Six year relationship going down the drain - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 38 (permalink) Old 11-17-2019, 11:34 PM Thread Starter
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Six year relationship going down the drain

Hello Everyone,

I require some advice and guidance here Because I am to the point where I am just ready to throw up my hands and quit on this relationship that I have spent six years building. My girlfriend and I are both the same age we are both 29 years old. I will fully admit I am not very good at communication and yet I work in a field in which communication is key as I am an ICU RN. I know I know then it should be easy to communicate with my significant other but it honestly isn't. Anyways sorry for rambling, but I am not good in going out and getting advice lol. My girlfriend has honestly lately started picking fights with me over some of the smallest things and then turn them into these massive blow out arguments. For instance, she will pick a fight over me sleeping a lot on my day off after working three twelve-hour shifts lately. I am always exhausted after working that much in a row and so I usually go home from work and just pass out and sleep for the next 12-15 hours. And Later when I wake up and she just straight up picking a fight with me over it. Saying how I am wasting time and that I don't love her because I rather sleep than spend time with her and all of this other petty crap. This coupled with just intimacy going down the drain well mine not her and she just isn't very understanding. Honestly before any of this started happening I was planning on proposing to her on our New years eve cruise we are supposed to be going on. I work in a pretty high-stress environment so coming home and getting nagged and then the next morning/afternoon getting yelled at and berated really doesn't make me want to stick with this relationship. I guess I am trying to figure out how I can fix something where I do not feel I have done anything wrong? On top of all of this, she has been pushing for us to start a family, and I am just over here thinking not in a million years will I get you pregnant not when you are being so petty towards me. Which I suppose is partly responsible for me pulling back instantly I don't want to have sex with someone who is berating me and picking fights with me ya know? But the other part of it is just honestly not in the mood just exhausted from work lately.

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post #2 of 38 (permalink) Old 11-17-2019, 11:52 PM
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Re: Six year relationship going down the drain

JustaRegDude:

Your are wise. Under no circumstances get her pregnant.

Six years are a lot, but this doesn't feel right.

Many times, the attitude she is showing is a red flag for infidelity. Check her phone bill for texts and calls to a single number.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
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post #3 of 38 (permalink) Old 11-18-2019, 12:05 AM
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Re: Six year relationship going down the drain

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Originally Posted by JustaRegDude View Post
Hello Everyone,

I require some advice and guidance here Because I am to the point where I am just ready to throw up my hands and quit on this relationship that I have spent six years building.
Your first instinct may be the right one.

I know that sounds flippant, but let's think this through. You're not even MARRIED yet. This is the time when people typically are doing their best to try to treat their partner right. Yet, instead, she's treating you badly. How do you think this will develop from this point on? Do you think it will improve, or will it likely get worse? (Hint: more often than not, the relationship deteriorates with time).

Also, is she sympathetic to your physical exhaustion? Is she accommodating toward your health and fatigue? Or is she only thinking of herself? Is this the sort of selflessness one would expect from a loving spouse?

Just think. You're at the point at which most people describe as the peak, the happiest time of their relationships. So what's next? It can only go downhill. Is this really what you want? If you knew that this was the peak, the best time of your relationship with her, would you continue with the relationship? I know I wouldn't.

It kinda sounds like me that you're a means to an end. It doesn't sound like she's in a relationship because she values YOU as an individual, a lover, a (potential) husband. It sounds more like you're her path to have a family. I was in a situation like that with my first wife/ex-wife. When I realized she didn't value me and that I was only a means to a family and a way of life, I knew I needed to end the marriage. I'm afraid you might end up that way too, if you persist witht this relationship.

I know this is going to sound sexist, but you're 29, and building a career. Your "eligibility" will only go up in the coming years. On the other hand, most women I know have a hard time facing 30. They feel that their "best years" (their words) are behind them, and they get increasingly anxious about starting a family. They feel that their looks will start declining. I know it's horrible that society puts so much emphasis on a woman's looks, but it does, and that's a reality that they have to face. Is it possible that this kind of anxiety is underlying her badgering you about starting a family? Sometimes that desperation causes them to force a relationship that really would be better off ended.

The bottom line is that I don't see the kind of concern for your health and your needs that I think your girlfriend would exhibit if she was truly the woman you should marry. I think it will only get worse for you. She may even know it's not right, but is forcing the relationship out of a sense of a need to get married now.

