One foot out the door 😞 - Page 19 - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

User Tag List

 290Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #271 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-18-2020, 09:00 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 1,342
Re: One foot out the door 😞

If he is your husband you need to accept his good and his bad. No one is perfect. You want him to put you first and all your needs first but your a grown adult. You have to put him first too, and having a healthy Relationship with his kids is important.
You need to **** or get off the pot. You canít be luke warm. You need to either accept him for who he is and love him and stop trying to make him perfect, or leave him. Thatís it. Choose one and do it.
Go get a life. Go to the gym. Makes friends. Get hobbies. You spend too much time in the house your driving yourself and him crazy. Itís not healthy.
He will never be perfect. He will never always be there for you, he will never not drink and have a social life and have a relationship with his kids. You have to accept this and love him or love on.

Girl_power is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #272 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-18-2020, 09:02 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 1,342
One foot out the door 😞

Quote:
Originally Posted by solost12 View Post
I still feel with what youíre saying that it could be my fault. How did I bring physical and emotional abuse on? Is that possible? Iím asking for an honest answer.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


No one deserves any of this. How long ago was the physically abusive? You forgave him and moved on so why do you keep bringing it up? You canít play the victim, your a grown adult. Stay or leave.

Is it your fault? Of course not. People do bad things and its not the other persons fault. Just because someone does something bad doesnít mean they are a bad person. Only you can decide if you will tolerate that behavior.

Every man and every women accepts the bad with their partner. Sometimes the bad becomes so bad that they need to leave.

Last edited by Girl_power; 01-18-2020 at 09:10 AM.
Girl_power is offline  
post #273 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-18-2020, 12:14 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 103
Re: One foot out the door 😞

Quote:
Originally Posted by Girl_power View Post
If he is your husband you need to accept his good and his bad. No one is perfect. You want him to put you first and all your needs first but your a grown adult. You have to put him first too, and having a healthy Relationship with his kids is important.
You need to **** or get off the pot. You canít be luke warm. You need to either accept him for who he is and love him and stop trying to make him perfect, or leave him. Thatís it. Choose one and do it.
Go get a life. Go to the gym. Makes friends. Get hobbies. You spend too much time in the house your driving yourself and him crazy. Itís not healthy.
He will never be perfect. He will never always be there for you, he will never not drink and have a social life and have a relationship with his kids. You have to accept this and love him or love on.


You obviously havenít read all of this. Please donít respond and give advice if you donít know the whole story and I certainly hope you donít think all that Iíve said is ok. Youíre the FIRST and ONLY one here who has put some blame on me. Unreal.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
solost12 is offline  
 
post #274 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-18-2020, 12:17 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 103
One foot out the door 😞

Quote:
Originally Posted by Girl_power View Post
No one deserves any of this. How long ago was the physically abusive? You forgave him and moved on so why do you keep bringing it up? You canít play the victim, your a grown adult. Stay or leave.

Is it your fault? Of course not. People do bad things and its not the other persons fault. Just because someone does something bad doesnít mean they are a bad person. Only you can decide if you will tolerate that behavior.

Every man and every women accepts the bad with their partner. Sometimes the bad becomes so bad that they need to leave.


Iím not a victim?! How am I not a victim? He has gaslighted me, emotionally and physically abused me and has a drinking problem, wonít communicate without angry outbursts and sometimes still sleeps with his 12 year old daughter!! How am I not a victim? And HOW DO YOU THINK THIS IS ACCEPTABLE?!

The last time was this October when he pushed me and I fell and almost Broke my wrist and had huge bruises on my stomach and thigh! So only a few months ago. Again, please donít reply if you havenít read ALL that has happened. Youíre the only person here now making me feel like Iím wrong, deserve that and should stay.

Can someone else who has been here with me respond? Because now Iíve lost all the courage and strength I almost had. I donít even get how Girl Power thinks this is ok?

Iím so close to making him leave and now Iím questioning it. Iím really upset.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Last edited by solost12; 01-18-2020 at 12:27 PM.
solost12 is offline  
post #275 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-18-2020, 12:34 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 1,342
Re: One foot out the door 😞

Quote:
Originally Posted by solost12 View Post
Iím not a victim?! How am I not a victim? He has gaslighted me, emotionally and physically abused me and has a drinking problem, wonít communicate without angry outbursts and sometimes still sleeps with his 12 year old daughter!! How am I not a victim? And HOW DO YOU THINK THIS IS ACCEPTABLE?!

The last time was this October when he pushed me and I fell and almost Broke my wrist and had huge bruises on my stomach and thigh! So only a few months ago. Again, please donít reply if you havenít read ALL that has happened. Youíre the only person here now making me feel like Iím wrong, deserve that and should stay.

Can someone else who has been here with me respond? Because now Iíve lost all the courage and strength I almost had. I donít even get how Girl Power thinks this is ok?

