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post #31 of 49 (permalink) Old 07-13-2019, 07:01 PM
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Wow. I'm a female, and I probably couldn't keep up, or want to keep up with THAT MUCH discussion and texting. I'd probably lose my mind.

This looks like a major compatibility issue.

I personally don't foresee it improving.

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post #32 of 49 (permalink) Old 07-13-2019, 07:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: His needs, her needs, not good enough...

Anyway it may seem that I'm complaining about her but in the end she's the best I've ever found. She's smart, beautiful, loyal, caring, funny, hardworking, giving, romantic, honest, trustworthy, in other words she's complete perfection. And for the year and a half she's been with me she's treated me like a king and she has the right to demand effort.

Issue isn't about her integrity or quality, issue is all compatibility. The issue is that I'm coming out short of her subjective expectations and unable to please her. How can I dare to even ask her to be more compromising when yes, she does more of the little things. I hate the words coming out from my mind as I pour them on this thread because I know she's done alot for me and I don't want to discredit her side of things.
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post #33 of 49 (permalink) Old 07-13-2019, 07:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: His needs, her needs, not good enough...

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Originally Posted by Livvie View Post
Wow. I'm a female, and I probably couldn't keep up, or want to keep up with THAT MUCH discussion and texting. I'd probably lose my mind.

This looks like a major compatibility issue.

I personally don't foresee it improving.
On our good days we generally spend entire days with no breaks in between except for sleep or naps which isn't a bad thing for me. It's more conversational and love languages that we seem to be incompatible with from time to time... well, to the point it's fked now, like WTF?!

And she took off her promise ring I gave her on our anniversary during our fight. I know it's rather silly and sentimental, but I never took mine off. That hurt me enough to harden like fk and I was ready to burn everything we built to the ground. Hell in fact if it wasn't for her phone call after she made me drive off I would have gone home and removed everything of hers from my apartment and throw everything out along with the ring she got me. When she realised what she had done she tried to reassure me and wanted to continue to wear it but either way I'm no longer wearing mine right now either as it's fitting for our little break.

I sound so stupid... but anyway, that's but a sympton of the illness.

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post #34 of 49 (permalink) Old 07-13-2019, 07:49 PM
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Re: His needs, her needs, not good enough...

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She has her moments, like myself as well.
When together very few moments of silence. When apart, we generally text 15-30 minutes between texts.
Are you saying throughout the day when one of you is working, you're still texting at least every 30 minutes and she's wanting to have a text conversation of substance? That is a LOT of communication, IMO. I wouldn't be able to sustain that long term in a relationship, and I'm a woman who loves to talk and text. My BF doesn't like texting and I respect that and keep texting short with him. Sometimes we have something amusing/witty to say, but for the most part, texting is for exchanging information -- like when will you be home, do you need anything from the grocery store, etc.

If this is a matter of her being more sensitive now that she perceives you're not showing her the interest she needs, then maybe if you two can reset and start over. But if it's a matter of that is her base level for what she needs to feel loved in a relationship, well, that's an extremely tall order and I can understand why you feel kind of hopeless about being adequate for her.

Same with the talking when you're together. My #1 "need" in relationships is good conversation. But to almost always be talking when together, assuming you're together a lot, I'm pretty sure most people can't sustain that for long.
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post #35 of 49 (permalink) Old 07-13-2019, 08:05 PM
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Re: His needs, her needs, not good enough...

Obviously, loving someone doesn't mean a relationship will work with them. If what she needs is not compatible with what you are able to give long-term -- and compromise isn't possible -- it's better to know that now. But have you given yourself enough time to seriously think about it?
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post #36 of 49 (permalink) Old 07-13-2019, 09:49 PM
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Re: His needs, her needs, not good enough...

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Originally Posted by RandomDude View Post
She usually gave me the benefit of the doubt, now it's all excuses to her.

