My husband has been wanting kids for a while now. I only waited out of fear of losing our free time and not having enough money, but my thoughts are different now. Aside from already wanting kids, I figured giving him a child would help him focus a little more on our family again without excluding his son. Not trying to sound mean, but I figured if our free time is already being taken away for his kid and half-brother, why not embrace the kid thing and focus time on a baby as well. Not to mention we're not getting any younger. Plus we can finally afford a baby if he stops paying for everyone.
I recently approached my husband to say I'm ready to try for a baby, thinking he would be super excited. Before I could get it out, he tells me he isn't ready for a kid yet since he's already got enough on his plate with the kid(s) he has with the other woman. As if I wasn't struggling enough with adjusting, this just tore my heart out. It took me a long time to finally feel ready for kids and now that I am, he tells me his other family is keeping him too busy to have a family with me......I'm afraid that if I don't give husband kids soon, I will lose him.
Baby to save the marriage never worked and your plan for baby to keep your husband and bring his attention and focus back to you and the marriage won't work either. His nose is open if you know what that term means.
My husband is too nice and is afraid that saying anything that will make her take the kids away, so he continues like no big deal.
This is called Guilty Daddy Syndrome and is very, very, VERY common among dads who don't live under the same roof as his children, especially dads who are remarried. It's very normal, and your feelings are normal too. But you stated earlier that he doesn't have any rights. This isn't a matter of the system screwing fathers as someone here submittted. It's a matter of there being no marriage between him and the mother that would have given him rights to his child. But that doesn't mean he has no rights. His rights just are not automatic in the absence of marriage, so that means he has to go and get what is rightfully due him as a father and as a support-paying father. He has to ask for his right to parenting time through the court system, and he will not be denied or screwed over.
On top of everything else that you are going through, you're going to have to also accept that it will be expensive for him to get custody. But the expense will be worth it in the end for your sake because it will liberate him from the mother's psychological hold that she has on him. He will automatically be afforded every other weekend but can get 50/50 custody if he asks for it. How much parenting time he wants is up to him. She will retain physical custody if he doesn't ask for joint physical custody (50/50). He will have no say in decision making regarding his son if he doesn't ask for joint legal custody.
Just know that while getting custody/parenting time will eliminate his fear of her preventing him from seeing his kid, he's still going to feel inclined to kiss her arse because the new fear will creep in that she will turn the child against him, so he'll continue to placate her in hopes of preventing that from happening. Keep in mind that she's not going to take kindly to him suing her for custody (taking her to court for his parenting rights). She is very much enjoying being in control and won't appreciate having to relinquish any control, so she will do her best to maintain as much control as she can, which will cause him great fear that his kid won't want to visit him and won't enjoy himself when he does. I'm awfully sorry to inform you that you're in for a life of problems, my dear, that don't always end when the child turns 18.
I'm not mad at my husband for a kid from his past. I'm not mad at the kids since it's not their fault. I'm not even mad at the mom for wanting her kid to know the father. I am upset though because I feel like my husband is starting to go through parenthood without me and worst of all, with another woman, even if neither of them have ill intentions. I suddenly feel like I went from being his #1 to last place after the kids and mother. Its like I'm watching my husband get consumed by this other family.
Lots of stepmoms feel that way - in last place, on the back burner, nothing compared to his kid(s) and their mother. It's something you will have to determine how much of this you are willing to tolerate.
The mother and I are have similar personalities, physical features, and weight. However, she has kids (one that's my husband's blood) and I don't have any. She's single and has a lot to offer, including a well paying job and a better home than ours, so I feel like she will always be on the back burner. My husband could easily leave me for her if he wants to.
It's time you start loving yourself more than you love him. If you don't, you will constantly plague yourself with these fears instead of putting your foot down like you should.
I've tried to share my feelings with my husband and he listens, but has a hard time understanding my perspective. He thinks I'm mad at him or the kid and I'm not. He says he missed out on a lot of time with the kid and just wants to do what is right. I want him to take care of the kid, but involve me more and the mother less, but he seems to enjoy involving the mother. What do u do when the mother has so much power over the situation? My husband doesn’t want to go to court, understandably, because he feels we're in the best situation possible. You would think that, but for some reason it doesn't feel that way to me.
It doesn't feel that way to you because that's not the way it is. There is nothing ideal about this situation. Your husband is dating his ex girlfriend while married to you under the guise of visitation. Is that the best situation possible? For him maybe, but I think you're wrong not to suspect anything. He is supposed to work the child into your marriage and lifestyle, but he's pushing you out.
I refuse to consider the D word. I believe in working through it, but don't know how. Am I wrong for having the feelings that I do? Is my husband being too nice and needs to scale back to a happy medium or do I need to just learn to cope? Thoughts on the baby situation? I just feel so lost and alone. Its really hard and I have no one to help me through this. Just looking for honest (but nice) feedback. Any suggestions to help me keep my marriage from falling apart? Thanks for reading all of this.
As long as you refuse to consider the D word, you will accept and tolerate all manner of disrespect. I know you don't want a divorce and hope it will never come to that, but you really should consider it may be inevitable one day while being convicted to doing all you can to prevent it. However, doing what you can to prevent divorce should not mean allowing your husband to continue disrespecting you.
There are two things you have to do. One is to stop complaining to your husband. You want to complain, and I don't blame you, but it will only serve to alienate you from him. There are many things you do now or will in the near future want to say, and they need to be said, but he won't hear them coming from you. He needs to either hear them from someone else, someone in authority that he respects, or he needs to hear them coming from you in the safety of a counselor's office.
And finding a good marriage counselor is the second thing you need to do.....pronto. But here's the thing: A marriage counselor is not a marriage counselor is not a marriage counselor. Just because someone hangs a sign doesn't make them good at it, and the biggest problem is that they all claim to work with stepfamilies, but almost none of them are good at THAT. Even many of those who are good marriage counselors are terrible counselors for couples in a stepfamily. They try to apply the same principles and methods as with other couples, but stepfamily couples are a whole different breed of a beast and require an entirely different understanding and approach. There are some stepfamily couples whose problems are mostly the usual kind of marriage-related problems, but everything you shared here with us is totally stepfamily-related. You need a marriage counselor that specializes in stepfamilies. The only way to find that out is to interview a few to see if their beliefs and their approach are acceptable to you. Stepmothers used to only be told they need to be quiet and accept everything their husband and his kids (and their mother) dish out at her. You need to interview various counselors to make sure you don't end up with someone who has those antiquated views. Sit down for an initial consultation and share your situation, and then ask how they usually handle these types of concerns, and believe me, your concerns are very, VERY common, so every counselor who claims to specialize in stepfamilies will (should) be familiar with everything you say and should already have a planned approach. Don't let them hoodwink and dazzle you with boasts of their successes. Look for concrete answers. And record their responses during the interview. Just ask them "Do you mind if I record our consultation?" If they do mind, get up and leave immediately.
You need support from the right people - people who are and have been going through your same circumstances, so there are lots of websites and forums geared to stepmoms that you can find just by googling the word "stepmoms". I know of one or two but would rather not suggest them because even though they are supportive, they are not at all helpful. Really just a bunch of complainers who don't do anything about their own bad situations but advise others what to do. Not ideal if you ask me. If you can't and don't bother to help yourself, what kind of help can you offer someone else? Except of the hypocritical kind of course. And they almost always tell newcomers to divorce their husband because he's so terrible but yet they stay with their own terrible husbands. Go figure. See if google can help you find some real support and shy away from the complaining sites or you could become addicted to them and spend years and years complaining and commiserating but making no progress. Good luck to you.