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post #46 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-05-2019, 02:35 PM
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Re: And the stupid dating game continues

I'll also state that a very standard practice for me, was NOT to get caught up in weeks of texting or emailing, or phone calls. The point of the exercise is to have the date. Plan on a 40 minute date for coffee, or lunch, ice cream dates were a favorite of mine. If you have a problem with ice cream short of lactose intolerance, you just made my decision for me.

I wrote about my experience with a woman years ago, we exchanged some emails, than texting, than phone calls. We literally spoke for about 3 weeks before we met. She had my photos. She even brought up and started discussing sex.

We planned back to back dates, a Friday, after I literally had flown in from business travel, and then a day date on Saturday. Long story short, when we met Friday, and it became apparent in very short order that she liked the photos better than the actual merchandise.

We had established a rapport before actually even meeting ... which in my opinion is a bad idea, because as in my case it can set up a false narrative.

3 points of contact and ask for the date. And my advice to you is, that if you are corresponding with a guy who HASN'T asked for a date after no more than 5 points of contact, email or whatver; (mine was 3), he's probably not worth your time. I'll tell you on dating sites who doesn't mind the 'long game' at all? Married dudes.

It's worth recognizing that women want to be safe, and again, most men are going to acknowledge that. But my simple rule for being on a dating site, was to get to the date. All the phone calls and texts in the world, don't have the same weight as that first 30 seconds when you look in someone eyes, or regard their smile (or lack of one) when you are actually engaging for the first time.

I know it's easy to roll your eyes at the D-bags like that guy, but there is also something to be said for 'failing fast', the faster you can weed through chaff, the sooner you will eventually get to the wheat.


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post #47 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-05-2019, 02:51 PM
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Re: And the stupid dating game continues

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Considering how many men you have dated during this journey... perhaps consider a new tactic with him.

When he tells you that he wants to date others, let him know you thought about it, and think the two of you have real potential, and that you are not interested in sharing him. That if he wants to date others, that he should do so, and you will understand...but if he would like to date you, that you want to be exclusive. Present this to him in a way that makes him feel special (sounds like he is) and makes you different from many of the others out there. My H got the date with me because he was going to stop talking to me because he thought I was chatting with other guys and he was SO over all the games and only wanted to be in a committed relationship. That is what made me realize THIS was a man I wanted to meet...

I understand it might be too late with this guy, if you have already told him you are fine with him seeing others, but if it were me, I would recant that if you like him this much, and if it is this hard to meet good connections. Great love stories many times begin with someone being bold.

If itís to late with this one, and you are done with this merry go round, consider being upfront, that you are looking for a serious relationship only right in your dating profile and when you first meet a man. Personally, I think that may help you weed out a lot of these people that are just wanting FWB. What have you got to lose by trying a different tactic (unless you have already done this and found it not to be successful.)

Just my .02. Iím kind of an oddball on my approach with most things though as yíall have probably noticed. I think scenarios through WAY too much.
I like the boldness of @Spicy 's suggestion. Fits with the 'fail faster' approach. You know if someone is in, or not. Of course my own personal spin would also be to throw in, "And if you do agree to exclusivity, and choose to date around anyway? Well ... let's not dwell on that, have I told you about my machete collection?"

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post #48 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-05-2019, 04:54 PM
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@Ursula just have fun with it. I made dating a game and didn't take anyone or anything that was said to me seriously, at least not within the first handful of dates.

Here's a story that may make you laugh. When I had my OLD profile up, it specifically said "looking for serious, committed, and monogamous relationship". The first guy I met and dated for more than a couple of dates knew this (I made it pretty damn clear from the get go). Well, he started pushing for sex on date #3 to which I reminded him about my stance. He got kind of pissy and ended the date. He messaged me later than night to tell me he wasn't interested in a serious relationship but would be open to a FWB situation. My response: "that position is currently filled but will be eliminated as soon as I can fill the boyfriend position. Let me know if you'd like me to add you to the waitlist". Never heard from him again. I laughed.
I got online yesterday and started chatting with a guy who sounded interesting. Online, he was nice, and is apparently wanting a relationship. Once we exchanged numbers though, the sexts started rolling in. I asked him what he was after: relationship or FWB, he said FWB to start, then let it grow... Lila, I used your line! <a href="https://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_devil.png" border="0" alt="" title="Devil" >:-)</a>
That's awesome! Glad you didn't back down.
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post #49 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-05-2019, 07:20 PM
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Re: And the stupid dating game continues

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Originally Posted by Deejo View Post
I'll also state that a very standard practice for me, was NOT to get caught up in weeks of texting or emailing, or phone calls. The point of the exercise is to have the date. Plan on a 40 minute date for coffee, or lunch, ice cream dates were a favorite of mine. If you have a problem with ice cream short of lactose intolerance, you just made my decision for me.



I wrote about my experience with a woman years ago, we exchanged some emails, than texting, than phone calls. We literally spoke for about 3 weeks before we met. She had my photos. She even brought up and started discussing sex.



We planned back to back dates, a Friday, after I literally had flown in from business travel, and then a day date on Saturday. Long story short, when we met Friday, and it became apparent in very short order that she liked the photos better than the actual merchandise.