I knew a psychiatrist once who said that he believed you marry the person you are seeing when you decide it's time to get married. Don't fall into that trap. Follow your gut instincts, like you posted above. Move on. I don't think she's right for you.
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post #4 of 38 (permalink) Old 11-18-2019, 12:11 AM
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Re: Six year relationship going down the drain

Not exactly the Queen of Empathy is she? If she’s like this now, what’s she going to be like when your feet are nailed to the floor by a wedding license and a kid? Run. Look up sunk cost fallacy...bail now or the six years will become 18 years in the 7th level of Hell. I know.

“The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly the one you'll never have.”

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post #5 of 38 (permalink) Old 11-18-2019, 12:24 AM
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Re: Six year relationship going down the drain

I am in agreement of trusting your gut. If it feels wrong, and where there's smoke there's fire. When you can't see the forest, because of the trees. Or ask her what she would have you do to support her in the future. Does she want you and her just to barely get by? It's sounds like you are well into your trade to maybe one day become a charge nurse with greater responsibilities. Explain this to her be open and find out if this lifestyle will be a fit for her if not go your separate ways but above all be honest with her first. Then make your decision.

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post #6 of 38 (permalink) Old 11-18-2019, 12:51 AM
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Re: Six year relationship going down the drain

You have a stressful difficult job and 12 hour shifts must be exhausting. Of course you need lots of sleep after that. If she cant see that and isn't at all sympathetic there is something very wrong with her. She sounds very selfish to be honest.
You are not married and you are already having doubts, it will only get worse once you get married and have children. Go with your gut. Is this who you want to be with for the rest of your life? Someone who seems so unsupportive and uncaring?
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post #7 of 38 (permalink) Old 11-18-2019, 02:14 AM
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Re: Six year relationship going down the drain

Bail out !!!!! Eject !!!!!! Eject !!!!!!

Wedding cake will multiply that nagging by a factor of 2 and a kid by a factor of 437.


Don't take the bait !!!!!!!!

I love my wife and we have always got along fine ...... and it can still be rough at times.


How would you like it if your job actually started getting affected by her mess ?

Dude ...... punt the ball.
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post #8 of 38 (permalink) Old 11-18-2019, 02:20 AM
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Re: Six year relationship going down the drain

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I know this is going to sound sexist, but you're 29, and building a career. Your "eligibility" will only go up in the coming years. On the other hand, most women I know have a hard time facing 30. They feel that their "best years" (their words) are behind them, and they get increasingly anxious about starting a family. They feel that their looks will start declining. I know it's horrible that society puts so much emphasis on a woman's looks, but it does, and that's a reality that they have to face. Is it possible that this kind of anxiety is underlying her badgering you about starting a family? Sometimes that desperation causes them to force a relationship that really would be better off ended.
But couldn't what you described actually be the start of a framework of understanding what's going on with his GF? The assumption is that she's bat-s crazy, but maybe she's just stressed out and reacting badly for the reasons you stated. You're writing her off when it could be that she just needs to be listened to, find out what her real fears are, and maybe she's still marriage material after all, or maybe not.

Six years is a lot to throw away without making sure that's the right decision. The fact that you can throw it away doesn't mean you should. That New Years cruise is coming up way too soon to follow through on a marriage proposal, but doesn't necessarily have to be cancelled, especially if you can get a couples counseling session (or two) fit in beforehand.
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post #9 of 38 (permalink) Old 11-18-2019, 06:06 AM
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Cool Re: Six year relationship going down the drain

You've got a good head on your shoulders and a lot of common sense! I know that I would not want to be sexual with someone who berated me as such!

Ergo: This may be a "wake-up call!" Be extremely wary!

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post #10 of 38 (permalink) Old 11-18-2019, 06:19 AM
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Re: Six year relationship going down the drain

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Originally Posted by Casual Observer View Post
But couldn't what you described actually be the start of a framework of understanding what's going on with his GF? The assumption is that she's bat-s crazy, but maybe she's just stressed out and reacting badly for the reasons you stated. You're writing her off when it could be that she just needs to be listened to, find out what her real fears are, and maybe she's still marriage material after all, or maybe not.

