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post #31 of 82 (permalink) Old 07-12-2019, 09:18 PM
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Saddest situation I've seen on TAM

Cannot say how much I feel for the OP here. This is the saddest situation I've read here. She did nothing to bring this upon herself, and best-intentions do nothing whatsoever to mitigate potential issues down the road. Such as the rekindling of whatever brought the husband to the kid's mother in the first place. And the kid that came out of that union? It seems totally reasonable to think that his biological dad, if he has an interest in the kid, is a better person for doing so. But doing so can't help but come at the expense of his wife.

So the more "honorable" the husband & kid's father is, the scarier the future possibilities for his wife. And of course some might question if the husband's "honor" towards taking care of the kid could partially be driven by a connection with the kid's mom.

I can't see a happy ending, aside from a selfless act by the kid's mom, moving to... another country? Which isn't necessarily a happy ending for the kid.

A best-case scenario could be pretty bad. The husband/father recognizes that his obligation to the kid will destroy his marriage, one way or another, and sets his wife free. Tells her that she deserves a cleaner slate than he can provide. An amicable divorce that leaves him with a future and the OP in tears, because she's a good person and wants to do the right thing but she is running out of time to start over and...

It's... just... awful.

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post #32 of 82 (permalink) Old 07-12-2019, 09:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Casual Observer View Post
Cannot say how much I feel for the OP here. This is the saddest situation I've read here. She did nothing to bring this upon herself, and best-intentions do nothing whatsoever to mitigate potential issues down the road. Such as the rekindling of whatever brought the husband to the kid's mother in the first place. And the kid that came out of that union? It seems totally reasonable to think that his biological dad, if he has an interest in the kid, is a better person for doing so. But doing so can't help but come at the expense of his wife.

So the more "honorable" the husband & kid's father is, the scarier the future possibilities for his wife. And of course some might question if the husband's "honor" towards taking care of the kid could partially be driven by a connection with the kid's mom.

I can't see a happy ending, aside from a selfless act by the kid's mom, moving to... another country? Which isn't necessarily a happy ending for the kid.

A best-case scenario could be pretty bad. The husband/father recognizes that his obligation to the kid will destroy his marriage, one way or another, and sets his wife free. Tells her that she deserves a cleaner slate than he can provide. An amicable divorce that leaves him with a future and the OP in tears, because she's a good person and wants to do the right thing but she is running out of time to start over and...

It's... just... awful.
Tons of people coparent and spend time with their kids, and that obligation doesn't have this kind of effect on a new spouse.

It's not the situation, it's how this guy is handling it.
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post #33 of 82 (permalink) Old 07-12-2019, 09:45 PM
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Re: We Discovered My Husband Has a Kid

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Tons of people coparent and spend time with their kids, and that obligation doesn't have this kind of effect on a new spouse.

It's not the situation, it's how this guy is handling it.
Tons of people have this experience? Discovering a kid you didn't know about, after the marriage? That hardly seems like a common experience to me. If the kid was known about ahead of time, the OP would have had a chance to observe her then-boyfriend's actions and get a feeling for the future. She didn't have that opportunity. Nor did the husband/father get his own feelings tested until too late.

Had he never known about the kid, do we assume that whatever it is presumed here might cause him to rekindle the past relationship would be representative of a fatal character flaw? I think there are many very good people who, when put to a severe test, might fail. Nearly all of us will never face such a test. Does it make us bad people that we might fail if we were? Or should we be thankful that we haven't been put to such a test?
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post #34 of 82 (permalink) Old 07-12-2019, 10:11 PM
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Tons of people coparent and spend time with their kids, and that obligation doesn't have this kind of effect on a new spouse.

It's not the situation, it's how this guy is handling it.
Tons of people have this experience? Discovering a kid you didn't know about, after the marriage? That hardly seems like a common experience to me. If the kid was known about ahead of time, the OP would have had a chance to observe her then-boyfriend's actions and get a feeling for the future. She didn't have that opportunity. Nor did the husband/father get his own feelings tested until too late.