No they are not. I rarely even go out with my friends, but if I'm in the middle of texting them and take too long she starts to feel neglected. I try to rush but when under pressure out of fear she's going to blow up in my face seems I end up taking longer. Work is different at least, she doesn't blow up over calls or texts from work otherwise I'll be screwed.
Well, once again, it doesn't look like your girlfriend just can't tolerate you texting your friends, it's just a symptom of the bigger issue - her feeling neglected.

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We did that, I got her involved and it's become a cause of drama because she could stalk when I could talk to fellow hobbyists and use that as an example of me neglecting her when I talk to them more than her which is a recent catalyst. She's no expert and new like me, of course I'm going to ask more from the experts. So yeah, sometimes solutions blow up in our faces. Right now she's told me to quit so we've given up on that particular hobby and I've come to learn to never share an activity that involves other people either than her! If it ain't solo, don't get her involved!
More info is needed on this. Were you focusing your interactions with other people, and just expecting her to tag along behind you? Or did you make a concerted effort to involve and focus on her?

If that hobby/sport didn't work out, try another one. Like I said, it will likely take a while to find one you both enjoy, that fits the bill.

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It's not that I don't kiss her, it's just that I don't kiss her as often as she wants me to! And she wants me to initiate! Affection has always been natural for me and I can't stand it when I have to mentally tell myself to do show it a particular way and not my way. I've had this same issue with several exs maybe I'm just not fit for a relationship. Yes I've given in and tried, but it's still not enough for her, perhaps I'm not putting in enough effort for her love language I don't know.
Ok, so why not kiss her more? Why not have a make out session? Do all the snuggling, and nose brushing that you enjoy, while making out. A make out session doesn't have to consist of only kissing.

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It's difficult for me to promise and I'm just tired of this and feeling so inadequate in furfilling her needs that she's complained about repeatedly. The first time she mentioned it I already wanted to end it because I told her there's only 3 things she can do that will make me end things with her:
1) She falls out of love with me
2) She cheats on me or betrays my trust
3) She will be better off without me

When she makes me feel like number 3... bah! It led to quite some dramas in the past until I made her the promise that I would no longer try to decide on her behalf whether to stay or go. She's freed me from that promise recently.
Well that's not good. Dude, I'm telling you right now, if you value this woman, you need to wake up. She starting to distance herself from you, and if you don't do something, you're going to hurt her, and lose her.

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That's the thing though like, if I have to be guarded with my own partner and not be fully transparent then I'll just have the type of relationships I had in the past where I needed my space. This relationship has been so refreshing for me because of the transparency and the feeling that we are two parts of a whole. If I have to give that up our dynamics will shift too much in a direction I don't want it to shift and gives me even more reason to not continue.

The times where I'm texted others while she's in front of me is my fault and I've made compromises for that. Other several times I'm lost in thought and before I even formulate my thoughts into something plausible to share she accuses me of being silent, those are the worst ones and I don't think despite attempting to explain it she understands the concept of that.
Then stop doing what you're doing now, and do what you did at the beginning when everything was good. She's not a crazy psycho, which someone could mistake her for by the descriptions you've given. She's been pushed into being all clingy because you push her away. Stop pushing her away, and it will break this nasty cycle of you withdrawing, her becoming upset, so you withdraw some more, so she gets more upset, so you want to be even further away.... and on and on it goes.

Break the cycle.

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Well I wouldn't want her to give back rubs or BJs if she doesn't enjoy it. I wouldn't dare to ask such a compromise from her.

Besides it's not that I don't like kissing her I do enjoy it and when I'm in certain cuddle positions I kiss her repeatedly. I just don't want it to be expected or routine or to have a specified quota as a determinant whether she feels loved or not - which ok sure, that's not my choice to make as she's her and I'm me and that lies the problem - if it's just compatibility.
I very much doubt she has a specific number in mind. "He needs to kiss me at least 13 times each day, and he only does so 7!". You realize you sound like a withholding wife right now? "I don't mind sex, I just don't want it to be expected, or have to do it a certain number of times each week."

