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post #16 of 75 (permalink) Old 11-30-2019, 08:54 AM
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Re: What a bleak picture to relationships this forum brings....lol

Another man who got his feelings hurt by a woman ……. how common.

Just for the record I do love my life … and my wife. We are one and only's from high school age.

There are divorced people here that are MUCH happier now that they are single or remarried. @notmyjamie @Diana7

If you learn to be a better man ...everything else just falls into place …. no resentment or bitter outlook required.

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post #17 of 75 (permalink) Old 11-30-2019, 09:12 AM
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Re: What a bleak picture to relationships this forum brings....lol

Yes!!!

If people would acknowledge/deal with their own 'red flags' instead of obsessing over the behavior of others, the world would be a much different/better place.

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If you learn to be a better man ...everything else just falls into place …. no resentment or bitter outlook required.
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post #18 of 75 (permalink) Old 11-30-2019, 09:45 AM
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Re: What a bleak picture to relationships this forum brings....lol

Gosh, your outlook is indeed depressing. But I can't say it reflects my life. My marriage failed and I acknowledge that it was my fault. But even in my failed marriage neither of us would tell you that it was all bad. There were a LOT of good times. In fact it was mostly good times. There is always a possibility of things ending poorly, but the journey on the way to that ending isn't years of misery, lots of ups in there too. At least it was for me. If I were to get married again..which I actually think I might at this point, and things ended badly, it wouldn't make have the same attitude that you have OP. I'd dust myself off and get back out there.

With that said though I do agree there a few posters on here that if I were their close friend I'd advise them to take a break or not return at all. Some are very triggered by infidelity, and I think in a lot of ways they seem stuck. Reliving their pain over and over again anytime a new poster comes on here that has been cheated on. They say they only want to help, but IMO it doesn't seem to be healthy for them as far as moving on is concerned. But....everyone deals with things differently.
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post #19 of 75 (permalink) Old 11-30-2019, 10:27 AM
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Re: What a bleak picture to relationships this forum brings....lol

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Originally Posted by bobsmith View Post
Man, I guess it is just boredom that brought me to revisting this site. I guess being mostly isolated from people now makes me appreciate the crap I don't have to endure. Nearly every post has to do with cheating, scandals, lack of sex, crappy sex, kid drama, in-law drama, etc, etc, etc. What the hell is wrong with people anymore? Just stumbled into the one on the men's page where the guy decided he needed to hook up with his
"10" and destroy his family.....so fun.....

I think I am starting to see why so many choose to escape life. The internet age has been a HUGE detriment to social society. Now "options" are just a tap away, but I guess the local watering hole is probably always full of "opportunities". I can't even point the finger at one sex, because both do the same thing.

If you need a "one stop shop" to promote complete isolation, this is it! It's like not even worth it. Find "the one" and sooner or later she will run off with "the next one" and you are back on the market, writing checks for kids that can't be cashed. What is the "American Dream" anymore?

All I have learned so far is people, be it man or woman, associate (at least with me) out of want or need. Men want to associate so you can provide "wing support" or information to help them in some way. Women are looking for a "partner" to write checks, hold hands, and be "the guy" until the next comes along.

So what is it about humanity that makes people here want to stay in this circle of constant drama?
I came here initially while researching female infidelity which was a hard subject to get real information on at the time.

I was trying to get information to help a friend who was going through it.

Lots of things have transpired since and I have worked through some personal demons with the help of posters past and present.

I'm still here because I like a lot of the folks on TAM and I care that they do well.

Kind of anonymous internet friendship going on and I've actually met a couple of TAMmers IRL and I enjoyed it.

I am very grateful for my marriage and TAM has helped me improve it as well as appreciate it even more.
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post #20 of 75 (permalink) Old 11-30-2019, 12:08 PM
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Re: What a bleak picture to relationships this forum brings....lol

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Originally Posted by Mr.Married View Post
Another man who got his feelings hurt by a woman ……. how common.

Just for the record I do love my life … and my wife. We are one and only's from high school age.

There are divorced people here that are MUCH happier now that they are single or remarried. @notmyjamie @Diana7

If you learn to be a better man ...everything else just falls into place …. no resentment or bitter outlook required.
I think his very point is, the definition of a better man has changed so drastically, he is having difficulty with the morality of society today. It's wholly different from the past and inherently off-putting for the traditional male role.

Acceptance is very difficult for those who were brought up to believe in love, commitment and monogamy(though that definition has also changed). It's difficult to even understand what can and cannot be said, evidenced here in this thread.

It's just too bad that we cannot allow ourselves to see the difficulty and offer help rather than derision. I'm not picking on you. Your post which is inherently true, if possibly a misidentification of a 'better man', struck me as being important to understanding what I was thinking.

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post #21 of 75 (permalink) Old 11-30-2019, 12:50 PM
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Re: What a bleak picture to relationships this forum brings....lol

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Originally Posted by bobsmith View Post
Man, I guess it is just boredom that brought me to revisting this site. I guess being mostly isolated from people now makes me appreciate the crap I don't have to endure. Nearly every post has to do with cheating, scandals, lack of sex, crappy sex, kid drama, in-law drama, etc, etc, etc. What the hell is wrong with people anymore? Just stumbled into the one on the men's page where the guy decided he needed to hook up with his
"10" and destroy his family.....so fun.....

I think I am starting to see why so many choose to escape life. The internet age has been a HUGE detriment to social society. Now "options" are just a tap away, but I guess the local watering hole is probably always full of "opportunities". I can't even point the finger at one sex, because both do the same thing.

If you need a "one stop shop" to promote complete isolation, this is it! It's like not even worth it. Find "the one" and sooner or later she will run off with "the next one" and you are back on the market, writing checks for kids that can't be cashed. What is the "American Dream" anymore?

All I have learned so far is people, be it man or woman, associate (at least with me) out of want or need. Men want to associate so you can provide "wing support" or information to help them in some way. Women are looking for a "partner" to write checks, hold hands, and be "the guy" until the next comes along.

So what is it about humanity that makes people here want to stay in this circle of constant drama?
You expect people to come here looking for support because their marriage is awesome? Why would that happen?

Some of us have been through a lot and try to help others in pain in whatever small ways we can.

That’s what this place is. If that’s not for you, then see ya, wouldn’t want to be ya.
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post #22 of 75 (permalink) Old 11-30-2019, 01:02 PM
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Re: What a bleak picture to relationships this forum brings....lol

@bobsmith,
If you are looking to learn how to find another wife or even a long-term relationship there are going to be a few things very off-putting. Most men and women here have changed since their divorce. They have had to go through a period of dating a number of folks and figure out who they are today. We aren't the same as we were in the past, even the fairly recent past.

What we need is an area to figure that out. I mean an area to figure out who we are now. Some of us will be very similar or will otherwise not be so adaptable to this brave new world. Others will embrace it with gusto.

I think we need a space for those struggling with their new freedom. Maybe that is something you would like to look into and start for the benefit of the very many who have not transitioned into single life as easily?

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post #23 of 75 (permalink) Old 11-30-2019, 01:03 PM
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Re: What a bleak picture to relationships this forum brings....lol

triple post. holy cow.

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post #24 of 75 (permalink) Old 11-30-2019, 01:03 PM
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Re: What a bleak picture to relationships this forum brings....lol

double post.

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post #25 of 75 (permalink) Old 11-30-2019, 01:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What a bleak picture to relationships this forum brings....lol

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Originally Posted by 2ntnuf View Post
@bobsmith,
If you are looking to learn how to find another wife or even a long-term relationship there are going to be a few things very off-putting. Most men and women here have changed since their divorce. They have had to go through a period of dating a number of folks and figure out who they are today. We aren't the same as we were in the past, even the fairly recent past.
No, I can't say I am looking for any sort of relationship. I think I am getting better at lying to them, lying with them, then sending them back into the wild. As I said, a good moral compass is not rewarded in society so if you need to survive in the wolf den, you have to act like a wolf.

I think a LOT of relationships survive on lies so its not like I am that out of line. People lie about cheating, being happy, finances, work, etc, etc. Especially lie when taking vows. They don't mean anything these days. I grew up in a model family/home so seeing the real BS that occurs was quite an eye opener.

Mr. Married is a prime example of outward showcasing. It all works great until that one foundation brick crumbles. Seen and heard it many times. People are all "he/she is so great. I am so lucky, I am so blessed, yada yada".... Then next week there is a scandal and they are circling the drain. What is typical is the woman is SOOOO happy because the man has a good job, brings her plenty of cash, doesn't make her work.... Then the day comes that he loses his job and cannot find one even close to his previous overpaid salary. She first acts like it will be OK, but once they sell her new Escalade, she starts doing some thinking.....

But this is the same for men. They work until they get in a good financial position, buy some fancy stuff, then women check him out, and he just can't pass up the temptation. Get a few hookers on the side.

I know one friend who has an atty for a dad. Went to his batch party at a remote cabin. His dad (married) had his personal limo deliver his personal hooker to him out there. I guess I don't have room to talk anymore though.....lol


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post #26 of 75 (permalink) Old 11-30-2019, 01:43 PM
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I wouldn’t exactly say the op is a lonely messed-up person. I think if everyone was totally honest about human behavior, we would all speak a bit differently.

I’ve noticed over the years that we are becoming a more glossed over society. Everything is wonderful and peachie. If someone describes something outside that wonderful spectrum, they are somehow a weirdo.

To give an example, our current principal comes on the pa every morning sounding like he just won the lottery. He refers to the teachers and students as a family. However, when he’s behind the scenes, you realize he’s a real person who can recognize reality.

One might argue that it should be that way; make everything seem great. But his production just seems overboard and a bit fake. Why can’t it just be real? If he wants to put in the positive thing with the kids, ok, but why not drop it and just be real with us adults?

