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post #31 of 57 (permalink) Old 11-08-2019, 09:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Completely Lost

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Originally Posted by Tilted 1 View Post
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and she's already said ILYBNILWY, that's a cheater phrase,
What does that mean? ILYBNILWY????

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post #32 of 57 (permalink) Old 11-08-2019, 10:17 AM
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Re: Completely Lost

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What does that mean? ILYBNILWY????


I love you but Im not in love with you



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post #33 of 57 (permalink) Old 11-08-2019, 10:55 AM
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Re: Completely Lost

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Divine_Peace, I am really sorry you are in this situation but I have to ask and feel you should be asking yourself “Why did I marry a man like this?” You had to of known these things about your husband before you got married and you just ignored the signs. Or did you get married way too soon after starting to date? No one can hide there true self for long, I think when we are in the dating fog we have a habit of overlooking these faults.

I feel that you need to forget about this other man, and maybe for the moment your husband as well and focus on yourself in some one on one therapy to figure out why you pick bad man. If you don’t your just going to go from bad man to bad man.

I wish you the best of luck!
Daisy12, this is incredibly judgmental and unfair. I know you're right that women very often ignore the signs and end up with an abusive man, who had been abusive all the long. But there are also the other stories that occur just as often, if not more frequently, where the woman is duped into the relationship. He's Mr. Charming, Mr. Wonderful, and as described in the Romeo's Bleeding article that I linked, he's Mr. Right but later turns out to be Mr. Wrong. Those are the ones who do and say all the right things to get a woman (to get someone to abuse, in other words) and then turn into their true selves later.

So, it's not hardly the simple matter of "you had to know these things about your husband before you got married." She describes verbal/mental/emotional abuse, gaslighting, insensitivity, minimizing, and so on, but she doesn't say when any of it began. They've been together 8 years, married for 5½, and it's been the past few years that she's been having thoughts of incompatibility but doesn't indicate how long he has been abusing her or when it started.

Go a little easier on her, please. It's common for abused women to take a while to become aware of the abuse. And just like her, they don't even know they are being abused. As you can see, she never once stated or even indicated that he is abusing her. She only described the abusive treatment and how it makes her feel. That's often what they do and usually not until they are downtrodden and reached the breaking point.
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post #34 of 57 (permalink) Old 11-08-2019, 10:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Completely Lost

@manwithnoname, @Daisy12, @She'sStillGotIt, @[email protected], @aine, @Tilted 1, @Adelais, @StarFires, @Openminded, @uhtred, @3Xnocharm, @RebuildingMe, @Lila, @Onarollercoaster, @Prodigal, @SunCMars, @Marduk


WOW!!! First of all, Thank you all for the feedback. I'd like to start today by answering a few questions and possibly clearing up some miscommunication.

1. I have only had an attraction or feelings for the OM for about 6 months. So how in the he** some of you thought I was "in love" with this man or have had feelings for 11 years is crazy. I said I've KNOWN him for 11 years, not had feelings for him for 11 years.

2. How do I think it may be reciprocated? Nothing verbal, nothing has ever been communicated. I suppose it's because he's intervened a couple of times when he's seen my husband mistreating me. Although, I realize now, that's probably just a man who doesn't like to see a woman being mistreated - nothing more and that's ok.

3. Those of you who think I am asking for advice on leaving my husband for another man.... I ask politely for you to read, not skim, my initial post. For if this does go as far as divorce, I think I'd like to have some "ME" time before dating. I hated dating when I was single so that's not something I am hoping for or looking forward to doing.

I am not in love with anyone at this moment. I hope to see some real changes in my H and see we could grow from this. I am seeing my FRIEND in a new light b/c I know my emotional calls haven't been met by my husband for the most part of our marriage.

I was really hoping for more guidance on my H and not for this to be made out like I'm an adulterer trying to justify my actions. I don't blame my H for everything failing in our marriage. After all, it takes two. I believe in Cause and Effect. I'm not perfect. Of course, I make mistakes. I am human. However, do I believe that I deserve to be abused because of my short-comings, my views on certain issues, because I can be stubborn and hard-headed at times, etc., NO!

I guess I, more or less, was hoping for some enlightenment on why SOME men act like this and how to deal, cope, fix....idk.

However, I find it very interesting that most of you all have the same "final answer" even though your reasons are different..... divorce.

