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post #16 of 34 (permalink) Old 06-12-2019, 03:27 PM
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Re: Lack of Communication

@Ursula it only takes a few seconds to reply to a text.It doesn’t matter how far away he lives.
You need to rein yourself in and as @turnera said,stop being so available.
I’ll be blunt here. If he was really interested he wouldn’t be treating you like this. I’ll be even blunter, if you were thinking straight you wouldn’t put up with this crap.


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post #17 of 34 (permalink) Old 06-12-2019, 03:39 PM
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Re: Lack of Communication

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I wouldn't. I'd maybe give him the same level of (dis)interest, see what happens. If he *****es, then bring it up; if he doesn't, you'll know that he's not that into taking this further.
Come on T, this is passive aggressive to me... no offense...

I would talk to him. In a matter of fact way, and see what he says.

Look, I have raised 3 kids, and I always had time to talk to someone that mattered.

But more importantly, do you really want to be involved with someone that you cannot talk openly too about your needs and what you want in a relationship?

I do not think it is too much to ask at all. If I am interested in a girl, then she gets my attention even when I am busy.

And it is time to have the talk, officially.
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post #18 of 34 (permalink) Old 06-12-2019, 03:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Lack of Communication

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@Ursula it only takes a few seconds to reply to a text.It doesn’t matter how far away he lives.
You need to rein yourself in and as @turnera said,stop being so available.
I’ll be blunt here. If he was really interested he wouldn’t be treating you like this. I’ll be even blunter, if you were thinking straight you wouldn’t put up with this crap.
Oh, I'm thinking straight, and have had about enough of being treated like this. He's a generally good man though, and I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt that there's something going on that's taking everything he's got. So, what I'm going to do is calm down, breathe, and step back. We've made our plans this week, but in 2 weeks, I'm not going to do my usual Sunday night routine of nailing down some time with him. He can reach out to me, and if he doesn't, then he doesn't, and he misses out on spending time with fabulous little me. In the meantime, I'm going to stop stressing out about this, and get back to living and have already made plans with a couple girlfriends for part of the long weekend (note that that is 2 weeks away, so he'll be free that weekend).
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post #19 of 34 (permalink) Old 06-12-2019, 03:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Lack of Communication

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Come on T, this is passive aggressive to me... no offense...

I would talk to him. In a matter of fact way, and see what he says.

Look, I have raised 3 kids, and I always had time to talk to someone that mattered.

But more importantly, do you really want to be involved with someone that you cannot talk openly too about your needs and what you want in a relationship?

I do not think it is too much to ask at all. If I am interested in a girl, then she gets my attention even when I am busy.

And it is time to have the talk, officially.
Yes, I agree. And, I may talk to him about this communication thing again, but for the time being, I'd like to see how things play out and to see if he takes the onus if I step back.
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post #20 of 34 (permalink) Old 06-12-2019, 03:53 PM
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Re: Lack of Communication

Just protect your feelings a bit, as you and he perhaps or not, get a little closer.

On the texts, I very often don't text people back quickly, yet it doesn't mean anything or indicate my lack of liking anybody.

I often don't check texts.

If anyone wants me quicker, they can call.

I don't always check my vm either, so unless you're my wife, I may not have received your message.

And she understands that I don't see texts right away mostly, and no worries.
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post #21 of 34 (permalink) Old 06-12-2019, 04:36 PM
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Re: Lack of Communication

@Ursula,

When EB and I were dating, we lived hundreds of miles apart. I work from home, virtually, and he commutes to his work and works in an office. Now, since I was "at home" I was moreso like you, and as things popped into my head I'd share with him via a text or email and then wait for his reply with anticipation. Yes, I liked the guy and enjoyed hearing from him! BUT he was not in the same situation I was, and I tend to be a more verbose writer and talker, and he is a quieter person and more selective with his words.

Soooo...I can identify with what you're feeling. You like the guy and recognize that he's a good person, but since he doesn't reply to your texts right away, you think he doesn't see you as someone who's "As Important" as those he does drop everything to reply to.

@Ursula--this isn't about him at all. It's about you. Partially it's about trusting him, that he really DOES like you and think of you as important. Partially it's about thinking of yourself as important. Partially it's about seeing and recognizing the ways he DOES act like you are important to him. And partially it's about being transparent with him as you struggle with the previous three.

