The merry-go-round of life - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 122 (permalink) Old 10-19-2018, 10:51 AM Thread Starter
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The merry-go-round of life

I'm sure I'm going to take some flack for this post, but here goes.

That guy who broke things off with me back in August has never really left my life. We still hang out, and we've been intimate on occasion. We're very comfortable with each other, and genuinely enjoy each other's company. If I could have him in my life in a greater capacity, I would because, despite some questionable things in the past, I care about him, and he's important to me and vice versa.

Fast forward to yesterday, we had some conversation about "us"; he asked me if I felt that I'm too focused on where I want/need to be that I'm missing the moment in front of me now. I replied that there's nothing in front of me at this time, but that I enjoy my time with him all the time. He said that besides his family, I'm the only person he has an interest in hanging out and being intimate with, then asked if I still consider that there's nothing in front of me; and whether or not I consider that a relationship.

In all honesty, while I enjoy my time with him, I'm very confused by it all, as I'm the type of person who needs to know where I stand with someone. He doesn't want to label us, and for me to just accept things for what they are.

I asked at one point that if I went out with another man and kissed him, would he consider that cheating. He countered with, "if you're happy with what we have, why would you need to go on a date with someone else in the first place?" He also asked if I'd consider it cheating if he kissed another woman. Of course I wouldn't; we broke up in August, and in my mind, we've both been single since then. I think my response shocked him! However, I will be devastated when this does happen for him.

We seem to go through this mental cycle every few weeks. He'll see me accepting things, being happy with my life and moving on, and will bring up the question of: "why can't we try again?" Then, when I come around and am ready to try again, he'll hem and haw and say that he's not ready for a relationship, but likes what we have going.

Anyways, am I right to want (require?) and need more than what he has to offer, or should I just be accepting of things as they are, not label them, and just enjoy his company and see where it goes? I hate dating, and trying to weed men out of the dating pool, all while seeing more than 1 man at a time. It's just not something that's fun for me anymore, but I'm 40 and would really like to still have that family, even if it is in Step-Mom capacity; that's a role that I'd love to fill.

Okay, hit me up with advice or flogging!

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post #2 of 122 (permalink) Old 10-19-2018, 11:08 AM
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Re: The merry-go-round of life

You're just F buddies and that is all you should expect from him. If you want a different relationship you should really end all ties with this guy because having a safety net is holding you back from find the type of relationship/partner you want. I really have nothing against the situation you are in, but only if it became the relationship type you really wanted to have. If not, then you shouldn't compromise.

I don't do second place
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post #3 of 122 (permalink) Old 10-19-2018, 11:11 AM
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Re: The merry-go-round of life

I should add, when I use the no labels or just accept things as they are speech it is because the woman isn't an ideal match for me but I want to keep an easy sex relationship going while I keep my options open. Basically, it's keeping someone as a backup plan.

I don't do second place
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post #4 of 122 (permalink) Old 10-19-2018, 11:13 AM
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Re: The merry-go-round of life

No flogging.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
He also asked if I'd consider it cheating if he kissed another woman. Of course I wouldn't;

However, I will be devastated when this does happen for him.
This is a non sequitur. You should probably sort out these feelings and understand your motivation. Because, it IS GOING TO HAPPEN. If you don't consider it cheating, you should try to understand why you would feel the aftermath as if it were cheating.

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Anyways, am I right to want (require?) and need more than what he has to offer
You are "right", if you want and need more than he has to offer. Just understand, that he's NOT GOING TO GIVE IT..... he wants things "loose", and to have a no-commitment relationship. You will have to find this from someone else.

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Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
I'm 40 and would really like to still have that family, even if it is in Step-Mom capacity; that's a role that I'd love to fill.
And, nothing wrong with that at all. In fact, being a step-parent is a noble and worthy aspiration. But, this guy doesn't want a "family"....he wants a girl friend with as few "strings" as possible.

Last edited by TJW; 10-19-2018 at 11:20 AM.
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post #5 of 122 (permalink) Old 10-19-2018, 11:39 AM
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Re: The merry-go-round of life

You're dismissing the obvious for some reason. He wants a very casual situation and you want more. This will not resolve itself.

