Staying In A Marriage For Social Reasons - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 28 (permalink) Old 08-10-2019, 12:12 PM
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Re: Staying In A Marriage For Social Reasons

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Originally Posted by rfd1283 View Post
Many people, I believe, stay in unhappy marriage for the kids and/or for financial reasons. Accordingly, there are articles on those two reasons. But I can’t find anything on staying in an unhappy marriages for social reasons. Allow me to elaborate. I am in this situation and believe I may not be alone. Like so many, I’ve staying in an unhappy marriage for the kids and for financial reasons. Many have advised me to legally separate. I have not done that. And while I understand why I should legally separate, I have not done so because my situation has worked for me and for my kids.

Here’s my situation: · We “separated” six years ago. Our lives are indeed separate while at home, behind closed doors. We have our own bedroom and I have my man cave. This allows be to be involved with my kids daily. No need for visitation.
· Externally (outside the house/beyond closed doors), nothing has changed for us. Although our “separation” is widely known, we still do things together out of convenience. The situation is amicable.
o Our son’s are both athletes. We go to their games together. My oldest is in college so the games are far away. Taking a separate cars would be like cutting off our nose to spite our face. We save on gas, etc. Why take separate cars when we’re leaving from the same place and going to the same place?
o We’ve kept our friends. There was no side taking. While we no longer go on dinner dates, we go to the same parties (many times together).
o We go to family gathering together – holiday’s, birthday, etc. For the sake of the kids.
· Now, my youngest only has two years left in high school. We’re almost at the end of the road.
· I told my wife that it’s time to sell the house for financial reason (she agrees) and legally separate (this upset her). · Why, after no attempt to reconcile in 6 years?
· I believe she loves being married – externally, for social reasons. She doesn’t love me, but she loves keeping our friends, she loves keeping our extended family, she loves having somebody to go to games, parties with. · Is what I described accurate for some? Is it common?
Why the "separation"?

And is your wife dating others?

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post #17 of 28 (permalink) Old 08-10-2019, 12:34 PM
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I totally understand staying for social reasons, financial reasons, the kids, etc. We like to believe that marriage is about two people who love each other so much that they choose to live together forever. It’s far more complicated than that.
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post #18 of 28 (permalink) Old 08-16-2019, 06:43 AM
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OP, marriage provides all the stability of life for your wife. She is probably living in a nice house, financially stable, social and she can function in society as a couple.

She gets all the perks of being married with out having to make any effort in a marriage. Why should she want to give that up or be made to give it all up?

You have been going along with this so call arrangement for so long, that, she has accepted and thought that this is how you two will carry on after the boys leaves home. This is what she expected. Because you probably never complained, or let her know that the marriage had an date.

Now you drop this on her and she is mad because you are going to spoil her plans and mess up her life as she saw it.

I dont understand her thinking but I hope you can find some happiness in your life going forward.
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post #19 of 28 (permalink) Old 08-17-2019, 07:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Staying In A Marriage For Social Reasons

