Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments..... - Page 13 - Talk About Marriage
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post #181 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 04:32 PM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

How did he tell you his phone is broken? With his phone? Did he come over? Why are you still talking to him.

You: I'm sorry your phone was broken. Please do not contact me again.


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post #182 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 04:47 PM
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Build yourself up and walk out that door. Going weeks being distant after an argument is purely manipulative to get his way.

A cool down hour, evening sure! Weeks?

You can do better!
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post #183 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 06:25 PM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

You are not married. If you stay with him this is how your life will be from now on. You will be walking on eggshells every day afraid to say the wrong thing that will make him leave again and ignore you for weeks. This will make you ill. He is very immature and in no way ready to be in any sort of relationship.
Is this the sort of man you want to father your children?
Please stop contacting him, he isn't worth it and you are making it worse. You don't even need to divorce him, just say its over and move on.
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post #184 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 09:29 PM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
You are not married. If you stay with him this is how your life will be from now on. You will be walking on eggshells every day afraid to say the wrong thing that will make him leave again and ignore you for weeks. This will make you ill. He is very immature and in no way ready to be in any sort of relationship.
Is this the sort of man you want to father your children?
Please stop contacting him, he isn't worth it and you are making it worse. You don't even need to divorce him, just say its over and move on.
What @Diana7 is saying is true. Years of his behavior will change you, and not in a good way. You need to love yourself enough to put yourself first and keep him away from you.
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post #185 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 10:19 PM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

You can change yourself only. You can not change him. What exactly do you love about him now--at this time in your life? Do you want a future with someone who acts as he does? What would life be like if you were legally bound to him?

Have you ever seen a mouse play with its prey--batter it back and forth for entertainment? Love involves a deep commitment that includes understanding, forgiving, caring about the other. Self-love is the antithesis.

Why are you reluctant to let him go? What have you done with him that keeps you prisoner?

Have you been abused before in your past? Find support from those that love you. Work on yourself. Build yourself up. Find a different therapist and compare the results.
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post #186 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 10:58 PM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
You are not married. If you stay with him this is how your life will be from now on. You will be walking on eggshells every day afraid to say the wrong thing that will make him leave again and ignore you for weeks. This will make you ill. He is very immature and in no way ready to be in any sort of relationship.
Is this the sort of man you want to father your children?
Please stop contacting him, he isn't worth it and you are making it worse. You don't even need to divorce him, just say its over and move on.
^^This.

Ask yourself this sweetie, what would you advise your daughter to do in this situation? Because make no mistake, we are as valuable and special as our daughters, and deserve to be treated with love and respect just as we want for them x

I told my (step)daughter years ago that when she grows up I hope that she expects her partner to treat her the way her Dad treats me. Not just want that, or desire that, but EXPECT it.
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post #187 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-09-2019, 07:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

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He broke his phone ? Really !! Does he have feet to walk on ? Friends with phones
he could use at least to call you. Friends with a car so " Hey my girlfriend is sick and
I want to go take care of her " What about flowers or something ? Places do deliver.
I have sent my wife things overnight when I have been hundreds of miles away. Out
of the country even.

Counselor? Get a new one today. You go to them for help and they say things
like emasculating him and challenging him ? Maybe the counselor in some way
sees that he is a spoiled, selfish, immature little child. You just talk and express
your feelings and he takes offense ? You have every right to do so and keep on
doing so.

You do love him greatly it has shown from the start. It will be hard to forget
and let go, that is understandable. You will never forget but you can move on.
Its not you but him. psychological issue no. Psycho issue and him wanting to
control everything.


yes.. he used the phone being broken as an excuse...he could have sent me flowers.. in fact he knows i LOVE flowers and that would have made me feel happy and loved... and yet he did not give me a gift/flowers/card.. if he didn't have money, i would be totally ok with not receiving anything... but he has money and yet choose not to gift me anything.


i do feel the counselor is not concerned about my viewpoint or what i am going through
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post #188 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-09-2019, 07:57 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

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Originally Posted by Theseus View Post
I recall a similar thread on TAM a couple years back, maybe someone else remembers it and can link to it. But it was also a woman whose partner (husband, in this case) often went silent after disagreements, and she was stuck because she also had a very trivial argument with him and he still wasn't speaking to her a month later.