Six years is a lot to throw away without making sure that's the right decision. The fact that you can throw it away doesn't mean you should. That New Years cruise is coming up way too soon to follow through on a marriage proposal, but doesn't necessarily have to be cancelled, especially if you can get a couples counseling session (or two) fit in beforehand.
Agree with your perspective. The one concern i have is “what’s going to happen when a baby is thrown into this situation?”
Babies stress marriages. Poor sleep, demands, etc can test a marriage.
I would definitely put off the proposal for now.

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post #11 of 38 (permalink) Old 11-18-2019, 07:16 AM
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Re: Six year relationship going down the drain

Communication in a relationship is nothing like communication on a job. And arguing over the smaller stuff can also usually be add on to more major issues. It is simply human nature to drag the minutiae into the larger argument, and then to only notice that as what's being complained about. If you think this might be a relationship worth saving then councelling might be needed. A marriage or relationship councilor can help you to more clearly express yourselves, and teach you how to listen as well.

But one big thing that I see is that she knows what your job is. She has to know that this is going to be the normal. If she can't handle it, she need to get out for her own sake as well. She isn't necessarily the arsehole here. She has needs too, and they are as legitimate as your need for sleep. This simply may be that your lives are not as compatible as you two thought. And love does not enter into it. What good is love if you can't cohabitate?

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post #12 of 38 (permalink) Old 11-18-2019, 07:42 AM
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Re: Six year relationship going down the drain

I think you need to sit down and talk to her about this. Just because you can get out of the relationship relatively easily doesn't mean you should bail without seeing what's going on or trying to fix the issues.

You're 29, been together for 6 years, have a good career, I'm guessing she's working as well, she wants to have kids, now you don't want to have sex, and you're communication isn't good. My first thought reading this was does she feel like the relationship is going nowhere.

She could be frustrated because you won't commit. Have you seriously talked about proposing or marriage, and why you've waited this long? When you will be ready for kids? She could be acting like this because of that frustration and fear of wasted time.

How much time do you spend together? Without being distracted by phones, tv, etc? That could be a factor in her frustration.

Have a serious conversation with her. See what's going on. If you're going to stay together, or have a good relationship with someone else in the future, you need to improve your communication.

Also, communication at work and at home/in a relationship are very different. My wife is a nurse as well and is totally different at work than outside of work. My job requires a lot of communication and problem solving, and that doesn't mean I have good communication at home.

Last edited by bobert; 11-18-2019 at 07:49 AM. Reason: Typo
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post #13 of 38 (permalink) Old 11-18-2019, 11:52 AM
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Re: Six year relationship going down the drain

This nagging / petty fight issue will be 100x with kids. Some people are like this.

She is ok with putting you down to make herself feel good.

Does she have confidence issues? What is her mom like?

Probably has an overbearing mom and a pleaser father.

Thank your lucky stars that you waited long enough to find this out before marriage.

Bail out now. It sucks, but staying with someone like this will be a world of pain for eternity.

You only have one life, don't choose to be with someone you know has a problem. It will not get better, only worse.

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post #14 of 38 (permalink) Old 11-18-2019, 01:57 PM
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Re: Six year relationship going down the drain

Dude, with the information given it really sounds like this is a wake up call for how it will be if marry.

She won't change, and a baby will double any problems.

Could be time to split.

To me yes, anyway.
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post #15 of 38 (permalink) Old 11-18-2019, 02:30 PM
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Re: Six year relationship going down the drain

I get it, you need to let her know that at the current level of empathy she has for you right now isn't loving or kind and it's putting you in the position of the unknown of the relationship. I do find it odd that this is a issue right now. Why is that?

What was your past like and what has changed now, l know this isn't what you expect out of your relationship and ask her if this is something she can change her thoughts on. If f not you get it straight for the horses mouth as the saying goes if she is not and does not change put down the boundaries that you need to be in place. Do understand if you don't have a desire to change then don't put her through hell.

And let her go, yes it's that simple and it will be something you have to live with. Don't be cruel to her heart love her and change, or remain fixed only on you but you say you work 3 twelve he shifts how many days do you get off after that? Would it be too hard to stay up until the normal sleep time. Take a 5hr supplement they sell at all gas stations. To help you then you can put at least 8-9 hrs of normal night time sleep.

But maybe you haven't even thought of this, because of the lack of compromise both of you have.

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If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
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