What a great site! I got great feedback. Sorry for not responding sooner. I posted my message and then went away for a week. I’ve finally caught up and will now respond. If I leave any issues out, please let me know.
1.Someone wrote “lots of information missing.” Ok. Ha. You asked for it. A lot coming up right here.
2.Reasons my marriage failed/Catalyst For Breakup/Happen slowly or was there an event?
I feel no love for her or from her
She thinks I’m miserable in the marriage. But I think she’s miserable with herself: she drinks wine in excess every night (wouldn’t say she’s drunk every night. Usually at least buzzed), She smokes excessively, and she let herself go physically. If she has so many crutches, she’s not a happy with life in general and that includes me.
No affection. No intimacy.
Sexless marriage? Can somebody define that please? I wouldn’t say sexless literally. I would say sex happened once a month. Sometimes in the morning . . . after she “had her coffee.” So when it happened, it seemed like it was out of obligation. Can that be called “sexless.” Or would that be considered infrequent? Either way, it wasn’t good.
Did breakup happen slow? Or was there an event? Slow for the most part (see above reasons). However, she’s demonstrated bitterness toward my family (her in-laws) which I think is unjustified. And one time it was way over the top. Never able to get over that. Oh and she was drunk.
3.Wasting time without loving partner, without someone new: This is not the case. It was the case at first. But I do have a gf now. It’s hush-hush. Very unique. She lives more than an hour away. She’s a single mom. Her kids are a little younger than mine and she has two jobs. Demanding more time from me is not really practical for her. She’s willing it wait it out, recognizing the kids are almost grown up – hers and mine.
4.Why is my relationship hush-hush and why am I not legally separated
a.My kids know we are separated. By doing what I’ve been doing the separation has not disrupted them much. Do I set a Bad example? Yes. But I also think they’ll recognize when they get older, if not already, that dad stayed for them. They’ll appreciate it, on some level, if they don’t already. And that sets a good example. So I am setting good and bad examples for them. It’s the best I can do.
b.Finances. We can’t afford two houses . . . not if one of the houses is our current house. Whoever said it’s like staying in a “bad job” was spot on.
c.Someone here said they hoped to get taken out on the way to work by a drunk driver. I’m extremely sorry to hear that. It’s not that bad for me. And I’ve heard many other horror stories involving kids. Dad not allowed in the house. Mom late dropping off kids on the weekend. Mom late picking up the kids. Clothes thrown out window. I don’t have those issues. Not even close. If my girl friend was not hush-hush, my situation would take a dramatic turn for the worse. Because of that and because of her own situation and because of the distance between us, she’s willing to wait it out.
5.Finances
a.My wife and I both work. We both make decent $. Not rich. Comfortable I guess is the way to put it. I make a little bit more than her. Maybe this is naïve, because everyone I talk to says divorce is expensive. One guy I know tell me I’m crazy and that I’m going to be paying alimony for the rest of my life. He makes a ton and his wife does not work. So he pays his ex-wife a fortune. But if I only make a little more than her and since child support won’t last long as my youngest is 17, won’t alimony be negligible? And we split everything we have 50-50. It will be an amount in alimony that I’m happy to pay. We can’t afford two houses, but we can afford two smaller homes. Maybe an apartments. But if I pay alimony she can afford a somewhat bigger place and that would be good for my kids
b.Several people responded by saying they didn’t understand my wife’s actions and one person labeled her actions “strange.” I agree.
i.At the very beginning she said “you have to figure out what’s making you so miserable.” That annoyed me and continues to annoy me. It wasn’t and isn’t – “WE” that have to figure it out. It was “you” have to figure it out. I even saw a therapist. And she did not. In other words, she started out . . . and is still . . . waiting for me to wake up and come to my senses. She’s waiting for me to realize how good I have it with her.
ii.Parties – a lot of people though it strange that we go to parties together. I may have overstated this. I can count on one hand how many times this happens a year – a 50th birthday of a mutual friend, a 4th of July BBQ, Thanksgiving with the family (to be with our kids), etc. We don’t interact much at these functions.
iii.Whoever said she’s getting the “benefits of marriage without being married” and said she’s fine with “status quo” is spot on. I think she’s content with the situation. Doesn’t want anybody new and is fine with the way things are right now. But she won’t admit that – even to herself. Whenever I bring up legally separating, is when she gets sad.
iv.Is it possible that I’m too nice? I don’t love her, but I do like her. I don’t want to hurt her. Don’t want her to be alone. And I’m waiting for her to come to grips with the situation??? And she’s not coming to grips with it?
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post #20 of 28 (permalink) Old 08-18-2019, 09:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Staying In A Marriage For Social Reasons

Hi everyone. I started this thread and got a lot of helpful feedback. I tried to post a lengthy response last night, but I still don't see it here. I wrote it as a word doc first and then copied and pasted it. Any idea of what could be wrong? I do see under forum rules there's a filter for obscenities' and the like. I can't think of anything I wrote that would require filtering. If I don't see the post soon, I will re-read it again in Word and try to address anything that could have been filtered and then I will attempt to repost. Or do posts need approval? I guess if that's the case, this message won't post right away either. Or maybe since it was a lengthy post, maybe it's taking a while to be approved. I hope it gets resolved as the responses here are helpful and I think my response will generate more helpful feedback. Thank you all.
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post #21 of 28 (permalink) Old 08-18-2019, 10:07 AM
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Re: Staying In A Marriage For Social Reasons

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Originally Posted by rfd1283 View Post
....while I understand why I should legally separate, I have not done so because my situation has worked for me and for my kids.

