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post #16 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-14-2019, 05:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Very Confused What He was/is

Thank you so much for your comments. I feel so stupid but still a bit in denial.

I guess I still want to understand why/what because I put a lot of energy to this a big chunk of this year. What I don't understand is that if he wants to sleep with me and that all he wanted, then what's the point of telling other thing like commitments or other woman. If I were that type of guy, I would just keep it quiet, without offering any extra info. He knew from the start we live far away and if we kept it open as we will still have opportunities in the future that each other will visit our towns. etc.

It is not like _!_ wanted to sleep with him (I mean, of course, I have/had strong attraction to him) but I am hurt that all these time all these interesting and deep conversations about life and books and everything, if all what he wanted to was sleeping with me or whoever shows up at his door step. And I sort of still denying that. I know it sounds pathetic, but. . .

As for the online persona, yes, I understand the danger of it. And that's why I was extremely careful and he still doesn't know my address or much other personal info. I did not send or show anything remotely compromise pictures or video either. When I first contacted him and once he started to flirt with me, I did a lot of online search to make sure he is who he says. Because of his profession and past, I found many reliable info (including his past co-workers blogs) about him, so while we never know what goes in this mind, his work, family, marriage/divorce, and career are all checked out with what I read and what came out during our conversations. I even knew his adult kids via SNS before I "met" him, so my guard might have been off a bit. . .

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post #17 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-14-2019, 05:11 PM
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Re: Very Confused What He was/is

You sure you weren't catfished?


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post #18 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-14-2019, 06:02 PM
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Re: Very Confused What He was/is

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Originally Posted by Mika55 View Post
I am hurt that all these time all these interesting and deep conversations about life and books and everything, if all what he wanted to was sleeping with me or whoever shows up at his door step.
Well, maybe he also is caught up in this online fantasy. Maybe he thinks you are "the one". It happens. But the thing is, you don't know each other, not really. Maybe if you met each other you'd form a dislike.

And there's also the small matter that you are still married.
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post #19 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-15-2019, 12:15 AM
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Re: Very Confused What He was/is

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Originally Posted by Mika55 View Post
Thank you so much for your comments. I feel so stupid but still a bit in denial.

I guess I still want to understand why/what because I put a lot of energy to this a big chunk of this year. What I don't understand is that if he wants to sleep with me and that all he wanted, then what's the point of telling other thing like commitments or other woman. If I were that type of guy, I would just keep it quiet, without offering any extra info. He knew from the start we live far away and if we kept it open as we will still have opportunities in the future that each other will visit our towns. etc.

It is not like _!_ wanted to sleep with him (I mean, of course, I have/had strong attraction to him) but I am hurt that all these time all these interesting and deep conversations about life and books and everything, if all what he wanted to was sleeping with me or whoever shows up at his door step. And I sort of still denying that. I know it sounds pathetic, but. . .

As for the online persona, yes, I understand the danger of it. And that's why I was extremely careful and he still doesn't know my address or much other personal info. I did not send or show anything remotely compromise pictures or video either. When I first contacted him and once he started to flirt with me, I did a lot of online search to make sure he is who he says. Because of his profession and past, I found many reliable info (including his past co-workers blogs) about him, so while we never know what goes in this mind, his work, family, marriage/divorce, and career are all checked out with what I read and what came out during our conversations. I even knew his adult kids via SNS before I "met" him, so my guard might have been off a bit. . .

You didn't address the part about you being married already.
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post #20 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-15-2019, 12:27 AM
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Re: Very Confused What He was/is

He is a pseudo celebrity! From academia! That is now divorced (wonder why)! That now wants to use his pseudo fame to screw other women! Really !?!?!? Never thought I would see that happen ()

But first, lets focus on you! As somebody pointed out you still haven't addressed the fact that you are married! On the one hand you say you did not want to sleep with him but was only impressed by his academic skills and achievements, but on the other hand you say that you are attracted to him. You then justify your actions with him by saying that it is due to the fact that your husband engaged in some infidelity (you did not say what infidelity) some time ago (you did not say how long ago) which you say you haven't quite got over (you did not say how it was handled at the time). And so you feel that you can now act on your attraction freely and are surprised that he just wants to sleep with you and nothing else.

It would be useful to know which part of the world you are in as you do not sound like you are from the USA or UK. More details on the past infidelity of your husband and how it was handled would also be very useful in helping you. In fact you havent said very much about your marriage at all!

