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post #46 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 05:32 AM
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Re: Is my husbands female friend harmless?

IMO this relationship with Sally has been going on a long time. Someone suggested DNA test for her dd.
Sounds reasonable, not sure how possible it is.
Im worried for you. I suspect hes a player and cheating.
There are people here who can advise you on how to find the truth.
My only concern is that you will have children and 10 years from now will find out the truth.

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post #47 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 05:48 AM
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Re: Is my husbands female friend harmless?

@Catas1,

Did you grow up muslim? You said you have had a muslim ceremony, but you did not want your husband to get sally a gift of the same value that she gave him, and this became an argument between you. So im guessing that you did not grow up in a muslim culture, but he did?

"I am the wiser in respect to all knowledges, and the better qualified for all fortunes, for knowing that there is a minnow in the brook." -Henry David Thoreau
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post #48 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 09:00 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Girl_power View Post
And stop calling him your husband, it cheapens the meaning.
He is my husband. We were both born and bought up as muslim, we've had our Muslim marriage ceremony, we said our vows and signed the marriage contract, so what would you have me call him?
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post #49 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 09:05 AM
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Re: Is my husbands female friend harmless?

Yeah, i would say he needs to break off contact with her...

"I am the wiser in respect to all knowledges, and the better qualified for all fortunes, for knowing that there is a minnow in the brook." -Henry David Thoreau
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post #50 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 09:05 AM Thread Starter
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@Catas1,

Did you grow up muslim? You said you have had a muslim ceremony, but you did not want your husband to get sally a gift of the same value that she gave him, and this became an argument between you. So im guessing that you did not grow up in a muslim culture, but he did?
No actually its the opposite, I grew up in a Muslim culture, he did too but only until around the age of 12. After that he never really had an adult figure in his life that followed muslim religion/culture so neither did he.

Sorry I dont know what I'm missing here.. I dont understand how this relates to the gift buying?
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post #51 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 09:22 AM Thread Starter
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A lot of you are suggesting he's having a physical affair. I have a few reasons to believe that he isn't having a physical affair... but an emotional affair could be possible. If thats the case then it means he's doing a real good job hiding everything from me. I mean I trusted him before but if he deleted the Facebook messages then what else is he deleting?? So I have no real proof and I dont know how I could now go about getting that proof. I already tried to see if there was a way I could retrieve his deleted facebook messages, I cant find a way that would definitely work and I would also need to have access to his phone for quite some time. Having said all of this I would prefer not to snoop, I'd rather just call him out on his behaviour and tell him why I feel hes been lying to me. But that means he could just continue lying.

I feel like I've been so naive and I really need to think things through and try and get two steps ahead of him before I confront him.
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post #52 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 09:29 AM
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Re: Is my husbands female friend harmless?

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Originally Posted by Catas1 View Post
No actually its the opposite, I grew up in a Muslim culture, he did too but only until around the age of 12. After that he never really had an adult figure in his life that followed muslim religion/culture so neither did he.

Sorry I dont know what I'm missing here.. I dont understand how this relates to the gift buying?
I had a friend who married a muslim man from syria. He was always big on reciprocity, which she didn't really understand at first. Whenever someone gave them gifts, he felt compelled to give one back.

He later went on to become an atheist, but he still always feels compelled get a gift for anyone who gives him one. She now knows that its just the way he was raised amd accepts it.

I was wondering if something like that was going on, but obviously not.

"I am the wiser in respect to all knowledges, and the better qualified for all fortunes, for knowing that there is a minnow in the brook." -Henry David Thoreau
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post #53 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 09:57 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by As'laDain View Post

I had a friend who married a muslim man from syria. He was always big on reciprocity, which she didn't really understand at first. Whenever someone gave them gifts, he felt compelled to give one back.

He later went on to become an atheist, but he still always feels compelled get a gift for anyone who gives him one. She now knows that its just the way he was raised amd accepts it.

I was wondering if something like that was going on, but obviously not.
Ah yes that's very true, I was bought up like that too. If I have the money, if I can afford it then I will reciprocate the gift to the same or similar amount. But I also understand that if I'm struggling for money then theres nothing wrong with lowering my budget for a gift. And no it's not a cultural thing for H. He's just overly generous like that. I had to explain the same thing to him when we were buying a bday present for my niece.
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post #54 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 10:16 AM
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Re: Is my husbands female friend harmless?

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Originally Posted by Catas1 View Post
He is my husband. We were both born and bought up as muslim, we've had our Muslim marriage ceremony, we said our vows and signed the marriage contract, so what would you have me call him?


It seems strange to me because you guys donít act like your married. You guys donít live together, and your having sleep overs with his girlfriend. Itís all strange to me.
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post #55 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 10:22 AM
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Re: Is my husbands female friend harmless?

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Originally Posted by Catas1 View Post
A lot of you are suggesting he's having a physical affair. I have a few reasons to believe that he isn't having a physical affair... but an emotional affair could be possible. If thats the case then it means he's doing a real good job hiding everything from me. I mean I trusted him before but if he deleted the Facebook messages then what else is he deleting?? So I have no real proof and I dont know how I could now go about getting that proof. I already tried to see if there was a way I could retrieve his deleted facebook messages, I cant find a way that would definitely work and I would also need to have access to his phone for quite some time. Having said all of this I would prefer not to snoop, I'd rather just call him out on his behaviour and tell him why I feel hes been lying to me. But that means he could just continue lying.

I feel like I've been so naive and I really need to think things through and try and get two steps ahead of him before I confront him.


Itís not about a physical affair, itís his sneakynsss and dishonesty that is the problem. Itís disrespectful.
I was married to someone like that and there was no convincing him that his behavior was wrong, these people have a way of turning everything around on you.

Itís not normal to not trust your husband. Itís kit normal to hide things from each other. Itís not normal to feel like he is doing sneaky things behind your back. Itís not normal to have to be 2 steps ahead of your husband.

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post #56 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 10:26 AM
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Re: Is my husbands female friend harmless?

I am well acquainted with the Muslim faith and also the attached cultural nuances for different regions - Meditteranean Middle East, Gulf Middle East, North Africa, Africa, Turkey, Iran, Afghanistan, Pakistan, India, Far East, Balkans, East Europe etc

All of them forbid friends of the opposite sex - especially if you are married.

I am not Muslim, but I do agree that opposite sex friends do not work over time. I have seen time and time again, an attraction form between the two regardless of religion or race.

I see that you are in the UK. Nothing to do with reciprocity, he should not be buying gifts for women - period. A £40 Harvey Nics voucher should be your decision not his. If anyone buys her a gift it should be you. Deep down I am sure you know that what I am saying is true.

He should not have ANY female close friends - the two of you together can have female close friends.

You are not crazy or paranoid. He needs to put an end to his pervy, scummy behaviour.

It sounds like he is a Muslim when it suits him (and to be honest I could almost say the same for you).

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post #57 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 10:48 AM
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Re: Is my husbands female friend harmless?

If you are married to him by simply exchanging vows without witnesses, then, well, he likely is married to this other woman too.

If this is not tolerable to you, then, move on, end your relationship.

Personally, I think your "husband" is a player. He keeps a string of women going at the same time. He may not have been intimate with all of them, but he is working on it.

This idea that they are all just "friends" is nonsense.

I'm not totally rejecting the notion that men and women can be friends. However, the context of such friendships cannot ever be talking about sexual things.
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post #58 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 02:34 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by manfromlamancha View Post
I am well acquainted with the Muslim faith and also the attached cultural nuances for different regions - Meditteranean Middle East, Gulf Middle East, North Africa, Africa, Turkey, Iran, Afghanistan, Pakistan, India, Far East, Balkans, East Europe etc

All of them forbid friends of the opposite sex - especially if you are married.

I am not Muslim, but I do agree that opposite sex friends do not work over time. I have seen time and time again, an attraction form between the two regardless of religion or race.

I see that you are in the UK. Nothing to do with reciprocity, he should not be buying gifts for women - period. A £40 Harvey Nics voucher should be your decision not his. If anyone buys her a gift it should be you. Deep down I am sure you know that what I am saying is true.

He should not have ANY female close friends - the two of you together can have female close friends.

You are not crazy or paranoid. He needs to put an end to his pervy, scummy behaviour.

It sounds like he is a Muslim when it suits him (and to be honest I could almost say the same for you).
I agree with most the points you made. And yes Islam forbids anyone from having friends of the opposite sex, whether you are married or not. Its not that we are Muslim when it suits us. We have our faith but we we're not practicing muslims. Hence I dont see an issue with having friends of the opposite sex, but I agree after marriage there has to boundaries with these sorts of friendships and they should become our friends, not just his.. which is the case with his other female friends. Just not with this one so called 'friend'.

And thank you. I feel that when it comes to buying gifts it should be a desicion we make together. If it's a gift for a female then I should be able to choose. It's just preposterous to me that he can complain about financial stress and us as a couple are going out less, buying less in order to save. But he wont think twice about spending £40 on some woman who has no respect for his wife or relationship.
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post #59 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 02:41 PM Thread Starter
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If you are married to him by simply exchanging vows without witnesses, then, well, he likely is married to this other woman too.

If this is not tolerable to you, then, move on, end your relationship.

Personally, I think your "husband" is a player. He keeps a string of women going at the same time. He may not have been intimate with all of them, but he is working on it.

This idea that they are all just "friends" is nonsense.

I'm not totally rejecting the notion that men and women can be friends. However, the context of such friendships cannot ever be talking about sexual things.
No it wasnt the way you're thinking.. we were married in front of both our families and a couple of friends, had a small wedding party etc

And no it's unlikely that he's married to this woman. I know I should keep my wits about me but I'm not going to run off with the idea that he's married to her and hat her child is his. That's ridiculous. Like I said earlier I dont believe it's a PA, it's likely that its EA.

Also I dont see his other friendships the way you've described. I get your point. But those girls and H keeps within boundaries. Since we have been together they have taken a step back and put some respect on our relationship. Anytime we go out I'm invited without saying. Sally has issues and is toxic. Whereas his other friends come across as just normal, mature beings.
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post #60 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 02:56 PM
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Re: Is my husbands female friend harmless?

It's difficult for me to wrap my mind around the fact that you and your husband put up with so much to have this woman in your life. I would not let someone invade my life like that. And I would not want to be with someone who requires that I tolerate it.

I used to think as you do now. I thought men and women could be friends. But there are some people out there who do not play fair and offering them friendship without knowing what they are really interested in isn't worth the problems that they cause. /being friends with my husband is not oxygen and even if it were, I do not owe any woman that friendship.

On the other side, while dating I looked out for that kind of behavior. Is this guy I'm dating wrapped up in one or more friendships that I am going to have to bow to? With my current / second husband, I asked him to get rid of a socalled friend or else I would start dating other men. He immediately dropped her.

This woman may have already decided that you amount to nothing in her friendship with your husband.
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