One foot out the door 😞 - Page 20 - Talk About Marriage
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post #286 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-19-2020, 08:38 AM Thread Starter
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Re: One foot out the door 😞

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Originally Posted by Girl_power View Post
If he is your husband you need to accept his good and his bad. No one is perfect. You want him to put you first and all your needs first but your a grown adult. You have to put him first too, and having a healthy Relationship with his kids is important.
You need to **** or get off the pot. You canít be luke warm. You need to either accept him for who he is and love him and stop trying to make him perfect, or leave him. Thatís it. Choose one and do it.
Go get a life. Go to the gym. Makes friends. Get hobbies. You spend too much time in the house your driving yourself and him crazy. Itís not healthy.
He will never be perfect. He will never always be there for you, he will never not drink and have a social life and have a relationship with his kids. You have to accept this and love him or love on.


As Iím reading this again I have put him first and his kids first even over myself and my daughter. So I donít get why Iím being told that. Iíve lost myself because of this.

He hasnít put me first. Not once. Ever.

Hereís an example and a question. This has been going on for years but more then ever. So heís been going out after work, says heíll be home at a certain time, winds up getting wasted and disappears for hours and then comes home 4-5 hours later after the last time we talk. Doesnít answer his calls when I call to make sure heís ok. All of this after he promised that the last time would be the last time. This has been going on for years. I ask for the courtesy to let me know heís going to stay out longer or call if he needs a ride because I worry but no. Never changes and all cause he says he was drunk and thought he called and or his phone wasnít near him.

Heís off work tomorrow. So him and his friends are going out. I already know where this is going. He probably wonít even come home cause heíll say he was too drunk and passed out at his friends.

I never go out and on the rare occasion I do I would never behave this way.

Is this ok to you? @Girl_power? Is this where Iím supposed to let him be, support him, and accept him as who he is?

Or is this wrong and I should be upset? Another reason to leave him?

This is a serious question. Not arguing but really want to know because Iím trying to gauge where Iím wrong or expecting too much.


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post #287 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-19-2020, 10:56 AM
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One foot out the door 😞

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As Iím reading this again I have put him first and his kids first even over myself and my daughter. So I donít get why Iím being told that. Iíve lost myself because of this.

He hasnít put me first. Not once. Ever.

Hereís an example and a question. This has been going on for years but more then ever. So heís been going out after work, says heíll be home at a certain time, winds up getting wasted and disappears for hours and then comes home 4-5 hours later after the last time we talk. Doesnít answer his calls when I call to make sure heís ok. All of this after he promised that the last time would be the last time. This has been going on for years. I ask for the courtesy to let me know heís going to stay out longer or call if he needs a ride because I worry but no. Never changes and all cause he says he was drunk and thought he called and or his phone wasnít near him.

Heís off work tomorrow. So him and his friends are going out. I already know where this is going. He probably wonít even come home cause heíll say he was too drunk and passed out at his friends.

I never go out and on the rare occasion I do I would never behave this way.

Is this ok to you? @Girl_power? Is this where Iím supposed to let him be, support him, and accept him as who he is?

Or is this wrong and I should be upset? Another reason to leave him?

This is a serious question. Not arguing but really want to know because Iím trying to gauge where Iím wrong or expecting too much.


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Itís not about being right or wrong, itís about being at peace.

Of course itís not cool when your husband goes out and doesnít call. But after all this time, do you think he is going to really change? At a certain point you have to accept it or move on. But you just want to fight.

Hereís the thing. You already know what he is going to do tomorrow. He is going to go out with his friends and get piss drunk. You already know this. Your getting ready to be mad and have a blow up fight. This shouldnít be the same fight over and over again, itís exhausting and unproductive. So my thoughts are... why donít you go out with him and his friends? Why are going you to stay home and just be angry and wait to fight with him? Why donít you go out with your friends tomorrow night too? At a certain point you have to let it go. You canít keep having the same fight. Yes he should do this and he should do that, but he clearly isnít. So why fight forever?

