Very Confused What He was/is
Thank you for taking time reading. . . this will be long. . .
I am trying to figure out what this "relationship" is/was and if I am totally naive and being taken advantage of. Me in mid-40s, he is 10 year old than me. Everything is online/on the phone/video, and due to our locations (we are a few states away) we never had a chance to meet. The added complication is I am still married. He is divorced but according to him it was really messy one and he is still very haunted by it.
Because this is a bit long and complicated timeline, I decided to make it a simple chronological list.
Spring of 2019 -- Mark and I "met" in SNS, just following each others basically.
In mid-July -- I sent him DM first. I had NO romantic interest when I did that I was only interested in his profession*(in academia). The reason I sent a DM is that I found out he is in the field that I once dreamed of and wanted to know more about it.
July & August -- we started to messaging each other, chatting sometime for hour or more. first work stuff, life in general, nothing really romantic, but it got more and more personal and flirtatious.
By mid-August -- Mark wanted to hear my voice, see me (picture or video) and he says there is something real between us and told me that he wants to sleep with me. I was still not unsure if this whole thing is worth destroying my marriage and what I have. But I was seriously falling for him.
End of Aug to early Sept -- had a lot of video chat, flirty texts and actively planning to meet like trying to schedule a flight or work etc.
Mid-Sept -- I finally told him that the trouble with my marriage (he knew there is something going on but i haven't told him) was because of my husband's infidelity years ago and I haven't go over it. But I also told him that our marriage is now a marriage of convenience but this arrangement is working for now.
The rest of September -- Mark got less available. Some good (upbeat and flirty, still wanted to meet) and bad (no reply to my messages)
Early October - I finally confronted him and he said he met somebody else. According to him, he was seriously falling for me but when I told him about my husband and marriage of convenience, he took it as "no thank you, I am OK with my man." And also according to him, he met this person via his work (again online) early Sept, and after intensive communication for 2-3 weeks, she visited him (flew in to his town!) and basically proposed to him and they slept together.
Mid- October - we communicated a few times as friends. All amicable, basically. But he was still telling me he was serious about us. I told him that I am still very hurt, but I hope his best. (What can I do? I am still married.) In fact, it was surprisingly difficult trying to get over it.
Early November - Mark and his new woman met again and spent a week during a work related conference. During this time for 10 days, I had no communication with him at all, this was the longest period of no communication since we started and I was almost getting over. Things are getting easier. I purged all our old texts and chats and photos etc.
Late last week -- Upon his return from the conference, he texted me. We exchanged friendly texts a few times that night. The next day, we video chatted. During the video chat, Mark suddenly told me that he is not sure about this woman, saying he is more attracted to me sexually. I told him that he should try a bit more for my sake. But again, the conversation gets more flirty and how he would like us to meet etc etc. However, he said he still have his business trip scheduled and she will be present in that in next month (in Dec.)
Last Sunday night - he texted me saying he is still preoccupied by the idea of sleeping with me.
Tuesday -- I texted him back saying that I would like that too. He texted me back saying we need to arrange us to meet, and we need to talk.
Wednesday (Today) -- I called him and whereupon he goes into a long speech of basically saying he has no intention of a commitment. He likes me and wish to make love to me but we have a big problem that we live far apart. And after his horrible divorce etc, he is not going to be constrained by social norm or moral and if/when he has opportunities he will take it etc. In the past, we did talk about that but it was not specific, it was more generalized view of life or thinking. Especially, when he met this woman he was telling me that he was not going to live a bachelor life any more and he sees the life with her etc etc. . . So stupidly, when he brought up that he still thinks about me, I thought he picked me and we will be exclusive (yes, I am still married so I thought we will work through that. . .) The conversation ended like, yes I still would like to sleep with you but I hope you understand my point of view. . . Keep in touch. .. bye.
so, a long story but what is this? What is he thinking? What does he want? Is he so afraid of commitment? But I didn't ask for it! Or just possibility of me asking for a commitment scared him? All these time, we were discussing about us meeting but we didn't talk about how or if we continue a long distance relationship etc etc. Am I just too naive to think that he is somehow genuinely likes/liked me? I don't really understand because if he really wants to sleep with me then he could have still done that all these time. Why goes all these trouble to tell me he still has feeling toward me or not then again still has. . .
I do notice that when he is stressed out and depressed he gets in that strange mood, so I started to think he has an issue with mood swing? But most of the time, when we talk or chat or text, he is very funny, caring, and very intellectual. I am having difficulty comprehend all this. . .
Just to be clear, because of his profession, I could find may legit information about him online, so it is not like he is pretending to be somebody or making up all the stories.. . . of course, what in his mind, I have no clue at this point. . .