Problems because of the dog. Am I being unreasonable? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-17-2019, 08:09 AM Thread Starter
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Update page 7.

A warning. This will be very long.

I’m writing here because I don’t have anyone to talk to about this for advice and insight. Also I just need to vent to someone for the sake of my sanity.
I’d appreciate your opinions and advice. If you think I’m being unreasonable, please do let me know.

So my husband has a staffy mix dog, big in size, untrained, aggressive and very spoiled. This dog used to be his nephew’s given to him as a gift. The nephew didn’t want her so he put her up for adoption. When his mom and my husband found out they were close to euthanizing the dog in the shelter, they decided to take the dog. But because my husband’s sister (who is about 20 years older than us) was (and still is) living in a government housing and couldn’t keep pets or move (or she’ll lose the government housing) she kept the dog with my husband, so she’d keep coming over to husband’s house to feed, walk and take care of the dog. This is technically my sister in law’s dog. She always refers to her as “my dog, my baby” etc but because she can’t keep a dog at her place, has always kept her with my husband.

Now before we got married, I told my husband that I don’t want pets inside the house. He agreed and after we got married, and rented a new house, he built a large insulated house for the dog, size of a medium sized room outside in the backyard. My sister in law of course wanted the dog to stay in our house, but in the end she agreed.

This dog is aggressive. She has bit my husband’s old roommate before even though she was friendly and accustomed to him. So I would never trust her around my baby therefore there is no chance I’ll let her stay inside.

This dog barks over every little thing outside. If the neighbors come out to their yard, she starts barking, charging at the fence and growling. Wakes up my baby that I try so hard to put to sleep because he’s a terrible sleeper.

I’ve mentioned several times to my husband to get a trainer to train the dog, but it falls on deaf ears.

Also, this dog is on a raw meat diet and is a picky eater. If you don’t cut up the meat in little bits, she won’t eat it. Sister in law has alway hand fed her, so she’s very spoiled. I have to feed her sometimes and it’s so annoying to sit there and basically have to bribe the dog to eat, like a baby. I bought normal dog food once, because it’s easier than playing with raw meat (which takes up space in my freezer, more on that later), but SIL didn’t even entertain the idea, said those foods are unhealthy so the raw meat diet continued.

Now here is the problem. Sister in law comes over almost every day to see the dog. Comes over unannounced. When the dog hears her at the door, goes crazy barking waking up my baby. She keeps the meat in my freezer and fridge. I used to have to clean up pools of blood in the fridge because she’d carelessly put bags of meat in there. And 75% of my freezer was at some point all meat for the dog. I Needed space for the purées I was going to make and freeze for my baby, and there was absolutely no space. I asked her to just keep the door compartment of the freezer for the dog, and if she could take the rest of the meat. She said ok, but days went by without her doing anything. In the end after my husband and I got into an argument about it, he threw all the meat out.

This woman is so careless. She has bent two of my good knives while cutting frozen meat. She bangs the meat on my tiles to break them up, seriously who does that?
Goes through my fridge sometimes for things she can feed the dog, any left over rice or cheese and whatnot. Leaves bloody handprints on my fridge and freezer door. Uses my olive oil to wipe all over the dog as a massage because “it’s healthy”. Then let’s the dog lick the oil off her hands. Then without washing her hands, goes and grabs things in my kitchen. Especially because the dog is on a raw meat diet, I think that’s unsanitary. Doesn’t disinfect after using my kitchen things after cutting up meat. Husband always tell her to wash her hands before playing with the baby, but I noticed she only rinses her hands quickly with water, doesn’t use soap.

Another problem is that when we were renting this house, my husband didn’t think about the backyard not having door to the outside. I didn’t get to see the house before he signed the lease, and it was too late. So the dog has to come into our house to get outside. I don’t like the dog having to walk where my baby crawls, but there’s nothing else we can do so I deal with that. However, SIL takes the dog to swim in the pond. Comes back and there’s muddy dog prints on my tiles. I know she sees them, but doesn’t wipe them clean. I’m the one that has to clean the floors again. Then the next day, there’s the dog prints again. I told her to wipe the dog’s feet before coming in, and now she does, but still she’s not careful about making sure there’s no dirt because she’s careless. And the fact my baby is crawling on that is disgusting.

