Should girlfriends Past be an issue? - Page 22 - Talk About Marriage
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post #316 of 342 (permalink) Old 03-29-2019, 01:38 PM
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Re: Should girlfriends Past be an issue?

Eh, when people only pop in to express their hope that something is wrong, it's very telling.

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post #317 of 342 (permalink) Old 03-29-2019, 02:14 PM
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Re: Should girlfriends Past be an issue?

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Originally Posted by Talk2Me View Post
You’re right I don’t need internet strangers approval to be happy. Just find it crazy at what people here are saying. Just thought a group like this would be somewhat supportive
I think that overall, the group has been quite supportive. Most of us have honed in on two key ideas:

1. She has been brutally honest with you about her past. If she was trying to deceive, or even minimize, she wouldn't have told you what she has told you, especially knowing the judgment it could lead to. Many of us see bravery and integrity here.

2. That her behavior toward you and respect for your relationship has been rock solid for two years now. Contrary to one opinion expressed on this thread, people are not generally able to "keep it together" for a duration of that length if there's something is still amiss.

Some may still say there's still risk attached here, but there's risk in every relationship. The red flags appear to be in the past and the recent history, which is long enough to establish a solid pattern, is free of those red flags.

Don't let a few naysayers commandeer your impression of this site as a whole. There've been plenty of posters, both male and female, who are seeing things like you do.

Personally, while acknowledging the risk, I would still add that a woman who has been through all this and come out the other side with her wits intact and her integrity solid, is likely to be a most exceptional woman indeed. Recognizing that can carry great reward.
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post #318 of 342 (permalink) Old 03-29-2019, 02:17 PM
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Re: Should girlfriends Past be an issue?

Telling you to be thoughtful and careful is being supportive.
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post #319 of 342 (permalink) Old 03-29-2019, 02:53 PM
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Re: Should girlfriends Past be an issue?

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Originally Posted by Talk2Me View Post
HERE IS SOMETHING ELSE THAT MOST HERE HAVE COMPLETELY MISSED:

She is a Board Certified Behavioral Analyst with her Masters Degree and getting ready to start her PhD program. SHE understands human behavior better than 99% of the population. She knows people only do things for 4 reasons. She has analyzed herself more than anyone else. She said this has helped her cope with her decisions and get beyond them.

Some of the people on here are ruthless. They think everyone needs to be a virgin until marriage. The prob. expressed those views to their current partners and their partners lied to them about their pasts. I would much rather someone be honest with me from the start instead of finding out the dirt later in life.
There is definitely some blatant blindness going on here and I apologise for the belligerent lack of relevance some posters are exhibiting as well as absolutely ignoring important facts from your posts to doggedly pursue a weird agenda.

BTW, when did you stop beating your wife?

Oh, you say you never did?

Ok. So when did you ACTUALLY stop beating her?....🙄
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post #320 of 342 (permalink) Old 03-29-2019, 03:07 PM
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Re: Should girlfriends Past be an issue?

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There is definitely some blatant blindness going on here and I apologise for the belligerent lack of relevance some posters are exhibiting as well as absolutely ignoring important facts from your posts to doggedly pursue a weird agenda.

BTW, when did you stop beating your wife?

Oh, you say you never did?

Ok. So when did you ACTUALLY stop beating her?....🙄
This made me chortle.

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post #321 of 342 (permalink) Old 03-29-2019, 03:45 PM
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Re: Should girlfriends Past be an issue?

@Talk2Me

This link is appropriate for your situation, and how you feel: https://www.retroactivejealousy.com/girlfriends-past/

As for me! Yes, my partner's history was/is important to me.

I am religious (moderate), and did not compromise on my 'core set-of-values' for self-gratification prior to my marriage. I was seeking a potential partner whose 'core-set-of-values' would match mine before tying the knot. Even though I had the opportunity to meet and interact with some beautiful and/or interesting girls from time-to-time but I was not in a rush. Fate smiled at me one day, and I met the right one for me. My (now) wife is a gem; numerous men were interested in her due to her qualities and values but I went extra mile to catch her attention and woo her LOL.

I advice people to try to meet and observe family members, and friends, of your potential partner (woman) while courting her; you can learn a lot about your potential partner, her choices, her history, and what kind of company she keeps, from this kind of homework if you are able to fit in and play your cards right.

In summation:

Chemistry versus Compatibility

Never rush into a relationship, and it is wise to meet numerous people to figure out the best one for you.

Last edited by LeGenDary_Man; 03-29-2019 at 03:51 PM.
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post #322 of 342 (permalink) Old 03-29-2019, 07:07 PM
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Re: Should girlfriends Past be an issue?

Regarding the references to the importance of compatibility vice mere chemistry, I dont think that changes the calculus here at all.

