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post #1 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-30-2019, 08:34 PM Thread Starter
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Hope to get the thoughts out of your head

With my wife our love making was out of this world amazing, everytime! Since we have seperated she has a new guy that she has slept with. I can't get the thoughts out of my head of her giving him all she gave me. No matter how hard I try the thoughts come back. I try my hardest to block them out and they just come up randomly. It is the most miserable feeling knowing my wife could so easily go **** another guy and leave me in the dust like I was nothing to her. What have others who have experienced this situation done to get these thoughts away. I stay busy at work and they randomly pop up.

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post #2 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-30-2019, 10:11 PM
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Re: Hope to get the thoughts out of your head

I'm sorry that you're having a hard time with this, but it is part of a normal progression - and it WILL get better. I assume she left you, so she has already let go and moved on - it's much easier when you are the leaver. Much harder when you're the one left, especially if it's unexpected. As you say, keeping busy is the best thing to do for now. Eventually, you'll be able to consider dating, and then you'll find yourself moving on and healing as you focus on new people.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #3 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-30-2019, 10:15 PM
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Re: Hope to get the thoughts out of your head

The only good path is to cut off all unnecessary contact excerpt the bare minimum of what's needed. Time will fix the rest.

Never answer a phone call, text or email and before any responses (short one word answers if possible) think first. Does it need a response? Learn to ignore.
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post #4 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-31-2019, 08:37 AM
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Re: Hope to get the thoughts out of your head

I read books.
I woke up to the truth.
I was no longer Mr. Nice Guy.
The movies in my head disappeared as soon as I started understanding my wife's TRUE nature.
Read "The Rational Male" and "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
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post #5 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-31-2019, 08:44 AM
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Re: Hope to get the thoughts out of your head

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Originally Posted by NeverGoingBack View Post
With my wife our love making was out of this world amazing, everytime! Since we have seperated she has a new guy that she has slept with. I can't get the thoughts out of my head of her giving him all she gave me. No matter how hard I try the thoughts come back. I try my hardest to block them out and they just come up randomly. It is the most miserable feeling knowing my wife could so easily go **** another guy and leave me in the dust like I was nothing to her. What have others who have experienced this situation done to get these thoughts away. I stay busy at work and they randomly pop up.
Yes said already detachment of your mind, in the way of thinking of a great moment in your life where you controlled the out come ( not to include her ). It's a loss of control and failure we as men find most difficult to deal with because we can not change the outcome.

Men it's said to dwell longer in loss, you need to Compartmentalize it's loss as a life lesson learned in a way you may have wrecked your first car. Or in a way you just think meme... I had her and now l see where I really was in her life at the bottom. Now l say this only to help you cope and do not take away from you part of your failed marriage.

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.

Last edited by EleGirl; 11-02-2019 at 02:23 AM.
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post #6 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-31-2019, 11:45 AM
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Re: Hope to get the thoughts out of your head

Around here what you refer to is called: Mind Movies. It is very common and exist in all circumstances like yours.

Here is a little story:

A couple we know gets a divorce. Ex-husband is crippled by mind movies for years ..... he struggles very badly.

Years later he finds out the new lover was horrible in bed with his ex-wife. He even finds out he had a tiny tool ........

Lesson Learned: He is not the Thor your brain has made him to be. Don't let your mind create a truth that does not exist.

Yes he is nailing her ...... but perhaps never as good as you did.


Remember what I told you about "reality". Adjustment is tough .... it's normal.....it takes time. Your doing better than you think .......keep going.
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post #7 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-31-2019, 01:15 PM
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Re: Hope to get the thoughts out of your head

I will tell you something my IC told me that helped me in a similar situation. She said that the intrusive thoughts will come. You have no power over whether or not they will come. You do decide how long to let them linger.

So when they come, you have to be aware, on alert, and instantly shut them down. Once you are conscious that the thoughts are beginning to play out, you shut it down. Immediately. No dwelling on them. No letting them play out. This you can control. The more you do this the better at it you will become and the less often the thoughts will come at all.

There is a saying, pain is unavoidable, suffering is optional. You will feel pain, lots of it, often, and for a long time. But dwelling on these thoughts is suffering. You don't have to do that.

Of course, as other have suggested, it is important to cut all contact with your wife. Regardless of residual feelings you have for her. Regardless of some tangential benefits you may draw from remaining in contact. Your best course of action is to shut her out 100%. Not out of spite or anger but out of self protection. You can tell her that and ask her to respect that you need this. Then enforce it whether or not she cooperates.
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post #8 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-31-2019, 03:52 PM
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Sorry that you are going through this. Thoughts like have gone through my mind as well with my STBXW but a good friend told me something that helped.me get past it.
"You can spend the rest of your life wondering what c*ck she is riding now or you can pull yourself up and start living your own life"
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post #9 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-31-2019, 07:34 PM
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Re: Hope to get the thoughts out of your head

Hi NeverGoingBack, there's not much to go on here. Can you give us some background such as, what led to the separation and if you are divorcing?

Last edited by EleGirl; 11-02-2019 at 02:23 AM.
post #10 of 81 (permalink) Old 11-01-2019, 12:16 AM
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Re: Hope to get the thoughts out of your head

I think I am missing the infidelity angle here.

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post #11 of 81 (permalink) Old 11-01-2019, 01:36 AM
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Re: Hope to get the thoughts out of your head

Continue to detach. It takes time but you will get over it.

You hear all the time that the BS has to eat a **** sandwich, but most of the time the WS -- IS the **** sandwich.
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post #12 of 81 (permalink) Old 11-01-2019, 10:50 AM
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Re: Hope to get the thoughts out of your head

The other thing is, only the positive good thoughts pop up in our heads and it makes us half a false sense of what the relationship was like. There was a lot of negative things in your marriage, you guys fought all the rime. She is not as good as you think she is. Remember that your mind is playing a trick on you.

And whatever you do, do NOT dwell in your sadness. Make plans for the future so you have something to look forward to and get excited about.
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post #13 of 81 (permalink) Old 11-17-2019, 11:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Hope to get the thoughts out of your head

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I think I am missing the infidelity angle here.
The infidelity angle was we were together almost 10yrs, married almost 2. We were having some issues and she left to go stay with her family while we figured things out. During her time there we still acted very much like husband and wife. A week before I found out about this guy she was texting me ideas about renewing our vows and starting over fresh. Idea sounded great to me and I was all on board. Next thing I know I get a fb request from a guy much younger and I have no common friends with him but my wife and one other girl who she works with. I question her about it,she plays dumb. I ask how I know him I get no response. I guess he was being nosy seeing if we were really done as I'm sure that's what she was telling him as she was telling me she wanted to renew our vows. Next thing I know she is saying she is done that we have let our marriage go to far and I knew at that point she was ****ing him. She later admitted that they were dating and had slept together. I have now found out he had prior charges and is now in jail. This was her excuse that once they found out he was going to jail and was going to be there for a while things just "starting moving very quickly". Before I knew this I offered her to come back and try MC and that we could both work on fixing our communication issues which were our biggest problem. She hates where she lives but still declined to come home and has made it clear that he isn't going anywhere. I just can't believe she has left me for a guy in his mid 20s with tons of charges and nothing going for him. He will never be able to provide for her and I don't want him around my children upon his release. She doesn't even know this guy. She may have known him a month at best before he went to jail. Talk about a blow to my self esteem holy ****!
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post #14 of 81 (permalink) Old 11-17-2019, 11:39 PM
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Re: Hope to get the thoughts out of your head

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Originally Posted by NeverGoingBack View Post
The infidelity angle was we were together almost 10yrs, married almost 2. We were having some issues and she left to go stay with her family while we figured things out. During her time there we still acted very much like husband and wife. A week before I found out about this guy she was texting me ideas about renewing our vows and starting over fresh. Idea sounded great to me and I was all on board. Next thing I know I get a fb request from a guy much younger and I have no common friends with him but my wife and one other girl who she works with. I question her about it,she plays dumb. I ask how I know him I get no response. I guess he was being nosy seeing if we were really done as I'm sure that's what she was telling him as she was telling me she wanted to renew our vows. Next thing I know she is saying she is done that we have let our marriage go to far and I knew at that point she was ****ing him. She later admitted that they were dating and had slept together. I have now found out he had prior charges and is now in jail. This was her excuse that once they found out he was going to jail and was going to be there for a while things just "starting moving very quickly". Before I knew this I offered her to come back and try MC and that we could both work on fixing our communication issues which were our biggest problem. She hates where she lives but still declined to come home and has made it clear that he isn't going anywhere. I just can't believe she has left me for a guy in his mid 20s with tons of charges and nothing going for him. He will never be able to provide for her and I don't want him around my children upon his release. She doesn't even know this guy. She may have known him a month at best before he went to jail. Talk about a blow to my self esteem holy ****!

There's two kinds of separation. One in which the goal is to save the marriage, and the couple need a little space to "reset"; that's often true if some issues about living together loom large in the problems the couple have. Then, the separation allows the couple to repair their relationship before tackling the cohabitation issues. In such a situation, because the goal is to save the marriage, there should be NO DATING/INVOLVEMENT with other people.

The other kind of separation is the step required during the divorce process. Some jurisdictions require a time of separation before the legal divorce can happen. But the key point is that there is no intention of repairing the marriage. It's over and done with, the separation is just part of the divorce process.

It seems like your wife was promising you the first kind of separation while actually living the second kind. That's why this truly IS an act of infidelity. That's why you feel like so many of the guys who were cheated on. You are essentially having the equivalent of the "mind movies" that so many betrayed men feel. You should take advice from them, read their threads, and see what options there are for coping (it's clearly very tough).

If there is a good side to this all, it's the fact that she cheated on you with such a loser. Their relationship will go nowhere fast, especially with him in jail. That means you'll come out much better on the other side. Just read some of the threads of betrayed men whose wives cheated on them with massive losers. It always turns about badly for the wives, and the guys invariably realize how much better off they are without their cheating wives.
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post #15 of 81 (permalink) Old 11-17-2019, 11:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Hope to get the thoughts out of your head

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Hi NeverGoingBack, there's not much to go on here. Can you give us some background such as, what led to the separation and if you are divorcing?

What led to the separation was just little fights that every couple has. Only with her when we get into an argument she runs. This is what she has always done and had admitted numerous times she needed to work on stopping doing. She would leave, go to where she is staying now and return the next morning. Things would basically get swept under the rug. Eventually things just continued to build up. She would always be in a bad mood, want to sleep all the time and would make rude comments which would start an argument. I wasn't perfect. I will take my half of the problems as there were times I would not even want to come home because I knew she was going to be in these moods and an argument would start so I would already come in guarded and distance myself. She likes to be loud and argue, I'm the opposite I shut down and isolate. This in turn made her feel like I didn't care about her anymore even though I made it clear to her numerous times how much in love with her I still was. One day I finally snapped and said that maybe she should just leave and we should divorce. Now I know never to throw the divorce card out there unless you mean it but at the time I had really had about all I could take. What I really meant was I just needed some time to cool off and should have left myself for a few hours came home and talked things out rather than kept her in the routine of running to her families house. I regret saying that but we had even talked about it and I let her know that I didn't mean it and having her home was what I wanted more than anything. She said that home didn't feel like home to her anymore that she felt like an unwanted guest there and basically put all the problems on me. Really the problem was she was suffering from anxiety and ptsd which she has struggled with since a child. I have very good insurance and begged her to go see a Dr. but she would just procrastinate on it. She has a lot of issues that stem from child hood trauma and we had very deep conversations about it and I let her know that I would always protect her. I just wish she would have got the help she needed and I feel we would have been fine. Like I said I am far from perfect myself and I would have absolutely agreed to MC or IC and even offered the MC. She says that she is still in love with me and always will be that we had something very special but she just can't live that way anymore. She also has no problem as my wife throwing in my face that she has a bf that isn't going anywhere. This past week I have focused on no contact unless about our childrens schedule and ignored texts that didn't pertain to that. I just took our marriage so serious. I never expected to be here writing this and us divorced. Usually at this time I would be in bed cuddled up sleeping next to her. I just miss her so much but can't get over what she has done. When these scenes start to play out in my head I have panic attacks. My hands clinch up and I just start to lose it. It usually happens in the morning or late at night. I have been taking xanax which is know is a dangerous road but without them I really think I would lose my sanity sometimes. Not even with the scenes that play out but just the loss of my wife who was also my best friend for the last decade. I am having so much trouble moving on but doing best to keep moving forward. I know I need to go ahead and file for divorce. she has made her decision and I can't change that and could never get my trust back or not resent her for what has happened. I just feel like this is a nightmare I'm waiting to wake up from. None of it seems real.
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