So, here's my question to you all... as a new member, Is this a Forum to help save marriages or a Forum to give up and walk away? Some of you that have been around awhile.... is most of the advice here divorce or work it out? Just curious......
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post #35 of 57 (permalink) Old 11-08-2019, 10:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Completely Lost

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Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
I love you but Im not in love with you



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Thank you! Still trying to grasp some of the lingo here....
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post #36 of 57 (permalink) Old 11-08-2019, 11:05 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Completely Lost

@StarFires, I honestly can't say when it began. But, for a long time I thought he was just in a bad mood, had a bad day, and I always thought of that saying that you take out your frustration on the people closest to you. I realize I was making excuses for him. I started looking up signs of abuse and controlling spouses and reading articles recently and was shocked at how on point most were in my marriage. I have started seeing a therapist, about a month ago, so it's new, but I'm going. Thank you for your suggestions and support!
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post #37 of 57 (permalink) Old 11-08-2019, 11:24 AM
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Re: Completely Lost

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Originally Posted by Divine_Peace View Post
I guess I, more or less, was hoping for some enlightenment on why SOME men act like this and how to deal, cope, fix....idk.

However, I find it very interesting that most of you all have the same "final answer" even though your reasons are different..... divorce.

So, here's my question to you all... as a new member, Is this a Forum to help save marriages or a Forum to give up and walk away? Some of you that have been around awhile.... is most of the advice here divorce or work it out? Just curious......
So try to understand, this is why whoever said you should not have talked about your friend.

And no, most of us do not thing you are having an affair. However, when you are trying to decide or work through your marriage, and opposite sex friend, even if no one has acted on anything, is not usually a good idea.

Either, as you are working through this stuff, something could happen. Or it takes your focus off of what you are trying to decide or work through.

That is what that is about...

As far as your husband, what you describe is not got. To me, and I am a guy, it sounds like a guy that is basically unhappy, for whatever reason, and for whatever reason he is blaming you.

The reason that people are saying divorce is the following:

If you have tried more than once to have a calm talk, about how you want to be treated, what you want in a relationship, and he has not changed or gotten better at all...

Frankly, experience says to divorce.

There are things you could do, but honestly they usually do not work.

Does that help with anything?
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post #38 of 57 (permalink) Old 11-08-2019, 11:38 AM
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Re: Completely Lost

Sure, you can stay with him and see if he really does change and maybe your love for him will return. But just be aware that the odds aren’t good. Love doesn’t usually come back.
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post #39 of 57 (permalink) Old 11-08-2019, 11:40 AM
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Re: Completely Lost

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Originally Posted by Divine_Peace View Post
I was really hoping for more guidance on my H and not for this to be made out like I'm an adulterer trying to justify my actions. I don't blame my H for everything failing in our marriage. After all, it takes two. I believe in Cause and Effect. I'm not perfect. Of course, I make mistakes. I am human. However, do I believe that I deserve to be abused because of my short-comings, my views on certain issues, because I can be stubborn and hard-headed at times, etc., NO!
So, in my last response (to Daisy12), I stated, "That's often what they do and usually not until they are downtrodden and reached the breaking point," and was going to add "because they spend the better part of the relationship thinking they are to blame and deserve to be abused." I decided to omit that part but wish I'd left it in because you are blaming yourself and think you deserve to be abused. Another thing is you are hopeful he will change, which is another common characteristic of abused women. You just want things to go back to the way they used to be, but abusive men DON'T change. When they realize they have something to lose and actually have to pay for their actions, they become remorseful, crying, begging, pleading, and making all kinds of promises. It is all so very typical....and only temporary. It's all just more of their manipulative tactics. Just like he spends so much time convincing you that you're crazy, too sensitive, essentially unimportant and stupid, he also makes you believe he can change his ways in order to also convince you to stay, just like he's tried to convince you of all the other things that are not true.

So now you think you are somehow complicit and the cause of the effects, the effects being his abusive actions and responses. You now think your feelings, your opinions, and your views are not valid because he convinced you they aren't. You called yourself hardheaded as if that man is your father, and you deserve to be indicted for not agreeing with him and not doing as he told you to do. All of it - every bit of this nonsense - is so typical of an abused woman.

No, dear. You DO NOT deserve to be abused. You need to free yourself from his mind control.