I believe she loves being married – externally, for social reasons. She doesn’t love me, but she loves keeping our friends, she loves keeping our extended family, she loves having somebody to go to games, parties with.
I don't know if it's common. However, for me, it was completely accurate. She could take me out to church, family, etc. and "show me off", even though her TRUE opinion of me was that I was not attractive, and had a too-small ****....but the only one she would say that to was me.....not even to our MC... she only used other things to blame me for her adultery.....

Last edited by TJW; 08-18-2019 at 10:20 AM.
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post #22 of 28 (permalink) Old 08-18-2019, 10:15 AM
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Re: Staying In A Marriage For Social Reasons

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Originally Posted by brooklynAnn View Post
She gets all the perks of being married with out having to make any effort in a marriage. Why should she want to give that up or be made to give it all up?
The REAL point was, she would not have been "made" to give it all up. The courts, and the wonderful screw-jack "no-fault divorce" system would have given her custody of the kids with me being a weekend father, while I paid the COMPLETE BILL for it all, because she had no income....even though it was HER who was the adulterer.

Thankfully, I had an honest lawyer who told me that was going to happen, even though it lost money for him.
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post #23 of 28 (permalink) Old 08-18-2019, 11:13 AM
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Re: Staying In A Marriage For Social Reasons

The only restriction is word length. The "bad word" filter simply changes your bad word to something like ****, but doesn't block you from posting.

If you have over (I THINK) 20000 words, it will block it until you trim it down.
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post #24 of 28 (permalink) Old 08-18-2019, 11:32 AM
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Re: Staying In A Marriage For Social Reasons

The Word document post that's missing may have something to do with how few posts you have but I'm not sure what the rules are about that.
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post #25 of 28 (permalink) Old 08-18-2019, 01:21 PM
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Re: Staying In A Marriage For Social Reasons

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Last edited by blahfridge; 08-18-2019 at 11:05 PM.
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post #26 of 28 (permalink) Old 08-18-2019, 04:38 PM
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Re: Staying In A Marriage For Social Reasons

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Originally Posted by rfd1283 View Post
Hi everyone. I started this thread and got a lot of helpful feedback. I tried to post a lengthy response last night, but I still don't see it here. I wrote it as a word doc first and then copied and pasted it. Any idea of what could be wrong? I do see under forum rules there's a filter for obscenities' and the like. I can't think of anything I wrote that would require filtering. If I don't see the post soon, I will re-read it again in Word and try to address anything that could have been filtered and then I will attempt to repost. Or do posts need approval? I guess if that's the case, this message won't post right away either. Or maybe since it was a lengthy post, maybe it's taking a while to be approved. I hope it gets resolved as the responses here are helpful and I think my response will generate more helpful feedback. Thank you all.
I have approved the post that did not show up. Sometimes our software will mark a new poster's posts as needing approval. You should be ok now.

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post #27 of 28 (permalink) Old 08-18-2019, 08:18 PM
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Re: Staying In A Marriage For Social Reasons

Why not tell your wife about your gf (assuming she doesn't know) so she's fully aware you're serious about moving on?

ETA: I just read the part about how things would be "dramatic" if your wife knew. That tells me she fully expects you to stay so things remain as they are.

Last edited by Openminded; 08-18-2019 at 08:24 PM.
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post #28 of 28 (permalink) Old 08-18-2019, 10:19 PM
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Re: Staying In A Marriage For Social Reasons

Are you sure that SHE doesn't have a secret bf on the side?

You should really meet with a few lawyers in your area -- you have a lot of questions that they should be able to clear up right away for you.

Just for your sake, get a plan together for yourself...
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