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post #21 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-15-2019, 05:43 AM
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Re: Very Confused What He was/is

Setting aside the fact that you are contemplating cheating on your husband, why would you want to have anything to do with a guy that was pressuring a married woman to commit adultery with him? When is that ever not a sign that this guy is a bad catch? As long as you are a married woman, any guy that pursues you is likely to be a cheating lowlife in disguise. Focus on fixing yourself before you go looking for others.
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post #22 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-15-2019, 10:44 AM
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Re: Very Confused What He was/is

This is not/was not an actual relationship. And you are a cheater. Not sure what is so confusing.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #23 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-15-2019, 11:57 AM
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Re: Very Confused What He was/is

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Originally Posted by Mika55 View Post
Hi,
Thank you for taking time reading. . . this will be long. . .
I am trying to figure out what this "relationship" is/was and if I am totally naive and being taken advantage of. Me in mid-40s, he is 10 year old than me. Everything is online/on the phone/video, and due to our locations (we are a few states away) we never had a chance to meet. The added complication is I am still married. He is divorced but according to him it was really messy one and he is still very haunted by it.

Because this is a bit long and complicated timeline, I decided to make it a simple chronological list.

Spring of 2019 -- Mark and I "met" in SNS, just following each others basically.

In mid-July -- I sent him DM first. I had NO romantic interest when I did that I was only interested in his profession*(in academia). The reason I sent a DM is that I found out he is in the field that I once dreamed of and wanted to know more about it.

July & August -- we started to messaging each other, chatting sometime for hour or more. first work stuff, life in general, nothing really romantic, but it got more and more personal and flirtatious.

By mid-August -- Mark wanted to hear my voice, see me (picture or video) and he says there is something real between us and told me that he wants to sleep with me. I was still not unsure if this whole thing is worth destroying my marriage and what I have. But I was seriously falling for him.

End of Aug to early Sept -- had a lot of video chat, flirty texts and actively planning to meet like trying to schedule a flight or work etc.

Mid-Sept -- I finally told him that the trouble with my marriage (he knew there is something going on but i haven't told him) was because of my husband's infidelity years ago and I haven't go over it. But I also told him that our marriage is now a marriage of convenience but this arrangement is working for now.

The rest of September -- Mark got less available. Some good (upbeat and flirty, still wanted to meet) and bad (no reply to my messages)

Early October - I finally confronted him and he said he met somebody else. According to him, he was seriously falling for me but when I told him about my husband and marriage of convenience, he took it as "no thank you, I am OK with my man." And also according to him, he met this person via his work (again online) early Sept, and after intensive communication for 2-3 weeks, she visited him (flew in to his town!) and basically proposed to him and they slept together.

Mid- October - we communicated a few times as friends. All amicable, basically. But he was still telling me he was serious about us. I told him that I am still very hurt, but I hope his best. (What can I do? I am still married.) In fact, it was surprisingly difficult trying to get over it.

Early November - Mark and his new woman met again and spent a week during a work related conference. During this time for 10 days, I had no communication with him at all, this was the longest period of no communication since we started and I was almost getting over. Things are getting easier. I purged all our old texts and chats and photos etc.

Late last week -- Upon his return from the conference, he texted me. We exchanged friendly texts a few times that night. The next day, we video chatted. During the video chat, Mark suddenly told me that he is not sure about this woman, saying he is more attracted to me sexually. I told him that he should try a bit more for my sake. But again, the conversation gets more flirty and how he would like us to meet etc etc. However, he said he still have his business trip scheduled and she will be present in that in next month (in Dec.)

Last Sunday night - he texted me saying he is still preoccupied by the idea of sleeping with me.

Tuesday -- I texted him back saying that I would like that too. He texted me back saying we need to arrange us to meet, and we need to talk.

Wednesday (Today) -- I called him and whereupon he goes into a long speech of basically saying he has no intention of a commitment. He likes me and wish to make love to me but we have a big problem that we live far apart. And after his horrible divorce etc, he is not going to be constrained by social norm or moral and if/when he has opportunities he will take it etc. In the past, we did talk about that but it was not specific, it was more generalized view of life or thinking. Especially, when he met this woman he was telling me that he was not going to live a bachelor life any more and he sees the life with her etc etc. . . So stupidly, when he brought up that he still thinks about me, I thought he picked me and we will be exclusive (yes, I am still married so I thought we will work through that. . .) The conversation ended like, yes I still would like to sleep with you but I hope you understand my point of view. . . Keep in touch. .. bye.


so, a long story but what is this? What is he thinking? What does he want? Is he so afraid of commitment? But I didn't ask for it! Or just possibility of me asking for a commitment scared him? All these time, we were discussing about us meeting but we didn't talk about how or if we continue a long distance relationship etc etc. Am I just too naive to think that he is somehow genuinely likes/liked me? I don't really understand because if he really wants to sleep with me then he could have still done that all these time. Why goes all these trouble to tell me he still has feeling toward me or not then again still has. . .