Iím so close to making him leave and now Iím questioning it. Iím really upset.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


What I have read is that you are indecisive on whether or not you want to leave him. You say you want to leave him, then you give him your address. And you let him take care of you after surgery. So Iím sorry if I am getting mixed signals from you.

No one is blaming you. I did not blame you. You are not reading what I am writing to you. I said no one deserves to be treated that way. So why are you allowing him to treat you that way? You are not a child, you can leave him.
Girl_power is offline  
post #276 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-18-2020, 02:02 PM
Member
 
Prodigal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: My side of the street
Posts: 4,301
Re: One foot out the door 😞

Quote:
Originally Posted by solost12 View Post
Iím not a victim?! How am I not a victim? He has gaslighted me, emotionally and physically abused me and has a drinking problem, wonít communicate without angry outbursts and sometimes still sleeps with his 12 year old daughter!! How am I not a victim? And HOW DO YOU THINK THIS IS ACCEPTABLE?!

Can someone else who has been here with me respond? Because now Iíve lost all the courage and strength I almost had. I donít even get how Girl Power thinks this is ok?

Iím so close to making him leave and now Iím questioning it. Iím really upset.
Apparently you think your husband's behavior is at least tolerable (even if unacceptable) because you are still living with him.

Now you are trying to blame the collapse of your desire to leave on some stranger out in cyberspace who you feel gave you the wrong advice.

Yes, you are a victim - the victim of not taking control of your own life. Don't blame @Girl_power for your inability to leave. Seriously.

I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
Prodigal is offline  
post #277 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-18-2020, 02:39 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 103
Re: One foot out the door 😞

I wasnít blaming her I said sheís the first person who made me feel like it was me and that I shouldnít be so hard on him which made me feel like maybe I should stay. So yes that made me question it.

I didnít come here to get to made to feel bad. I came here for help. I know my situation is really bad but when I question myself I donít need to hear that I shouldnít be so hard on him. That keeps me feeling stuck.

Which I donít know why I feel stuck. Itís a horrible feeling and was looking for advice on why I may feel that way and what I can do to get past it.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
solost12 is offline  
post #278 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-18-2020, 02:43 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 6,055
Re: One foot out the door 😞

Quote:
Originally Posted by solost12 View Post
I still feel with what you’re saying that it could be my fault. How did I bring physical and emotional abuse on? Is that possible? I’m asking for an honest answer.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
You did NOTHING to bring it on.

Accepting, staying, forgiving, excusing, blaming other’s advice and remaining with the man abusing is your fault.

It is not easy for many people to just cut someone loose, gender doesn’t matter, when you consider your life entanglements. What many people do is weigh time, finances, children, and a lifetime of experience in their decision.


If someone is abusing you all of the above changes.

You don’t stay because of the children when you are being abused.
You don’t stay because of finances when you are being abused.
You don’t stay because of life experiences with this person when you are being abused.

You don’t stay because of time invested when you are being abused.


Again, I am not saying it is easy, but there is a point when it is all about you and your decisions.

So, yes, you have found reasons to stay with a dangerous man and forgave him. This means it is your CHOICE and your fault if you stay. It never means you ask for it, deserve it or want it. It just means you are faulted for staying.
phillybeffandswiss is offline  
post #279 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-18-2020, 02:58 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 1,342
Re: One foot out the door 😞

We all want to help you. But your still in victim mode. I mean you literally just blamed me for not leaving your husband.

We want to empower you and support you and encourage you. But we arenít going to cookie coat anything, and we arenít going to say itís going to be an easy. It isnít. And the truth is, you clearly have a lot of issues as well and your not perfect.
I do not think you are emotionally stable enough to leave him. I think you need to take control of your life little by little, get confidence, go to therapy, and wean him out of your life.
Girl_power is offline  
post #280 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-18-2020, 03:40 PM
Moderator
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 27,944
Re: One foot out the door 😞

Playing the Victim https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victim_playing

Which doesn't seem to accurately describe @solost12.



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
(Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
MattMatt is offline  
post #281 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-18-2020, 04:04 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 1,342
One foot out the door 😞

Quote:
Originally Posted by MattMatt View Post
Playing the Victim https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victim_playing



Which doesn't seem to accurately describe @solost12.


I think it describes her accurately actually.

She said she is physically and emotionally abused. (Which obviously we give her sympathy). Then she says above that maybe she brought this on herself because she is controlling and needy or whatever. And she was questioning whether it was really that bad. (So she stays with him, and enables the behavior by trying to understand it, and justify it). Then when I say something she doesnít like, she says that itís my fault that she is y leaving her husband bc she almost had enough strength to do it until I ruined it for her.
Girl_power is offline  
post #282 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-18-2020, 04:11 PM
Administrator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 41,778
Re: One foot out the door 😞

Quote:
Originally Posted by solost12 View Post
I wasnít blaming her I said sheís the first person who made me feel like it was me and that I shouldnít be so hard on him which made me feel like maybe I should stay. So yes that made me question it.
She was not saying that you should stay. She was saying that if you stay that you are choosing to accept the abuse. If you leave, you choose to not accept the abuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by solost12 View Post
I didnít come here to get to made to feel bad. I came here for help. I know my situation is really bad but when I question myself I donít need to hear that I shouldnít be so hard on him. That keeps me feeling stuck.
People are trying to help you... to help you realize that you have 100% of the power over getting out of an abusive marriage.