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Originally Posted by Divine_Peace View Post
I guess I, more or less, was hoping for some enlightenment on why SOME men act like this and how to deal, cope, fix....idk.
I gave you that, so please read the article and the book. All you have to do is spend a little bit of time googling, and you'll see how typical your husband's tactics are of abusive men. You will also find how typical you are as an abused woman.

I'm sure I'll think of other things I didn't say and very probably regret omitting things I should have said but at the moment, I've done my best to enlighten you regarding the situation you're in. If you'd like more, please just ask. I will be happy to share.

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Originally Posted by Divine_Peace View Post
However, I find it very interesting that most of you all have the same "final answer" even though your reasons are different..... divorce.

So, here's my question to you all... as a new member, Is this a Forum to help save marriages or a Forum to give up and walk away? Some of you that have been around awhile.... is most of the advice here divorce or work it out? Just curious......
You are absolutely right. The major propensity of this forum is to do their best to tear marriages apart. It is absolutely sickening.

My personal efforts are usually to try to find ways to convince posters to work on their marriage. That's usually hard to do when everyone else is telling them to leave. And that's not even to mention that those telling them to leave don't leave their own sad situations, so go figure. But it's common on boards like these, believe me.

But there is one exception to my general rule. In cases of abuse, I know from my own experience, the counseling I received, and the many years of informal study that there is only ONE way to deal with abuse, and that is to get away. To end your marriage is an extremely hard and hurtful decision, I know. But it's the one and only way to deal with an abusive man. You don't try to find ways to cope with abuse. You find ways to get away from it.

Last edited by StarFires; 11-08-2019 at 11:44 AM.
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post #40 of 57 (permalink) Old 11-08-2019, 11:40 AM
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Re: Completely Lost

People tend to say that when a woman is done, she is done. In my own life, though, this hasn't always been true. Just sometimes. I was sometimes able to recover love feelings over time with someone I felt deadened to.

That being said, it's not at all unusual to hear the walkaway wife say that she has begged and pleaded for change for years, but the H just ignored her pleas. It's also very common for men to come on boards like this and admit that they heard all the pleas and ignored them. They were now desperate for advice on how to get their wives 'back.' My best friend says of her H: "He doesn't listen unless I'm standing at the door with my bags packed."

For better or worse, we have gender behavioral stereotypes and we can see patterns after reading many, many threads.

As for your H - You fell in love with him and married him for some reason.If he can get help and recover the person you fell in love with, it might be worth the risk of trying. I would give myself a mental deadline - say, six months of trying - to see how you feel. Wait and watch. And cut off communication with the friend you're infatuated with.

There's no magic formula. Set out a path for yourself that is honorable and honest and then follow it.

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post #41 of 57 (permalink) Old 11-08-2019, 11:45 AM
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Re: Completely Lost

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Originally Posted by Divine_Peace View Post
I guess I, more or less, was hoping for some enlightenment on why SOME men act like this and how to deal, cope, fix....idk.
The same reason that people cheat. Because they want to. Your husband didn't want to fix things when he felt safe, and is only trying now because he doesn't. Highly suspect he'll go right back to his old behavior as soon as he feels safe again.

Quote:
However, I find it very interesting that most of you all have the same "final answer" even though your reasons are different..... divorce.
My answer is divorce because you're not in love with him any more. You yourself have said it's over, so make it be over then.

Quote:
So, here's my question to you all... as a new member, Is this a Forum to help save marriages or a Forum to give up and walk away? Some of you that have been around awhile.... is most of the advice here divorce or work it out? Just curious......
I can't speak for TAM, but my goal here is to help people be happy. Not all marriages should be saved.

I sure wouldn't want to be married to a wife that didn't love me any more and had feelings for someone else. I'd want someone telling me to leave.

I also sure wouldn't want to be married to someone I don't love and don't want to be married to. I'd want someone to tell me to leave, too.

So there you are.

Last edited by Marduk; 11-08-2019 at 11:52 AM.
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post #42 of 57 (permalink) Old 11-08-2019, 12:12 PM
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Re: Completely Lost

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Originally Posted by alte Dame View Post
People tend to say that when a woman is done, she is done. In my own life, though, this hasn't always been true. Just sometimes. I was sometimes able to recover love feelings over time with someone I felt deadened to.

