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post #1 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-06-2019, 11:51 PM Thread Starter
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Untouched

Tonight I said goodbye to the man I’ve been emotionally talking to without my husband’s knowledge. We met 7 months ago. We kissed once. And other than that, we’ve been talking on the phone and texting. We live in different states. I’ve been seeing a counselor to figure out how to help my marriage and navigate the situation.

The back story... My husband doesn’t know how to speak my love language at all. He doesn’t touch me. Hold me. The only time we touch is during sex, which he’s very good at. But the intimate part of soft hand holding, touching me, kissing me, and even acknowledging me when I get home from work is non existent. I feel invisible.

I’ve talked to him about this until I’m blue in the face. He tries to improve, but tells me it’s just not in his DNA. My counselor tells me he’s narcissistic. He’s a wonderful man. Trust me, he is. He never learned touch as a love language. His dad abandoned his family and his mother is stone cold. She doesn’t show affection.

We’re four years into our marriage and 8 years together. We had a LONG honeymoon phase where we traveled and adventured. Adventure is the foundation of our relationship. Now that we’ve bought a house and dove deep into our careers, things have started to fall apart. Nesting is proving difficult for us nomads. He constantly tells me we’re not living our best life and I don’t know what to say. I’m saddened to feel like creating a home life with me doesn’t feel like his best life.

For the first time in my life at the age of 34, I’m finally in a career I love... correction... it’s my dream job. About a year before I found my dream job, he found his. It’s amazing. We love what we do.

I am so proud of him. I was so supportive while he jumped from job to job until he found his dream job. I put my needs behind his because we knew when it came time, I would be able move forward once he found something. I stayed in a job I hated but that was stable. I took care of our home, our ailing dog until she passed, etc, etc. I did that for four years. When I found my Very demanding job, I couldn’t do as much as I had been and he’s had to take over a bit, it was fine at first. But it’s lasted a year and he is resentful.

I know he fell out of love with me. He stopped seeing me. He stopped speaking to me kindly. I just stopped existing to him. I got anxiety anytime I walked into my own home. So I dove into my career. I’m a smart, sexy, kind, loving woman. How could he stop seeing me? It’s the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced.

Fast forward to 7 months ago and on a business trip, I met someone. We engaged in flirtation for a few days, he drove me to the airport, held my hand, and kissed me goodbye. When he put his hand on the small of my back I cried. Not because of guilt, but because I realized it was the first time I’d been touched like that in 8 years! I wanted to melt.

And so I’ve been talking and texting this other man. It’s been a nice distraction. And I started to care for him. But the last two weeks, I knew I needed to end that if I wanted any hope of moving forward with my marriage. My husband and I will see a counselor together. My personal counselor told me not to tell my husband about the other person. At least not yet. It would only clear my conscious, but be extremely hurtful to him.

I’m not even sure what this post is really about. I’m mourning I guess. I’m mourning the loss of this person I felt a connection to when I’m not getting it at home. And I’m mourning that I’m back to square one. Feeling unseen. Untouched. Unloved. And unsupported. But the odd thing is... I want to be married to my husband. I want our marriage to work. That’s why I knew I had to end it. But I’m going through a breakup of sorts and can’t talk to anyone about it. It feels strange, lonely, and terrifying. I miss this other person already.

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post #2 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-07-2019, 12:35 AM
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Re: Untouched

I'm going to be blunt here. What you had was an Emotional Affair. It is good that you ended it in order to work on your marriage. I disagree with your counselor about telling him. The longer you wait, the more it will hurt him. Every day that passes is another day that he will perceive as a lie, once he finds out. You need to read the book, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. It will explain to you what happened between you and your "friend."

It is good that you are going to see a marriage counselor.

Have you spoken with your husban about how you can do some adventuring together and also have a home and careers? Can you get a less expensive home so you have money to go on adventures? How about backing off on careers so you also have the time to do fun things?

The rat race takes the joy out of many people. You have to make a living, but you can decide how much of your life you want to give up for career, money and things.

Was your husband affectionate before you got married and got into your careers?

Also, could your husband be having his own affair? His behavior sounds like he might be.
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post #3 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-07-2019, 04:30 AM
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Yes you have two levels of sadness going on.
Firstly, It's hard saying goodbye to an online friendship, especially if they have been a source of support for you as well as a distraction.
But these connections come with their own set of problems that would have eventually added to yours.

Then you have the sadness about your connection with your husband.

I can totally relate to the feeling of melting under the rare physical touch. Your whole being is crying out just to be held for a moment. Just to be loved for who you are and not just during sex. (Even if it's good sex

You said that your counsellor thought your husband was a narcissist. Do you think he has any of those traits? Or selfish maybe?