Quote:
Originally Posted by solost12 View Post
Which I donít know why I feel stuck. Itís a horrible feeling and was looking for advice on why I may feel that way and what I can do to get past it.
The way you feel, stuck, is very normal. Sadly, a lot of victims of abuse struggle with realizing that they have complete control and can leave the abuser. Sometimes they have to put some things in place before they can leave, but they have the power to leave.

There have been a studies done to figure out why victims of abuse continue to stay with their abusers. The results of these studies are interesting.. .it's biological. Victims who stay with their abuses have a distorted oxytocin response. What's oxytocin? It's a the hormone that our brains uptake to make us feel bonded to other people. It's often called the amnesia hormone.

A good example of why it's called the amnesia hormone is child birth. When a woman gives birth to a baby, her body/brain creates and uptakes large quantities of oxytocin. What it does is that it make her strongly bond to her baby. But is also creates amnesia relation to the pain of child birth. Women do not recall that actual level of pain they endure during child birth because oxytocin helps them forget the true level of pain. I've read that if it were not for oxytocin helping women forget the pain, there would never be a second child because no woman would willing put themselves through that pain again.

When it comes to love relationships, oxytocin also comes into play. When a person falls in love, the brain is flooded with oxytocin and other feel-good hormones. That's why people feel high as a kite when in-love. Over time that high goes away some, but the oxytocin levels are still high enough so that the person sees their partner through rose colored glasses. This is why so often we see someone who is in love with the partner and their friends and family wonder what on earth they see in that person.. can't the see the bad things about them? Nope, they cannot see the bad because the oxytocin serves as a pair of rose colored glasses that helps them forget and/or ignore the bad.

Sadly, oxytocin also plays a role in the way victims of abuse respond to the abuse. Oxytocin is also floods the brain during times of trauma. Researchers have done tests on oxytocin levels in abuse victims. The abuse cause the manufacture and uptake of oxytocin. It's the body's way to protect the victim on some level from the mental trauma of the abuse. This is why victims of abuse seem to be unable to leave their abuser.. the oxytocin helps to blunt the trauma (rose colored glasses) and binds them more strongly to their abuser. This is sometimes called the Stockholm Syndrome.

Researchers have also fond that children, especially girls, who grow up in homes where there is abuse often, as adults, have a very reactive oxytocin response if they are abused as adults. This is why children who grow up in an abusive home often become victims of an abusive relationship as adults.

So how do you stop this cycle? The victim has to end all contact with the abuser. Over time the bond that has been created by the oxytocin dissipates. Once it does, the victim no longer is bonded to the abuser and the rose colored glasses are gone. And, once this stage is reached, the victim needs to stay as far away from their abuser and have as little contact as possible. No contact ever again is the best way to go.

The above is a very simplistic explanation of complex biological response to abuse and pair bonding. For example when the brain is flooded with oxytocin, it's usually also being flooded with dopamine and other feel-good hormones.

What people here are telling you is that you are the only person who can stop this cycle. You need to end all contact with him.

Are you getting any counseling to help you deal with your situation?

Surviving An Affair -
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.



To Create A Passionate Marriage -
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
EleGirl is online now  
post #283 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-18-2020, 06:22 PM
Member
 
Prodigal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: My side of the street
Posts: 4,301
Re: One foot out the door 😞

@MattMatt - I read what you posted re: victims. I've been following this thread from the beginning. And I'm in complete agreement with @Girl_power. This is a very accurate description of the OP.

I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
Prodigal is offline  
post #284 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-18-2020, 06:27 PM
Moderator
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 27,944
Re: One foot out the door 😞

Quote:
Originally Posted by Prodigal View Post
@MattMatt - I read what you posted re: victims. I've been following this thread from the beginning. And I'm in complete agreement with @Girl_power. This is a very accurate description of the OP.
Some victims suffer from something like Stockholm Syndrome.

They stay with their abuser because it's the only life they know.

Their abuser has ****ed with their mind so much that the thought of leaving their abuser is not something they can comprehend.

I hope that @solost12 can escape her abuser.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
(Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
MattMatt is offline  
post #285 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-18-2020, 07:38 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 103
Re: One foot out the door 😞

I donít think I have any of the link that you sent. I donít abuse others and I donít manipulate. What of that makes you think thatís me?

Iím not in therapy. Supposed to start Monday.

I appreciate all that youíre saying. You keep me from losing it but I donít see how I play victim.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
solost12 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in










Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome