Is my husbands female friend harmless? - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

User Tag List

 114Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #61 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 03:59 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 7,222
Re: Is my husbands female friend harmless?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Catas1 View Post
He is my husband. We were both born and bought up as muslim, we've had our Muslim marriage ceremony, we said our vows and signed the marriage contract, so what would you have me call him?

Are you legally married?

Diana7 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #62 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 04:51 PM
Member
 
*Deidre*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Somewhere else
Posts: 3,797
Re: Is my husbands female friend harmless?

Your husband is the harmful one. He is capable of respecting you and not pandering to all of these women as if he's the savior of their lives, but he chooses not to.

That is the crux of your problem. Not Sally.

Every now and then, you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. - unknown
*Deidre* is offline  
post #63 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 09:42 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: DC
Posts: 426
Re: Is my husbands female friend harmless?

You both should read: "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass. It's based on research of couples that experienced infidelity and the boundaries that were crossed along the way. It's an easy short read. You can pick it up used on Amazon.

Discuss the book and how it applies to your marriage.
Robert22205 is online now  
 
post #64 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 11:56 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 5,994
Re: Is my husbands female friend harmless?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Catas1 View Post
No it wasnt the way you're thinking.. we were married in front of both our families and a couple of friends, had a small wedding party etc

And no it's unlikely that he's married to this woman. I know I should keep my wits about me but I'm not going to run off with the idea that he's married to her and hat her child is his. That's ridiculous. Like I said earlier I dont believe it's a PA, it's likely that its EA.

Also I dont see his other friendships the way you've described. I get your point. But those girls and H keeps within boundaries. Since we have been together they have taken a step back and put some respect on our relationship. Anytime we go out I'm invited without saying. Sally has issues and is toxic. Whereas his other friends come across as just normal, mature beings.
No, it is not ridiculous. You are right to keep your head about yourself and not rush, but don’t start putting up blinders to protect yourself or minimize your husband’s behavior.

We have multiple threads of women committing paternity fraud.
We have multiple threads of men hiding affair children which is fraud as well.

Probably the only reason I am still married is my wife didn’t delete texts, gave me complete access to everything and was ready to take a poly. Yes, we had fights, but every time I see a story like yours I realize how lucky I am. It doesn’t prove she didn’t cheat, but it goes much further than what you typed earlier, about his anger and deleting messages, trying to keep it an EA.

Nope, I do not know what he has done. I do know, after being here for years, his actions rarely lead to just an EA.
phillybeffandswiss is offline  
post #65 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 12:06 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 6,726
Re: Is my husbands female friend harmless?

Quote:
We have multiple threads of men hiding affair children which is fraud as well.
I once dated a guy at university who tried to reassure me that none of his ex's 3 kids were his. This was the early '80s when single parents trying to get a university degree was unheard of.

It was not a smart move since each time he mentioned that he was in touch with his ex, instead of thinking that he was being a good father, I was assuming that he was treating me as the rebound girl.

We didn't date past 6 months but it has definitely left a memory.
NextTimeAround is online now  
post #66 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 01:27 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,519
Re: Is my husbands female friend harmless?

I asked about the marriage and made my comment because I am aware that at least some types of muslims recognize a temporary marriage. That can be dismissed easily once not needed. Even for a night.

So a man can have a 'real" wife as most recognize the role. and, still have other wives of a sort.

I'm murky on the details, obviously. But I'm wondering if your husband is slipping along the borders of technicalities here.
michzz is offline  
post #67 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 01:55 PM
Member
 
MJJEAN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: MI
Posts: 4,114
Re: Is my husbands female friend harmless?

NM, the question was answered

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
MJJEAN is online now  
post #68 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 02:08 PM
Member
 
Marduk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 17,640
Re: Is my husbands female friend harmless?

"Husband, are we still in high school? No? So why are you acting like it?"
Marduk is online now  
post #69 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-13-2019, 09:02 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by michzz View Post
I asked about the marriage and made my comment because I am aware that at least some types of muslims recognize a temporary marriage. That can be dismissed easily once not needed. Even for a night.

So a man can have a 'real" wife as most recognize the role. and, still have other wives of a sort.