Some husbands need a wake up call to see that their wife is hurting and loves and needs them to show love in return.
Hopefully going to couples counselling will open his eyes to this.
Telling him about your online friend might also get his attention, but it also might be best to follow your counsellors advice on keeping quiet for now.
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post #4 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-07-2019, 05:37 AM
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Re: Untouched

Quote:
Originally Posted by calathea View Post
My husband doesnít know how to speak my love language at all. He doesnít touch me. Hold me. The only time we touch is during sex, which heís very good at. But the intimate part of soft hand holding, touching me, kissing me, and even acknowledging me when I get home from work is non existent. I feel invisible.

Iíve talked to him about this until Iím blue in the face. He tries to improve, but tells me itís just not in his DNA. ... He never learned touch as a love language. His dad abandoned his family and his mother is stone cold. She doesnít show affection.
That's tragic, and not his fault. But it's concerning that he thinks he can't change. Change, learning, and growth, are possible. "Talking to him about it" won't help much, especially if it sounds like a complaint. The only way is to practise, in tiny steps. Showing not telling. It's actually not that hard to learn if he's willing to try, as long as it doesn't seem like criticism.

Quote:
He constantly tells me weíre not living our best life and I donít know what to say.
He's got cold feet about settling down. There needs to be a creative conversation about "best life".

Quote:
Iím saddened to feel like creating a home life with me doesnít feel like his best life.
Resist the tempation to "feel hurt that he would say that", ie cultivating resentment.

Quote:
For the first time in my life at the age of 34, Iím finally in a career I love... correction... itís my dream job. About a year before I found my dream job, he found his. Itís amazing. We love what we do.
You know what? I am slightly nervous of this idealising thing. "best life" , and "dream job". Pedestals. And the same with people. Slightly exaggerated perceptions.

Quote:
When I found my Very demanding job...
I am wondering what very demanding means. Do you have anything left for him?

Quote:
I know he fell out of love with me. He stopped seeing me. He stopped speaking to me kindly. I just stopped existing to him. I got anxiety anytime I walked into my own home. So I dove into my career. Iím a smart, sexy, kind, loving woman. How could he stop seeing me? Itís the worst feeling Iíve ever experienced.
It's the end of the honeymoon phase. It doesn't have to mean the end of love. Not at all. But if you each withdraw, it doesn't go well. Stay in contact with each other.

Quote:
And so Iíve been talking and texting this other man. Itís been a nice distraction. And I started to care for him. But the last two weeks, I knew I needed to end that if I wanted any hope of moving forward with my marriage.
Yes. If this other man knew you were married, and indulged in this, then he's not really of good character.

Quote:
My personal counselor told me not to tell my husband about the other person. At least not yet. It would only clear my conscious, but be extremely hurtful to him.
There is something to be said for that. Is your conscience troubling you - did you do anything wrong? It might be worth telling your husband at least this much: "When he put his hand on the small of my back at the airport, it had a huge effect. I was really shaken. I am very vulnerable at the moment. I need you to do that for me."

Quote:
Iím not even sure what this post is really about. Iím mourning I guess. Iím mourning the loss of this person I felt a connection to when Iím not getting it at home.
Exactly

There are several things getting mixed together here. One is that your husband was brought up not to be a touchy person. That can change. Another is that you think he doesn't love you any more. You may or may not be right. I would be cautious of jumping to that conclusion. These two things are not the same.
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post #5 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-07-2019, 08:09 AM
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Re: Untouched

Is the OM married? Kids?
Have you told any family or friends? If so, how did they respond?
Did you discuss meeting or did either of you say: i love you?
Did you criticize your marriage or husband to the OM?

Please read Not Just Friends by dr glass. You'll better understand 'how' the affair happened - and a strategy to protect your marriage going forward.

We all think that 'we' or our 'relationship/affair' is different. Not true. It pretty much follows a similar pattern (including the justification). Your husband is responsible for 50% of your marriage issues but you are 100% responsible for your decision to engage in an inappropriate relationship (EA).

You have two big initial hurdles to fixing yourself. First accepting that you did something inappropriate (it's normal to protect ourselves from the ugly truth and blame someone or something else). Second, accepting that your husband is not in any way responsible for your choice to kiss, text and bond with another man. We all have issues like yours ranging from loneliness, feeling unappreciated or unloved, illness, stress, no sex, attraction to other people ... the list is endless. But we don't act out (but you did).

You need to dig deep to find out what was missing inside you to permit the inappropriate behavior (otherwise you will repeat).

With respect to your relationship with the OM.

The kiss and texting brought you closer to the fire of adultery than you probably ever anticipated. It all felt good and you convinced yourself that it was harmless and the your husband will never know (not get hurt). Studies show that texting triggers the same feel good chemicals in the brain as face to face contact (and because of the ease & convenience can ramp up a willingness to have sex within days).

First, don't be surprised if you desperately miss the EA. Studies show that the attention, the good feeling becomes addictive. Time will cure this but it won't be easy. It takes time and absolutely NC ...not looking at pictures or reading old texts. No you don't need one last 'talk' for closure.