Why are you afraid to end this? Your current arrangement is guaranteed to leave you unfulfilled and I'm sure you know this.
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post #6 of 122 (permalink) Old 10-19-2018, 11:45 AM
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Re: The merry-go-round of life

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Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
Anyways, am I right to want (require?) and need more than what he has to offer, or should I just be accepting of things as they are, not label them, and just enjoy his company and see where it goes? I hate dating, and trying to weed men out of the dating pool, all while seeing more than 1 man at a time. It's just not something that's fun for me anymore, but I'm 40 and would really like to still have that family, even if it is in Step-Mom capacity; that's a role that I'd love to fill.
I'm wondering why you would even question this?

It's your life. You get to set the standard. That's not for anyone else to dictate, because ultimately, you're the one living with the choices.

You're not going to run into too many guys who're going to refuse casual sex or walk away from a person who's sexual available.

When I read your posts, I've often wondered - are you even legally divorced yet? I don't know how much post or what you leave out, but you seem to have sex with every guy you go out with.

My advice would be - just stop.

'Dating' sites are no longer about dating. As BP wrote recently, it's about companionship and sex. So, IMHO, the behaviors that we're seeing are a few rungs lower than prostitution.

And, of course, no man is going to say that, because, why would he?

You know what you want. Now you have to be brave enough to live it. And that means lots of men are going to walk away. But if they don't want the life you want, who cares?

The more you say no to what you don't want in your life, the strong you're going to feel and the more confidence you'll have in living your life your way.
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post #7 of 122 (permalink) Old 10-19-2018, 12:04 PM
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Re: The merry-go-round of life

@minimalME - First off I agree with what you wrote. However, I'm honest and upfront with my intentions and if a woman says she's good with it but isn't then I'll break up with her because I don't feel like it's fair if she isn't getting what she also wants.

I should probably say to Ursula that one of those women I was casually dating didn't like the casual arrangement and stood up for herself. We talked and both saw the casual wasn't working but liked spending time with each other so we decided cancel the casual dating and just be friends. Once friends we got to know each other better without the relationship pressure and we decided to date with commitment, and now we're in a labelled BF/GF relationship. But, this is not something I would expect in your situation with this guy.

I don't do second place
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post #8 of 122 (permalink) Old 10-19-2018, 12:39 PM
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Re: The merry-go-round of life

Ursula you are in a codependent relationship with this guy.
You are afraid to move on and until you do you won’t be able to have a serious relationship with anyone else.Because you are hoping that he will come round and tell you that he wants an exclusive relationship with you.
He won’t get off the pot because everything is great from his perspective.He has a casual fwb relationship with you and when you even hint at moving on he questions your motives.He is guilt tripping you and you are letting him do it.
I asked you this before and I’ll ask you again.
Where the **** do you find these guys?
You are forty,if you carry on as you are you will be fifty in the same predicament.
Tell him tonight that you have decided that you want more than he is prepared to offer.Give him a couple of days then block him.
If he is serious he will get in touch but as it is he holds all the cards.
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post #9 of 122 (permalink) Old 10-19-2018, 12:40 PM
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Re: The merry-go-round of life

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
... Anyways, am I right to want (require?) and need more than what he has to offer, or should I just be accepting of things as they are, not label them, and just enjoy his company and see where it goes? I hate dating, and trying to weed men out of the dating pool, all while seeing more than 1 man at a time. It's just not something that's fun for me anymore, but I'm 40 and would really like to still have that family, even if it is in Step-Mom capacity; that's a role that I'd love to fill.
@Ursula, here's the thing: you get to require any darn thing that you require. I'm single and I don't date more than one man at a time and I don't date for the opportunity to get a free meal or go do something with someone. I date specifically to see if the person is long-term commitment material. I also require advancing levels of commitment gradually, because to me that indicates growth and maturity.

YOU get to date as many men as you want, for whatever reason you want, as long as you want, requiring whatever you want. My only word of advice to you would be to identify how many/who you are comfortable dating, what you want out of them, why you want that out of them, how long you're willing to wait, and what are your minimum and ideal requirements. For example, you may want to marry again "one day" and that is a fine end goal, but you might say "I'm willing to date for a year but after a year if there's no move toward deeper commitment I will move on," or "At minimum I require mutual exclusivity and ideally I require growing commitment." On the other hand, maybe you want to date several men, have a variety of sexual experiences, and not really tie down to one...so a minimum you require safe sex, and ideally you require eventually heading toward exclusivity.

Then, once you have your own requirements identified, don't try to make others "fit" your requirement...just keep fishing until one also has the same requirements. That is to say, rather than trying to make this guy, who CLEARLY wants a "no strings attached" easy-going sexual connection, be a committed guy (he just isn't--so accept that he is what he is)...instead keep fishing for a committed guy.

See what I mean? Figure out what YOU want and why, and then stop trying to make others be who they're not. With this guy, either you go into it knowing this is who he is and he's not going to change and embrace that knowing you chose it...or you pick someone else.


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post #10 of 122 (permalink) Old 10-19-2018, 12:42 PM
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Hi, haven't you been having sex with two different men recently and trying to decide between the two of them?

I'd think it would be hard to present yourself as someone looking for an exclusive commitment with the man you are posting about if you are currently dating and have sex with others.

For instance: If a man I was seeing was dating and having sex with other women, I can't imagine him even being energetically in a place to think I should be offering more to him than merely an in the moment relationship.

Sometimes you get from others what represents the reality you are living.

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post #11 of 122 (permalink) Old 10-19-2018, 12:59 PM
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Re: The merry-go-round of life

Bluntly you are being used. He knows he's not going to give you the relationship you want because he can't. You enjoy the companionship so you go along. He's getting all he wants you're getting a small portion of what you want. You know what to do.
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post #12 of 122 (permalink) Old 10-19-2018, 01:01 PM
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Re: The merry-go-round of life

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Originally Posted by Bananapeel View Post
@minimalME - First off I agree with what you wrote. However, I'm honest and upfront with my intentions and if a woman says she's good with it but isn't then I'll break up with her because I don't feel like it's fair if she isn't getting what she also wants.
I appreciate and respect your honesty. I do.

I guess my problem with some of your posts is your use of language.

Prior to your gf, did you actually date? Or did you just meet up with women to access sexual availability?

And above you mention 'breaking up', but were you actually establishing relationships that you were breaking from?

You're using relational language, but I'm not getting that you actually formed relationships?

You often post about how men can stay detached and uninvolved. That's not relational. Usually what I read you recommending is no more than a convenient agreement for sexual gratification.
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post #13 of 122 (permalink) Old 10-19-2018, 01:37 PM
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Re: The merry-go-round of life

Well according to feminists, casual no strings sex is what you should be looking for in the first place. As most women find out, it's not ideal for them. Sure is for men though. He gets sex with no strings, which is what men have always wanted in the first place.

Stick to what feels right for YOU. If you want a real relationship with a man who wants the same, you wont find it anywhere with a FB.

Drop this guy and go after what you actually want. You won't ever find it with him. Men have a great saying "can't make a hoe a housewife." Which is very true. Ladies, you can't make a FB a husband. It wont ever work.

If my devils are to leave me, I'm afraid my angels will take flight as well.
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post #14 of 122 (permalink) Old 10-19-2018, 01:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The merry-go-round of life

Okay, getting to the big reply…

@Bananapeel, that's what I tried to tell him that we were awhile ago, and he insisted that his feelings are on a deeper level. However, I still believe this is what we are: FWB. He is holding me back, I agree. I'm also holding me back with my continued feelings for him. And good to hear your take on the "no labels" thing. I figured it was a manipulation tactic. And, that's fantastic that it's working out nicely with you and your GF! But I think you're right; it wouldn't work the same way with my ex.

@TJW, the reason I'd feel devastated is because I obviously still have feelings for the man, even though I know that's not in my best interests. I know it's going to happen, for both of us eventually. My mind says that he doesn't have more to offer, but my heart hasn't listened so far because I keep getting sucked (suckered?) into this stupid vortex of emotion. Every. Single. Damn. Time. You're correct, he wants something without strings, and he knows how to sucker me in.

@zookeeper, no, I'm not dismissing the obvious; I'm well aware of that, but I guess I hope that I'm missing something, and that this CAN work out. It can't and it won't. If this keeps up, I'll keep getting sucked into his games until he's ready to find someone to get serious about. Then, I'll be the castoff.

