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post #16 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-02-2019, 05:46 PM
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Re: And the stupid dating game continues

I think you folks need to qualify what 'dating' is.

I think the most people I dated at once was 4, and these all revolved around meet and greets and determining if there were going to be any more dates. I thinks it's nuts for anyone to presume exclusivity ... but they do, I remember getting a veeeery angry email from a woman I had messaged online and we were trying to set up a date. She put off getting together twice, supposedly due to childcare issues ... again fine. But in the interim, I met someone awesome ... and we decided to become exclusive. I messaged the other woman as a courtesy, and she lost her sh*t over the fact that I was 'carrying on' while corresponding with her. Also her prerogative ... but most certainly not mine.

Once sex was involved ... I usually cut whatever remaining threads I had hanging out there.

Don't look at dating as a means to an end. It's the start of the process of qualifying people that are worthy of your time as being 'in' or 'out'.

Ursula, you dig this guy, and you may need to go on X many dates before you meet another guy that checks the same boxes. Full disclosure I probably went on over 120 dates ... I drank a lot coffee and ate a lot ice cream. The majority of those were 1 and done's.


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post #17 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-02-2019, 05:56 PM
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Re: And the stupid dating game continues

First of all happy birthday Ursula,
the fact that he was up front and told you that means he is respective of you, the problem i see is that he is a newbie in the dating world and he finds himself unsure of a lot of things...i get it, but i also understand where you are coming from as well....my suggestion is that you tell him on friday that you could see yourself building a relationship with him and see where it goes, but that you understand that he needs to see what is out there, and that you will back off and allow him the sow his oats so to speak. now you put the ball in his court and he can go seek other women but that you will not see him again unless he is is interested, he may call you but to see you requires a form of commitment.
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post #18 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-02-2019, 06:31 PM
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Re: And the stupid dating game continues

Which dating service are you using? The impression I get is that most of them are for people who are looking for hookups or enjoy the dating lifestyle. I would suspect that most people are talking to and dating lots of people at the same time. But maybe there are other services for people who are looking for more exclusive relationships and getting to know each other before getting intimate.

I would also suspect that it's going to take a while to really get to know someone who is just getting back into dating. It may take a while for that person to figure out who they are and who they are looking for in a partner. I would expect the initial dates to be more about them trying to please you so they are accepted rather than them being their true self. That is, I would expect them to have their best facade showing because they really don't want to fail. So you may not really know who this guy is after just 4 dates anyway.
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post #19 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-03-2019, 01:56 AM
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Re: And the stupid dating game continues

At least he was HONEST about it ...... that in itself is a good sign of his character.

From my point of view I would say that I perhaps don't blame him for wanting to review his options.

Considering you were his first online date, I'm sure he is still trying to get all this processed in his head.
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post #20 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-03-2019, 05:11 AM
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Re: And the stupid dating game continues

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I'm with the keep your options open crowd and don't give up. I read an article by a dating coach/author who said she went 98 first dates before she found her now husband (2nd marriage for both). 98!! That doesn't include any of the second, third, or short term relationships.

Your guy is out there.
I agree I went on way more that 98. It had to be closer to 200 before I met soon to be fiancť. You know when itís a match I think
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post #21 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-03-2019, 06:19 AM
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Re: And the stupid dating game continues

I just want to throw this in here...

I reentered the dating world after over 20 years of M. The last 5 of that M had been gearing up to leave, which also involved a lot of thinking about what I wanted (and didn’t want) in a partner. By the time I started dating, I knew exactly what I was looking for.

The chatting portion of OLD weeded out most quickly. There were only a couple of men that I wanted to actually meet IRL.

I met my current hubby almost immediately. We knew very quickly we were right for each other. Do I have regrets that it was too quick or I didn’t have enough time to date around? NONE. Like I said, I knew what I wanted, and I personally am 100% a relationship person. I was serious about what I was doing, I knew I wanted to get remarried, and I was dating for that purpose, not to meet ppl and hook up NSA. Frankly, I was so serious about that I didn’t even talk to the ones that listed “Just dating” or whatever rhe wording was as what they were looking for. I only talked to “Looking for a serious relationship”.