Had he never known about the kid, do we assume that whatever it is presumed here might cause him to rekindle the past relationship would be representative of a fatal character flaw? I think there are many very good people who, when put to a severe test, might fail. Nearly all of us will never face such a test. Does it make us bad people that we might fail if we were? Or should we be thankful that we haven't been put to such a test?
Yes, tons of people experience co-parenting children together platonically, while being married to or in relationships with someone else.

OPs husband could do these things while having a reasonable boundary regarding the child's mother. He doesn't.

OPs husband could parent his existing child AND be excited about building a family with HIS WIFE. He isn't.

Sharing a child with a person you aren't in a relationship with isn't some great test. A million people do it. There are a ton of divorced or never married parents of children in the world. Who don't behave this way towards the other parent of the shared child, or their current spouse.

Whether he or they found out about the child before or after the marriage has no bearing on the fact that this husband has poor boundaries regarding the mother of this child, and has left his wife by the wayside.
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post #35 of 82 (permalink) Old 07-12-2019, 10:51 PM
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Re: We Discovered My Husband Has a Kid

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Tons of people coparent and spend time with their kids, and that obligation doesn't have this kind of effect on a new spouse.

It's not the situation, it's how this guy is handling it.
Actually, I'm afraid it is the situation because that is what has motivated him to handle it the way he has. Plus, if you read the books and spend time on stepparent sites, you'll see how often it is that the husbands/fathers don't handle the stepfamily situations very well, pretty much like this guy (without the ex tagging along in most cases), which is the reason there has long existed the term "Guilty Daddy Syndrome" that I mentioned. It is a perplexing and long-standing phenomenon that has been studied, termed, and defined. That term, along with "Disney Daddy Syndrome" is now in many sociology and psychology textbooks because stepfamilies are the number 1 familial situation in the country and are also the fastest-growing familial situation. The nuclear family model is rapidly disappearing, and what has emerged is this different family model that, from the start, is riddled with undesirable and unwelcomed influences and dynamics, the main one of which is the husband/father's inability to balance married life and his children from other relationships. The problem is that it's all so new and different and nothing like the natural dynamics of marriage and family people otherwise expect to navigate. So, men, who often feel marginalized in their children's lives anyway (as this guy understandably feels more than likely), additionally feel conflicted and caught between their role as father and their role as husband to a woman who is not their children's mother.

That hardly applies to all stepfamilies but does apply to a great majority of them. You have more than likely heard the term "wicked stepmother" or "stepmonster" way more often and for a good deal of your life than the number of times you've heard kind terms referring to stepmothers. So, the stepfamily often begins at a disadvantage and a lower expectation for success.
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post #36 of 82 (permalink) Old 07-12-2019, 11:17 PM
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Re: We Discovered My Husband Has a Kid

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Yes, tons of people experience co-parenting children together platonically, while being married to or in relationships with someone else.

OPs husband could do these things while having a reasonable boundary regarding the child's mother. He doesn't.

OPs husband could parent his existing child AND be excited about building a family with HIS WIFE. He isn't.

Sharing a child with a person you aren't in a relationship with isn't some great test. A million people do it. There are a ton of divorced or never married parents of children in the world. Who don't behave this way towards the other parent of the shared child, or their current spouse.

Whether he or they found out about the child before or after the marriage has no bearing on the fact that this husband has poor boundaries regarding the mother of this child, and has left his wife by the wayside.
I liked this post because you're absolutely right but I really need, per my last response, to reiterate how common it is that the husband/father exercises poor boundaries, almost never to the extent that this guy has but still to very disrespectful levels regarding their current spouse. I'm only reiterating because I don't want the OP to feel worse than she already does. Stepmothers very often feel alone and helpless, and she could easily regard your true statements as making her situation appear so much worse than any other, when the truth is most stepmoms feel exactly the way she does. Not all of their circumstances are as over the top as hers (the husband including the birth mom [BM] in his visitation time), but so many are truly severe and quite similar as hers in every other way, which, like her, also cause them grief and fear of losing their marriage.
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post #37 of 82 (permalink) Old 07-12-2019, 11:20 PM
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Re: We Discovered My Husband Has a Kid

@JMH1983333

This is not good, I think your marriage is in very serious trouble.

It sounds like your husband is falling in love with this woman and replacing you in his mind with her and the perfect little family they would have together where he could ride in a knight in shining armor and rescue all three of them, or so weak and conflict avoidant he won't stand up for his real family -- YOU, the one he chose and took vows with. OR

He sounds like a very nice, generous man, but this situation is out of control and I think you need to have a come to Jesus moment with him ASAP or you are going to lose him. Let's see, what do we have here:

1. The fact that he went to see the kid when he knew you were not available indicates he'd rather you not be along. He is not wanting you there for his very important experiences. That's because he's letting this other woman fill his need for family and being a parent and she's starting to crowd you out in his mind, no matter how much he loves you.

2. He is WAY too friendly with the mom. There is NO reason for 20 texts a day between them. And there is NO reason the bio mom can't be told:

"My wife and I have an agreement that we don't hang out with opposite sex people. We're making somewhat of an exception in your case because of my son, but in the future, please go through my wife for all future arrangements." End of subject.

3. He and the mom should NOT be texting back and forth even if you can read his phone. The THREE of you can have a group text.

4. MOST CONCERNING is the fact that he is telling his you that 1) Being a dad is his calling, but 2) Now is not a good time to start a family with YOU because of all the time, energy, money, etc. that he's investing in this "surprise" family.

5. Also just the fact that he's spending so much money on 3 people, 2 of whom are not even related to him. That money should be going toward the future for the two of you. And if this bio-mom has such a nice house, why is he spending all this money.

Bottom line, I've read a lot about relationships in the last few years, and it is VERY dangerous to let someone outside your marriage meet your needs. People tend to fall in love with those who they are around when they are having the most fun and the most meaningful times. Your husband may have the most innocent of intentions, but he WILL develop feelings for this woman because she's meeting his emotional needs for being a parent and being needed, etc. And it sounds like she's (unnecessarily?) around when he's with his son, which will strengthen the feelings.

The fact that he is resistant to slowing down the money, would see her w/out you, suddenly doesn't want kids with you "right now," etc. indicates he may already be falling in love with her.

I think you're going to have to put the hammer down and say "if you want me to remain your wife, these are the new rules..." YOU are the WIFE and you're being turned into the third wheel. I think you need to really start fighting for your marriage or it's going to slip away.
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post #38 of 82 (permalink) Old 07-12-2019, 11:28 PM
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Re: We Discovered My Husband Has a Kid

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The inlaws didn't cause this situation. Their only "crime" was wanting to have a relationship with their grandson. Neither the OP or her husband have any right to prevent that.
True, but their timing in proximity to the wedding is very odd. If they thought this would have no impact, they're pretty clueless.
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post #39 of 82 (permalink) Old 07-13-2019, 02:48 AM
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Re: We Discovered My Husband Has a Kid

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@JMH1983333

This is not good, I think your marriage is in very serious trouble.

It sounds like your husband is falling in love with this woman and replacing you in his mind with her and the perfect little family they would have together where he could ride in a knight in shining armor and rescue all three of them, or so weak and conflict avoidant he won't stand up for his real family -- YOU, the one he chose and took vows with. OR

He sounds like a very nice, generous man, but this situation is out of control and I think you need to have a come to Jesus moment with him ASAP or you are going to lose him. Let's see, what do we have here:

1. The fact that he went to see the kid when he knew you were not available indicates he'd rather you not be along. He is not wanting you there for his very important experiences. That's because he's letting this other woman fill his need for family and being a parent and she's starting to crowd you out in his mind, no matter how much he loves you.

2. He is WAY too friendly with the mom. There is NO reason for 20 texts a day between them. And there is NO reason the bio mom can't be told:

"My wife and I have an agreement that we don't hang out with opposite sex people. We're making somewhat of an exception in your case because of my son, but in the future, please go through my wife for all future arrangements." End of subject.

3. He and the mom should NOT be texting back and forth even if you can read his phone. The THREE of you can have a group text.

4. MOST CONCERNING is the fact that he is telling his you that 1) Being a dad is his calling, but 2) Now is not a good time to start a family with YOU because of all the time, energy, money, etc. that he's investing in this "surprise" family.

5. Also just the fact that he's spending so much money on 3 people, 2 of whom are not even related to him. That money should be going toward the future for the two of you. And if this bio-mom has such a nice house, why is he spending all this money.

Bottom line, I've read a lot about relationships in the last few years, and it is VERY dangerous to let someone outside your marriage meet your needs. People tend to fall in love with those who they are around when they are having the most fun and the most meaningful times. Your husband may have the most innocent of intentions, but he WILL develop feelings for this woman because she's meeting his emotional needs for being a parent and being needed, etc. And it sounds like she's (unnecessarily?) around when he's with his son, which will strengthen the feelings.

The fact that he is resistant to slowing down the money, would see her w/out you, suddenly doesn't want kids with you "right now," etc. indicates he may already be falling in love with her.

I think you're going to have to put the hammer down and say "if you want me to remain your wife, these are the new rules..." YOU are the WIFE and you're being turned into the third wheel. I think you need to really start fighting for your marriage or it's going to slip away.
The parts I put in bold stand out to me. The first one, I mean seriously, the guy must be tone deaf to have said that being a Dad is his calling but there's no need to start a family with his wife since he already has one. Said not exactly that way, but that's how it comes across.

And the second part? I'd change things to "If you want to remain my husband" because... funny, I can't put a finger on it now.
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post #40 of 82 (permalink) Old 07-13-2019, 10:32 AM
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Re: We Discovered My Husband Has a Kid

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The parts I put in bold stand out to me. The first one, I mean seriously, the guy must be tone deaf to have said that being a Dad is his calling but there's no need to start a family with his wife since he already has one. Said not exactly that way, but that's how it comes across.
Yes, totally contradictory. But it's not what he meant. It's just what he was able to compose at the time because he couldn't say what he really wanted to say, which is that he doesn't want to have to divide his attention and devotion since he's very much enjoying his son and dating his son's mother. Through the week he has a wife and those advantages/responsibilities. On the weekends, he's a free man to do as he pleases and shuts his wife out so he can get away with it. He has the greatest thing going.

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And the second part? I'd change things to "If you want to remain my husband" because... funny, I can't put a finger on it now.
It's not something the stepmother wife does, unfortunately. Just one of those perplexing enigmas as to why though. I guess they lose themselves and become more desperate than decisive. It's clear that's what has happened to the OP here.

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post #41 of 82 (permalink) Old 07-13-2019, 10:51 AM
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Re: We Discovered My Husband Has a Kid

I'm sorry but your marriage is doomed. It just is. He's getting everything he wants from his 'second family' and you won't be able to compete. You may as well just end this torture. I see NO way you can stay married here. And I've seen it all over the past 20 years.
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post #42 of 82 (permalink) Old 07-13-2019, 10:52 AM
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Re: We Discovered My Husband Has a Kid

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The parts I put in bold stand out to me. The first one, I mean seriously, the guy must be tone deaf to have said that being a Dad is his calling but there's no need to start a family with his wife since he already has one. Said not exactly that way, but that's how it comes across.

And the second part? I'd change things to "If you want to remain my husband" because... funny, I can't put a finger on it now.
Excellent point.

OP needs standards and her husband needs to understand their relationship comes first. They are supposed to be building a family together and she's been more than generous, more than reasonable.

Last edited by WorkingWife; 07-13-2019 at 10:59 AM.
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post #43 of 82 (permalink) Old 07-13-2019, 12:41 PM
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The inlaws didn't cause this situation. Their only "crime" was wanting to have a relationship with their grandson. Neither the OP or her husband have any right to prevent that.
Seriously?? Sorry sweetie, even the law disagrees with you. What they did was an Overstep of huge magnitude. Yes… it was.
What law? What are you talking about? There's nothing illegal or immoral about grandparents contacting the mother of their grandchild.
I assume she means grandparents having no legal rights (visitation, etc.) to their grandchildren. All rights belong with the mother and father. Grandparents have no right to a relationship with their grandchildren, and the parents have every right to stop it.

Starting a relationship with the groom’s baby mama (and son) one month before the wedding without notice or permission by the wedding couple is outrageous. Especially when he really wants to be a dad, the baby mama looks like the wife but has more money, etc. Unbelievable.