The reason I say it's not about him is because not everyone is a texter. Not everyone is an emailer. Not everyone is a phone caller. Not everyone is a writer. Not everyone is a talker! Part of the joy of getting to know him is learning the ways in which he ACTS to show you that you are important to him...HIS WAY, not your way. So if you see him speaking to you courteously, including you on future events, asking you for your opinion, and "making the effort" to be kind and thoughtful and loving in a myriad of other ways, then his actions are telling you he cares. TRUST his actions. The people he "drops everything to text back to" might be work emergency folks or might be people whom he thinks are so *****y he has to interrupt himself just to shut them up! Thus, to him, dropping everything to text may not be an action of love (at all!).

I won't go into thinking of yourself as important. I know that you know you are. You know that you know you are. Now all you have to do is when you feel "less important" tell that voice to be quiet and it's not true. I personally say it out loud ot myself so I think it and my ears hear it too. YOU are just as important or MORE IMPORTANT than anyone he texts right back to. He may LOVE the fact that he has the freedom to respond when he is ready and you don't pressure him! Wouldn't that be ironic?

I'll dive a little into seeing and recognizing what he does do to show you that you're important to him, because often we ladies will want a, b, c to show us we're valuable, and we're so fixated on a, b, c that we don't see that he's doing j,k,l,m,n,o,p,q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x,y,z! So one part I would gently recommend is to think of his actions--what he does and how he does it--and specifically look for all the little ways his actions say "You mean something to me." Look for little stuff and big stuff. Then, recognize that it may not be the way you do it, but those actions are the way HE does it. Now, note to self: it is smart at some point to talk about love languages and all that, but it's also smart to see the way someone is expressing their love and at least receiving the love that is being offered. EXAMPLE: My beloved hubby would call me as he drove into work and as he drove home--45 glorious minutes dedicated to me each way--and yet while he's at work, he didn't call or text. And it wasn't because I was not important to him! It was because he focuses on work at work...and he expresses value by never missing a call on the drive in and the drive home. Get it?

Finally, being transparent is letting your new guy see the Real You. When EB and I began dating, I was a widow and he was newly-ish divorced and frankly, we both had some issues--we're not perfect and we used to call it "landmines" where we didn't mean to, but on the occasion we'd accidentally step on the other's emotional landmine. But I don't think we would have gotten through it if we weren't transparent with each other. Thus, I do think it would be reasonable to talk to the guy and tell him openly what you've thought and felt, but also let him know you are working on seeing what he does do to show you he cares, AND maybe make a request. I love requests, because a request means they are free to say 'yes' or 'no' but they are told what the issue is and how to make it better! My guess would be that he may have some sense that something is bothering you, but may have no idea what it is or how to fix it. Thus, a request would be like a relief. IIWY I'd make a request along the line of "I am going to only text during your daddy-daughter week if it's pretty urgent, and I would request that if I keep it to urgent, that you would acknowledge the text within 1 hour" (whatever your details). That way, he knows that YOU are working on YOU and taking personal responsibility for your own self and feelings, but you are also making a request of him that would make life a little better for you. I like making requests by very literally saying, "May I make a request? Would you be willing to ____?" because it's me speaking up for what I'd like, but also asking them if they are willing to do it.


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post #22 of 34 (permalink) Old 06-12-2019, 09:18 PM
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I hear what you’re saying affaircare but I think there are possibly some differences here. Ursula already requested the change. It didn’t last. She also admits to making a point to routinely “pinning him down” for plans on the off weeks with his child. Ow she is trying to pin him down on communicating with her more often. He is already pulling away... her words...
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post #23 of 34 (permalink) Old 06-13-2019, 08:41 AM
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Re: Lack of Communication

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I wouldn’t ask him again. I wouldn’t text him at all when he has his kid except to respond if he contacted me. I would make my own plans on the weeks he doesn’t have the child and would initiate getting together. Don’t change your schedule to suit his. Let him take the lead when it comes calling and making plans.
And if his plans should change, your should not. Don't cave in and piss off your other friends for him.
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post #24 of 34 (permalink) Old 06-13-2019, 08:48 AM
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Re: Lack of Communication