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Sure most of them, but I'm sure that persistent bugger probably could treat her better considering how he worships the grounds she walks on. Besides doormats need love too.

She has her moments, like myself as well.
When together very few moments of silence. When apart, we generally text 15-30 minutes between texts.

In the past I didn't text her back for hours which she didn't like. In the beginning we didn't use to have problems with it; when she doesn't text me for hours I trusted that she was ok and give her space to live her life and when she responds I'm happy and I did the same, but since emotions got involved she began to require regular affirmation which I've adapted to. I used to be able to maintain my focus on whatever I am doing but now I have mental cues in my brain to "text her, keep her updated"

Now it's not really the frequency of the content but the content itself she's not satisfied with. She wants me to start more topics and not just respond for example, but not every thought is worth sharing for me.

If it wasn't for the frequency of our stupid little fights the loop would probably just diminish itself in our bliss but now it's a serious cause of concern.
Have you talked to her about this in a non-combative way? Told her that you really want to meet her needs, but that you're not a very creative conversationalist? That you feel hampered in your ability to please her, but that you want to, and ask her for advice on what you can do that would please her?

Maybe she's not expecting anything original, or awe-inspiring in your replies. She just wants your responses to communicate interest. You've probably texted a girl in times past, that responded with one-word answers, never asked you a single question, and all that? It's a pretty strong communicator of disinterest. That, could be what she has a problem with. Not that you don't generate new theories on meta-physics to discuss together each day.

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Originally Posted by RandomDude View Post
Anyway it may seem that I'm complaining about her but in the end she's the best I've ever found. She's smart, beautiful, loyal, caring, funny, hardworking, giving, romantic, honest, trustworthy, in other words she's complete perfection. And for the year and a half she's been with me she's treated me like a king and she has the right to demand effort.

Issue isn't about her integrity or quality, issue is all compatibility. The issue is that I'm coming out short of her subjective expectations and unable to please her. How can I dare to even ask her to be more compromising when yes, she does more of the little things. I hate the words coming out from my mind as I pour them on this thread because I know she's done alot for me and I don't want to discredit her side of things.
Then rise to her expectations. You've got a good woman here man. Someone who, evidently, will stay by your side and be good to you. Stop being angry about past wrongs. Forgive them and put them behind you. Hit the reset button and start anew with her.

Cause I'm telling you, if you don't pull it together right now, and hold on to this woman, you're going to realize what a huge mistake it was once she's gone.

If you want my advice, go get her flowers, go to her apartment/house at the very next opportunity (right now, would be good), and say you're sorry. That you've been an idiot. That you want her to be happy, and that you're willing to do whatever it takes.

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post #37 of 49 (permalink) Old 07-13-2019, 09:57 PM
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Re: His needs, her needs, not good enough...

I think a lot of it boils down to the fact that she is young and immature and wants what she wants and finds compromise hard.
She hasnít had enough relationship experience to realize that the ď honeymoon ď period doesnít last forever and is Ill equipped to deal with the ups and downs of real life within a relationship.
Granted there are simple, reasonable things she is asking for but also her expectations of other things are far too much.
Seems like you have been doing a lot of what she wants and how she wants it but then she moves the goalposts , so you are confused that she has upped her expectations when everything seemed to be working out fine, and suddenly you arenít giving enough.
So you never feel that anything you do is good enough for her, and she is constantly griping at you.
It seems a bit extreme to expect a man to text or communicate that amount of time throughout the day....no wonder thereís nothing left to talk about in person...itís been exhausted already.
Itís a shame as things seemed to be going so well. After reading a lot of your other threads and posts, i was happy to read you had found someone that was worth being vulnerable for.

This is just the start...when you throw other stressors into the mix in the future, how is she going to be able to deal a with those if she canít deal with this small hurdle that has unfortunately upset the status quo for both of you.

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post #38 of 49 (permalink) Old 07-14-2019, 12:09 AM Thread Starter
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Re: His needs, her needs, not good enough...