Stop putting him first. Thatís a huge problem. Start putting yourself first. You need to go out and laugh hysterically. You need to set and accomplish goals and be proud of yourself. You need to live your own life. Instead you stay home and sulk and get mad that your husband is living his life.
Weíre all going to die. This isnít a practice life. If you canít have peace with him and are constantly fighting then leave him. You know him really well. You know what he is going to do before he does it. Can you live like this, with who he is? Can you be happy like this? And thatís a question only you can answer. Some women take a lot to be happy. Some women take a very little to be happy.
I know myself well enough that I could not be happy with my exH. But I know that plenty of other women would love to be his wife and could be very happy with him. I wish I could of been, but I couldnít. I wish I could be one of those girls that doesnít require a lot to be happy. But I know myself better than that.

So what about you? Can you let some things go and learn to be happy with him? Only you can answer that.
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post #288 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-19-2020, 01:30 PM Thread Starter
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One foot out the door 😞

I have gone out with him.

Iíve also tried to have my own life and do things and he gets upset. Especially if it was on a weekend that his kids were with us. Even if it was to see my own daughter.

He would say I always go out which isnít true. He would also say I was never there wasnít true. I never go out.

I feel like you havenít read everything from the beginning. My thread goes way beyond accepting him. Thereís so much.

I guess what Iím trying to get at is youíre really the only one here telling me to look at it that way. When everyone else has said leave and get out heís terrible. Why is your advice different?

Like wouldnít have anyone else left a long time ago?

I feel like I need words to get strong and leave. To hear that Iím not wrong and i shouldnít put up with this.

Not blaming you at all but I am just questioning if this is normal and I should work it out now.

The advice has gone from
Get strong and leave to maybe Iím being too hard and expecting too much.

Iím confused and feel weak again.


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Last edited by solost12; 01-19-2020 at 01:38 PM.
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post #289 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-19-2020, 01:54 PM
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Re: One foot out the door 😞

You keep ignoring the advice to get out so why are you arguing about this? Youíve heard from all of us exactly what you claim to need to hear, but yet there you stay, whining of your misery instead of standing strong and doing what needs to be done. Youíre just afraid to be without a man. So either learn to live with the piece of crap, or get out.




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post #290 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-19-2020, 01:55 PM
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Re: One foot out the door 😞

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Originally Posted by solost12 View Post
I have gone out with him.

Iíve also tried to have my own life and do things and he gets upset. Especially if it was on a weekend that his kids were with us. Even if it was to see my own daughter.

He would say I always go out which isnít true. He would also say I was never there wasnít true. I never go out.

I feel like you havenít read everything from the beginning. My thread goes way beyond accepting him. Thereís so much.


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I understand. Iíve read the thread.
You need to be your own person. Who cares if he gets upset. You are your own person, you are not there just to do whatever he wants. There needs to be a balance. You need your own life, he needs his own life, and then you need your life together. If he gets mad if you go out who cares. This is a way he is trying to control and manipulate you. He is allowed to go out with his friends and you shouldnít get mad. You are allowed to go out with friends and he shouldnít get mad. Who cares what he says. Heís an ******* that is going to manipulate you and try to control you. But you canít let it happen bc you are your own person. Iím sure that you have also tried to control and manipulate him, we have all done it. But that doesnít stop him from going out with his friends does it? So donít let him getting mad stop you from doing you.

I get that it does beyond accepting him. But you have limited realistic options. And one is to accept him and try to live in peace while not allowing him to manipulate you. The second is to leave him. There are no other options. Do you understand that? He will not change. All you can do is leave and hope to find better or be okay with possibly of finding worse or no one. Or you can learn to live with this crappy selfish man and learn to be at peace with it and try to focus on the good stuff to keep you sane. There is no other option and I donít think you understand this.
Fighting wonít solve anything. Coming on here to get a bunch of strangers to admit that he is a jerk isnít going to change anything. You already know heís a jerk. But you also know that he has some good qualities which is why you fell in love with him.
I am not telling you to stay with him and accept him. I am telling you there are 2 things you can do. Stay, accept him and learn to live in peace, or leave him. There is good and bad with both decisions. And only you can make that decision. Because what is right for you, may not be right for someone else.


And the other thing is. I am 100% all for women leaving their abusive relationship. But itís something to work up to. Because itís not healthy for you to leave and come back and leave and come back. In fact, the more you do that, the harder it is for you to ever successfully leave. Also it takes a huge hit on your self esteem each time you come back. Also, it tells the abuser that he has total control over you and he knows he doesnít have to change anything bc you keep coming back. So I am saying to you, that if you make the firm decision to leave, you need to first get yourself emotionally and mentally stable enough to leave him once for good and never turn back again.
So you need to decide what to do. And you have to be very purposeful and set goals for whatever decision you make. Things donít magically change, you need to make good decisions and continue to make good decisions. The worst thing that you can do is waver. To go back and forth.

I want you to be happy. But itís going to be a tough road to happiness. But itís worth taking that road, and the sooner you do it, the sooner you will be happy. So everyone here will support whatever decision you make and will help you. But YOU have to make the decision. You have to get control of your life.
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post #291 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-19-2020, 02:10 PM
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Re: One foot out the door 😞

Also, everyone here knows that we only hear from one side of the story. And the truth is, none of us have all the information to give hard advice. And sometimes our advice is wrong.

Everyone has their hard line. So some people would not tolerate certain things, others will tolerate it. Also Iím sure he can say the same for you. Some men wouldnít tolerate how you treat your husband, and other men would.

None of us know anything about your relationship except for the things you said, which is mostly negative. We know there is a huge chunk missing. And for some people On here, they draw the line after physical abuse. Some people donít draw the line there. You chose to stay after that abuse. And depending on the circumstances around it, itís a matter of opinion.

Here are some questions I have for you so I can understand a little more. You donít have to answer them if you donít want.
How many times have you left him?
How often do you get into a screaming match?
Do you guys still have sex? How often? Do you guys cuddle? Go on dates? When was the last time you guys laughed together?
Have you ever cheated on him? Has he cheated on you?
Do you both work full time?
Do you have sit down family dinners? Who cooks? Who cleans? What was the last nice thing he did for you? What was the last nice thing you did for him?
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post #292 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-19-2020, 04:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: One foot out the door 😞

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Also, everyone here knows that we only hear from one side of the story. And the truth is, none of us have all the information to give hard advice. And sometimes our advice is wrong.

Everyone has their hard line. So some people would not tolerate certain things, others will tolerate it. Also Iím sure he can say the same for you. Some men wouldnít tolerate how you treat your husband, and other men would.

None of us know anything about your relationship except for the things you said, which is mostly negative. We know there is a huge chunk missing. And for some people On here, they draw the line after physical abuse. Some people donít draw the line there. You chose to stay after that abuse. And depending on the circumstances around it, itís a matter of opinion.

Here are some questions I have for you so I can understand a little more. You donít have to answer them if you donít want.
How many times have you left him?
How often do you get into a screaming match?
Do you guys still have sex? How often? Do you guys cuddle? Go on dates? When was the last time you guys laughed together?
Have you ever cheated on him? Has he cheated on you?
Do you both work full time?
Do you have sit down family dinners? Who cooks? Who cleans? What was the last nice thing he did for you? What was the last nice thing you did for him?


Iíve left him in 2011 for a few months. Got back with him because I found out I was pregnant. Had a miscarriage. Right after found him in the home I just moved out of a week earlier with another woman. His ex. After we said we would work it out. That was the 2nd time he cheated. The other was with a co worker. Probably more that I donít know of.

We get into screaming matches often

We donít have sex anymore the last was before my surgery

We donít cuddle and No dates

We laughed together this morning Watching TV

He has cheated on me. I have never cheated on him.

Yes we both work full time

We used to have family dinner every Sunday when his kids still lived here. I always did everything much more special when they were here. From nice dinners, holiday baking traditions, so many things. I could go on and on about that.

Now itís random with my daughter because sheís older and has a different work schedule.

We both cook and clean

He brought me coffee in bed this morning

I made him breakfast



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post #293 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-19-2020, 04:41 PM
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I really feel your pain all the way around. I need to read your story more thoroughly but I saw enough to get started.

When people like you and I love someone we give it our all. No obstacle is too big or too small. If our partner responds in any negative way we automatically assume it's something we did wrong and we try harder and harder. This cycle goes on and on. In effect we are dependent on whatever affection no matter how small our partner gives us and we become addicted to that cycle. Like any addiction we live for whatever crumb that gets dropped to us.

Over time we realize we are unhappy and again we assume it's us- we did this or that wrong. We see the cycles but our addiction won't let us leave. We are so unhappy and see the cycles so clearly that we come to a site like this to help us see things better and at some point we always ask - " am I crazy?"

Truth is we know there is a problem and we know it can't be all on us but we can't move. Everyone on here tells you something that's true that you need to hear. Sometimes they are angry with their own lives so it seems harsh but if you sift through it you will see it's true. We weaken ourselves because every so often someone comes along that agrees with something we feel and our addiction jumps at that and throws all the other advice out . Then we slide backward again.

It took me two years and I went back and reread all the advice I got on here it finally sunk in. My summary and prayer for you. Write down everything that your husband has done year by year or just list it as you think of it. Re live those experiences because when we are addicted dependents we gloss over or forget all those times- it's how we survive. You need to remember what has happened all the way through and how you felt. You would not treat him or anyone this way. You will see he doesn't put you first. You wouldn't hit anyone the way he has hit you. You are scared and fear paralyzes you. Fear paralyzed me for 20+ years. Every day take a step that gets you and your daughter out of there. You started the apartment process now follow through. Leave when he is drunk and can't stop you.

People on here may not always say it the in the most gentle way but you do have a choice. If you get burned by a hot burner do you keep touching it? No you CHOOSE to not do that again. Your husband is a hot burner who keeps burning you- look at the list I want you to make- choose to not be hurt anymore
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post #294 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-19-2020, 05:11 PM
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Re: One foot out the door 😞

Hopefully, a professional will be able to help you get out.
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post #295 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-19-2020, 05:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: One foot out the door 😞

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I really feel your pain all the way around. I need to read your story more thoroughly but I saw enough to get started.

When people like you and I love someone we give it our all. No obstacle is too big or too small. If our partner responds in any negative way we automatically assume it's something we did wrong and we try harder and harder. This cycle goes on and on. In effect we are dependent on whatever affection no matter how small our partner gives us and we become addicted to that cycle. Like any addiction we live for whatever crumb that gets dropped to us.

Over time we realize we are unhappy and again we assume it's us- we did this or that wrong. We see the cycles but our addiction won't let us leave. We are so unhappy and see the cycles so clearly that we come to a site like this to help us see things better and at some point we always ask - " am I crazy?"

Truth is we know there is a problem and we know it can't be all on us but we can't move. Everyone on here tells you something that's true that you need to hear. Sometimes they are angry with their own lives so it seems harsh but if you sift through it you will see it's true. We weaken ourselves because every so often someone comes along that agrees with something we feel and our addiction jumps at that and throws all the other advice out . Then we slide backward again.

It took me two years and I went back and reread all the advice I got on here it finally sunk in. My summary and prayer for you. Write down everything that your husband has done year by year or just list it as you think of it. Re live those experiences because when we are addicted dependents we gloss over or forget all those times- it's how we survive. You need to remember what has happened all the way through and how you felt. You would not treat him or anyone this way. You will see he doesn't put you first. You wouldn't hit anyone the way he has hit you. You are scared and fear paralyzes you. Fear paralyzed me for 20+ years. Every day take a step that gets you and your daughter out of there. You started the apartment process now follow through. Leave when he is drunk and can't stop you.

People on here may not always say it the in the most gentle way but you do have a choice. If you get burned by a hot burner do you keep touching it? No you CHOOSE to not do that again. Your husband is a hot burner who keeps burning you- look at the list I want you to make- choose to not be hurt anymore


This has me in tears because this is how I feel and canít put I to words. 100% how I feel!

Thank God my adult daughter doesnít live with us.

The apartment is mine and Iím on the lease for 8 more months. He isnít on the lease so he has to go. I think this is where I also feel stuck. Because how do I get him out?

I moved here to get away and he followed me and I was dumb and said ok weíll see if the change of scenery helps. Dumb I know.

Itís easier for me to say donít come back and change the locks when heís done something wrong. But itís not when heís being ok so I donít know how to handle.

Iím so sad and upset with myself because I know all of this. I watch many YouTube videos and read about all of this. So from a therapy perspective I know all of it. I just canít move.

Iím paralyzed. I pray to God every night to please grant me a miracle, to build me up where Iíve been torn down and to remove him from my life. To do for me what I canít do for myself. I feel like Iím there where heís saying to get him out but I need strength and courage to finally do it.

The last bad relationship I was in many many years ago, truly the only reason I was able to get away from him was because he went to jail. Otherwise, who knows when I would have gotten him out of my life.

So yes, I need a miracle. I need strength. I need courage.

Iím still praying and I still need encouragement from you all.




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post #296 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-19-2020, 06:44 PM
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Every time you feel good about something with him read the list of all the bad things he has done to you. Keep the list with you and read it often. When we are in this toxic cycle we easily gloss over the bad because we jump so hard onto one tiny piece of good they may do.

Consciously or unconsciously he does good things to you to get you to back off. Read the list every time you lack motivation. The list is the truth, everything else is the fog of the addiction. Pray every time you question yourself and for strength. No matter how small of a step you take, make sure and take a step forward out of this every day.

Ask your landlord to help you. Have that person come and tell your husband the rent did not include another person. Your husband has to leave. Or that there have been complaints because he is loud when he is drunk and needs to leave. It doesn't matter how bizarre it sounds.

You feel stuck because you can't break the cycle. You can't break the cycle because your addicted to him and that addiction blinds you to the bad he has done. Change can't occur if we keep doing the same thing over and over- if you do the same actions you get the same results.

Think of it as literally ripping every fiber of your body apart from him. It grabs, it hurts, it pulls so very hard. If you keep ripping day by day you will free yourself. It is extremely important that no matter how you feel, what good thing you think he does or if you slide backwards some- keep reading the list of bad. Forgetting that list is what holds you back and keeps you stuck by giving you the wrong kind of hope you desperately want.
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post #297 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-19-2020, 06:54 PM
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It's not silly to think if you changed the scenery things might change. Our addictive dependent fog makes us think it's us or the surroundings we are in that is making our spouse do the things they do.

What did you find out? Nope, it's still happening. So what does that tell you? It's him- the pattern is the same. It's not the environment, it's not his ex, it's not just when his daughters are there, it's not just when you think you could have done something different or better. It's HIS pattern , it's who he is. The list will show you the pattern.
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post #298 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-19-2020, 07:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: One foot out the door 😞

Thank you!

I make a list of all past and daily?

He didnít go out tonight so I wonít have a reason to be mad later and tomorrow.

But yes Iím going to make a list. Again, past and daily?


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post #299 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-19-2020, 08:09 PM
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Yes - keep track of the bad. You have to remember, survival sometimes depends on blocking out the bad things. But YOU need them remembered so you can break the cycle and become unstuck.

Being emotional and crying a lot for you is your internal fight going on trying to break free- it's a sign you are breaking free, change is occurring. Keep fighting keep remembering
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post #300 of 310 (permalink) Old 01-20-2020, 10:55 AM
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Re: One foot out the door 😞

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Originally Posted by solost12 View Post
You obviously havenít read all of this. Please donít respond and give advice if you donít know the whole story and I certainly hope you donít think all that Iíve said is ok. Youíre the FIRST and ONLY one here who has put some blame on me. Unreal.


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Ok Iíll be the second one. You are not perfect either. In fact from the way you go on here, Iíd say you also are a lot of hard work. Remember, no one else except yourself can make you happy. You knew your H had kids when you married him. What did you expect he would drop them for you? You have no right to ask that of anyone. You may not want a relationship,with them but itís not right to stop his relationship with them.

He may be a cad as someone said on here but you a e not blameless either. You are both toxic.

The life you have, is the life you create
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