I'm murky on the details, obviously. But I'm wondering if your husband is slipping along the borders of technicalities here.
Oh I see. No we dont believe in that kind of marriage, There's probably only a small sect of muslims that practice that. Majority dont believe that it's part of the Muslim faith. And regardless I doubt H even knows such a thing exists or would bother with that kind of thing just to get laid... if that is what he's doing.
Catas1 is offline  
post #70 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-13-2019, 09:13 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 23
So now I've realised that H is speaking to Sally through the snapchat app... on which messages will just disappear, unless you save them individually. I don't even have to ask him to know he's not saving them. Only realised this morning before he went off to work. I didn't say anything... didn't know what to say or how to confront him. I think what stops me from speaking is that I just don't want to hear any excuses or bull**** stories anymore.The only way we could get through this is if he decides to just be honest with me. If I hear one more lie I'll fly into a rage... and then he will likely also fly into a rage and then we'll get nowhere. I'll probably pack up and go back to my parents home. I'm just sat contemplating all of this... dont know what I would even tell my parents.

Catas1 is offline  
post #71 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-13-2019, 09:51 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 5,994
Re: Is my husbands female friend harmless?

Well, he has now shown you who is more important and it isn’t you or your marriage.

Tell them you learned you are not number one in his life.
phillybeffandswiss is offline  
post #72 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-13-2019, 10:49 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 1,249
Is my husbands female friend harmless?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Catas1 View Post
So now I've realised that H is speaking to Sally through the snapchat app... on which messages will just disappear, unless you save them individually. I don't even have to ask him to know he's not saving them. Only realised this morning before he went off to work. I didn't say anything... didn't know what to say or how to confront him. I think what stops me from speaking is that I just don't want to hear any excuses or bull**** stories anymore.The only way we could get through this is if he decides to just be honest with me. If I hear one more lie I'll fly into a rage... and then he will likely also fly into a rage and then we'll get nowhere. I'll probably pack up and go back to my parents home. I'm just sat contemplating all of this... dont know what I would even tell my parents.


Ah Iím so sorry your going through this! This i
Was how my exH was. Always lying, even when I caught him in a lie he still wouldnít tell the truth. It was emotionally exhausting. I eventually gave up and didnít care, I was too tired of the BS. That was when I knew my marriage was over. There was no convincing him anything. He did what he wanted to do, and lied to my face about it.


I hope better for you. You deserve respect.

Last edited by Girl_power; 12-13-2019 at 10:58 AM.
Girl_power is offline  
post #73 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-13-2019, 11:24 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 6,726
Re: Is my husbands female friend harmless?

There are some friends who believe that their friends are more valuable than their spouse. I agree that how well your intended gets along with the life you already have is important but that should be decided before marriage. And really, before you waste a lot of your and their time. And this goes for same sex friendships as well as opposite ones.

I have a couple of long term friends and family friends that I would not want to have to get rid of. But at the same time, I'm not on the phone with them everyday, or even week or sometimes even month. And I don't do crazy things like cancel plans with my husband for them.

What's particularly galling about the OP's case here is that the "friend" is only someone who the spouse has known for only a short time. And that seems to happen fairly often. My exH was particularly charmed by the wife of on of his friends. his friend has only dated her for 2 years before they got married. So this was hardly a life long friend. Ditto with my husband. His "friend" he had only known a couple of months longer than her knew me.

The way I see it, if you expect me to stop dating other men, to mesh my free time with yours and so on, then you need to keep your other friends in line or I'm looking elsewhere.
NextTimeAround is online now  
post #74 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-13-2019, 11:28 AM
Member
 
red oak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,393
Re: Is my husbands female friend harmless?

She shows all the classic NPD, BPD traits.

Removal from your life, or removal of yourself from theirs required.

He is falling hook line, sinker and pole.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

The only difference between 'propaganda' and 'education,' really, is in the point of view. The advocacy of what we believe in is education. The advocacy of what we don't believe in is propaganda.-Edward Bernays
red oak is online now  
post #75 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-16-2019, 12:33 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 23
So I confronted him and now he is gas lighting me. Telling me that my paranoia and insecurities will drive him away and that I need help.

How do you deal with it when someone is gas lighting you?? I need to get to the bottom of this, I have zero proof of anything.

I dont know if he is currently in any sort of affair with sally. But I'm sure that there was something going on between them not long before H met me. And he's gone and deleted the facebook messages that likely had some proof in them. And I can't retrieve them. So basically it's just his word against mine.
Catas1 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in










Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome