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post #31 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-03-2019, 05:05 PM
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Re: Need opinions on bringing up the past

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… I fell in love with her and and was hoping things would change.
Uh, no. Just. No. This isn't what "in love" is all about. You weren't hoping "things" would change; you wanted HER to change. But you love her. Again, no. This could be a helluva case of lust and a good time, but it's not love. Not in the mature sense of the word at all.

Once the feel-good "in love" feelings die down, you are going to see what she's really about. I sure hope you don't make the mistake of marrying this woman. She has at one least issue you've brought up. And that issue is downright unattractive. Seriously.


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post #32 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-03-2019, 05:06 PM
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Would it matter if there was infidelity in either past? Nothing about this is normal behavior for a mature human being even if said human being had been cheated on. This woman is all upset and spewing drama because her BF's friend said that her BF's ex-wife once said years ago that he "gawks" at attractive women. Gawks. Not approaches or tries in any way to interact with.
I think it would matter if for example OP had cheated on his wife with his girlfriend or he had a history of cheating in the past. It could cause suspicion on her part. That's why I asked.
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post #33 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-03-2019, 05:31 PM
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Re: Need opinions on bringing up the past

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I think it would matter if for example OP had cheated on his wife with his girlfriend or he had a history of cheating in the past. It could cause suspicion on her part. That's why I asked.
If a rumor that he hard looked at particularly attractive women is enough to make her suspicious she's paranoid, at best.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #34 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-03-2019, 05:36 PM
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I think it would matter if for example OP had cheated on his wife with his girlfriend or he had a history of cheating in the past. It could cause suspicion on her part. That's why I asked.
If a rumor that he hard looked at particularly attractive women is enough to make her suspicious she's paranoid, at best.
OR, she was already suspicious (possibly due to the reasons I mentioned regarding history) and she was looking to confirm those suspicions. Either way, it doesn't matter since the OP said they do no have a history of infidelity between them.
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post #35 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-03-2019, 05:42 PM Thread Starter
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Love how you all tell it like it is. Sometimes I just need to hear what I already knew.
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post #36 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-03-2019, 05:47 PM
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Re: Need opinions on bringing up the past

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OR, she was already suspicious (possibly due to the reasons I mentioned regarding history) and she was looking to confirm those suspicions. Either way, it doesn't matter since the OP said they do no have a history of infidelity between them.
To keep things in reasonable perspective, if there was infidelity and she had suspicions he was at it again merely looking at women on the street isn't any kind of confirmation of anything other than he's a heterosexual male with a pulse and functioning eyeballs. Approaching and interacting with attractive women he's noticed would be a different story. Merely looking at them? No.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #37 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-03-2019, 06:28 PM
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Re: Need opinions on bringing up the past

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Don't try to fix her, you didn't cause the damage so it's not your problem to fix. Secure your bunnies and dump her.
This would really offend me and I'd probably dump her too. But I think you can try to help someone w/ a problem that isn't your fault if you feel like it, but then only if they want help.
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post #38 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-04-2019, 10:21 AM Thread Starter
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I fell in love for the right reasons. We have a lot in common, get along great, have similar goals in life, and have a lot of fun together. She is a soccer coach, athletic, and good mother. She just investigates all the time and it is really draining. I've talked to her about it, but she thinks it's her right to do it. I am a 100% faithful person to who I'm with and I was hoping things would change and she would see that. I dont gawk, but i do notice once in a while. I've seen her do the same exact thing.
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post #39 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-04-2019, 10:44 AM
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Re: Need opinions on bringing up the past

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I fell in love for the right reasons. We have a lot in common, get along great, have similar goals in life, and have a lot of fun together. She is a soccer coach, athletic, and good mother. She just investigates all the time and it is really draining. I've talked to her about it, but she thinks it's her right to do it. I am a 100% faithful person to who I'm with and I was hoping things would change and she would see that. I dont gawk, but i do notice once in a while. I've seen her do the same exact thing.
Didn't you have trouble letting your Ex go? There were issues there, were there not?

Look, 3 things to do or end the relationship...

1) BOTH of you need to learn how to communicate. BOTH. You guys are 36, it is way past time for this to happen individually and as a couple.

2) Learn to handle your temper, in general. Your "Reaction" is really the problem.

3) For ex, explaining to her, that me look at women, and it is natural, would be a good starting place. You need to not be defensive and calmly explain how you feel.

Or get out of this relationship and start a new one...

My GF called me out about looking a women one day, I calmly told her that she needed to worry when I did not look at woman, and I dropped it and did not speak about it again.

Either, get this stuff figured out, or look forward to a life of drama and misery...
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post #40 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-04-2019, 10:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Sweeny View Post
I fell in love for the right reasons. We have a lot in common, get along great, have similar goals in life, and have a lot of fun together. She is a soccer coach, athletic, and good mother. She just investigates all the time and it is really draining. I've talked to her about it, but she thinks it's her right to do it. I am a 100% faithful person to who I'm with and I was hoping things would change and she would see that. I dont gawk, but i do notice once in a while. I've seen her do the same exact thing.
No one is perfect. We all have pros and cons. You need to weigh all of the pros you mentioned (sharing common interests and values, her being a good mother and fit/attractive) against her quirks.

People rarely change. If her good qualities do not make it worthwhile to put up with the bad, then you need to end this relationship so you can try to find someone with whom you can be completely happy.

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post #41 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-04-2019, 11:04 AM
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Cool Re: Need opinions on bringing up the past

Only if it has a direct correlation on what is going on at present!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #42 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-04-2019, 11:10 AM
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Re: Need opinions on bringing up the past

You need to run / end things. It will only get worse. She will never trust you no matter what lie she feeds you.

Next date/meetup load anything and everything of hers in your truck and when you drop her off leave it all with her. 99+ chance she will never be happy/secure and you'll end up questioning yourself because of it. Don't do that/be a hostage.
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post #43 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-04-2019, 11:41 AM
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Re: Need opinions on bringing up the past

Someone this insecure and underhanded is NOT long term partner material. I say cut your losses and throw this one back. What an exhausting way to live, someone digging and spying all the time for no valid reason.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #44 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-04-2019, 11:51 AM
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Re: Need opinions on bringing up the past

It is good for one thing, she is showing her color now and guess what you just don't like that shade of color. It's ok, it really is to leave this stable this horse calls home.

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
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post #45 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-04-2019, 12:50 PM
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Re: Need opinions on bringing up the past

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Originally Posted by Sweeny View Post
I fell in love for the right reasons. We have a lot in common, get along great, have similar goals in life, and have a lot of fun together. She is a soccer coach, athletic, and good mother. She just investigates all the time and it is really draining. I've talked to her about it, but she thinks it's her right to do it. I am a 100% faithful person to who I'm with and I was hoping things would change and she would see that. I dont gawk, but i do notice once in a while. I've seen her do the same exact thing.
@Sweeny.

My new Beloved Hubby and I are 57yo, and we fell in love for the right reasons too. We also have a lot in common, get along great, have similar goals in life, and have a lot of fun together. His previous marriage (divorce) ended after nearly 30 years--my previous marriage (died) ended after 12 years. We have both "looked at" members of the opposite gender who are attractive. Ours heads don't turn on a swivel--but we look and appreciate the beauty. I also was unfaithful...so if anyone has a reason to "investigate" it would be Beloved Hubby (and I would let him!). But what we do, that is so much more healthy, is that we share. We share passwords, we pass our phones back and forth to each other, we both can access each other's phones, we look on each other's computers, we've seen each other's emails open, and when we see a screen we don't shut it down real quick--we let the other look. Make sense? He does not choose to investigate because I let him in and include him in everything. If he wanted to investigate he's welcome to do so any day, because it would confirm in a "trust but verify" kind of way.

Here's the difference, I think. For us, there is POTENTIAL REASON to justify the occasional investigation--for you two, there is no such potential reason. For us, we realize that adult humans occasionally see someone well-put-together and appreciate it and it's not an attack on our relationship--for you two, thee is no such realization nor security in the relationship. For us, we trust because we choose to do so and we feel security because our words and actions match--for you two, there is no such trust chosen, and there is no security even if everything is consistent.

In my opinion that's the difference between healthy and unhealthy.


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My definition of infidelity is not "How far can I go before I cross the line?" My definition of infidelity is "giving anything less than 100% of your affection, loyalty, and companionship to your spouse."
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