That being said, it's not at all unusual to hear the walkaway wife say that she has begged and pleaded for change for years, but the H just ignored her pleas. It's also very common for men to come on boards like this and admit that they heard all the pleas and ignored them. They were now desperate for advice on how to get their wives 'back.' My best friend says of her H: "He doesn't listen unless I'm standing at the door with my bags packed."

For better or worse, we have gender behavioral stereotypes and we can see patterns after reading many, many threads.

As for your H - You fell in love with him and married him for some reason.If he can get help and recover the person you fell in love with, it might be worth the risk of trying. I would give myself a mental deadline - say, six months of trying - to see how you feel. Wait and watch. And cut off communication with the friend you're infatuated with.

There's no magic formula. Set out a path for yourself that is honorable and honest and then follow it.
And so how many times has she stood in the door with her bags packed?

I always feel like most guys don't know how to be a husband or what it means to have a wife. They turn their wife into the enemy. So, it's very often she ends up the Walkaway Wife, and he ends up shocked and desperate and making promises to change. Marriages like these are fixable if the wife is not done, has the patience to work on it, and is willing to give him another chance. The only problem is most people makeup and say they will try again. Most men say they will work on themselves and change. But nothing specific gets addressed, and they don't learn how to work on things to prevent making the same mistakes. So the same problems repeat themselves.

Nevertheless, DP's problem is different. This isn't the normal kind of marital problems that you refer to. It's not a matter of he just doesn't listen. Hers is a matter of abuse, and that kind of problem doesn't change......ever. it only escalates. Hoping for change and trying over and over again only gives him more opportunity to abuse. Statistics show the evidence. In fact, if she doesn't leave, the more chances she gives him, the more in danger she will be when she does try to leave.
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post #43 of 57 (permalink) Old 11-08-2019, 12:48 PM
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Re: Completely Lost

From our perspective, which yet remains varied, we agree on this, our lifetime is limited.

You can gamble with most anything but not with your life.
Once gone, it does not return.

Wasted time is time shot dead.

All those years wasted, why add more time to the funeral pyre that is your marriage.

If you honestly feel you cannot do better than the man you married, stay married.
If not, jump away from the flames.
Divorce, start over.

Your call, always has been.


The HeadMates-

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out. The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall.
The Host, Rd is ill, any years left, remain now, in doubt? Red Dog is now lost to us.
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post #44 of 57 (permalink) Old 11-08-2019, 12:50 PM
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Re: Completely Lost

I gave the advice I did because I have lived this myself. I was married to someone just exactly like you describe your husband. And the same thing happened. Once I was heading out the door he suddenly started paying attention to me, smothering me actually. I was beyond DONE and all he did was piss me off even more. And all those things he was supposedly changing... went right out the door. He remarried after our divorce and she dealt with exactly the same crap I did. She eventually left too.

I am like Marduk, I want people to be happy. And I know that will not be possible for you if you stay married to this man.




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post #45 of 57 (permalink) Old 11-08-2019, 01:00 PM
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Re: Completely Lost

Bluuespower, alte Dame, and Marduk says alot of things very well. I stand behind what l have said.

Now you must know, PTSD is not a ticket or a free pass. But l do suffer with it, and by no means does it make a person be CRUEL or MEAN but because you may not know of this is why now l mention it so I'll address it. PTSD in it's self is quiet until it rears it ugly head when something cause you overwhelmed ( triggered) in an instant two emotions come forward they are fight or flight. And it's a personal conflict not so much an outward experience.

So it is never just one sided because of fear, will cause the person to move away to protect themselves. And all you have said says he is just truly Cruel and abusive. ( And when l experience it at times, but rarely do try to repeat the cause of my triggers) it is never abusive.

As much as I wish that most marriages to be saved some are not worthy of saving. My concern for you is that he truly may hurt you. Take advantage of this time. Maybe to leave safely!

I do not know what is in your heart, only you do. Do l think it would be best to leave, only you know. But it is best to get it all out here in the open this way you will have covered all options. Then you can make your choice. ( And live with yourself)

Lastly just because some here have alot of post, doesn't necessarily give them the all knowing ability even if they think so. Everyone has an opinion and yes you have to have thick skin to see all thoughts posted.

Lastly do l think you should leave, l don't know but l advised you with my experiences in my life only to possibly guide you in yours.

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.

Last edited by Tilted 1; 11-08-2019 at 01:06 PM. Reason: Spelling
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