I’m so sick and tired of this all. Now in our culture, it’s rude and frowned upon to tell your elders what to do. But I am the one dealing with this, and I’m getting really resentful towards my husband for making me deal with this. We keep having arguments because of this.
He does sometimes tell her to make sure she washes her hands, but clearly this woman is so careless and irresponsible she just doesn’t care. And it’s unfair I’m the one stuck having to deal with it.

Usually what happens is I’ll talk to my husband about the bloody hand print or something his sister ruined, or dirtied. Then he tells me you’re right, he’ll talk to his sister about it, but the next couple of days my husband acts quiet towards me, making me feel like I’m just nagging or did something bad.
So I have not been bothering telling him anything, even though he tells me to tell him when something bothers me.
Yesterday, he noticed I was quiet and short after his sister left. Then I let it all out how I feel disgusting in the house, how I’m tired of disinfecting and cleaning after his sister, how she’s careless, how I don’t have time to be cleaning after her when I have a baby to look after have a thousand things in the house I have to get done. He said I’m right, that he’ll talk to her today, but he’s been quiet with me again, making me feel guilty for saying something.

What’s the solution to this? I’m ready to go against our culture and just tell this woman directly that i feel gross because she’s not being clean. This will of course cause drama and like I said, in our culture I’ll be crossing a boundary. But I’m absolutely sick of it all.

This is causing a big strain on me. All day I feel it ruins my mood and I am starting to resent my husband for not stepping up. Please any advice.


Last edited by Annizka; 09-05-2019 at 07:57 PM. Reason: Adding update page number in the original text so itÂ’s easier for people to find
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post #2 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-17-2019, 09:56 AM
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Re: Problems because of the dog. Am I being unreasonable?

What a crazy predicament.. I was in the same. You husband clearly doesnt feel the same way, so you need to kill the messenger (not literally)

I know its hard dealing with 'in-laws' but you need to talk to your sister up front. In fact... You need to sit down and really think of the root problem. If you complain about the blood she will clean that up... but if your true problem is the dog being there itself then THAT is what you need to discuss. Don't bring up little things b/c they will sidetrack you.

You are the mother of children... You get to tell everyone (get them together) that the dog has to go. You dont care how, but it needs to be gone within 2-3 weeks. If they don't do anything, then you will get it picked up by the shelter. Period. They will try to talk you off the ledge by asking 'why' and trying to disassemble all your complaints "Ill clean up the meat, ill get him trained" - None of that **** matters... You want him GONE.. "Why? There are too many reasons to list. Mostly, i dont want that dog near my children... period"

Keep repeating yourself.

You might find some great help in a book called "When I say No I feel Guilty" -> It really helps you in these types of situations where people will manipulate you out of your wants/needs.


F*CK culture. You dont bring an untrained dog around my kids, that barks, and spread germs all through the house... not even mentioning the raw meat and blood and damaged knives.
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post #3 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-17-2019, 10:22 AM
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Re: Problems because of the dog. Am I being unreasonable?

Sounds like the REAL issue is the sister. She is completely inconsiderate and selfish. She shouldnt have a dog she cannot keep at her own home. You and your husband get no enjoyment out of the dog, and I for one hate it when dogs are kept outside, I think its cruel. The dog deserves a real home, and you deserve peace in yours.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #4 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-17-2019, 11:05 AM
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Re: Problems because of the dog. Am I being unreasonable?