I get most of my dating advice from watching my daughter. She was incredibly secure in her ability to get a guy, so much so that she had incredibly high standards. For example, if a guy missed a date or was an hour late, she gave him one more chance. If he did it again, she'd tell him she couldn't go out with him and she moved on.
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post #25 of 34 (permalink) Old 06-13-2019, 09:06 AM
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Re: Lack of Communication

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So then maybe a good way to bring this up once more is to ask him if he's interested in continuing seeing me. I also have to wonder if there's maybe some new developments with either his divorce or the sale of the matrimonial home. His ex sounds like a real treat (I say, sarcastically). Just to give him the benefit of the doubt. But, maybe I'm hoping for a unicorn!
Dating is so hard.

Everyone has their own agenda, everyone plays their cards close to their chest.

Trust is.....mostly absent.

I suppose it should be...burn me once, I will then be extra cautious and ready to flinch/flee.
I will not reveal all my cards until I am sure.

When one says "I am sure"...
This sounds so trustingly naive', eh?

Your' problem?
Same-same. You are ruled by your heart. You fall for a guy too quickly.

Should you change?
Hell no, women with heart are a good thing. The world needs em'.

My answer?

Keep lookin', be patient, do not get intimate with any that are not deserving of that honor.
Life is so damn competitive.

In this Era, men and women can easily find companionship and bed mates.
Finding one that will last for the rest of your' remaining open-eye days? Not easy.

It takes Stellar Luck, God's Will, patience and working a good one slowly into your' corner.

Explore small cities and backwoods places, where good men have fewer choices.
Ah! With the internet, that too, may be a pipe dream.





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This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out. The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall.
The Host, Rd is ill, any years left, remain now, in doubt? Red Dog is now lost to us.
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post #26 of 34 (permalink) Old 06-13-2019, 09:15 AM
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Re: Lack of Communication

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I get most of my dating advice from watching my daughter. She was incredibly secure in her ability to get a guy, so much so that she had incredibly high standards. For example, if a guy missed a date or was an hour late, she gave him one more chance. If he did it again, she'd tell him she couldn't go out with him and she moved on.
Ah, I like this.....

Problem is....she would miss out on the very busy, absent-minded Einsteins of the world.

Some people are so rare, intrinsically-worthy and unique, excuses need to be made for their small and common errors.

This is not a denial of your words, rather a rejoinder.

She may end up dumping a diamond in the rough.

I know this...
When your daughter gets love bug bit, she will see stars from the joy derived. She will then pay a lot less attention to social gaffes.
We, ah, most of us do....this.





[THM]- The Typist I

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out. The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall.
The Host, Rd is ill, any years left, remain now, in doubt? Red Dog is now lost to us.
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post #27 of 34 (permalink) Old 06-13-2019, 09:38 AM
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Re: Lack of Communication

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I hear what you’re saying affaircare but I think there are possibly some differences here. Ursula already requested the change. It didn’t last. She also admits to making a point to routinely “pinning him down” for plans on the off weeks with his child. Ow she is trying to pin him down on communicating with her more often. He is already pulling away... her words...
Yes, the classic smothering maneuver.

He sounds like he is not ready for an exclusive relationship with @Ursula, or maybe with no one, for that matter.

This all points to going at relationships slowly. Let 'them' smother you, if that is what the end game looks like.
I think not.

Many mature folks need some space in their lives. Space to unwind, maybe to collapse.

Love can come rapidly.

Often, it arrives slowly, creeping first into your day dreams, then night dreams, then into your heart, into your bed....remaining for an eternity.

Some people are slow to love, and fast to absolve themselves of this.
They are to be avoided.

Some people are slow to love and eventually become fast with it, holding it firmly, never letting it go.
These are rational lovers, and can become passionate lovers, given time.

Some people are hot and fast lovers.
Yea, their fire burns down quickly, they are ever looking for the next campfire, the next hot ember to take, take within and quench.
Steal the heat from, quench and discard.
Avoid these with a passion, a passion, a passion....





