Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments..... - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
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post #91 of 201 (permalink) Old 10-21-2019, 09:32 AM
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You are really setting yourself up for heartache. You can’t change him. He doesn’t want to change. The reasons for him being the way he is are irrelevant. What matters is you don’t feel,happy,respected or valued. His behavior is unacceptable period-the end. Don’t make excuses for him. The only hope you have at this point is to break it off and maybe that will jolt him into seeing the light. But honestly this isn’t going to be easy for him to change. He would have to see it, want to change it and be willing to put in a lot of work. You would need to be strong and make changes as well- holding him and yourself accountable and not allowing yourself to be treated in this way.

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post #92 of 201 (permalink) Old 10-21-2019, 09:55 AM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

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At this point he has stopped replying to you or reaching out over a discussion about a celebrity engagement? I would NOT reach out to him ever again. He is bad news!! What's going to happen when you have a real argument or disagreement about something that is important? Nope, his behavior is not normal and he is giving you the perfect chance to escape his madness. Consider yourself broken up at this point and move on with your life. Find someone who can handle a disagreement without emotionally blackmailing you into agreeing with him and apologizing for having your own opinion about things.
At this risk of repeating myself, I'm going to repeat myself. The above still stands. He has a problem, a big problem, that he has no intention of fixing. He likes himself the way he is...the problem is that the way he is is very unhealthy for you and your relationship. You're avoiding everyday normal topics on the chance that they might upset him. That is NO way to live.

Please please get some counseling for yourself so you can learn how unhealthy this is and that you are worth SO much more than this crap. The good times with him will not make up for all this **** after a few years of marriage...trust me on this one please.
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post #93 of 201 (permalink) Old 10-21-2019, 10:40 AM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

You twist yourself into a pretzel to accommodate him, to understand him, to communicate with him.

What does he do? He punishes you for whatever sins he feels you committed.

You seem determined to stay with this man, so you should know that this will not get better without some deep therapy.

He is very sure of you. He knows that he can manipulate you to accommodate him. He is passive-aggressive and you bite every time. The silent treatment is abuse

Yet, you want to marry this behavior. It won't get better. It will only get worse. He clearly only cares about his own feelings and thinks he has a right to demand that you respect his feelings, but he doesn't have to respect yours.

Maybe his childhood was filled with punishment for not agreeing with everything. If so, that's his problem. This is a modern world in which women don't have to follow their husbands in everything. If you marry him, you will be a throwback. And a very unhappy one.
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post #94 of 201 (permalink) Old 10-21-2019, 10:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

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Is there any book he can get and read which explains this problem he is having and how it is painful to the other person and how it could be changed and conflicts better managed? i think he will be open to that... (reading a book) even though he says he cant go to therapy
i spoke with him about this today and he said he is open to reading..



on a side note, even though i repeatedly said I'm not a boring woman who only knows about job and kids,I like reading the news, that is no reason to be mad at me for a month right...?
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post #95 of 201 (permalink) Old 10-21-2019, 10:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

i do feel like any attempt to improve the situation won't work... but because i have been with him for 4 years without any problem except this one, i do feel that i shall try my best before i give up... i am just sad that the person who says he loves me can knowingly and intentionally hurt me like this. i have explained to him very kindly and calmly that it hurts me when he behaves like this...
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post #96 of 201 (permalink) Old 10-21-2019, 10:56 AM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

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i spoke with him about this today and he said he is open to reading..



on a side note, even though i repeatedly said I'm not a boring woman who only knows about job and kids,I like reading the news, that is no reason to be mad at me for a month right...?
I'd run screaming from any man who was mad at me for staying informed about what's going on in the world. It means he wants you isolated and dependent on him for everything, including your opinions. If he hasn't yet, he will soon start to get angry if you want to spend time with your friends or even family. That's a very dangerous man to be with...I can't stress it enough. Been there, done that...got no T shirt...all I got were a **** ton of emotional scars.
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post #97 of 201 (permalink) Old 10-21-2019, 11:05 AM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

From Psychology Today:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...ive-aggressive

If you see your relationship in many/most of the points in the article, it is something that you can give him to read. He will likely reject the analysis....
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post #98 of 201 (permalink) Old 10-21-2019, 12:34 PM
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You are the only one trying to keep the relationship together and deal with the problem at all costs- mainly at your cost and detriment. You say it’s just one problem but it’s a huge one and it affects many things. It’s bigger than you seem to recognize. You are seriously minimizing. If keeping your relationship together means you walk on eggshells and keep your mouth shut to keep the peace then you don’t have anything worth holding onto.