I do notice that when he is stressed out and depressed he gets in that strange mood, so I started to think he has an issue with mood swing? But most of the time, when we talk or chat or text, he is very funny, caring, and very intellectual. I am having difficulty comprehend all this. . .
Just to be clear, because of his profession, I could find may legit information about him online, so it is not like he is pretending to be somebody or making up all the stories.. . . of course, what in his mind, I have no clue at this point. . .
If you put as much effort into your marriage as you do running after this guy, you might have a good one.
Divorce your husband before you start this kind of nonsense.incidentally, the academic just wants to f*** you, there is no relationship, except in your head. For a woman your age you have an immature approach to relationships. I’d suggest you spend time on yourself with a therapist.

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post #24 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-15-2019, 01:35 PM
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OP do you really need to ask your question? You're a married woman trolling the internet for a "friend". In guy speak that's a **** buddy. The guy certainly has some fault as well knowing you're married, but he has made it clear he's never going to date you, he just wants to have sex.

But you knew the answer before even posting the question, right? He told you exactly what he has in mind.
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post #25 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-15-2019, 02:47 PM
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Re: Very Confused What He was/is

You’re married and apparently looking for a little excitement with a fantasy online “relationship”. He’s (supposedly) single and obviously just looking for sex. The other woman didn’t work out so he’s trying again with you. Block him and either repair your marriage or get a divorce so you’ll be free to decide if fantasy online “relationships” are what you really want in life. My guess is the answer will be no. In the meantime, move on.

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post #26 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-16-2019, 10:30 PM
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Re: Very Confused What He was/is

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mika55 View Post
Thank you so much for your comments. I feel so stupid but still a bit in denial.

I guess I still want to understand why/what because I put a lot of energy to this a big chunk of this year. What I don't understand is that if he wants to sleep with me and that all he wanted, then what's the point of telling other thing like commitments or other woman. If I were that type of guy, I would just keep it quiet, without offering any extra info. He knew from the start we live far away and if we kept it open as we will still have opportunities in the future that each other will visit our towns. etc.

It is not like _!_ wanted to sleep with him (I mean, of course, I have/had strong attraction to him) but I am hurt that all these time all these interesting and deep conversations about life and books and everything, if all what he wanted to was sleeping with me or whoever shows up at his door step. And I sort of still denying that. I know it sounds pathetic, but. . .

As for the online persona, yes, I understand the danger of it. And that's why I was extremely careful and he still doesn't know my address or much other personal info. I did not send or show anything remotely compromise pictures or video either. When I first contacted him and once he started to flirt with me, I did a lot of online search to make sure he is who he says. Because of his profession and past, I found many reliable info (including his past co-workers blogs) about him, so while we never know what goes in this mind, his work, family, marriage/divorce, and career are all checked out with what I read and what came out during our conversations. I even knew his adult kids via SNS before I "met" him, so my guard might have been off a bit. . .
Let me try again.

You literally do not know this man. I can hit up the web and collect a metric ton of information on a person including videos, pictures, etc. That still doesn't mean I know that person. You never know a person until you spent time, in person, with them in multiple types of situations.

You imagine yourself sexually attracted to him, but you cannot know that unless/until you are physically in his presence and can learn how he smells, moves, sounds, feels and so on. You have no sensory data for your brain to even begin to process sexual attraction or lack of.

Why keep this going with you? Why not? You feed him ego kibbles and are a great way to kill some time.

Why tell you about other women? To make himself more appealing to you, that's why. It's a manipulation. If you think he has other women chasing after him, whether or not it's true, the hope is your competitive instincts, your insecurities, and unhappiness will compel you to cling tighter in an effort to win him, the "prize". More attention for him. More ego stroking. Dance, puppet, dance!!

I think you are having a hard time letting go of denial because you turned to this faux affair to escape an unhappy situation. You invested months and months in this "relationship" because it was easier than doing something about your actual real life. Once you let go of denial you'll have to face the reality you've been avoiding.

Google search "sunk cost fallacy".

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #27 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-16-2019, 10:52 PM
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Re: Very Confused What He was/is

I only read until you told him that you were having trouble in your marriage.

Why are you talking with a man online who is not your husband?

If you are unhappy in your marriage, fix that, or divorce him. THEN talk with men online.

The fact that he quit talking with you after you told him you are married says that he doesn't want to be an "Other Man."

Leave him alone! Either work on your marriage or divorce. Don't drag unsuspecting men into your web.
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post #28 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-17-2019, 06:59 AM
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Re: Very Confused What He was/is

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mika55 View Post
Hi,
Thank you for taking time reading. . . this will be long. . .
I am trying to figure out what this "relationship" is/was and if I am totally naive and being taken advantage of. Me in mid-40s, he is 10 year old than me. Everything is online/on the phone/video, and due to our locations (we are a few states away) we never had a chance to meet. The added complication is I am still married. He is divorced but according to him it was really messy one and he is still very haunted by it.

Because this is a bit long and complicated timeline, I decided to make it a simple chronological list.

Spring of 2019 -- Mark and I "met" in SNS, just following each others basically.

In mid-July -- I sent him DM first. I had NO romantic interest when I did that I was only interested in his profession*(in academia). The reason I sent a DM is that I found out he is in the field that I once dreamed of and wanted to know more about it.

July & August -- we started to messaging each other, chatting sometime for hour or more. first work stuff, life in general, nothing really romantic, but it got more and more personal and flirtatious.

By mid-August -- Mark wanted to hear my voice, see me (picture or video) and he says there is something real between us and told me that he wants to sleep with me. I was still not unsure if this whole thing is worth destroying my marriage and what I have. But I was seriously falling for him.

End of Aug to early Sept -- had a lot of video chat, flirty texts and actively planning to meet like trying to schedule a flight or work etc.

Mid-Sept -- I finally told him that the trouble with my marriage (he knew there is something going on but i haven't told him) was because of my husband's infidelity years ago and I haven't go over it. But I also told him that our marriage is now a marriage of convenience but this arrangement is working for now.

The rest of September -- Mark got less available. Some good (upbeat and flirty, still wanted to meet) and bad (no reply to my messages)

Early October - I finally confronted him and he said he met somebody else. According to him, he was seriously falling for me but when I told him about my husband and marriage of convenience, he took it as "no thank you, I am OK with my man." And also according to him, he met this person via his work (again online) early Sept, and after intensive communication for 2-3 weeks, she visited him (flew in to his town!) and basically proposed to him and they slept together.

Mid- October - we communicated a few times as friends. All amicable, basically. But he was still telling me he was serious about us. I told him that I am still very hurt, but I hope his best. (What can I do? I am still married.) In fact, it was surprisingly difficult trying to get over it.

Early November - Mark and his new woman met again and spent a week during a work related conference. During this time for 10 days, I had no communication with him at all, this was the longest period of no communication since we started and I was almost getting over. Things are getting easier. I purged all our old texts and chats and photos etc.

Late last week -- Upon his return from the conference, he texted me. We exchanged friendly texts a few times that night. The next day, we video chatted. During the video chat, Mark suddenly told me that he is not sure about this woman, saying he is more attracted to me sexually. I told him that he should try a bit more for my sake. But again, the conversation gets more flirty and how he would like us to meet etc etc. However, he said he still have his business trip scheduled and she will be present in that in next month (in Dec.)

Last Sunday night - he texted me saying he is still preoccupied by the idea of sleeping with me.

Tuesday -- I texted him back saying that I would like that too. He texted me back saying we need to arrange us to meet, and we need to talk.

Wednesday (Today) -- I called him and whereupon he goes into a long speech of basically saying he has no intention of a commitment. He likes me and wish to make love to me but we have a big problem that we live far apart. And after his horrible divorce etc, he is not going to be constrained by social norm or moral and if/when he has opportunities he will take it etc. In the past, we did talk about that but it was not specific, it was more generalized view of life or thinking. Especially, when he met this woman he was telling me that he was not going to live a bachelor life any more and he sees the life with her etc etc. . . So stupidly, when he brought up that he still thinks about me, I thought he picked me and we will be exclusive (yes, I am still married so I thought we will work through that. . .) The conversation ended like, yes I still would like to sleep with you but I hope you understand my point of view. . . Keep in touch. .. bye.


so, a long story but what is this? What is he thinking? What does he want? Is he so afraid of commitment? But I didn't ask for it! Or just possibility of me asking for a commitment scared him? All these time, we were discussing about us meeting but we didn't talk about how or if we continue a long distance relationship etc etc. Am I just too naive to think that he is somehow genuinely likes/liked me? I don't really understand because if he really wants to sleep with me then he could have still done that all these time. Why goes all these trouble to tell me he still has feeling toward me or not then again still has. . .

I do notice that when he is stressed out and depressed he gets in that strange mood, so I started to think he has an issue with mood swing? But most of the time, when we talk or chat or text, he is very funny, caring, and very intellectual. I am having difficulty comprehend all this. . .
Just to be clear, because of his profession, I could find may legit information about him online, so it is not like he is pretending to be somebody or making up all the stories.. . . of course, what in his mind, I have no clue at this point. . .
Just re-read your timeline. Can't see anything there about you trying to fix your marriage. Why was that?


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