Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments..... - Page 12 - Talk About Marriage
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post #166 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-04-2019, 01:42 PM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

Happy birthday, a little late lol!

Operate under the assumption that you are now broken up, officially. Sorry but after a month of no contact, no other conclusion can be reached. Someone in love doesnt NOT communicate for a month. And someone with a shred of self dignity would not acknowledge them again if they do reach out.


Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #167 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-04-2019, 05:33 PM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....



In fact, let's have a little fun with this. You mentioned a celebrity engagement. He completely and utterly over-reacted and had an abusive meltdown. After a month of the cold shoulder and silent treatment punishing you "for hurting him" (how? by mentioning an engagement?) and saying "he needs time to decide"...he sends you a text:

HIM: "Ummm...hey. Whatcha doing? I've made up my mind."

You: "Oh, I'm having a great evening painting little D&D miniatures for the group of friends that are coming over in an hour to play our weekly game. You made up your mind? About what?"

LOL

Here's another one:

HIM: "Ummm...hey. Whatcha doing? I've made up my mind."

You: "Oh I made up MY mind about 3 days after you stopped talking to me. Have a nice life cuz it won't be with me! Buh BYE!"

LOL

Here's another one:

HIM: "Ummm...hey. Whatcha doing? I've made up my mind."

You: "Remember that outfit you just loved me in? It hugged all my curves and turned you on? Well, I'm burning it because I never want to wear it for you again. Bye now!"

Here's another one:

HIM: "Ummm...hey. Whatcha doing? I've made up my mind."

You: "I've been thinking all month about all the times you abused me, screamed at me, called me names, punished me, and made ME feel guilty because you are an insecure, childish, immature little man. I have made up my mind too. Buh BYE!"

We could go on and on....


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My definition of infidelity is not "How far can I go before I cross the line?" My definition of infidelity is "giving anything less than 100% of your affection, loyalty, and companionship to your spouse."
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post #168 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-04-2019, 07:01 PM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

Oh oh I like this game. First please notice all of the above is him contacting you (NOT you contacting him).

Here's the one I like.

HIM: Hey babe, let get together tonight.

YOU:


(because you don't even know he did it, You've blocked his number and moved on).....
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post #169 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-04-2019, 07:02 PM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

Opps. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
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post #170 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-04-2019, 07:07 PM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

More ideas:

Him: I've decided to give you another chance. Come on over so you can... (of course wanting something from you)

You: I'm not giving you any more chances. We're done.


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post #171 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 08:57 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

he said his phone broke and that is why he did not message.. i am not trying to make excuses for him, just stating what he told me so that you all get a balanced picture..


is this some kind of a psychological thing? being all lovey dovey and then suddenly switching off and behaving like he does not care? i need to understand this because i really want to avoid this type of people in the future...


i do still wish he would return to normal, 4 years of feelings and love can't just be forgotten ... but it seems unlikely (him being normal) weeks have gone by.. i do still love him and it is very hard to forget someone you love...

i have had another therapy session.. the counselor talked about how he could feel that i am challenging what he says and how he could feel "emasculated" and challenged. But what about my feelings? i shall have the freedom to talk without the man taking offense and feeling less like a man and feeling intimidated...
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post #172 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 10:17 AM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by hgcc2 View Post
he said his phone broke and that is why he did not message.. i am not trying to make excuses for him, just stating what he told me so that you all get a balanced picture..

is this some kind of a psychological thing? being all lovey dovey and then suddenly switching off and behaving like he does not care? i need to understand this because i really want to avoid this type of people in the future...
We keep telling you what this is. Over and over we have told you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hgcc2 View Post
i do still wish he would return to normal, 4 years of feelings and love can't just be forgotten ... but it seems unlikely (him being normal) weeks have gone by.. i do still love him and it is very hard to forget someone you love...
You are not understanding this at all. This IS HIS NORMAL. This is what he does and who he is. All the love in the world isnt going to change this fact.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hgcc2 View Post
i have had another therapy session.. the counselor talked about how he could feel that i am challenging what he says and how he could feel "emasculated" and challenged. But what about my feelings? i shall have the freedom to talk without the man taking offense and feeling less like a man and feeling intimidated...
Your counselor is a moron.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #173 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 10:56 AM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by hgcc2 View Post
he said his phone broke and that is why he did not message.. i am not trying to make excuses for him, just stating what he told me so that you all get a balanced picture..


is this some kind of a psychological thing? being all lovey dovey and then suddenly switching off and behaving like he does not care? i need to understand this because i really want to avoid this type of people in the future...


i do still wish he would return to normal, 4 years of feelings and love can't just be forgotten ... but it seems unlikely (him being normal) weeks have gone by.. i do still love him and it is very hard to forget someone you love...

i have had another therapy session.. the counselor talked about how he could feel that i am challenging what he says and how he could feel "emasculated" and challenged. But what about my feelings? i shall have the freedom to talk without the man taking offense and feeling less like a man and feeling intimidated...
He broke his phone ? Really !! Does he have feet to walk on ? Friends with phones
he could use at least to call you. Friends with a car so " Hey my girlfriend is sick and
I want to go take care of her " What about flowers or something ? Places do deliver.
I have sent my wife things overnight when I have been hundreds of miles away. Out
of the country even.

Counselor? Get a new one today. You go to them for help and they say things
like emasculating him and challenging him ? Maybe the counselor in some way
sees that he is a spoiled, selfish, immature little child. You just talk and express
your feelings and he takes offense ? You have every right to do so and keep on
doing so.

You do love him greatly it has shown from the start. It will be hard to forget
and let go, that is understandable. You will never forget but you can move on.
Its not you but him. psychological issue no. Psycho issue and him wanting to
control everything.

Never place anyone on a pedestal it hurts more when they fall off
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post #174 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 11:16 AM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

I recall a similar thread on TAM a couple years back, maybe someone else remembers it and can link to it. But it was also a woman whose partner (husband, in this case) often went silent after disagreements, and she was stuck because she also had a very trivial argument with him and he still wasn't speaking to her a month later.

The thread was very long, over months with the husband ignoring her, and on the few times they had to speak to each other he would say just the bare minimum and completely ignore her otherwise, pretending she wasn't even there. Eventually she moved on with her life, even moved out and the guy still didn't say anything. But after she moved out, he moved another woman in. Apparently he had been talking to a woman on the side and went through this whole process to get rid of his wife, while trying to look blameless, as if she left him, when in fact he had left her by completely checking out of the marriage.
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post #175 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 11:28 AM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

Because he’s finally over it and ready to return to “normal” until the next time you say something he doesn’t like.

You need a different therapist or if the one you have is typical in your culture then I don’t see the benefit of it for you.

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post #176 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 11:55 AM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Theseus View Post
I recall a similar thread on TAM a couple years back, maybe someone else remembers it and can link to it. But it was also a woman whose partner (husband, in this case) often went silent after disagreements, and she was stuck because she also had a very trivial argument with him and he still wasn't speaking to her a month later.

The thread was very long, over months with the husband ignoring her, and on the few times they had to speak to each other he would say just the bare minimum and completely ignore her otherwise, pretending she wasn't even there. Eventually she moved on with her life, even moved out and the guy still didn't say anything. But after she moved out, he moved another woman in. Apparently he had been talking to a woman on the side and went through this whole process to get rid of his wife, while trying to look blameless, as if she left him, when in fact he had left her by completely checking out of the marriage.
I remember her, but don't remember her screen name. He abused her emotionally for years and moved on with the OW as soon as she was out of the house. The poster was very damaged by it all. She had financial problems as a result of the way the divorce was treated.

OP, please consider that your BF may want your relationship to end. Maybe he is punishing you for challenging him (absolutely unacceptable), or perhaps he just wants to move on from your relationship. Either way, he is clearly not the type to give you the respect of an honest conversation.
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post #177 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 12:01 PM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

hgcc2

From reading all of your posts
They may be just words on a page

One thing screams loudly and clearly to me.

You are better than this and better than him.
You deserve more than he can give. Better than him.

Pity this childish person who is losing someone who
loves him with all of her heart, and would forever.

He is an idiot because he cannot see that.

Never place anyone on a pedestal it hurts more when they fall off
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post #178 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 12:29 PM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by hgcc2 View Post
i have had another therapy session.. the counselor talked about how he could feel that i am challenging what he says and how he could feel "emasculated" and challenged. But what about my feelings? i shall have the freedom to talk without the man taking offense and feeling less like a man and feeling intimidated...
Quote:
Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
Your counselor is a moron.
The BF could actually feel intimidated and emasculated whenever she has a different opinion. However, that is no excuse, or reason for OP to stay with him. In fact if he has that issue, it is a good reason for her to ditch him, because that problem is not going away.

OP, your boyfriend is damaged, broken. You cannot fix him, and he doesn't want to be fixed. Let this one go, and find a man who respects women as an equal, rather than being a chauvanist.
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post #179 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 01:24 PM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Adelais View Post
The BF could actually feel intimidated and emasculated whenever she has a different opinion. However, that is no excuse, or reason for OP to stay with him. In fact if he has that issue, it is a good reason for her to ditch him, because that problem is not going away.



OP, your boyfriend is damaged, broken. You cannot fix him, and he doesn't want to be fixed. Let this one go, and find a man who respects women as an equal, rather than being a chauvanist.
Exactly.
If this is how your boyfriend thinks, he's an unhealthy man acting like a child. Four years is nothing compared to the years of life you will waste if you don't cut this off immediately. What you are thinking is called the sunk cost fallacy. Look it up. Rather than sinking more of your life into his bottomless pit of misery, let it go and move into a healthier situation.

There is no hope with him.

Him: My phone was broken.

You: That's not all that's broken. We're finished. Do not contact me again.

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post #180 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 01:33 PM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cynthia View Post

Him: My phone was broken.

You: That's not all that's broken. We're finished. Do not contact me again.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk
Oh, if only she could say something like this to him!

OP, your constantly complaining to him about his treatment of you just tells him that you don't value yourself and that you're going to stick around for a while longer.
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