Last edited by CraigBesuden; 07-13-2019 at 12:48 PM.
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post #44 of 82 (permalink) Old 07-13-2019, 03:44 PM Thread Starter
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I haven’t been on here in a few days as it’s been hard. A lot of discussions and crying from the both of us. I know reading everything, it’s easy for people to judge my husband’s character and say he’s not a good man. I’ve thought the same reading other people’s issues. He has surpassed at being a wonderful man during the many years we’ve been together, even though we were late getting married. With that being said, this is the first time I’ve ever felt my relationship is at risk. I know he has good intentions. He isn’t trying to exclude me. He always asks how he can make the situation better for me. First off, he isn’t trying as hard as I would like for him to include me. Secondly, every issues I’ve brought up, mostly regarding the mom, we can’t seem to agree on a solution. He doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong. I think he’s just blind and unable to understand how it’s affecting me. All he cares about is the kid and even though he loves me very much, he’s made it clear the kid trumps me. The reason I said I didn’t want to consider divorce is because I believe in trying to work things out before resorting to that. I was looking for advice other than divorce. I’d like to exercise all options before making that decision. Plus I’m in no position to leave at this moment. We both gained weight while together, so I’m not as thin as I was and I’m getting old. Also, for reasons I won’t disclose to help with being anonymous, I used to make really good money, but now the tables have turned and my husband makes 75% of our income. I can’t afford to leave right now. I know divorce is hard and costly, so I would need to prepare myself in case it comes to that (hopefully not). And again, even if no ones wants to hear this, my husband and I love each other very much. We’ve wanted kids a long time, but I wanted to wait until we were married. We haven’t been “trying” but also haven’t not been trying. We were leaving it up to the big man above to decide hen it would happen. However, I wanted to try harder because I hoped that having a child with me would strengthen our bond. The mother would no longer have something I don’t which is obviously extremely important to my husband. Plus I had a few other reasons I wanted to wait, but those reasons don’t exist anymore. In light of the kid situation, he’s overwhelmed with the love he has for his kid and believes it is his religious duty to take care of his child AND the others if they are in need. She’s not in financial need, but begs for his help all the time with parenting the kids. I don’t know if she is intentionally trying to take my husband or if she only cares for her child to be involved with the dad, but either way I’m losing him and she’ll win by default. He constantly says WWJD. Yeah, we’re religious, so I understand his perspective and feel I’ve been more than supportive and accommodating to the situation, but it’s going too far. We haven’t fought for custody because we don’t have the money. I did ask him the other night though that if we did have the money, would he try to gain shared custody. His answer? “No, we’re in a good position with kids mom and doesn’t want to upset her.” He wants to know how his relationship from her is any different than his cousin or sister-in-law. I said the difference is he wouldn’t consider having an intimate relationship with them if I weren’t in the way. I asked if he could deny that and his answer was “if we really want to go there, you’re right. I can’t deny that. If I were alone, I’d probably try to make it work with her.” He cried and to generalize his response, if I can’t accept things the way they are, then we aren’t going to work. So I guess I’m at the point of dealing with it, getting a counselor, or just leaving. In-laws never shared that they wanted to reach out. There wasn’t a discussion. When my in-laws reached out to the mother, they said to my husband that they understood if he could never forgive them. Sure, he did eventually. It’s his blood. I’ll never be able to forgive them though for ruining my life. Makes me question what I ever did to deserve this.

Last edited by JMH1983333; 07-13-2019 at 04:08 PM.
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post #45 of 82 (permalink) Old 07-13-2019, 04:33 PM
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Re: We Discovered My Husband Has a Kid

As someone who has some experience with baby mama drama, your husband is a complete ass. You need to lay down the law right now. My oldest daughter is not by my wife. There were simple ground rules we both agreed on. Funny thing was, when I became "stable" my ex wanted to insert herself back in my life.


I get he has a kid. My ex has a total of four, that doesn't mean I have four with her. We have one child together. Your husband needs to get that through his thick skull. No, you are not wrong in how you feel. I'd be worried about your mental health if you weren't angry. Still, divorce needs to be an option. He will keep being an ass as long as he knows he can get away with having two families.

No, I am judging him from my experience. Your family comes first. If that includes his son, it is you three.
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