Sleep Schedule and Intimacy - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 54 (permalink) Old 07-11-2019, 07:28 AM Thread Starter
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Sleep Schedule and Intimacy

Ever since I can remember, my husband always liked to keep late hours and sleep in late. When we were dating, I figured this is “college husband”, and surely when he grew into “working adult husband” or “parent husband”, he would change his sleep schedule like a normal adult by going to bed at a decent time in order to wake up for work. This never happened. He has always managed to find a job that accommodates his crazy schedule. On weekends it is not unusual to find him still awake at 3-4 am playing video games, therefore sleeping the good part of Saturday. He will even keep this kind of schedule when we are visiting my family, which I find is really inconsiderate to them. It makes my parents think he just doesn’t want to see them, and I’ve told him I just think it is rude but he does it anyway and my parents don’t understand. He was even this way back when the kids were babies. I’d be awake before the sun would come up, and sometimes he had still not even gone to bed. I didn’t think this was conducive to a healthy relationship but waking up with babies wasn’t something I could just choose not to do. I felt like it was time for him to step up and change the schedule, but he wouldn’t and still hasn’t. Married 20 years now. He would tell me he’s just created this way and some people are morning people and some are night owls. It’s a scientific thing apparently? He says he can wake up anytime we have plans... that we can still have our times of intimacy and I can go to sleep after while he stays up. In theory, this may be possible but the reality is it never happens. On days he does have to wake up early, he is often grouchy, and on Sunday he struggles to stay awake during the church. Once home on Sunday, he sleeps most of the rest of the day. As far as intimacy goes, he blames me for never being in the mood. I’ve tried telling him so many times that I think his sleep schedule sets me up to fail, but it always comes back to it being solely my fault because I never show interest. By the time he’s all done with work, dinner and a trip to the gym... it is sometimes 9:00. By that time, my body is just done for the day and I truly do have 0 interest. He usually sits down on the couch and asks if I want to watch something. We usually pick something to watch on TV and if I haven’t fallen asleep in the middle of it, I’m headed up to bed by 10:00. Worth mentioning as well, I have a disability that progressively weakens my muscles... I am incredibly fatigued at the end of the day. Although I don’t hold him completely responsible for lack of intimacy, I feel like this sleep schedule problem does not help the situation at all. I certainly don’t have that loving feeling at this point. Unfortunately, we basically have a sexless marriage now and I’m truly ashamed and embarrassed that it has come to this. I want to fix it but I don’t know where to even start. His solution is that I should just please him even if I don’t feel like it. It is my duty as his wife. I’ve tried this a few times and feel like it will only make me more aversive to it and will do more harm than good. He does nothing to make me feel like he desires me, the only clue I get is when he makes a jab at how long it’s been. I feel like I have so many resentments built up that the thought of having sex with him is just ... repulsive honestly.

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post #2 of 54 (permalink) Old 07-11-2019, 09:19 AM
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Re: Sleep Schedule and Intimacy

Wow you are way nicer than me because I wouldnít be ok with a husband that does this. He just sounds lazy to me. Does he do any work around the house? It sounds like his free time is spent watching tv and playing video games and sleeping.
He should be spending quality time with you. Going on dates still. I donít blame you for not being in the mood for sex.
However, my only suggestion for you is whenever you are in the mood for sex, go initiate no matter what time of day it is. If he refuses you, so be it. If he wants you to put forth more effort I think you should, but not around HIS schedule. And I think once you start having sex you will realize how much you actually miss it and like it.
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post #3 of 54 (permalink) Old 07-11-2019, 09:27 AM
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Re: Sleep Schedule and Intimacy

You are enabling him. Your H is a boy in a man's body who has not grown up. Yes some people are night and morning persons etc but for example I am not a morning person but have to be up at the crack of dawn for the commute to my job. I don't like it but I do it, I would much prefer to go into work much later but unfortunately the working world doesn't suit me, I must suit them.
Same with your H, if he wants to have any semblance of normality in your life and marriage then he needs to act accordingly. I don't think it is your fault for wanting to rest and live according to normal hours. (BTW I have a similar problem, I cannot function with limited sleep, so if my H wants to be late I go sleep in another room). He is being entirely selfish, so there is little point in bending over backwards to please him and you should tell him so.
I also agree with @Girl_power above, you initiate on YOUR schedule, why should it only be his?
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post #4 of 54 (permalink) Old 07-11-2019, 09:45 AM
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Re: Sleep Schedule and Intimacy