We had established a rapport before actually even meeting ... which in my opinion is a bad idea, because as in my case it can set up a false narrative.



3 points of contact and ask for the date. And my advice to you is, that if you are corresponding with a guy who HASN'T asked for a date after no more than 5 points of contact, email or whatver; (mine was 3), he's probably not worth your time. I'll tell you on dating sites who doesn't mind the 'long game' at all? Married dudes.



It's worth recognizing that women want to be safe, and again, most men are going to acknowledge that. But my simple rule for being on a dating site, was to get to the date. All the phone calls and texts in the world, don't have the same weight as that first 30 seconds when you look in someone eyes, or regard their smile (or lack of one) when you are actually engaging for the first time.



I know it's easy to roll your eyes at the D-bags like that guy, but there is also something to be said for 'failing fast', the faster you can weed through chaff, the sooner you will eventually get to the wheat.
A. B. C.

Always Be Closing.

Deejo, my man, from the numbers game to the conversion ratio from contact to date, you have effectively applied the science of sales to dating.

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post #50 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-05-2019, 09:46 PM
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Re: And the stupid dating game continues

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Originally Posted by Deejo View Post
I like the boldness of @Spicy 's suggestion. Fits with the 'fail faster' approach. You know if someone is in, or not. Of course my own personal spin would also be to throw in, "And if you do agree to exclusivity, and choose to date around anyway? Well ... let's not dwell on that, have I told you about my machete collection?"
Me too. And that's what I did when I was dating. I was looking for a long term, committed relationship that would lead to marriage. I was done with boyfriends, I wanted a husband. I didn't want to waste my time dating forever.

My husband and I talked about all those things on our first date - in a general sense obviously, but it got our cards on the table, we both knew what the other was looking for, in our case those things matched and so on we went
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post #51 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-06-2019, 03:28 AM
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Re: And the stupid dating game continues

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deejo View Post
I'll also state that a very standard practice for me, was NOT to get caught up in weeks of texting or emailing, or phone calls. The point of the exercise is to have the date. Plan on a 40 minute date for coffee, or lunch, ice cream dates were a favorite of mine. If you have a problem with ice cream short of lactose intolerance, you just made my decision for me.

I wrote about my experience with a woman years ago, we exchanged some emails, than texting, than phone calls. We literally spoke for about 3 weeks before we met. She had my photos. She even brought up and started discussing sex.

We planned back to back dates, a Friday, after I literally had flown in from business travel, and then a day date on Saturday. Long story short, when we met Friday, and it became apparent in very short order that she liked the photos better than the actual merchandise.

We had established a rapport before actually even meeting ... which in my opinion is a bad idea, because as in my case it can set up a false narrative.

3 points of contact and ask for the date. And my advice to you is, that if you are corresponding with a guy who HASN'T asked for a date after no more than 5 points of contact, email or whatver; (mine was 3), he's probably not worth your time. I'll tell you on dating sites who doesn't mind the 'long game' at all? Married dudes.

It's worth recognizing that women want to be safe, and again, most men are going to acknowledge that. But my simple rule for being on a dating site, was to get to the date. All the phone calls and texts in the world, don't have the same weight as that first 30 seconds when you look in someone eyes, or regard their smile (or lack of one) when you are actually engaging for the first time.

I know it's easy to roll your eyes at the D-bags like that guy, but there is also something to be said for 'failing fast', the faster you can weed through chaff, the sooner you will eventually get to the wheat.
I agree. I also had a experience where I developed an online relationship/ text and phone relationship for about a month with one woman. By photos she was gorgeous, her personality matched mine. Work and child custody roadblocks made meeting an impossibility though for about 30 days. Big day finally comes and man I have to admit I was already into this woman. But after 5 minutes of face to face I knew were werenít a match. Just no chemistry, speaking felt ackward. I was disappointed but learned a lesson. With rare exception after that I had a one week rule to meet quick just to see what the connection was like. That rule ever failed me. Online dating is great to meet people but itís the introduction. Get on a real date fast as possible
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post #52 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-08-2019, 10:37 AM
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Re: And the stupid dating game continues

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I agree. I also had a experience where I developed an online relationship/ text and phone relationship for about a month with one woman. By photos she was gorgeous, her personality matched mine. Work and child custody roadblocks made meeting an impossibility though for about 30 days. Big day finally comes and man I have to admit I was already into this woman. But after 5 minutes of face to face I knew were werenít a match. Just no chemistry, speaking felt ackward. I was disappointed but learned a lesson. With rare exception after that I had a one week rule to meet quick just to see what the connection was like. That rule ever failed me. Online dating is great to meet people but itís the introduction. Get on a real date fast as possible
Yep, I had the same kind of experience. You never know until you are actually face to face. It sucks when you think you have connected and then ZERO click in person. The quicker you meet up, the quicker you can say PASS and the less time you waste.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #53 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-09-2019, 09:18 AM
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Re: And the stupid dating game continues

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He said that we’d need to see if we have chemistry in-person or not; texting doesn’t count, then proceeded to try to convince me to still get together this weekend.
"I'm not available anymore this weekend but I think your hand is probably free."

Last edited by Mr.Married; 04-09-2019 at 09:22 AM.
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