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post #16 of 52 (permalink) Old 11-19-2018, 02:51 PM
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Re: What the hell is wrong with people?

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What is wrong with people? And when the hell am I going to catch a break? Glad I dodged that bullet though.
No one is perfect, you just have to find someone who is more compatible with you than incompatible. He had a few red flags. Ghosting you for several days is definitely a red flag.

Hey! You ditched him very quickly after realizing how flaky he is! You're recognizing those red flags sooner, and not sticking around for unnecessary hurt. Good for you!

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post #17 of 52 (permalink) Old 11-19-2018, 03:06 PM
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Originally Posted by zookeeper View Post
With all due respect, you should be asking what the hell is wrong with you. Why would you even consider dating someone who has admitted extreme anxiety issues and some other woman in his life that he has strong, unfulfilled feelings for? What good could possibly come from that?

I don't see anything wrong per se about dating someone new who has feelings for someone else. After all, that's why you date in the first place, so you can develop feelings for each other, right? Ursula only recently met this guy. It's only a problem if you have decided to become exclusive.
I do. I'm not into dating someone who is in love with someone else and sees that person regularly. Yuck! Why do I want to date that??

There are plenty of men out there who aren't currently smitten with someone else.
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post #18 of 52 (permalink) Old 11-19-2018, 03:17 PM
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Re: What the hell is wrong with people?

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Psychology degree people are nothing but messed up people. Avoid them like the plague.
Must.... Resist... Urge... To... Respond...
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post #19 of 52 (permalink) Old 11-19-2018, 03:53 PM
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Re: What the hell is wrong with people?

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There are about 3.5 billion men in this world. You need to find only one. That means that you will potentially reject 3.499999 billion men.

That’s a LOT of condoms before finding the right one...
Is there not a ‘fast track’ for this?



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post #20 of 52 (permalink) Old 11-19-2018, 04:45 PM
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Re: What the hell is wrong with people?

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Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
I was going to add to my last thread, but that one now revolves around singing karaoke, so I'll start a new one. And, I'll start with this: what in the sam hell is wrong with people who are out and about in the dating world?? Some of them need a good, swift kick in the ass.

In the last thread, I asked about second date ideas for someone who has social anxiety (which in this case, was him). He's 41, a psychologist who works in a hospital environment and with our local police and ambulance services, going to calls that require a psychological component. Interesting work, and a very interesting man to talk to. He's not perfect, but he was an excellent match for me, and I was very excited to see him again. Dealing with his anxiety took a bit though, as it is pretty severe, and I pretty much had to cater to him so that he was comfortable.

Fast forward to last week… he suddenly seemed to get very busy at work, and was very out of touch, even if I messaged him, I wouldn't hear back for hours. This was weird because he said that he didn't like to leave people hanging because he knew the anxiety that it could induce. Our first meetup was Nov 10 (Sat); on Nov 13 (Tues), apparently, the woman that he's madly in love with started in on her feelings of lust for him again, and so he's conflicted. Apparently, they've never dated or done anything physical; just hang out. They work together, and are on frequent shifts together, which means that she's either a police officer or an EMT. He picks up as many shifts as he can, and I now know why. He told me initially (before we even met up) that he didn't know if he had the time to date someone. Last week, he met up with this work girl for lunch on Wed, brunch and supper on Thurs, met up Fri, Sat and Sun. And get this: she was with her BOYFRIEND Saturday night. Yeah, she's in a relationship with someone else. Really messed up situation. And, the dude I met is on eHarmony, looking for love.

What is wrong with people? And when the hell am I going to catch a break? Glad I dodged that bullet though.
You found a pathetic beta orbiter.
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post #21 of 52 (permalink) Old 11-19-2018, 04:49 PM
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Re: What the hell is wrong with people?

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Psychology degree people are nothing but messed up people. Avoid them like the plague.
My wife has a Doctorate in Psychology! Oh.. wait...


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post #22 of 52 (permalink) Old 11-19-2018, 05:42 PM
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Re: What the hell is wrong with people?

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@zookeeper, whoa, whoa whoa, I knew about the anxiety, but didn't know quite how severe it was until we started planning our first meet up. As to why I'd consider dating someone with anxiety is this: I also have anxiety, but not to that great an extent. For me, it's situational, and I can usually work through it. Most of the people that I know have a bit of anxiety. I didn't know about the love of his life until this past Saturday evening. And here's a good question: why the hell do some people just assume that I'm after sex? I'm not. It's important in a relationship, yes, but I'm after a stable, steady relationship, not just boinking. So, you can kindly stop thinking that, thanks.
YOU called his anxiety severe. That's hardly analogous to the normal types of mild, situational anxiety the average person experiences. Perhaps you didn't realize the severity of his condition initially, but you were still trying to date this guy after you did as evidenced by your own admission. Severe anxiety undermines stability so it really should be a dis-qualifier for you if that's what you really want.

You said that this other woman "on Nov 13 (Tues), apparently, the woman that he's madly in love with started in on her feelings of lust for him again," suggesting that you were aware of this at least once before. My apologies if I misunderstood. I would hope that the minute you heard about this unhealthy situation you told him to take a hike.

Please re-read my post. I did not suggest that you are after sex, that where the "if" part comes in. Simply put, I can't see any reason to continue with this man unless all you wanted was sex. Because that is about the only thing he could give you that a platonic friend can't.

Your picker seems to be out of calibration. If you want to find what you say you are looking for, you must learn to recognize what qualities such a man should have and (more importantly) what qualities he must not. I'd suggest that you sit down and write out a list of these qualities. Prioritize them the best you can and then evaluate prospective men by this list. You likely won't get everything you want, but the most important are critical. As soon as you see fundamental incompatibility, walk the other way.

For example:

If you want a man who can take care of you, unemployment should be a deal-breaker.

If you want a man who has a lot of time to spend with you, someone who tells you they are too busy to date would be a poor choice.

If you want a man to mix with your friends/family and take you out on the town, avoid a man with social anxiety.

If you have an aversion to sex, a man with a voracious sexual appetite should be rejected immediately.

If you have a voracious sexual appetite, a man with an aversion to sex should be equally rejected.

Etc.

Notice where I have written "if". It does not in any way construe a suggestion that these in fact are your feelings. These are merely illustrative points.

I hope that you can see that there is nothing "wrong" with any of these people, they are simply not compatible with you. The way that you have power to find what you want is by shifting the blame from them and putting it straight on the one person whose actions you can control. You.

Ultimately, the one thing that every man you have dated has in common is you. Don't you think at least some of this is your responsibility? This guy was at least upfront with you that he didn't know if he even had time to date. Why were you surprised when he turned out to be just that?

Last edited by zookeeper; 11-19-2018 at 05:47 PM.
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post #23 of 52 (permalink) Old 11-19-2018, 05:52 PM
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Re: What the hell is wrong with people?

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I do. I'm not into dating someone who is in love with someone else and sees that person regularly. Yuck! Why do I want to date that??

There are plenty of men out there who aren't currently smitten with someone else.
It's fine for casual sex if that's what someone is into, but casual sex is not dating. Not according to my lexicon, at least. Dating to me implies a deliberate effort to explore a progression toward a more serious relationship.
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post #24 of 52 (permalink) Old 11-19-2018, 06:18 PM
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Re: What the hell is wrong with people?

@Ursula Sorry my introduction of the karaoke idea jacked your previous thread

I'm really glad you dodged that bullet. This guy sounds like a disaster, for reals.

I've experienced some of the same with OLD... I'm in no rush to get back into that, seeing as how I've come across so many red flags with so many guys. It's ridiculous. People insist it's a numbers game, but I'm a busy woman. I don't have time for that.

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post #25 of 52 (permalink) Old 11-19-2018, 07:30 PM
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Re: What the hell is wrong with people?

Can relate. People. They are a changing.
Companionship is a blessing, however, if I didn't have my wife, I doubt I would even try to have a relationship again.
Of all the women I know there are none that don't set off "spidey" senses some. Maybe I'm spoiled. 😎

I know a psychologist; not one of few I have had good discussions with; that is a marriage counselor who is divorced. A kid always in trouble.

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post #26 of 52 (permalink) Old 11-20-2018, 04:17 AM
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Re: What the hell is wrong with people?

There must be a better way for dating. There are really nice men and really nice women out there - why is it so hard for them to find each other. (yes I can imagine all the reasons). Still is just seems so - well sad.

Ursula - clearly you dodged a bullet here. You will find someone.
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post #27 of 52 (permalink) Old 11-20-2018, 09:55 AM
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Re: What the hell is wrong with people?

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Originally Posted by Livvie View Post
There are plenty of men out there who aren't currently smitten with someone else.
Maybe some men are different, but during my dating years, I was always smitten with someone, somewhere.
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post #28 of 52 (permalink) Old 11-20-2018, 10:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What the hell is wrong with people?

@zookeeper, yes, I called his anxiety severe, but also said I didn't know how severe it was until we were trying to find a place to meet the day before our first meet-up. I made the choice to still go, and to be honest, once we got to talking, his anxiety went away completely. But yes, it was my own choice. My anxiety is usually high before meeting someone new too, until I talk to them then I relax. As a human being, I wouldn't want someone to pass over me because of that. No one is perfect. As for the "other woman", I learned about her this past Saturday, the day before him and I were planning on meeting. After finding out about this, I took myself out of the equation. I reread your post, and no, you didn't outright suggest that I was just after sex, but I feel that it was hinted at. And, I feel that way because I've gotten that reaction before, from others here. For some reason, because I'm active and in the dating world, and have slept with a couple guys I've met online, people just tend to assume that sex is the only thing I'm after. In reality, I went through a bad sexual experience throughout my marriage, and would NEVER get into a committed relationship without knowing if we're sexually compatible. I'm not going through that again! My picker is fine; it's some of the dudes online who pose as someone they're not, that isn't fine. I know what qualities I want in a man (yes, I have a list of my top 4), but unfortunately, it takes communication with said man to know whether or not he possesses those qualities. If I could just magically know by reading their profile and looking at their pictures, it would save a TON of time. Unfortunately though, it takes a few exchanged messages, and most definitely a meet-up or two to make sure we're on the right track. And, I'm sorry, but I disagree. There are some people out there who are just messed up, and some hide it very well. This "man" is one of those. This situation is not one bit my fault; it's his, 100%. The only thing I'm guilty of is being nice and communicating with him. I control my choices; not his.

@FeministInPink, no worries at all; I actually find threadjacks to be amusing :-) I think I'm there with you: I'm a busy woman and don't have time for dealing with things like this. I will play out the remainder of my EH subscription, but after that, I think I'll just lay low and become the crazy dog lady in the neighbourhood.

@red oak, I would imagine that companionship is a blessing, you sound lucky to have your wife as your companion.

@uhtred, I would hope so!
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post #29 of 52 (permalink) Old 11-20-2018, 11:31 AM
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Re: What the hell is wrong with people?

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Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
@zookeeper, whoa, whoa whoa, why the hell do some people just assume that I'm after sex? I'm not. It's important in a relationship, yes, but I'm after a stable, steady relationship, not just boinking. So, you can kindly stop thinking that, thanks.
What the hell do you mean you aren't after sex?
You had better be!

You can go to restaurants with your girlfriends.
You can talk trash with your lady friends....if you choose.
You can go for walks, short trips, go to concerts, shows, you name it.

Yes, you can do these things with a man, too. Toot Toot.

But, going with a man is different.

Going with a man that you are 'close' to, intimate with means you can place your hand in his back pocket and not worry.
You can press your breast 'hard' against his shoulder and not worry.

You can rest your head on his shoulder when driving.
And fondle his carrot.

Oh, I forgot.
They do not make cars with a single front seat anymore!!

It is hard to snuggle with cars having two bucket seats. Damn!

An intimate man can lick your ear when you are not expecting it. A lady friend dare not!


On some long, deserted walking path, he can grab you from behind and touch and squeeze your jello jollies.

That is why you need a man.

Those ladies that don't?

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out. The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall.
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post #30 of 52 (permalink) Old 11-20-2018, 11:54 AM
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Re: What the hell is wrong with people?

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
What the hell do you mean you aren't after sex?
You had better be!

You can go to restaurants with your girlfriends.
You can talk trash with your lady friends....if you choose.
You can go for walks, short trips, go to concerts, shows, you name it.

Yes, you can do these things with a man, too. Toot Toot.

But, going with a man is different.

Going with a man that you are 'close' to, intimate with means you can place your hand in his back pocket and not worry.
You can press your breast 'hard' against his shoulder and not worry.

You can rest your head on his shoulder when driving.
And fondle his carrot.

Oh, I forgot.
They do not make cars with a single front seat anymore!!

It is hard to snuggle with cars having two bucket seats. Damn!

An intimate man can lick your ear when you are not expecting it. A lady friend dare not!


On some long, deserted walking path, he can grab you from behind and touch and squeeze your jello jollies.

That is why you need a man.

Those ladies that don't?
Mars, I don't get the impression that she doesn't want sex! I thinks she's not solely looking for sex or a quick hookup--she's looking for an intimate relationship, which INCLUDES sex

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