How consistent is your SIL's behavior with your culture?
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post #5 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-17-2019, 12:25 PM
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Re: Problems because of the dog. Am I being unreasonable?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Annizka View Post



This dog is aggressive. She has bit my husband’s old roommate before even though she was friendly and accustomed to him. So I would never trust her around my baby therefore there is no chance I’ll let her stay inside.
This is enough to find a new home for the dog. You are now living under the rule of a dog. Your decisions now revolve around a dog. A dog you did not any parts of. Your H needs to advise his sister the dog needs to find a home elsewhere.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
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post #6 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-17-2019, 12:36 PM
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Re: Problems because of the dog. Am I being unreasonable?

The dog is aggressive because it's the boss.

People who feed raw food have had issues with ecoli. I know trainers who have made a mistake on sanitation and raw meat and ended up with hospital stays from listeria.

Since the risk is greater to an infant ask your husband how guilty he would feel if her lack of cleanliness put your baby in the hospital for ecoli or one of the other food borne illnesses?

Maybe show him these.
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/...ers-new-study/

https://www.fda.gov/animal-veterinar...u-and-your-pet

Personally No One is going to house their dog in our home.


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post #7 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-17-2019, 01:08 PM
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Re: Problems because of the dog. Am I being unreasonable?

Just because your SIL is 20 years older than her brother doesn't mean she is accorded the same respect as an elder. She certainly doesn't accord you, your home or your baby any respect.

The health of your baby is at risk. Either the SIL & her dog goes or your husband and the dog goes. Ask him to take his pick.

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post #8 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-17-2019, 01:17 PM
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Re: Problems because of the dog. Am I being unreasonable?

I would never have a violent or uncontrolled dog on my property.... let alone with a baby or small children.

This seems pretty clear cut to me.
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post #9 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-17-2019, 02:07 PM
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Re: Problems because of the dog. Am I being unreasonable?

Why did you marry and have a child with this man if you were so unhappy about this situation?
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post #10 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-17-2019, 02:27 PM
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Re: Problems because of the dog. Am I being unreasonable?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Annizka View Post
Another problem is that when we were renting this house
Some bad advice as it is rather passive aggressive.

Contrary to popular belief, landlords can be very helpful when tenants complain and need help solving a problems related to unruly pets. If you want the dog off the property, complain to your landlord and ask him to keep it anonymous in the event he can compel your husband and sister-in-law to just have the dog removed.

Totally not your fault, probably one of the neighbors. Right?

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post #11 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-17-2019, 02:43 PM
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Re: Problems because of the dog. Am I being unreasonable?

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Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
Some bad advice as it is rather passive aggressive.

Contrary to popular belief, landlords can be very helpful when tenants complain and need help solving a problems related to unruly pets. If you want the dog off the property, complain to your landlord and ask him to keep it anonymous in the event he can compel your husband and sister-in-law to just have the dog removed.

Totally not your fault, probably one of the neighbors. Right?

Regards,
Badsanta
I'm usually no fan of deviousness, but I gotta' say I kinda' like this approach. Very clever, Bad Santa!
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post #12 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-17-2019, 02:49 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Steve2.0 View Post
What a crazy predicament.. I was in the same. You husband clearly doesnt feel the same way, so you need to kill the messenger (not literally)

I know its hard dealing with 'in-laws' but you need to talk to your sister up front. In fact... You need to sit down and really think of the root problem. If you complain about the blood she will clean that up... but if your true problem is the dog being there itself then THAT is what you need to discuss. Don't bring up little things b/c they will sidetrack you.

You are the mother of children... You get to tell everyone (get them together) that the dog has to go. You dont care how, but it needs to be gone within 2-3 weeks. If they don't do anything, then you will get it picked up by the shelter. Period. They will try to talk you off the ledge by asking 'why' and trying to disassemble all your complaints "Ill clean up the meat, ill get him trained" - None of that **** matters... You want him GONE.. "Why? There are too many reasons to list. Mostly, i dont want that dog near my children... period"

Keep repeating yourself.

You might find some great help in a book called "When I say No I feel Guilty" -> It really helps you in these types of situations where people will manipulate you out of your wants/needs.