So, I suppose it all boils down to what you want. I see nothing wrong with liking this guy, and not wanting to date multiple people once you have committed to being together at that one month point (or whatever you determine).

Just because someone has been married for 10 years, doesn’t mean they need to go bonkers and bone a bunch of people before they settle down with one. Those were not the type of men I wanted. I wanted one that wanted a serious relationship also. I don’t share men. As they say... “I don’t play well with others”

Ciao,

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post #22 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-03-2019, 06:34 AM
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Re: And the stupid dating game continues

Sometimes we forget who we got,
Who they are.
Oh, who they are not.
There is so much more in love,
Than black and white.
Keep it loose child,
Gotta keep it tight - Amos Lee



Happy birthday, sweetpea.
Ya know, sometimes a good sleep refreshes perspective.

Music belongs in a place with hearts beating and brains dreaming and people falling in love. - J.Buckley
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post #23 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-03-2019, 09:15 AM
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I agree I went on way more that 98. It had to be closer to 200 before I met soon to be fiancť. You know when it’s a match I think
**** Wolf, way to depress me on a Wednesday morning. Here I thought my goal of going on 99 first dates in one year was absurd. I will lose my mind if that number doubles.
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post #24 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-03-2019, 09:29 AM
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@Ursula just have fun with it. I made dating a game and didn't take anyone or anything that was said to me seriously, at least not within the first handful of dates.

Here's a story that may make you laugh. When I had my OLD profile up, it specifically said "looking for serious, committed, and monogamous relationship". The first guy I met and dated for more than a couple of dates knew this (I made it pretty damn clear from the get go). Well, he started pushing for sex on date #3 to which I reminded him about my stance. He got kind of pissy and ended the date. He messaged me later than night to tell me he wasn't interested in a serious relationship but would be open to a FWB situation. My response: "that position is currently filled but will be eliminated as soon as I can fill the boyfriend position.
Let me know if you'd like me to add you to the waitlist". Never heard from him again. I laughed.
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post #25 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-03-2019, 09:36 AM
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Re: And the stupid dating game continues

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No, where we're from, you can't sign divorce paper until you've been separated for a year at the very least. Unless you're getting divorced for something like adultery; then it can be expedited.
One of my strictest rules when dating was to avoid separated men like the Black Plague. And I stuck to that rule.

Separated = unfinished business. Don't misunderstand - I'm not one of those fanatics who think you need to remain celibate until a judge declares you legally divorced, just because you're still legally married. At that point, it's in name only so date away. But so much of the time, these separated guys come with SO much baggage and SO much drama. And for a lot of people (both men and women), some of them see separation as a time for them before the axe falls to try to get back with their spouse.

That's why I see separation as unfinished business - enough time hasn't gone by to insure that they're REALLY over that part of their lives and in a healthy enough place to move forward.

Lastly, I've heard too many times about separated men starting new relationships then leaving their new woman in the dust when they went running back to their wives. Unfortunately, you're the REBOUND relationship for him since you're the first one he's dated since his marriage went south. Not a good position to be in.

I would keep my options WIDE open and not put all my eggs in his basket. Nope, I wouldn't.


Once you start seeing your worth, you'll find it harder to stay around people who don't.
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post #26 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-03-2019, 09:36 AM
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Re: And the stupid dating game continues

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"that position is currently filled but will be eliminated as soon as I can fill the boyfriend position.
Let me know if you'd like me to add you to the waitlist".


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post #27 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-03-2019, 09:52 AM
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Re: And the stupid dating game continues

My always unpopular opinion - LOL

"Iíve been seeing a really fantastic man for about 3 weeks now.. ". How could anyone possibly know that after only 3 weeks and 3 dates ? Even a super sick psycho wife beater child molester could probably hide their true self for that brief of a time.
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post #28 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-03-2019, 10:30 AM
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Re: And the stupid dating game continues

Whatever legitimate reason he has for not pursuing his divorce now, I wouldn't get too comfortable dating him until he started pursuing it. There is a thread on here started by a female poster who bought a house with a separated man and he stopped completing his divorce.

And of course, there is the agr old example of my mother's friend whose husband never completed their divorce and then died. So the years long mistress got nothing.......
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post #29 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-03-2019, 10:30 AM
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Re: And the stupid dating game continues

Whatever legitimate reason he has for not pursuing his divorce now, I wouldn't get too comfortable dating him until he started pursuing it. There is a thread on here started by a female poster who bought a house with a separated man and he stopped completing his divorce.