Maybe if the op wrote in more length, he could find some more in depth descriptors, but I get what he’s trying to say. If he were on an episode of Sesame Street, maybe he wouldn’t put it that way, but among adults who have experienced life, I get it.

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post #27 of 75 (permalink) Old 11-30-2019, 01:53 PM
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Re: What a bleak picture to relationships this forum brings....lol

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Originally Posted by bobsmith View Post
No, I can't say I am looking for any sort of relationship. I think I am getting better at lying to them, lying with them, then sending them back into the wild. As I said, a good moral compass is not rewarded in society so if you need to survive in the wolf den, you have to act like a wolf.

I think a LOT of relationships survive on lies so its not like I am that out of line. People lie about cheating, being happy, finances, work, etc, etc. Especially lie when taking vows. They don't mean anything these days. I grew up in a model family/home so seeing the real BS that occurs was quite an eye opener.
Believe it or not, I understand. That's what I've been seeing out there. Your thread is a sort of confirmation.


Here's a good question. Is it considered abnormal enough that if you are the 'old-fashioned' or 'romantic" type, a counselor would see you as codependent? Just occurred to me. I don't expect you to know.

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post #28 of 75 (permalink) Old 11-30-2019, 02:10 PM
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Re: What a bleak picture to relationships this forum brings....lol

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I am not sure why the thread steered towards me. I was basically wondering how and why people still desire this "marriage/kids/spouse/etc/etc"? Statistics, threads on this site, and even one moderator, seem to indicate that this mentality is flawed IMO. Around 50% of people in at least America are married. Of that 50%, at least 50% will divorce (it will be messy, count on it), and of those that decide to walk the plank again, another 60% of those will divorce again, and again, and again.........Who usually wins in the USA? Women.... You betcha, especially if there are kids involved, unless the woman can be proven as a mental case suitable for a straight jacket, she will be given higher rank as the parent.


Yet, people seek to keep doing it..... Even on this site, basically no one comes here to say "I love my life", it is usually quite the opposite. Is this like the lottery where the odds are SO stacked, yet that micro chance of happiness makes it all worth it?

You can think what you want of me. I learned quick that good moral standards are not rewarded in society so I now just feel sorry for those women that cross my path.
I am fortunate to know many people in very good marriages. You ask why people do it? Why they keep getting married? Well for me its hope. I always have hope for the future. My husband and I are both divorced after long first marriages. We didn't let what happened make us turn against marriage at all, we didn't let it make us bitter or angry but both wanted to marry again at some point. We married 14 years ago and have a good strong marriage.

So what that good moral standards aren't rewarded by society, that shouldn't be what guides us as we live a moral life. Its what WE do and how WE live that matters, not what society says. If I was the only one living that way I would still want to do it.
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post #29 of 75 (permalink) Old 11-30-2019, 02:14 PM
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Re: What a bleak picture to relationships this forum brings....lol

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No, I can't say I am looking for any sort of relationship. I think I am getting better at lying to them, lying with them, then sending them back into the wild. As I said, a good moral compass is not rewarded in society so if you need to survive in the wolf den, you have to act like a wolf.

I think a LOT of relationships survive on lies so its not like I am that out of line. People lie about cheating, being happy, finances, work, etc, etc. Especially lie when taking vows. They don't mean anything these days. I grew up in a model family/home so seeing the real BS that occurs was quite an eye opener.

Mr. Married is a prime example of outward showcasing. It all works great until that one foundation brick crumbles. Seen and heard it many times. People are all "he/she is so great. I am so lucky, I am so blessed, yada yada".... Then next week there is a scandal and they are circling the drain. What is typical is the woman is SOOOO happy because the man has a good job, brings her plenty of cash, doesn't make her work.... Then the day comes that he loses his job and cannot find one even close to his previous overpaid salary. She first acts like it will be OK, but once they sell her new Escalade, she starts doing some thinking.....

But this is the same for men. They work until they get in a good financial position, buy some fancy stuff, then women check him out, and he just can't pass up the temptation. Get a few hookers on the side.

I know one friend who has an atty for a dad. Went to his batch party at a remote cabin. His dad (married) had his personal limo deliver his personal hooker to him out there. I guess I don't have room to talk anymore though.....lol
So basically you have let what happened to you make you into a worse person who uses others selfishly. You know, what is inside us comes out when we face hard times. For good or bad. I know people who have been through the most terrible things yet they are still living a good lives of integrity. The things we go through can shape us into being even better people if we let them.
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post #30 of 75 (permalink) Old 11-30-2019, 02:35 PM
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Re: What a bleak picture to relationships this forum brings....lol

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Here's a good question. Is it considered abnormal enough that if you are the 'old-fashioned' or 'romantic" type, a counselor would see you as codependent? Just occurred to me. I don't expect you to know.
You make a valid point. While I certainly don't think a person should need a relationship to be happy. I can acknowledge that some of the things I want in a relationship. A therapist or a relationship book might think of as a no-no. But I can't let that change how I want to love. I think a lot of relationship advice is written to protect you should things go badly. I feel like I'd rather be all in, and if it goes badly then so be it.
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