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Originally Posted by WorkingWife View Post
Are you saying throughout the day when one of you is working, you're still texting at least every 30 minutes and she's wanting to have a text conversation of substance? That is a LOT of communication, IMO. I wouldn't be able to sustain that long term in a relationship, and I'm a woman who loves to talk and text. My BF doesn't like texting and I respect that and keep texting short with him. Sometimes we have something amusing/witty to say, but for the most part, texting is for exchanging information -- like when will you be home, do you need anything from the grocery store, etc.

If this is a matter of her being more sensitive now that she perceives you're not showing her the interest she needs, then maybe if you two can reset and start over. But if it's a matter of that is her base level for what she needs to feel loved in a relationship, well, that's an extremely tall order and I can understand why you feel kind of hopeless about being adequate for her. Same with the talking when you're together. My #1 "need" in relationships is good conversation. But to almost always be talking when together, assuming you're together a lot, I'm pretty sure most people can't sustain that for long.
Nah she doesn't expect it at work but when we are apart and not working yes she expects it. I prefer face to face too but it's not always possible and I prefer texts to phone calls where I can still do my own thing. I've made strides on that but now her issue is my short replies.

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Originally Posted by Openminded View Post
Obviously, loving someone doesn't mean a relationship will work with them. If what she needs is not compatible with what you are able to give long-term -- and compromise isn't possible -- it's better to know that now. But have you given yourself enough time to seriously think about it?
Trying to give myself time, she's messaging me hoping to talk but I'm stalling it until I'm ready to talk.

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Originally Posted by BioFury View Post
Well, once again, it doesn't look like your girlfriend just can't tolerate you texting your friends, it's just a symptom of the bigger issue - her feeling neglected. More info is needed on this. Were you focusing your interactions with other people, and just expecting her to tag along behind you? Or did you make a concerted effort to involve and focus on her?
In the recent debacle I focused on conversing with others as they have more knowledge of the hobby but I share everything I find that is interesting or amusing. The latest issue is when she shared her opinion on the subject and I replied with "I know", then after further discussing with hobbyists on group chat I said good night to them, went back to text her, saw that she didn't reply, assumed she read what I wrote on the group chat and passed out. That resparked everything from me replying with a short answer and me making more effort with others than her etc.

I regret not saying good night to her personally or trying to involve her more but her blowing up in my face after that, then proceeding to text me on a busy work day distracting me really drove me up the wall. This is far from the first time. I can see how in this instance I can't really have any excuses as I was texting the hobbyists, but I'm so done with little mistakes like that making me feel like I have to tip toe around her.

Quote:
Maybe she's not execting anything original, or awe-inspiring in your replies. She just wants your responses to communicate interest. You've probably texted a girl in times past, that responded with one-word answers, never asked you a single question, and all that? It's a pretty strong communicator of disinterest. That, could be what she has a problem with. Not that you don't generate new theories on meta-physics to discuss together each day.
It's not that I just go "Uhuh" "Yeah", nothing like that, unless I'm really pissed at her, like now. The "I know" was a mistake.

Quote:
Then stop doing what you're doing now, and do what you did at the beginning when everything was good. She's not a crazy psycho, which someone could mistake her for by the descriptions you've given. She's been pushed into being all clingy because you push her away. Stop pushing her away, and it will break this nasty cycle of you withdrawing, her becoming upset, so you withdraw some more, so she gets more upset, so you want to be even further away.... and on and on it goes. Break the cycle.
I didn't even notice the cycle until recently. We've had a confrontation about it because I was trying to sweep things under the rug in the hopes it'll go away but it sapped at my affection for her, which led to more issues.

Quote:
I very much doubt she has a specific number in mind. "He needs to kiss me at least 13 times each day, and he only does so 7!". You realize you sound like a withholding wife right now? "I don't mind sex, I just don't want it to be expected, or have to do it a certain number of times each week."
Sadly, I've always related more to the withholding wife than the sex-starved husband on this forum.