Itís hard to give people advice when for example I wouldnít tolerate this behavior and would have nipped it in the butt early or I wouldnít be with someone like this.
Adults have to do things they donít want to do. And sometimes people get into enabling relationships where they are allowed to not do what they donít want to do. Itís bull crap. We all have 24 hrs in a day... we have to work and sleep, then we have to divide our other time with things we need to do, and our priorities. Itís clear where his priorities are because he spends so much time watching tv/video games.
What do I do with my remaining time? I clean and do chores, workout, spend time with the people that are important to me... friends/family/significant any other, and I have ďmeĒ time.
OP it sounds like he is just lazy and selfish. Please tell me he has other amazing qualities your leaving out.
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post #5 of 54 (permalink) Old 07-11-2019, 09:47 AM Thread Starter
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That’s part of the problem and I guess my part in why this has continued for so long. I have no desire for sex at all. NEVER in the mood. This issue is one of three pretty big issues that never get resolved. He does work hard at his job and I wouldn’t say he’s lazy, but not much around the house. He doesn’t ever help me with dinner cleanup or household chores unless you count hiring cleaning ladies. We have been making it work by not dealing with things but today is the first counseling appointment for myself. I hope he will join me for later sessions, but I’m tired of the current state of things. Just trying to get a bit of feedback from random strangers before I go 😉 This sleep thing isn’t normal right? I am not a terrible wife for feeling this way and not initiating times to be intimate? We also have 3 kids that are always around and two of them like to keep the same schedule as their Dad. He makes me out to be the bad guy when I insist on bedtimes in the summer.
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post #6 of 54 (permalink) Old 07-11-2019, 10:40 AM
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Re: Sleep Schedule and Intimacy

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Originally Posted by enealey View Post
That’s part of the problem and I guess my part in why this has continued for so long. I have no desire for sex at all. NEVER in the mood.
Well, exactly WHEN are you supposed to be having sex with Peter Pan? At 4 am when his irresponsible, ignorant ass finally turns off his childish little video game console and goes to his big boy bed?

Maybe you can plan it for noon when Mr. Wonderful finally wakes up because apparently, he's exempt from having to act like a grownup because his mommy wife does 100% of EVERYTHING while he's sleeping til noon every day like a 15 year old teenage kid.

I'm going to be honest. I would have never had a kid with this childish fool because anyone who can't grow the hell up after he marries and takes on adult responsibilities indicates to ME that I'm going to be doing everything alone because his privileged ass is apparently above lowering himself to do housework, cooking, laundry, and child-raising. All he really was was a sperm donor and I'd have to seriously question that gene pool based on how he acts.

You've basically been his mommy for 20 years and you've completely lost all respect for him (how could you NOT?). I'll give you credit - I would have left him YEARS ago because I don't need to be raising a man-child stuck at the emotional and mental maturity level of a 15 year old boy. At least your normal kids are growing up and MATURING as you raise them, but Peter Pan? You've got yourself a little boy who'll NEVER grow up. Gosh, I don't know how you manage not to be ripping this guy's clothes off every minute of the day because apparently, this fool thinks you should be ALL about wanting to have sex with him.

He's truly clueless and dumb as a box of rocks.

Quote:
I want to fix it but I don’t know where to even start.
That's easily remedied. Just call your lawyer and tell him you'll be there first thing in the morning to get the paperwork going because you need to dump 200 pounds of worthless man-flesh from around your NECK.

Quote:
His solution is that I should just please him even if I don’t feel like it. It is my duty as his wife.
I actually laughed when I read this. Does this fool listen to himself when he talks? Did Gamer Dan have his really cool gaming headset on when he imparted these magical words of wisdom to you?

I just have one question for you. Why are you IGNORING the fact that you have no respect for him at all? Why can't you face the truth of how you really feel and stop trying to pander to him? Are you financially dependent on him or something and need to stay with him? Is that why you're trying so hard to overlook the obvious????

All I can say is I hope your counselor OPENS YOUR EYES to accepting how you really feel. I don't understand why you're trying so hard to do what's no longer natural to you. Good luck to you.

Once you start seeing your worth, you'll find it harder to stay around people who don't.

