It would be great if he prioritized your needs, but he is not going to, so YOU need to. Stop being a martyr and bump yourself up the list (I am great at saying this but have the same issue myself).
In this case specifically it sounds like he was suggesting that he would be willing to do the bus tour if he could also then walk the fort after, so you should have said "Great! Bus tour it is. And if their is time you and the kids can walk around the fort." Of course you would have to ignore the look of disappointment on his face and possible whining, but it would be worth it. There is a chance that once he sees how happy and relaxed you are doing things your way once in awhile, he may actually be more open to it in the future.
, I think BluesClues is spot on here. It is probably very hard for you to disappoint your husband, and feel like you're a buzz kill because of your disability. And the way he phrased that: "Well I don't want to do that but whatever you want..." mmmmm... he may be "clueless" but more likely he's being selfish and manipulative because he knows you don't want to ruin his fun. I know a lot of men who would go out of their way to plan only things their wive could do, or at least talk to their wife about how much time she wanted to be together and then how did she feel about him doing some more active things with the kids part
of the time.
I spent years being "giving" because I couldn't stand to see my my H (now ex!) disappointed, and he knew it, and he worked it. THEN ONE DAY it occurred to me - wait a minute, I've been disappointed countless times in life, and I just handle it. He can experience some disappointment, he won't dissolve or burst into flames or something.
- My suggestion: Give up on the idea of him planning for you, at least for now until you have him better trained. ;-) Think in your head -- what DO I want? What specific action would I like him to take? Get a clear, detailed vision in your mind. Women will tell men "I feel left out... I felt lonely... I feel like a burden..." but these are abstract concepts. When he says "What do you want me to do?" you need to be ready with some simple instructions he can follow if he actually cares what you want:
I want you to have you mom spend the afternoon entertaining the kids and you and I take a leisurely lunch, maybe followed by drinks, just the two of us, so we can reconnect. I want to sit on a patio with a nice view. Then I'd like to go to a movie/show/listen to live music/ride around the island -- whatever you really do want
Or, I would love to take a walk around the lake, holding hands, just the two of us, at a very slow pace
where I can enjoy being alone with you and not feel rushed.
My ex was tall and used to walk fast. I didn't have a disability, but I pretty much had to jog to keep up with him and he did not give a damn. He would NOT slow down for me. Now that we're divorced and I've pulled my head out of the sand, I see that he was being a jerk. Most spouses change their pace to accommodate the slower one.
When he says something like "I don't really want to ride, but, whatever you want..." Be prepared to say "Thank you. I'd like to ride." And if he sulks, just ignore it. He'll live. As long as you're seeing that HIS needs are also being met, if he won't do something THAT SMALL for you, what good is he as a husband?