[THM]- Lilith

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out. The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall.
The Host, Rd is ill, any years left, remain now, in doubt? Red Dog is now lost to us.
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post #28 of 34 (permalink) Old 06-13-2019, 10:37 AM
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You have plenty of good advise. I'm wondering, is he an introvert like you? I am so am speaking from a place of understanding. Even though we introverts love intimacy we also tend to be singular focused at times. As a man going thru a divorce he can be a bit distracted and stressed, then while with his daughter she becomes the focus of all the extra energy he has to spare. Later, when the day has calmed down and the daughters asleep as an introvert all he wants to do is chill and recharge. While a text or a phone call doesn't take much effort an exhausted introvert can simply not feel like putting forth the effort, because that quick phone call can turn into an hour, or that text message may start an all evening back and forth.

Yes I'm projecting some of my own experience. I wanted to toss it out there as a possibility why his attention drops off at times.
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post #29 of 34 (permalink) Old 06-13-2019, 11:18 AM
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Re: Lack of Communication

If you feel he's backing away maybe you should be less available. He may feel you're more invested at this stage than he is. Especially if his divorce isn't final yet.
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post #30 of 34 (permalink) Old 06-13-2019, 11:21 AM
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Re: Lack of Communication

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Yes, the classic smothering maneuver.

He sounds like he is not ready for an exclusive relationship with @Ursula, or maybe with no one, for that matter.

This all points to going at relationships slowly. Let 'them' smother you, if that is what the end game looks like.
I think not.

Many mature folks need some space in their lives. Space to unwind, maybe to collapse.
I think @SunCMars has a good point here...If you have already asked/made the request @Ursula, and it improved for a bit but is now back to the way it was, then in real life you have your answer--the answer is 'no' (for now). Maybe you just don't like the answer.

But here's the thing--'no' (for now) may not mean 'no' forever. It may mean something closer to "I have things I need to take care of relating to my divorce. I have things I need to take care of relating to my children. It is going to take my time and energy and it's important to do these things to the best of my ability. When they are completed, you are the kind of person I would like."

Nonetheless, if you made the request and now it's not forthcoming of his own free will, then the answer to that is not to smother. Okay...it may not be what you want right now, but the answer is to ease back and have some trust.

My own little story: EB was finishing some business from his divorce, had a big project at work, and had some trouble with one of his kids. He liked me and I could tell, but he was swamped. Yep, I felt kind of sad and left out, but I knew that was not his intent--life was just literally swamping him! So I recognized I was the more flexible one and I eased back and carried on happily with my own self and my own life...let him figure out when and how to "fit me in" and where possible, flex if he made the initial effort. If he was truly interested, he'd figure it out and we'd share life. If he wasn't, I was still carrying on and being my own true self. But I did have to remind myself to "remember who he is" and to see all the ways he DID try to fit me in. Once the divorce business was final (like getting the house ready for sale, etc.) and once the big project at work was done, and once the kiddo settled down...guess what? He had time, and man did he appreciate not being smothered.

Quote:
Love can come rapidly.

Often, it arrives slowly, creeping first into your day dreams, then night dreams, then into your heart, into your bed....remaining for an eternity.

Some people are slow to love, and fast to absolve themselves of this.
They are to be avoided.
And if you ease back a little and carrying on being your happy self, if the person is slow to love and absolves themselves of making the effort, guess what? You can let them go with loving-kindness and continue living your life.

Quote:
Some people are slow to love and eventually become fast with it, holding it firmly, never letting it go.
These are rational lovers, and can become passionate lovers, given time.
DING-DING-DING here's a winner! Nowadays, I think many people are hesitant, unsure, wanting to do better or go slowly enough so they do a better job, trying to balance all kinds of things...and they come to love slowly. I mean, there may be initial interest and attraction, but until that framework of trust and friendship is laid, deeper intimate love don't take hold. But if the framework IS laid and the deeper love DOES take hold, yowza watch out!

Quote:
Some people are hot and fast lovers.
Yea, their fire burns down quickly, they are ever looking for the next campfire, the next hot ember to take, take within and quench.
Steal the heat from, quench and discard.
Avoid these with a passion, a passion, a passion....
Yeah...this is pretty clear. These are the folks who run around looking for the thrill of the chase.


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