He may read the article- he’s throwing you a crumb. It doesn’t really mean anything. It’s been four years. How many more years of your life do you want to waste?
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post #99 of 201 (permalink) Old 10-21-2019, 12:39 PM
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post #100 of 201 (permalink) Old 10-21-2019, 12:42 PM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

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Originally Posted by hgcc2 View Post
i spoke with him about this today and he said he is open to reading..



on a side note, even though i repeatedly said I'm not a boring woman who only knows about job and kids,I like reading the news, that is no reason to be mad at me for a month right...?
SO, WHO GETS into an argument about what celebrities do? He should of just said, well that's nice for them and be done. WHY is he so offended by this? It's just a comment -- why did he feel that he had to die on that particular hill and make such a big deal about it? Why did that trigger him?

Seems to me that the "that's nice" would have been sufficient, even if he HATED that person (or, he could of said, well I don't really care because I don't like them...). Why the blow out for this?

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post #101 of 201 (permalink) Old 10-21-2019, 01:35 PM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

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SO, WHO GETS into an argument about what celebrities do? He should of just said, well that's nice for them and be done. WHY is he so offended by this? It's just a comment -- why did he feel that he had to die on that particular hill and make such a big deal about it? Why did that trigger him?

Seems to me that the "that's nice" would have been sufficient, even if he HATED that person (or, he could of said, well I don't really care because I don't like them...). Why the blow out for this?
Couldn't agree more. That the argument is about celebrities is absolutely asinine and completely crazy. Imagine when something of import is discussed.

@hgcc2 you say it's just this one problem you have in the relationship. That's like saying, I have a head wound, I'm bleeding out, my brains are coming out of my skull, but the rest of me is okay!!

Your "boyfriend" is a right-fighter drama queen who likes to make you grovel at his feet.

He has shown you in no uncertain terms who he is. If you follow through with this charade of a relationship, you will get exactly what you've been getting--nothing but misery. You are going in with your eyes wide open. You cannot and will not change him. And I never say this, but if you continue with this farce, you've lost all right to complain.
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post #102 of 201 (permalink) Old 10-21-2019, 01:40 PM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

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He has shown you in no uncertain terms who he is. If you follow through with this charade of a relationship, you will get exactly what you've been getting--nothing but misery. You are going in with your eyes wide open. You cannot and will not change him. And I never say this, but if you continue with this farce, you've lost all right to complain.
THIS.

You are settling. You just want to be married, I think. If you marry this man, you are going to be very sorry, very early in.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #103 of 201 (permalink) Old 10-21-2019, 02:15 PM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

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Originally Posted by hgcc2 View Post
i spoke with him about this today and he said he is open to reading..



on a side note, even though i repeatedly said I'm not a boring woman who only knows about job and kids,I like reading the news, that is no reason to be mad at me for a month right...?
Stop. Please, just stop.

There is only one person in this relationship that has a problem, and that one person is you. You’re attempting to fix him. You can’t. Don’t give him stuff to read. Don’t give him things to do. That’s what you’ve been doing for a long time, and it’s not working.

Instead, focus on the problem you have: you aren’t happy in this relationship, and are thinking of leaving as a consequence. That is your problem, and that is your solution to your problem if it doesn’t change.

All giving him stuff to read and things to think about does is let him know that the clock hasn’t run out yet, and isn’t going to any time soon. It just enables him to keep doing what he has been doing... and kicks the can down the road.

You need to act. For your own sake. Instead of inventing solutions to a problem that he doesn’t think he has.
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post #104 of 201 (permalink) Old 10-21-2019, 03:34 PM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

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Originally Posted by hgcc2 View Post
i do feel like any attempt to improve the situation won't work... but because i have been with him for 4 years without any problem except this one, i do feel that i shall try my best before i give up... i am just sad that the person who says he loves me can knowingly and intentionally hurt me like this. i have explained to him very kindly and calmly that it hurts me when he behaves like this...
As per the previous posts, you will not change him. The only time he will change is when he feels he should/needs change. You may only get that when you actively start looking to live elsewhere minus his presence.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #105 of 201 (permalink) Old 10-21-2019, 04:51 PM
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Re: Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....

30 years old and still acting like this? Coming from a guy myself that is extremely childish. Now I understand the whole 30 maybe 45 mins of silence or going for a walk or ride to gather thoughts but how much time does he really need to waste on things like this? He’s stuck in his own ways and you shouldn’t be the one to try and force him to change because he’s a big boy now. Let him go and see what other woman puts up with that non sense.
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