thought I'd put that query out there.
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