Compatibility is with who someone is, not who they were a decade ago.

And this couple has been together 2 years now, so it would seem they've cleared the "rushing into anything" hurdle.
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post #323 of 342 (permalink) Old 03-30-2019, 09:23 AM
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Regarding the references to the importance of compatibility vice mere chemistry, I dont think that changes the calculus here at all.

Compatibility is with who someone is, not who they were a decade ago.

And this couple has been together 2 years now, so it would seem they've cleared the "rushing into anything" hurdle.
Nope, it doesn't.

It's like they read none of the OP's posts and just pontificate on the title.
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post #324 of 342 (permalink) Old 03-30-2019, 12:48 PM
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Re: Should girlfriends Past be an issue?

I'm not sure why we're still having this discussion.

I don't see this as a retroactive jealousy issue here at all.

I don't think the OP is jealous or threatened or insecure about her past. I think he is just a little turned off by her past behavior and finds it kind of offends his sensibilities a little bit as his sexual values and mores back in those days was different than hers. Either he can deal with that or he can't.

This isn't a cheating issue. Nothing he has said indicates she's a cheater or attention wh*re or anything. If at some point in the next 50 years she decides to cheat, she can, just like he can and just like anyone else. If you want guarantees that someone will never cheat, then maybe you should check into living in some other universe because cheating happens in this universe whether someone was the town tramp or a virgin church girl when the couple first met.

As I said in one of my first posts to this thread, I think this comes down to can he love, honor, respect and cherish her the way a husband should knowing what he's knows about her past?

If the answer is yes, then he does not need to justify his choice to the church or his family or the village chieftans or to us.

And if the answer is no, then neither one needs that torment or hassle and should simply move along.

They're full grown adults and can make big boy and big girl decisions on who they want in their lives and how they want to live.
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post #325 of 342 (permalink) Old 03-30-2019, 06:31 PM
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Re: Should girlfriends Past be an issue?

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No offense but a woman of these “values” would most likely turn into a life long battle of sexual frustration
Which set-of-values?

Women are complex beings, and we cannot generalize about their sexuality.

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post #326 of 342 (permalink) Old 03-31-2019, 05:47 AM
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Re: Should girlfriends Past be an issue?

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No offense but a woman of these “values” would most likely turn into a life long battle of sexual frustration
So because a women or man has strong moral values he wont be a good lover? You are SO wrong. So VERY wrong, and that is offensive towards those who have deliberately chosen not to have many or any sexual partners before marriage.
The best and happiest marriages I know are between couples who didn't have sex before marriage. We have a great sex life, my husband has never had sex outside marriage.

They don't wait because they don't like sex, on the contrary, they wait because they see it as very important.

Having multiple one night stands/casual sexual partners in no way makes you good at sex.
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post #327 of 342 (permalink) Old 03-31-2019, 06:58 AM Thread Starter
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Can we NOT make this thread a religious thread. Not once did I post anything about religion. Religion in my eyes has ruined more sex lives than anything else. I am not a religious person and my thoughts on sex
are not impeaded on religion.
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post #328 of 342 (permalink) Old 03-31-2019, 07:02 AM
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Is the essence of the problem the fact that your girlfriend took money for sex in order to lessen student loans? Is that what's really bothering you?
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post #329 of 342 (permalink) Old 03-31-2019, 07:50 AM
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Re: Should girlfriends Past be an issue?

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That's a good thing and there are many who can't say the same.

You I disagree on a few things but I'll give you credit for sticking up for what you believe in and the fact that it has worked out for you with your husband.
Thank you, I wasn't prepared to compromise this time. I would rather stay single than that.

Last edited by Diana7; 03-31-2019 at 08:12 AM.
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post #330 of 342 (permalink) Old 03-31-2019, 10:24 AM
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Re: Should girlfriends Past be an issue?

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Are you sure about that? It's entirely possible your views on your GF's past are actually influenced by religion. If you grew up in the US, for example, Christian values are all around. Including the socially prevalent standard/belief that a good girl is a pure girl and that's the kind of girl you want to bring home to mom and marry. It'd be almost impossible, considering how religious views have permeated society for generations, for your views not to be at least inadvertently influenced by religion.


Most people aren't bothered to know their partner has had casual sex with a FWB or a few ONS's with people they met at a party or the pub/bar/club/disco. Yet most people would be bothered that their partner had sex for money. Why is that? Why is casual sex ok, but casual sex with financial compensation is not?

I am very interested in your response because I honestly can't figure it out. The only difference I can see between casual sex and casual sex for money is the money and I don't "get" why money being involved makes it a problem.
That's a really good question. It does seem incongruous.

But I don't see it as a religion-influenced position. Religion would condemn all casual sex, whether or not money was exchanged.
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