F*CK culture. You dont bring an untrained dog around my kids, that barks, and spread germs all through the house... not even mentioning the raw meat and blood and damaged knives.
My husband, as well as SIL’s daughter and her husband have mentioned rehoming the dog to the SIL before. But she said that she loves the dog like her baby and she shut that down real quick.

Thank you for the book recommendation. I think a big part of the problem is me. I have no backbone and have a problem saying no. Although lately I will say that I am voicing my concerns more loudly. But I definitely need to read this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by zookeeper View Post
How consistent is your SIL's behavior with your culture?
Not consistent. It would be considered very boundary crossing and too much.

Quote:
Originally Posted by red oak View Post
The dog is aggressive because it's the boss.

People who feed raw food have had issues with ecoli. I know trainers who have made a mistake on sanitation and raw meat and ended up with hospital stays from listeria.

Since the risk is greater to an infant ask your husband how guilty he would feel if her lack of cleanliness put your baby in the hospital for ecoli or one of the other food borne illnesses?

Maybe show him these.
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/...ers-new-study/

https://www.fda.gov/animal-veterinar...u-and-your-pet

Personally No One is going to house their dog in our home.
Wow. Thank you so much for those links! I will be saving them and showing them to my husband.

And the fact that she used to let the dog lick the baby while she was taking the dog though our house to take it outside disgusts me. Told my husband to tell her not to do that, that’s dirty, especially the fact that the dog JUST had raw meat!! Seriously that woman has zero common sense. I feel like I have to keep supervising her and my husband just doesn’t care.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
Just because your SIL is 20 years older than her brother doesn't mean she is accorded the same respect as an elder. She certainly doesn't accord you, your home or your baby any respect.

The health of your baby is at risk. Either the SIL & her dog goes or your husband and the dog goes. Ask him to take his pick.
I think honestly if this doesn’t get solved, he will have to make that decision soon.
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post #13 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-17-2019, 02:57 PM
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Re: Problems because of the dog. Am I being unreasonable?

While I can appreciate your being sensitive to their culture, your whole family's health is being put at tremendous risk. Not to mention the myriad of interruptions by SIL dropping by unannounced. So so so many things wrong with this whole picture, first and foremost the dog's aggressiveness.

You need to tell your husband TODAY the dog must go TODAY. Not tomorrow, two weeks from now, or next month. TODAY. Your SIL is taking advantage of you and your husband. She sounds like an entitled, messy pig. And your husband, with all due respect, sounds like a doormat . Tell him to find his spine and get the dog gone. And don't take on the guilt trip he's giving you. Go on about your business. That's not yours to own.

I remember you posting about this issue eons ago. Am I correct? And still nothing has changed? The dog goes. Now.
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post #14 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-17-2019, 02:58 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
Why did you marry and have a child with this man if you were so unhappy about this situation?
In the beginning of the marriage, I think the sister in law was more cautious and treated me and the house with more respect. She would come maybe once a week and I didn’t have a problem with that honestly.
Slowly things started going out of control. Maybe she realized that I have no backbone? So she started taking advantage of that. Not sure.


Quote:
Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Annizka View Post
Another problem is that when we were renting this house
Some bad advice as it is rather passive aggressive.

Contrary to popular belief, landlords can be very helpful when tenants complain and need help solving a problems related to unruly pets. If you want the dog off the property, complain to your landlord and ask him to keep it anonymous in the event he can compel your husband and sister-in-law to just have the dog removed.

Totally not your fault, probably one of the neighbors. Right?

Regards,
Badsanta
Very clever!!
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post #15 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-17-2019, 03:03 PM
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Re: Problems because of the dog. Am I being unreasonable?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Annizka View Post
My husband, as well as SIL’s daughter and her husband have mentioned rehoming the dog to the SIL before. But she said that she loves the dog like her baby and she shut that down real quick.
Your conversation needs to go like this - Thats my your problem.. Its not my dog and I dont love it. The dog needs to go. SIL can figure out where. And if its not done in 2-3 weeks then it will be @ the shelter.
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