Last edited by She'sStillGotIt; 07-11-2019 at 10:57 AM.
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post #7 of 54 (permalink) Old 07-11-2019, 10:43 AM
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Re: Sleep Schedule and Intimacy

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Originally Posted by enealey View Post
Thatís part of the problem and I guess my part in why this has continued for so long. I have no desire for sex at all. NEVER in the mood. This issue is one of three pretty big issues that never get resolved. He does work hard at his job and I wouldnít say heís lazy, but not much around the house. He doesnít ever help me with dinner cleanup or household chores unless you count hiring cleaning ladies. We have been making it work by not dealing with things but today is the first counseling appointment for myself. I hope he will join me for later sessions, but Iím tired of the current state of things. Just trying to get a bit of feedback from random strangers before I go 😉 This sleep thing isnít normal right? I am not a terrible wife for feeling this way and not initiating times to be intimate? We also have 3 kids that are always around and two of them like to keep the same schedule as their Dad. He makes me out to be the bad guy when I insist on bedtimes in the summer.
Hopefully counseling helps, even if it's just you. It doesn't sound like this is un-fixable...yet.
I began staying up really late when my wife essentially quit having sex. She goes to bed very early, my natural bedtime is later but not as late as I was staying up...for about a year I was operating on around 4 hours sleep a night. That kills a lot of motivation and patience, at least in me. So I was reacting instead of acting...she did this, I did that and on and on in a death spiral of sorts.

Games are an addiction, surfing is an addiction, etc., a way of filling his unhappy time with mindless (ok, maybe challenging with some video games) in/activities. You're not going to be able to make him stop but you can provide enticement away from them. Those enticements can be both negative and/or positive. You cook and clean up and do wash? Let him know that he has a part to share in those. If he helps out then reward him, in whatever proportional way you know of to what he does. If he doesn't help out then simply stop doing your portion of work he enjoys the fruit of (i.e., dinner, laundry). Don't get angry but do explain why. It's easier for guys to understand when you tell us why...and you can tell him the mechanical part of why as well as the emotional part of why, but don't do it in an angry or cold way. Also, when he comes back with what it is that YOU are already not doing for him surprise him. Instead of giving in to the anger listen (you're being the adult here). Listening doesn't mean that you agree, it's kind of like when you sign the speeding ticket; you're not admitting anything maybe you're innocent. I think women are better at listening in the sense that they are able to better read between the lines than men are. Don't respond immediately, think about what he said then in a little while present him with a proposition that approaches his complaint in a mutual way or ask him some questions that either give you more information or that make him think deeper about whatever it is that he brought up...not accusatory question or a snarky response. Men don't mind talking but usually want to talk toward a solution.

From what you have posted I think he is more the problem than you, but that just means you are likely the one to have to push for a solution. You will have to do so probably more than once and probably pretty bluntly stating what the issue(s) are and where you would like to be. Best if done focused on one issue at a time. If he gets mad don't get angry back and don't try to calm him out of fear or as if you're his mother stand up to him as an equal (a rational, coherent equal). I often read or hear women feeling intimidated when their husband gets angry and it makes no sense to me. If your husband is abusive and has a history of it, then it does make sense...but do wives really think that their husband will just snap and go physical on them in an argument? Honestly, the majority of men are not even thinking of beating up their wife any more than they are of beating their children or a coworker. Most men are very cowed by their wife just as they were by their mother as a child...see the connection? Mom=power, child=no power...so treating him like a child will allow him to continue in a passive, powerless mode. Treat him and yourself like the adults you are. This isn't dating, things are broken but you can't just drop and walk away so you have deep incentives on both sides to fix things.
It's really a very workable situation when you look at it that way, it will just take time and perhaps some shocks to the system for both parties to see it that way.

*Disclaimer - These are personal opinions. I found out in January 2019 that my wife was having an affair. Implementing these thoughts are harder once an affair has happened. Prior to affair there were many, many warnings. Most of those warnings were either ignored or pushed under by both sides. Both sides felt powerless to make change and helpless to reverse things. Giving in to those perceptions did not mitigate the problems. Failure to act does not justify an affair. Problems continued to fill the void left by inability/unwillingness to confront the void.
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post #8 of 54 (permalink) Old 07-11-2019, 11:37 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by enealey View Post
That’s part of the problem and I guess my part in why this has continued for so long. I have no desire for sex at all. NEVER in the mood.
Well, exactly WHEN are you supposed to be having sex with Peter Pan? At 4 am when his irresponsible, ignorant ass finally turns off his childish little video game console and goes to his big boy bed?