.
i wish i could find that thread... it will be helpful
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post #189 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-09-2019, 07:59 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

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Originally Posted by Anastasia6 View Post
How did he tell you his phone is broken? With his phone? Did he come over? Why are you still talking to him.
he told me when we met at work..
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post #190 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-09-2019, 08:04 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
You are not married. If you stay with him this is how your life will be from now on. You will be walking on eggshells every day afraid to say the wrong thing that will make him leave again and ignore you for weeks. This will make you ill. He is very immature and in no way ready to be in any sort of relationship.
Is this the sort of man you want to father your children?
Please stop contacting him, he isn't worth it and you are making it worse. You don't even need to divorce him, just say its over and move on.
i already have a fear in the back of my mind ... "if i say this (something i want to say) will he be distant? so i feel like i don't have the freedom to speak. in fact his ex has told him "i am afraid to talk with you"

i wish i had the trust -"i can say this, he won't be distant"-
and
i wish i had safety -"he won't be distant, i am free to speak"- i would love to feel that trust and safety.

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post #191 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-09-2019, 08:12 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

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Originally Posted by sunsetmist View Post
You can change yourself only. You can not change him. What exactly do you love about him now--at this time in your life? Do you want a future with someone who acts as he does? no.. i want a loving relationship where we can have arguments but can also have the trust that we won't leave each other after an argument and we are free to speak and we will bounce back to normal after a reasonable time



Why are you reluctant to let him go? What have you done with him that keeps you prisoner?

Have you been abused before in your past? Find support from those that love you. Work on yourself. Build yourself up. Find a different therapist and compare the results.
i guess i keep hoping that things will change...i keep thinking about him.. when i start to eat , i remember him..i think "has he eaten" that kind of connection was there before...so it is hard to forget... even when i go to bed to sleep at night i think about him... i think about how he used to send me good night sweetheart.. i then wonder wow how can he hurt me like this (i know he does not care and that is why he is hurting me by being distant.) but sometimes your heart and brain are on two different pages....
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post #192 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-09-2019, 08:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

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^^This.

Ask yourself this sweetie, what would you advise your daughter to do in this situation? Because make no mistake, we are as valuable and special as our daughters, and deserve to be treated with love and respect just as we want for them x

I told my (step)daughter years ago that when she grows up I hope that she expects her partner to treat her the way her Dad treats me. Not just want that, or desire that, but EXPECT it.
thank you, this brought tears to my eyes.. your step daughter is lucky..
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post #193 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-09-2019, 08:18 AM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

You are addicted to him, and you're having normal withdrawl symptoms. Stay zero contact. Eventually your heart will catch up with your brain.

Can you find your indignation? That will speed up your recovery.

Can you begin to say to yourself, "How dare he treat me like that! I don't deserve that! How dare he!"
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post #194 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-24-2019, 05:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

On Nov 10th, met him at work and he told me that he will not get his phone repaired until Dec 20th ... he has an exam on Dec 20th and he said he will repair the phone after that. that made it clear to me that he does not want to talk with me and he does not care about me.


i have been surviving.. but the pain is so incredible that sometimes it hits me so hard.. i have had a marriage broken before... i don't like talking about it.. but... i will say this. after my ex husband left me i loss the faith about love and men. i thought i will never love again... and then i met this guy and he made me believe in love again... and now him doing this to me... it hurts so much... i keep thinking how can he hurt me like this... i am in a bad place. i have changed the counselor though..
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post #195 of 201 (permalink) Old 11-24-2019, 12:26 PM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

Please stop asking the question of how and why can he do this. Itís not productive and keeping you stuck, and it really doesnít matter. There is no how, this is just who he is and what he does. Period. Iím sorry youíre hurting but just be damn glad you didnít marry this ass and are free to just move forward.



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