Thank you so much for your comments. I feel so stupid but still a bit in denial.
I guess I still want to understand why/what because I put a lot of energy to this a big chunk of this year. What I don't understand is that if he wants to sleep with me and that all he wanted, then what's the point of telling other thing like commitments or other woman. If I were that type of guy, I would just keep it quiet, without offering any extra info. He knew from the start we live far away and if we kept it open as we will still have opportunities in the future that each other will visit our towns. etc.
It is not like _!_ wanted to sleep with him (I mean, of course, I have/had strong attraction to him) but I am hurt that all these time all these interesting and deep conversations about life and books and everything, if all what he wanted to was sleeping with me or whoever shows up at his door step. And I sort of still denying that. I know it sounds pathetic, but. . .
As for the online persona, yes, I understand the danger of it. And that's why I was extremely careful and he still doesn't know my address or much other personal info. I did not send or show anything remotely compromise pictures or video either. When I first contacted him and once he started to flirt with me, I did a lot of online search to make sure he is who he says. Because of his profession and past, I found many reliable info (including his past co-workers blogs) about him, so while we never know what goes in this mind, his work, family, marriage/divorce, and career are all checked out with what I read and what came out during our conversations. I even knew his adult kids via SNS before I "met" him, so my guard might have been off a bit. . .
Let me try again.
You literally do not know this man. I can hit up the web and collect a metric ton of information on a person including videos, pictures, etc. That still doesn't mean I know that person. You never know a person until you spent time, in person, with them in multiple types of situations.
yourself sexually attracted to him, but you cannot know that unless/until you are physically in his presence and can learn how he smells, moves, sounds, feels and so on. You have no sensory data for your brain to even begin to process sexual attraction or lack of.
Why keep this going with you? Why not? You feed him ego kibbles and are a great way to kill some time.
Why tell you about other women? To make himself more appealing to you, that's why. It's a manipulation. If you think he has other women chasing after him, whether or not it's true, the hope is your competitive instincts, your insecurities, and unhappiness will compel you to cling tighter in an effort to win him, the "prize". More attention for him. More ego stroking. Dance, puppet, dance!!
I think you are having a hard time letting go of denial because you turned to this faux affair to escape an unhappy situation. You invested months and months in this "relationship" because it was easier than doing something about your actual real life. Once you let go of denial you'll have to face the reality you've been avoiding.
Google search "sunk cost fallacy".