Maybe you can plan it for noon when Mr. Wonderful finally wakes up because apparently, he's exempt from having to act like a grownup because his mommy wife does 100% of EVERYTHING while he's sleeping til noon every day like a 15 year old teenage kid.

I'm going to be honest. I would have never had a kid with this childish fool because anyone who can't grow the hell up after he marries and takes on adult responsibilities indicates to ME that I'm going to be doing everything alone because his privileged ass is apparently above lowering himself to do housework, cooking, laundry, and child-raising. All he really was was a sperm donor and I'd have to seriously question that gene pool based on how he acts.

You've basically been his mommy for 20 years and you've completely lost all respect for him (how could you NOT?). I'll give you credit - I would have left him YEARS ago because I don't need to be raising a man-child stuck at the emotional and mental maturity level of a 15 year old boy. At least your normal kids are growing up and MATURING as you raise them, but Peter Pan? You've got yourself a little boy who'll NEVER grow up. Gosh, I don't know how you manage not to be ripping this guy's clothes off every minute of the day because apparently, this fool thinks you should be ALL about wanting to have sex with him. <a href="https://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/rofl.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Rofl" >:-)</a>

He's truly clueless and dumb as a box of rocks.

Quote:
I want to fix it but I don’t know where to even start.
That's easily remedied. Just call your lawyer and tell him you'll be there first thing in the morning to get the paperwork going because you need to dump 200 pounds of worthless man-flesh from around your NECK.

Quote:
His solution is that I should just please him even if I don’t feel like it. It is my duty as his wife.
I actually laughed when I read this. Does this fool listen to himself when he talks? Did Gamer Dan have his really cool gaming headset on when he imparted these magical words of wisdom to you?

I just have one question for you. Why are you IGNORING the fact that you have no respect for him at all? Why can't you face the truth of how you really feel and stop trying to pander to him? Are you financially dependent on him or something and need to stay with him? Is that why you're trying so hard to overlook the obvious????

All I can say is I hope your counselor OPENS YOUR EYES to accepting how you really feel. I don't understand why you're trying so hard to do what's no longer natural to you. Good luck to you.

I’m dying laughing at all of these words. Yes!!! I have thought these exact angry words at times. However I wouldn’t be seeking counseling if I didn’t see some redeeming qualities in my husband. He is an amazing father to our children and is the most honest loyal person I know. Unlike other relationships I’ve been in, I married him because I knew he’d be faithful. I don’t claim that he is 100 percent responsible. I think we are in a cycle we’ve been unable to break free from for too long. I’m no longer upset when he’s busy doing his own thing at night, I’ve gotten to a place where I’m perfectly content to do my own thing. I contribute and sure, I’ve enabled this to continue for far too long. The thing that has just started to eat at me now is loneliness. My oldest will be leaving for college next year and she’s been my best friend lately. I want to be happy and I feel like maybe with counseling he will see the damage this issue is causing and want to compromise.
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post #9 of 54 (permalink) Old 07-11-2019, 11:46 AM
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Re: Sleep Schedule and Intimacy

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Iím dying laughing at all of these words. Yes!!! I have thought these exact angry words at times. However I wouldnít be seeking counseling if I didnít see some redeeming qualities in my husband. He is an amazing father to our children and is the most honest loyal person I know. Unlike other relationships Iíve been in, I married him because I knew heíd be faithful. I donít claim that he is 100 percent responsible. I think we are in a cycle weíve been unable to break free from for too long. Iím no longer upset when heís busy doing his own thing at night, Iíve gotten to a place where Iím perfectly content to do my own thing. I contribute and sure, Iíve enabled this to continue for far too long. The thing that has just started to eat at me now is loneliness. My oldest will be leaving for college next year and sheís been my best friend lately. I want to be happy and I feel like maybe with counseling he will see the damage this issue is causing and want to compromise.
It is great that you find other admirable qualities. I'm just not so sure I'd say I agree with the bolded. I don't think playing video games until 3am and sleeping past noon is setting a good example for the kids, and therefore is not modeling good father behavior. Part of this is setting the example. He's not setting a good one.

More importantly, one of the most important things a man need do to be a good father is model behavior that nurtures the marriage. He is not nurturing your marriage and junior has been given the wrong example in what will be one of the most important aspects of his own life when he enters adulthood.

I'm not saying hubby is worthless or a bad person, and I'm not jumping on any kind of kick-him-to-the-curb bandwagon, but you need to look at his behavior in full context to assess it correctly. A good father does not leave the mother of his children in a state of lonliness.
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post #10 of 54 (permalink) Old 07-11-2019, 11:50 AM Thread Starter
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[QUOTE=Rocky Mountain Yeti;19920697]
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A good father does not leave the mother of his children in a state of lonliness.
I agree with you wholeheartedly and I am hoping the counselor will agree and help him see that this isn’t right. I know they aren’t really supposed to take sides but I am really hoping she will side with me on this one. Once my husband comes to a session, I know he will be REALLY a skillful at painting an entirely different picture. I am glad I get to go by myself first.

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post #11 of 54 (permalink) Old 07-11-2019, 11:53 AM
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Re: Sleep Schedule and Intimacy

If the real issue is loneliness then thatís something to talk to him about and make time together.

Have you ever initiated sex when you werenít in the mood? Because I really suggest you do it. Sex is Incredibly important in relationships.
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post #12 of 54 (permalink) Old 07-11-2019, 11:56 AM Thread Starter
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Have you ever initiated sex when you weren’t in the mood? Because I really suggest you do it. Sex is Incredibly important in relationships.
I definitely have done this and it’s an experience I don’t want to repeat. It doesn’t seem to make me want it more, it makes me all the more aversive. I know that sometimes this advice can help, but I honestly think there are so many bad habits and things at play in our marriage that it is not helpful at this time. The sleep/intimacy issue is just one of about 3 different issues that I feel are at the core of our problems.
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post #13 of 54 (permalink) Old 07-11-2019, 12:01 PM
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Re: Sleep Schedule and Intimacy

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I definitely have done this and itís an experience I donít want to repeat. It doesnít seem to make me want it more, it makes me all the more aversive. I know that sometimes this advice can help, but I honestly think there are so many bad habits and things at play in our marriage that it is not helpful at this time. The sleep/intimacy issue is just one of about 3 different issues that I feel are at the core of our problems.
Yeah, such a tactic is only useful if your partner responds in a loving way. Which is more than just being willing to **** when called upon. Given the other dynamics in your marriage as you describe it, I doubt this is a path to success for you.

Best wishes for some successful counseling!
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post #14 of 54 (permalink) Old 07-11-2019, 12:06 PM
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Re: Sleep Schedule and Intimacy

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I definitely have done this and itís an experience I donít want to repeat. It doesnít seem to make me want it more, it makes me all the more aversive. I know that sometimes this advice can help, but I honestly think there are so many bad habits and things at play in our marriage that it is not helpful at this time. The sleep/intimacy issue is just one of about 3 different issues that I feel are at the core of our problems.


I understand what your saying.

To be honest, I think itís unrealistic to expect your husband to all of a sudden change and wake up early and go to bed early. You can try, but I doubt it will change. The problem is you have been ok with it for so many years... what if he demanded you to have sex with him once a week or else divorce?
Itís not unrealistic for him to wake up at a normal hour just likes itís not unrealistic for you to sleep with your husband once a week. Problem is... this relationship has been ignoring problems win each other so each of you can continue to do/not do what you want.
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post #15 of 54 (permalink) Old 07-11-2019, 12:14 PM Thread Starter
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[QUOTE=Girl_power;19920725]
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Problem is... this relationship has been ignoring problems win each other so each of you can continue to do/not do what you want.
I like how you’ve put this. This is exactly the case. My husband is just so HARD to have a discussion with. He rarely ever admits when he’s wrong. Even the kids have commented that “Daddy is never wrong” (with sarcasm). It’s exhausting to even try, so I am definitely at fault for giving up and letting this continue for so long. I am hoping and praying the counselor has some advice where we can compromise. I really don’t expect him to do a 180 and change his sleep schedule all the time, and I sure as heck am not going to start initiating sex every night either. I’m hoping she can offer advice to make some small steps that could turn into big ones later on. God help us!!
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