@minimalME, I agree with much of what you wrote, but am surprised that you consider me (and others who OLD) to be "a few rungs lower than prostitution". I don't dress ****ty, I don't stand on the street corner, and I don't take money in exchange for sexual services. How does that equate me to be lower than a prostitute in your eyes? That's a really low thing to say. However, what you're correct about: it is my life and I do get to set the standard. I just kept hoping that I was missing something or things would change. Of course they don't change though; I should know this by now. To answer your question: yes, I'm legally divorced at this time. And no, I don't have sex with every guy I go out with. I will get to the beginning stages of intimacy (i.e., kissing) if it's someone who I feel has possibilities of a strong match. If we go out a few times, and things are going well, then yes I'll get fully intimate with him. The sex in my marriage was awful, and I don't want that to happen again, so I need to find this out before too much time is invested on both parts. Yeah, I know what I want, but that's the question, isn't it: am I brave enough to keep trying and to live it?

@Andy1001, at this point, I think I could be the poster gal for codependent relationships, LoL! I am afraid to move on because there are still feelings there for this guy at times. Not all the time, but he knows which buttons to push. I know that I need to move on because I want to be able to be all-in with someone else someday. With the antics of this dude, that'll never happen until HE'S ready for it to happen. Then I'll be tossed to the side. He totally guilt trips me by asking what my evening/weekend plans are. I've found myself making excuses, and that's not right. Next time that Q comes up, I need to just tell him, I'm going out on a date, period. Where the F do I find these guys? This one was found on Match.

@Affaircare, believe it or not, but like you, I don't date to get free meals/drinks/whatever. I go out with men who I have an initial connection with, and want to explore it in-person. Sometimes, the connection is still there, sometimes it grows, often it fizzles. I also want advancing levels of commitment; who doesn't?! Honestly, I'm comfortable with more than 1 man if it's kept very casual. Once it starts to get deeper, more physical, more emotional, I'm comfortable dating only one man. So lately, I haven't been overly comfortable, which is why I've cracked down on the online stuff and won't go out with someone I see no point in going out with. The man who this post is about is different than those in that we already know each other, there's a comfort level there. But, it's not healthy and I know that. Good thoughts: accept him for who he is. And who he is, isn't the type of man I need/want to be with.

@Livvie, I have slept with 2 different men who I met online. I've been out with both numerous times, and have since cut one of them loose; it just wasn't working. The other man is going through some health issues, and has been in and out of contact for about 3 weeks now. He's a pretty good match, but obviously isn't around much, which isn't going to work for me either. I do agree with you on the exclusive commitment thing, but part of having that is knowing that you're compatible in ALL ways. If I'm in an exclusive relationship, obviously I'm not going to sleep around, or entertain going out casually with others. Once I'm exclusive, I devote 100% to that one man.

@happyhusband0005, yep, I'm being used, and yep, I know what to do!

@TheDudeLebowski, no strings, sexual "relationships" is what most men that I've come across seem to want. They've put good faces on online, but once we meet in-person and through continued texting, it's pretty apparent what they want. I've cut many of them loose. This dude seems to have a hold on me though, but that's a cycle I have to break. I dig your saying! Another good one is "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". That's what I've been: free milk. Yay.

At this point, I almost look forward to the next time dude asks me why we can't try again. Next time, I'll be strong and stick to my guns. I feel better equipped now to not let him get to me. He holds all the cards at this point, and he knows which ones to play to get my goat. I need to be done with this, and I need to get my sanity back so that I have something to offer to someone else.
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post #15 of 122 (permalink) Old 10-19-2018, 01:50 PM
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Re: The merry-go-round of life

Ursula, this man is useless to you. He wants you to only want him, but he doesn't want to make a commitment. He wants to be a cake eater. You need to cut him loose. Because even though he wants to cake eat, he doesn't want to share his cake either! If you find someone you want to be with while still being entangled with this mess of a man, you are in for a rough ride when you try to cut him loose. I think you need to end things NOW... you already know you don't want him as your exclusive partner and since he is being weirdly possessive, you are much better off to let it go.

ETA.. oops we posted at the same time, lol

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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Last edited by 3Xnocharm; 10-19-2018 at 01:55 PM.
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