I was really hoping for more guidance on my H and not for this to be made out like I'm an adulterer trying to justify my actions. I don't blame my H for everything failing in our marriage. After all, it takes two. I believe in Cause and Effect. I'm not perfect. Of course, I make mistakes. I am human. However, do I believe that I deserve to be abused because of my short-comings, my views on certain issues, because I can be stubborn and hard-headed at times, etc., NO!
So, in my last response (to Daisy12), I stated, "That's often what they do and usually not until they are downtrodden and reached the breaking point,
" and was going to add "because they spend the better part of the relationship thinking they are to blame and deserve to be abused.
" I decided to omit that part but wish I'd left it in because you are blaming yourself and think you deserve to be abused. Another thing is you are hopeful he will change, which is another common characteristic of abused women. You just want things to go back to the way they used to be, but abusive men DON'T change. When they realize they have something to lose and actually have to pay for their actions, they become remorseful, crying, begging, pleading, and making all kinds of promises. It is all so very typical....and only temporary. It's all just more of their manipulative tactics. Just like he spends so much time convincing you that you're crazy, too sensitive, essentially unimportant and stupid, he also makes you believe he can change his ways in order to also convince you to stay, just like he's tried to convince you of all the other things that are not true.
So now you think you are somehow complicit and the cause of the effects, the effects being his abusive actions and responses. You now think your feelings, your opinions, and your views are not valid because he convinced you they aren't. You called yourself hardheaded as if that man is your father, and you deserve to be indicted for not agreeing with him and not doing as he told you to do. All of it - every bit of this nonsense - is so typical of an abused woman.
No, dear. You DO NOT deserve to be abused. You need to free yourself from his mind control.
I guess I, more or less, was hoping for some enlightenment on why SOME men act like this and how to deal, cope, fix....idk.
I gave you that, so please read the article and the book. All you have to do is spend a little bit of time googling, and you'll see how typical your husband's tactics are of abusive men. You will also find how typical you are as an abused woman.
I'm sure I'll think of other things I didn't say and very probably regret omitting things I should have said but at the moment, I've done my best to enlighten you regarding the situation you're in. If you'd like more, please just ask. I will be happy to share.
However, I find it very interesting that most of you all have the same "final answer" even though your reasons are different..... divorce.
So, here's my question to you all... as a new member, Is this a Forum to help save marriages or a Forum to give up and walk away? Some of you that have been around awhile.... is most of the advice here divorce or work it out? Just curious......
You are absolutely right. The major propensity of this forum is to do their best to tear marriages apart. It is absolutely sickening.
My personal efforts are usually to try to find ways to convince posters to work on their marriage. That's usually hard to do when everyone else is telling them to leave. And that's not even to mention that those telling them to leave don't leave their own sad situations, so go figure. But it's common on boards like these, believe me.
But there is one exception to my general rule. In cases of abuse, I know from my own experience, the counseling I received, and the many years of informal study that there is only ONE way to deal with abuse, and that is to get away. To end your marriage is an extremely hard and hurtful decision, I know. But it's the one and only way to deal with an abusive man. You don't try to find ways to cope with abuse. You find ways to get away from it.