Quote:
Have you talked to her about this in a non-combative way? Told her that you really want to meet her needs, but that you're not a very creative conversationalist? That you feel hampered in your ability to please her, but that you want to, and ask her for advice on what you can do that would please her?
Yes and she believes it's excuses.

Quote:
Then rise to her expectations. You've got a good woman here man. Someone who, evidently, will stay by your side and be good to you. Stop being angry about past wrongs. Forgive them and put them behind you. Hit the reset button and start anew with her. Cause I'm telling you, if you don't pull it together right now, and hold on to this woman, you're going to realize what a huge mistake it was once she's gone. If you want my advice, go get her flowers, go to her apartment/house at the very next opportunity (right now, would be good), and say you're sorry. That you've been an idiot. That you want her to be happy, and that you're willing to do whatever it takes.
I already tried that and failed and now she wants more reassurance that I don't know if I can even give because I've tried and failed multiple times and I don't want to ask her to compromise her standards either considering what she does for me so we are at a standstill and I'm debating if we can work things out or not.

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Originally Posted by cma62 View Post
I think a lot of it boils down to the fact that she is young and immature and wants what she wants and finds compromise hard.
She hasnít had enough relationship experience to realize that the ď honeymoon ď period doesnít last forever and is Ill equipped to deal with the ups and downs of real life within a relationship.
Granted there are simple, reasonable things she is asking for but also her expectations of other things are far too much.
Seems like you have been doing a lot of what she wants and how she wants it but then she moves the goalposts , so you are confused that she has upped her expectations when everything seemed to be working out fine, and suddenly you arenít giving enough.
So you never feel that anything you do is good enough for her, and she is constantly griping at you.
It seems a bit extreme to expect a man to text or communicate that amount of time throughout the day....no wonder thereís nothing left to talk about in person...itís been exhausted already.
Itís a shame as things seemed to be going so well. After reading a lot of your other threads and posts, i was happy to read you had found someone that was worth being vulnerable for.

This is just the start...when you throw other stressors into the mix in the future, how is she going to be able to deal a with those if she canít deal with this small hurdle that has unfortunately upset the status quo for both of you.
Strangely, we work out other issues with no problems. It's always the little things with us that pile up. I don't think she moved the goalposts I think I just overestimated myself in forfilling her needs up to her standard.

We were both quite passionate during the honeymoon period and it lasted so long that it has become a standard within our relationship I guess.
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post #39 of 49 (permalink) Old 07-14-2019, 12:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: His needs, her needs, not good enough...

... and so much for fking space to find a solution she's coming to see me right now. Claims to have a solution.
Thought she would know better than to come see me in angry RD mode by now. *sigh*

Now I know it may seem easy to just get her flowers and start over but it's come to the point that if I do such I will resent her.

Last edited by RandomDude; 07-14-2019 at 12:30 AM.
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post #40 of 49 (permalink) Old 07-14-2019, 02:17 AM
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Re: His needs, her needs, not good enough...

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... and so much for fking space to find a solution she's coming to see me right now. Claims to have a solution.
Thought she would know better than to come see me in angry RD mode by now. *sigh*

Now I know it may seem easy to just get her flowers and start over but it's come to the point that if I do such I will resent her.
Yeah, it must be tough having a girlfriend who cares. Woe art thou.


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post #41 of 49 (permalink) Old 07-14-2019, 02:48 AM
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Re: His needs, her needs, not good enough...

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In the recent debacle I focused on conversing with others as they have more knowledge of the hobby but I share everything I find that is interesting or amusing. The latest issue is when she shared her opinion on the subject and I replied with "I know", then after further discussing with hobbyists on group chat I said good night to them, went back to text her, saw that she didn't reply, assumed she read what I wrote on the group chat and passed out. That resparked everything from me replying with a short answer and me making more effort with others than her etc.
"I know"? So you minimized her opinion, talked to others rather than her, then left her hanging.

I'm beginning to see why she's constantly upset with you. Is being considerate and thoughtful too much to ask?

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I regret not saying good night to her personally or trying to involve her more but her blowing up in my face after that, then proceeding to text me on a busy work day distracting me really drove me up the wall. This is far from the first time. I can see how in this instance I can't really have any excuses as I was texting the hobbyists, but I'm so done with little mistakes like that making me feel like I have to tip toe around her.
Not dismissing her opinion, and not ignoring her, are hardly "tip-toe" things. Especially if you do things like this often. Which I'm getting the impression you do.

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It's not that I just go "Uhuh" "Yeah", nothing like that, unless I'm really pissed at her, like now. The "I know" was a mistake.
It doesn't really matter whether your replies are three or four words, if they still communicate the same thing - zero investment in the conversation.

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Originally Posted by RandomDude View Post
I didn't even notice the cycle until recently. We've had a confrontation about it because I was trying to sweep things under the rug in the hopes it'll go away but it sapped at my affection for her, which led to more issues.

Sadly, I've always related more to the withholding wife than the sex-starved husband on this forum.

I already tried that and failed and now she wants more reassurance that I don't know if I can even give because I've tried and failed multiple times and I don't want to ask her to compromise her standards either considering what she does for me so we are at a standstill and I'm debating if we can work things out or not.
Well, you sound more and more like a detached, insensitive boyfriend. Your girlfriend has a lot of love to give, and it appears that you don't. I feel sorry for her.

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post #42 of 49 (permalink) Old 07-14-2019, 06:32 AM
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Re: His needs, her needs, not good enough...

Your girlfriend is too needy for you. Her wanting you to devote every spare moment to her is suffocating you. She has to find ways to keep herself entertained and let you off the leash.

This may improve as she matures or it may not.

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post #43 of 49 (permalink) Old 07-14-2019, 08:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: His needs, her needs, not good enough...

We had a talk last few hours, showed her this thread. I have to thank everyone for your opinions in this, both sides of the debate.

We've come to an understanding and will see how this goes. Right now we need to take the time to heal.
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post #44 of 49 (permalink) Old 07-14-2019, 04:46 PM
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Re: His needs, her needs, not good enough...

She reminds me of me when I was in my 20s. I was super insecure and had low self esteem... women like this need a lot to feel loved and happy. I remember many fights I would get into with my ex husband Bc I never felted loved and I always needed more effort, more affection, more more more and it was exhausting to my ex. Now I realize that he loved me the entire time and the issue was just mine. There is a difference between being loved and feeling loved and for some reason I needed a lot of feel loved and it wasnít fair.
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post #45 of 49 (permalink) Old 07-14-2019, 11:40 PM
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Re: His needs, her needs, not good enough...

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She reminds me of me when I was in my 20s. I was super insecure and had low self esteem... women like this need a lot to feel loved and happy. I remember many fights I would get into with my ex husband Bc I never felted loved and I always needed more effort, more affection, more more more and it was exhausting to my ex. Now I realize that he loved me the entire time and the issue was just mine. There is a difference between being loved and feeling loved and for some reason I needed a lot of feel loved and it wasnít fair.
I think you may have nailed it here.

@RandomDude said he felt like he was making her look bad in this thread but she's actually wonderful, and I thought -- she doesn't look bad to me. She does sound like a really wonderful person, HOWEVER, she sounds very insecure. It seems that no matter what he does to try to give her what she's asking for, she raises the bar with new, more stringent needs. That's because insecurity really can't be sated by another person.

Insecurity would explain why she treats him so good (feeling a need to prove herself worthy) but also why nothing he does scratches her itch for approval, admiration, connection, etc. She constantly needs proof of his love for her because inside she doesn't feel truly valuable, even if logically she knows she is.

Unfortunately, if we're correct, it is something she will have to overcome herself and like you said, that may just be a matter of maturing and growing up, which takes time and life experiences.

And you can't look at a woman and say -- but she's beautiful, and popular, and likable, and all these guys want her, and she's so great, she shouldn't feel insecure. It doesn't matter. For some reason, she just does.
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