Family vacations - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 49 (permalink) Old 07-23-2019, 04:23 PM
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Re: Family vacations

It doesn’t seem like you are an active participant in your own life.
This is your life, speak up, address things as they come, advocate for yourself.

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post #47 of 49 (permalink) Old 07-24-2019, 05:51 PM
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Re: Family vacations

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Originally Posted by Bluesclues View Post
It would be great if he prioritized your needs, but he is not going to, so YOU need to. Stop being a martyr and bump yourself up the list (I am great at saying this but have the same issue myself).

In this case specifically it sounds like he was suggesting that he would be willing to do the bus tour if he could also then walk the fort after, so you should have said "Great! Bus tour it is. And if their is time you and the kids can walk around the fort." Of course you would have to ignore the look of disappointment on his face and possible whining, but it would be worth it. There is a chance that once he sees how happy and relaxed you are doing things your way once in awhile, he may actually be more open to it in the future.
@enealey, I think BluesClues is spot on here. It is probably very hard for you to disappoint your husband, and feel like you're a buzz kill because of your disability. And the way he phrased that: "Well I don't want to do that but whatever you want..." mmmmm... he may be "clueless" but more likely he's being selfish and manipulative because he knows you don't want to ruin his fun. I know a lot of men who would go out of their way to plan only things their wive could do, or at least talk to their wife about how much time she wanted to be together and then how did she feel about him doing some more active things with the kids part of the time.

I spent years being "giving" because I couldn't stand to see my my H (now ex!) disappointed, and he knew it, and he worked it. THEN ONE DAY it occurred to me - wait a minute, I've been disappointed countless times in life, and I just handle it. He can experience some disappointment, he won't dissolve or burst into flames or something.

@enealey - My suggestion: Give up on the idea of him planning for you, at least for now until you have him better trained. ;-) Think in your head -- what DO I want? What specific action would I like him to take? Get a clear, detailed vision in your mind. Women will tell men "I feel left out... I felt lonely... I feel like a burden..." but these are abstract concepts. When he says "What do you want me to do?" you need to be ready with some simple instructions he can follow if he actually cares what you want:

I want you to have you mom spend the afternoon entertaining the kids and you and I take a leisurely lunch, maybe followed by drinks, just the two of us, so we can reconnect. I want to sit on a patio with a nice view. Then I'd like to go to a movie/show/listen to live music/ride around the island -- whatever you really do want to do.

Or, I would love to take a walk around the lake, holding hands, just the two of us, at a very slow pace where I can enjoy being alone with you and not feel rushed.

My ex was tall and used to walk fast. I didn't have a disability, but I pretty much had to jog to keep up with him and he did not give a damn. He would NOT slow down for me. Now that we're divorced and I've pulled my head out of the sand, I see that he was being a jerk. Most spouses change their pace to accommodate the slower one.

When he says something like "I don't really want to ride, but, whatever you want..." Be prepared to say "Thank you. I'd like to ride." And if he sulks, just ignore it. He'll live. As long as you're seeing that HIS needs are also being met, if he won't do something THAT SMALL for you, what good is he as a husband?
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post #48 of 49 (permalink) Old 07-24-2019, 06:14 PM Thread Starter
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@WorkingWife Great advice. I will keep this in mind going forward that I have to just stand up for myself, even though it doesn’t come naturally to me. You’re right, I absolutely hate being the buzzkill in a lot of situations, and of course I don’t expect everyone to just sit around and do slower things the whole time. About 4 years ago we went on a cabin vacation... totally my pace, in fact it was the one vacation I suggested on my own and we actually did. My mother in law had a conflict at the last minute so she didn’t come so I was super excited. Master bedroom on same level as well as a hot tub outside on the deck. I enjoyed my time... alone though. My husband spent the majority of the time playing video games. 🤣 Ah well... I can’t have my cake AND get to eat it 😐

Last edited by enealey; 07-24-2019 at 06:18 PM.
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post #49 of 49 (permalink) Old 07-24-2019, 07:07 PM
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Re: Family vacations

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Originally Posted by enealey View Post
@WorkingWife Great advice. I will keep this in mind going forward that I have to just stand up for myself, even though it doesn’t come naturally to me. You’re right, I absolutely hate being the buzzkill in a lot of situations, and of course I don’t expect everyone to just sit around and do slower things the whole time. About 4 years ago we went on a cabin vacation... totally my pace, in fact it was the one vacation I suggested on my own and we actually did. My mother in law had a conflict at the last minute so she didn’t come so I was super excited. Master bedroom on same level as well as a hot tub outside on the deck. I enjoyed my time... alone though. My husband spent the majority of the time playing video games. 🤣 Ah well... I can’t have my cake AND get to eat it 😐
Now you just need to find a cabin without electricity or internet access! ;-)

Did your husband enjoy the cabin vacation?

It sounds like he's avoidant in general. I wonder if you could tell him openly: I want to take a vacation, just us, and spend X amount of time together as a family where we are all together. Not on our devices, doing something we can ALL do and enjoy. Then come up with your own ideas ('cause he probably won't) but tell him "I'd like to spend these hours together doing these things or let me know if you have any ideas, and you can spend the rest of the time doing anything you want -- with or without the kids. If I know I'm going to get some quality time together I will feel much less sad and left out.

QUESTION: How is he when you are not on vacation? Do you two have time alone together or does he play video games and do things you can't participate in with all his free time? If you're not already you might tell him you want to establish some couple time -- maybe in the morning or evening together when it is just the two of you, no phones or games or distractions. And also time for the whole family. I think spending time together, even if forced at first, will bring him closer to you in general.

If you've never been there, check out www.marriagebuilders.com. They have a lot of really great stuff on relationships and one thing they talk about is how we love the people we associate with our happiest/fun times. Couples tend to drift apart if they aren't careful regardless, but with your disability, it's possible your husband has started associating "good times" with activities that do NOT include you. If that's true, if you can get him doing things that do include you and that he really enjoys, over time it will make him associate YOU with happiness and good times and he will not WANT to go walking around without you. It may be challenging if he's really physical, but surely there are some things you would both enjoy that you can both do.
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