Re: Staying In A Marriage For Social Reasons
What a great site! I got great feedback. Sorry for not responding sooner. I posted my message and then went away for a week. I’ve finally caught up and will now respond. If I leave any issues out, please let me know.
1.Someone wrote “lots of information missing.” Ok. Ha. You asked for it. A lot coming up right here.
2.Reasons my marriage failed/Catalyst For Breakup/Happen slowly or was there an event?
I feel no love for her or from her
She thinks I’m miserable in the marriage. But I think she’s miserable with herself: she drinks wine in excess every night (wouldn’t say she’s drunk every night. Usually at least buzzed), She smokes excessively, and she let herself go physically. If she has so many crutches, she’s not a happy with life in general and that includes me.
No affection. No intimacy.
Sexless marriage? Can somebody define that please? I wouldn’t say sexless literally. I would say sex happened once a month. Sometimes in the morning . . . after she “had her coffee.” So when it happened, it seemed like it was out of obligation. Can that be called “sexless.” Or would that be considered infrequent? Either way, it wasn’t good.
Did breakup happen slow? Or was there an event? Slow for the most part (see above reasons). However, she’s demonstrated bitterness toward my family (her in-laws) which I think is unjustified. And one time it was way over the top. Never able to get over that. Oh and she was drunk.
3.Wasting time without loving partner, without someone new: This is not the case. It was the case at first. But I do have a gf now. It’s hush-hush. Very unique. She lives more than an hour away. She’s a single mom. Her kids are a little younger than mine and she has two jobs. Demanding more time from me is not really practical for her. She’s willing it wait it out, recognizing the kids are almost grown up – hers and mine.
4.Why is my relationship hush-hush and why am I not legally separated
a.My kids know we are separated. By doing what I’ve been doing the separation has not disrupted them much. Do I set a Bad example? Yes. But I also think they’ll recognize when they get older, if not already, that dad stayed for them. They’ll appreciate it, on some level, if they don’t already. And that sets a good example. So I am setting good and bad examples for them. It’s the best I can do.
b.Finances. We can’t afford two houses . . . not if one of the houses is our current house. Whoever said it’s like staying in a “bad job” was spot on.
c.Someone here said they hoped to get taken out on the way to work by a drunk driver. I’m extremely sorry to hear that. It’s not that bad for me. And I’ve heard many other horror stories involving kids. Dad not allowed in the house. Mom late dropping off kids on the weekend. Mom late picking up the kids. Clothes thrown out window. I don’t have those issues. Not even close. If my girl friend was not hush-hush, my situation would take a dramatic turn for the worse. Because of that and because of her own situation and because of the distance between us, she’s willing to wait it out.
a.My wife and I both work. We both make decent $. Not rich. Comfortable I guess is the way to put it. I make a little bit more than her. Maybe this is naïve, because everyone I talk to says divorce is expensive. One guy I know tell me I’m crazy and that I’m going to be paying alimony for the rest of my life. He makes a ton and his wife does not work. So he pays his ex-wife a fortune. But if I only make a little more than her and since child support won’t last long as my youngest is 17, won’t alimony be negligible? And we split everything we have 50-50. It will be an amount in alimony that I’m happy to pay. We can’t afford two houses, but we can afford two smaller homes. Maybe an apartments. But if I pay alimony she can afford a somewhat bigger place and that would be good for my kids
b.Several people responded by saying they didn’t understand my wife’s actions and one person labeled her actions “strange.” I agree.
i.At the very beginning she said “you have to figure out what’s making you so miserable.” That annoyed me and continues to annoy me. It wasn’t and isn’t – “WE” that have to figure it out. It was “you” have to figure it out. I even saw a therapist. And she did not. In other words, she started out . . . and is still . . . waiting for me to wake up and come to my senses. She’s waiting for me to realize how good I have it with her.
ii.Parties – a lot of people though it strange that we go to parties together. I may have overstated this. I can count on one hand how many times this happens a year – a 50th birthday of a mutual friend, a 4th of July BBQ, Thanksgiving with the family (to be with our kids), etc. We don’t interact much at these functions.
iii.Whoever said she’s getting the “benefits of marriage without being married” and said she’s fine with “status quo” is spot on. I think she’s content with the situation. Doesn’t want anybody new and is fine with the way things are right now. But she won’t admit that – even to herself. Whenever I bring up legally separating, is when she gets sad.
iv.Is it possible that I’m too nice? I don’t love her, but I do like her. I don’t want to hurt her. Don’t want her to be alone. And I’m waiting for her to come to grips with the situation??? And she’s not coming to grips with it?