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post #16 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-27-2019, 08:15 PM
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Re: 3 years of marriage - no sex already!

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Originally Posted by NorseViking View Post
You will only set your value to your husband to zero if you cheat.
He might be asexual.
Google it!

"asexual individuals may still experience attraction
but this attraction doesn't need to be realized in any sexual manner"
I agree with this. Look up asexual on Wikipedia and go from there.

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post #17 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-27-2019, 10:07 PM
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Re: 3 years of marriage - no sex already!

He is probably taking care of business in the shower or with porn. He is just not willing to tell you. Trust your gut. No sex after 4 years is not normal for a healthy man with normal testosterone levels.

You have more problems than just no sex, you just don't know what they are yet, because like the sex issue, he is hiding his real life from you.

My first husband withheld sex because he had an STD he didn't want to give me. I had no idea, I just felt rejected.

My second husban withheld sex because he didn't want the emotional connection. He's working on that, but I don't trust or need him anymore after being held at arm's length for so many years.

Your husband is not asexual. He is hiding something from you.
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post #18 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-28-2019, 12:38 AM
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Re: 3 years of marriage - no sex already!

This is exactly how it was in my marriage!

My ex-husband was very good at hiding who he really was, so I didn't even learn about the pornography until the end of our marriage.

I was the one always trying to fix the lack of sex, and he was the one blocking any sort of progress.


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He is probably taking care of business in the shower or with porn. He is just not willing to tell you. Trust your gut. No sex after 4 years is not normal for a healthy man with normal testosterone levels.

You have more problems than just no sex, you just don't know what they are yet, because like the sex issue, he is hiding his real life from you.

My first husband withheld sex because he had an STD he didn't want to give me. I had no idea, I just felt rejected.

My second husban withheld sex because he didn't want the emotional connection. He's working on that, but I don't trust or need him anymore after being held at arm's length for so many years.

Your husband is not asexual. He is hiding something from you.

Last edited by minimalME; 10-28-2019 at 01:11 AM.
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post #19 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-28-2019, 01:59 AM
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Re: 3 years of marriage - no sex already!

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This is exactly how it was in my marriage!

My ex-husband was very good at hiding who he really was, so I didn't even learn about the pornography until the end of our marriage.

I was the one always trying to fix the lack of sex, and he was the one blocking any sort of progress.
Just like my marriage, too.

OP, we're not making your thread about us and our stuff. We are examples that you can learn from. It's likely not just sex--it's likely a symptom of a larger problem in your marriage.

And that's why he is refusing counseling, because he knows that counseling will unearth whatever that problem is.

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post #20 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-28-2019, 02:14 AM
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Re: 3 years of marriage - no sex already!

Agreed.

My ex-husband was very much like you've described yours in your opening post, and yet he was very passive aggressive. Once we were separated and divorced, he became much more openly aggressive.


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OP, we're not making your thread about us and our stuff. We are examples that you can learn from. It's likely not just sex--it's likely a symptom of a larger problem in your marriage.
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post #21 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-28-2019, 02:14 AM
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Re: 3 years of marriage - no sex already!

What was your sex life with him like when you were dating?
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post #22 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-28-2019, 02:29 AM
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Re: 3 years of marriage - no sex already!

The porn thing is coming up on a few post. I'm not commenting on any persons view point of porn but I'll just say that yes I watch porn but it has never changed my wanting of my wife.
With that in mind I would say it is possible that it is not a direct cause ..... but there are also others here who have had the opposite experience.

Yes I realize my above post helps none at all ..... just throwing it out there.
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post #23 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-28-2019, 09:07 AM
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Re: 3 years of marriage - no sex already!

Talk, talk, talk. Won't get a thing. You married a dud in the sex department. That's not gonna Change.
Dump him or life with it. That's your options.
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post #24 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-28-2019, 09:16 AM
 
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Re: 3 years of marriage - no sex already!

My first thought: PORN.

https://dadstartingover.com/porn/

So many guys have a VERY real problem with pornography. The whole pleasure-seeking/sex wiring in the brain is short-circuited. The wife cannot compete with the super quick "Hunched in front of the computer for three minutes" type of drug that is pornography. For a lot of men, the whole mating game act of dating, real intimacy, foreplay, etc... it's just too much. They have one little bout of ED and they get scared off and go back to their reliable porn cave.


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post #25 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-28-2019, 10:56 AM
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Re: 3 years of marriage - no sex already!

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My first thought: PORN.



https://dadstartingover.com/porn/



So many guys have a VERY real problem with pornography. The whole pleasure-seeking/sex wiring in the brain is short-circuited. The wife cannot compete with the super quick "Hunched in front of the computer for three minutes" type of drug that is pornography. For a lot of men, the whole mating game act of dating, real intimacy, foreplay, etc... it's just too much. They have one little bout of ED and they get scared off and go back to their reliable porn cave.
You have a very good point.

However, you should know that the mods here don't like self-promotion on the boards, and if you keep posting links to your own blog, you will be banned.

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post #26 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-28-2019, 11:21 AM
 
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Re: 3 years of marriage - no sex already!

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You have a very good point.

However, you should know that the mods here don't like self-promotion on the boards, and if you keep posting links to your own blog, you will be banned.

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post #27 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-28-2019, 11:38 AM
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Re: 3 years of marriage - no sex already!

@dadstartingover is a registered vendor with VS.





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post #28 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-28-2019, 11:44 AM
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Re: 3 years of marriage - no sex already!

Are you 100% SURE he isnt cheating? Have you done the detective work to verify?

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #29 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-28-2019, 01:10 PM
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Re: 3 years of marriage - no sex already!

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@dadstartingover is a registered vendor with VS
Ok, that's cool, then

(And BTW, please don't take my post to be a comment in your content. Your content is good. I've read your stuff before.)

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post #30 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-28-2019, 02:07 PM
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Re: 3 years of marriage - no sex already!

“Husband when I married you, I didn’t take a vow of celibacy. We can either start having sex, or I start having sex with someone else while we stay married and you’ll be ok with that, or I start having sex with someone else because we’ll be divorced. I want the first one, but if I don’t see consistent improvement, I’m picking one of the other two.”

Then let him pick. If he doesn’t, divorce.

Don’t dance around this.
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