And of course, there is the age old example of my mother's friend whose husband never completed their divorce and then died. So the years long mistress got nothing.......
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post #30 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-03-2019, 12:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: And the stupid dating game continues

Hey there, thanks for the replies and thoughts y'all!

@Diana7, I personally hate multi-dating. I get confused between whoís who and who said what, and have put my foot in my mouth more than once. Iím not OK with someone that I really like dating others. BUT, I donít want him to settle for me if thereís a better match out there for him. I know from past experience that Iím usually the one who is passed over when thereís more than 1 woman in ďcompetitionĒ for the same man. I really like being around him; it was comfortable right from the get-go. So, Iím going to continue to enjoy that company while itís there, and see where it goes. If it goes somewhere, great, if not, at least I know that there are decent men out there yet; theyíre just hard to find. In the meantime, Iím going to continue to put myself out there and see others, and if he asks, Iíll let him know.

@Deejo, I try not to look at dating as a means to an end, and instead just suss out men to see if theyíre worth spending more time getting to know. Often, theyíre not, but in very rare cases like this one, theyíre definitely worth spending time getting to know. I also understand though that heís been committed for 10 years, and out of a marriage for only 1 year. So, I understand that heíd want to see others. Itís just disappointing to me because Iíve been through the ringer and I know whatís out there. So, when I find a good man (which is rare), I want to hang on like a pup to a root. However, thatís suffocating. Yes, once sex is involved, I would be cutting off any other contact with anyone else, and would expect him to do the same. We havenít hit that point yet.

@Lostinthought61, thank-you for the birthday wishes! :-) I do like your thoughts on having a conversation with him on Friday. The only thing is that not spending time with each other also means that we arenít getting to know one another better, which means that thereís not much chance of moving forward with anything, including a friendship. I do understand though, but may give it a little more time before doing this. If we go out a few more times, and heís still not ready to move in any direction, this is a course of action that Iíll try.

@heartsbeating, thank-you, too, for the birthday wishes! I didnít get a good nightís sleep, but do have a less depressed perspective this morning.

@wilson, Iím just on eHarmony and Bumble at this time. I get what youíre saying, but thereís just something about this man that makes me feel like heís being real with me. Heís been the same guy throughout all of the dates, and has told me some personal information that Iím sure most wouldnít share right away. I learned this info on our first date. Heís also shown me photos of his kids, also on date #1. Most people tend to keep intimate details like that hidden for awhile. I feel like heís the real deal, and that heís showing me who he is. He could be lying, yup, but I get the feeling that heís not. But yes, we both have a very long way to go before we know each other well. I just feel like weíve gotten a really strong start at this point.

@Spicy, Iím at the point that you describe as well.

@Lila, your story made me laugh, thank-you!

@2&out, I donít know 100% if heís the one I want to be with for the long-term. I canít possibly know that after only 4 dates. But, I do know that this is something worth exploring further. Iím just at the point where heís really the only man Iím interested in spending time with, and I want to know what makes him tick.

@NextTimeAround, heís pursuing the divorce, and they have lawyer meetings set up for later this month. Iím also privy to some information regarding this, and the sale of their home, etc. Iím comfortable with where things stand with where heís at, but would never buy a home with him or anyone else anytime soon. Hellís no!

Some have talked about the number of dates theyíve been on before finding their Mr. or Miss. Right. Here are my stats: was on Match during Dec 2017 to March 2018 and went on 56 dates with 27 men. Iíve been on Bumble since late August 2018 and eHarmony since October 2018 (currently still on both), and Iíve met probably at least double the amount of men. To be honest, I stopped keeping track because it just became depressing. So, Iíve probably met 90+ men since December 2017, and had 1 really poor relationship out of that which lasted 4 months. Besides this current man, Iíve met 2 other really fantastic men who were contenders: 1 I ended because he was very clingy; 1 he ended because he chose someone else over me due to our differing cultural backgrounds. Iíve met some other really nice men who could be contenders, but they havenít been interested. I get a lot interested in just sex/FWB/FB though.
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