I wasnít blaming her I said sheís the first person who made me feel like it was me and that I shouldnít be so hard on him which made me feel like maybe I should stay. So yes that made me question it.
She was not saying that you should stay. She was saying that if you stay that you are choosing to accept the abuse. If you leave, you choose to not accept the abuse.
I didnít come here to get to made to feel bad. I came here for help. I know my situation is really bad but when I question myself I donít need to hear that I shouldnít be so hard on him. That keeps me feeling stuck.
People are trying to help you... to help you realize that you have 100% of the power over getting out of an abusive marriage.
Which I donít know why I feel stuck. Itís a horrible feeling and was looking for advice on why I may feel that way and what I can do to get past it.
The way you feel, stuck, is very normal. Sadly, a lot of victims of abuse struggle with realizing that they have complete control and can leave the abuser. Sometimes they have to put some things in place before they can leave, but they have the power to leave.
There have been a studies done to figure out why victims of abuse continue to stay with their abusers. The results of these studies are interesting.. .it's biological. Victims who stay with their abuses have a distorted oxytocin response. What's oxytocin? It's a the hormone that our brains uptake to make us feel bonded to other people. It's often called the amnesia hormone.
A good example of why it's called the amnesia hormone is child birth. When a woman gives birth to a baby, her body/brain creates and uptakes large quantities of oxytocin. What it does is that it make her strongly bond to her baby. But is also creates amnesia relation to the pain of child birth. Women do not recall that actual level of pain they endure during child birth because oxytocin helps them forget the true level of pain. I've read that if it were not for oxytocin helping women forget the pain, there would never be a second child because no woman would willing put themselves through that pain again.
When it comes to love relationships, oxytocin also comes into play. When a person falls in love, the brain is flooded with oxytocin and other feel-good hormones. That's why people feel high as a kite when in-love. Over time that high goes away some, but the oxytocin levels are still high enough so that the person sees their partner through rose colored glasses. This is why so often we see someone who is in love with the partner and their friends and family wonder what on earth they see in that person.. can't the see the bad things about them? Nope, they cannot see the bad because the oxytocin serves as a pair of rose colored glasses that helps them forget and/or ignore the bad.
Sadly, oxytocin also plays a role in the way victims of abuse respond to the abuse. Oxytocin is also floods the brain during times of trauma. Researchers have done tests on oxytocin levels in abuse victims. The abuse cause the manufacture and uptake of oxytocin. It's the body's way to protect the victim on some level from the mental trauma of the abuse. This is why victims of abuse seem to be unable to leave their abuser.. the oxytocin helps to blunt the trauma (rose colored glasses) and binds them more strongly to their abuser. This is sometimes called the Stockholm Syndrome.
Researchers have also fond that children, especially girls, who grow up in homes where there is abuse often, as adults, have a very reactive oxytocin response if they are abused as adults. This is why children who grow up in an abusive home often become victims of an abusive relationship as adults.
So how do you stop this cycle? The victim has to end all contact with the abuser. Over time the bond that has been created by the oxytocin dissipates. Once it does, the victim no longer is bonded to the abuser and the rose colored glasses are gone. And, once this stage is reached, the victim needs to stay as far away from their abuser and have as little contact as possible. No contact ever again is the best way to go.
The above is a very simplistic explanation of complex biological response to abuse and pair bonding. For example when the brain is flooded with oxytocin, it's usually also being flooded with dopamine and other feel-good hormones.
What people here are telling you is that you are the only person who can stop this cycle. You need to end all contact with him.
Are you getting any counseling to help you deal with your situation?