Second, studies of couples that experienced infidelity teach us that the kiss is a major turning point in a 'friendship'... it's a physical & psychological boundary that once violated quickly escalates to sex.

Finally, you do not know the OM well enough to have such strong feelings toward him. Your issues allowed him to trigger your fantasy man - and it escalated from there. Some day you will look back at the OM and realize that you didn't know him.

Stop comparing the OM to your husband. It's unfair. No spouse can compete with this fantasy guy.

Let me leave you with one last thought about the OM. A good man doesn't allow himself to become a wedge in a woman's marriage. A good man doesn't invest time or engage in an inappropriate relationship with a married woman. A good man would advise you to seek professional counseling.

Last edited by Robert22205; 06-07-2019 at 08:49 AM.
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post #6 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-07-2019, 09:17 AM
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Re: Untouched

There could be many reasons why things with h went south but if you wanna blame love languages then sorry to say but your not understanding his either or he wouldn't be further away he'd be closer you see and maybe just feel like touching you more. Some women you feel like that just because of her ways and how they effect you, even if your not normally but others you just don't.
l'd also be wondering how much changed when you started your job. Women often don't see changes in themselves when they involved in whatever . Maybe your not as warm or tired all the time or different or always busy or all of the above and other changes.
Somethings turned him off and l doubt it's just a bit of housework.
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post #7 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-07-2019, 10:02 AM
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Re: Untouched

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Originally Posted by calathea View Post
The back story... My husband doesnít know how to speak my love language at all.
Have you learned to speak his love language?

If not, maybe if you did, he would be more receptive to yours.

Another thought. In general, we are creatures of habit. Perhaps if you made it a point to teach him yours (giving him a hug when you get home, snuggling next to him.... or creating ways to teach him, maybe he'd get with the program. I know it a bit unfair for you to do most the heavy lifting, but in the end it could very well be worth it.

I wish you both well.
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post #8 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-07-2019, 10:18 AM
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Re: Untouched

You're not being honest here OP. Your husband doesn't touch you, so you have an emotional fling with some guy in a different state who has no ability to touch you and that filled the hole? That doesn't add up. But it is typical to blame your spouse for your own transgressions. Eases your guilt. Justifies your actions, but only to yourself.

If my devils are to leave me, I'm afraid my angels will take flight as well.
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post #9 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-07-2019, 04:37 PM
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Re: Untouched

I don't agree with your counselor to not tell your husband. You had an emo affair with this man. You kissed this man.

Would you want to know if this was your husband texting another woman, becoming emotionally invested in her, touching and kissing her? I believe he has a right to know.
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post #10 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-07-2019, 05:21 PM
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Re: Untouched

Can I ask who's idea it was to go to couple's counseling? Because if you stepped out, and on top of that you requested and setup the MC session, I don't know if your therapist is correctly assessing which one of you is the narcissist.


If my devils are to leave me, I'm afraid my angels will take flight as well.
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post #11 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-07-2019, 09:03 PM
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Re: Untouched

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Originally Posted by calathea View Post
My personal counselor told me not to tell my husband about the other person. At least not yet. It would only clear my conscious, but be extremely hurtful to him.
I don't believe for one second that you are concealing this to protect his feelings. You're doing it to avoid facing the fallout from your betrayal.
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post #12 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-07-2019, 09:26 PM
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Re: Untouched

Donít go into mc if you are not prepared to tell your husband about your EA. You are just living a lie and mc wonít work if one is not truthful.


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post #13 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-07-2019, 10:07 PM
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Re: Untouched

One excuse is as good as another.
post #14 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-08-2019, 08:26 AM
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Re: Untouched

Your husband has already told you that he is not going to be able to give you what you need. I really donít know what else you need to know. For someone whose primary need is affection and touch, going without feels like a death sentence, like youíre starving, and you are in for a desolate life. I know this first hand. I also know that if you stay, you are going to end up cheating again, and the next one will be physical. Because your husband isnít going to change, as heís already told you.




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post #15 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-08-2019, 08:56 AM
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Re: Untouched

You said: "My husband doesnít know how to speak my love language at all. He doesnít touch me. Hold me. The only time we touch is during sex, which heís very good at. But the intimate part of soft hand holding, touching me, kissing me, and even acknowledging me when I get home from work is non existent."

Why did you stay with him for 8 years?

Among other options, you could have filed for divorce which would have been a clear wake call for him that the marriage was at risk. After all he was honest with you with respect to his inability to satisfy your demands. Instead you chose a coping mechanism (an affair) that dumps a tremendous amount of pain on your husband (a trauma he will carry for the rest of his life).
Is sounds like you wanted to punish him but still stay married (stay because it's to your advantage?).

I read your other posts. Your mother did something similar to your father - and your post talked as if her affair was a positive act or wake up call that made their marriage better.

Last edited by Robert22205; 06-08-2019 at 10:33 AM.
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