So I talked to his ex.. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-02-2019, 11:49 PM Thread Starter
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So I talked to his ex..

I spoke with the ex of the guy I’m currently seeing (long story) and she said he’s a narcissist and that’s mentally and emotionally abused her. He’s been a nice guy around me though so far. Should I be worried? Should I mention this to him?

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post #2 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 12:19 AM
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Re: So I talked to his ex..

Well, what a loaded question.

In my experience with a narcissist, he was amazing at first. It, over several years, developed into the roller coaster from hell.

2 years on that coaster exploded into a crap storm. Serious assaults with life long (disabilities) implications, jail, restraining orders, good behaviour and then him moving and doing a 25 mile work commute each way because it is “cheaper” (nice excuse. No other reason for the uhaul aside from being closer to me)

5 years total after, he is still a pain I.M.A.

I should have ran when he first disclosed that he had a harassment record, but he was handsome, younger, educated and we connected.

Now I cannot have a life, 2 years after the restraining orders ended....but I should have known that the 2nd time he breached his probation because he was stalking me.

Do not tell him you talked to her and change your phone number.
You are either the one he will stalk, or the one he will behave with because he is still stuck on her...

Good luck.



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post #3 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 12:37 AM
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Re: So I talked to his ex..

What made you talk to her? Did you see some red flags or was it curiosity?

Not sure his ex is the right person, depends on why they broke up. If you talked my husbands ex wife he would be depicted as the worst scum of the earth, deadbeat dad and general lazy oaf. He's anything but.
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post #4 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 12:39 AM
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Re: So I talked to his ex..

Run a background check.

Ciao,

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post #5 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 03:54 AM
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Re: So I talked to his ex..

In your other thread you say that he was upset because you interrupted him, so he hung up on you, broke up with you.. and then days later he came back as though nothing happened.

In another post you said that this is why he broke up with his ex.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kerrbear View Post
He said it’s because he didn’t feel like she listened to him.
So according to him..... his ex did not listen to him. And he's started with the "you don't listen to me" and "you interrupted me".

That was back in April. What has being going on since then? What lead you to talk to his ex?

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post #6 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 07:17 AM
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Re: So I talked to his ex..

MANY women call their ex a narcissist. I belong to a divorced women's group on Facebook and I swear, 95% of the women in the group call their ex a narcissist. Some of them might be but certainly not that many men are true narcissists. They are most likely just your garden variety selfish *******s. A lot of these women post screen shots of arguments with their exes and I honestly don't see any narcissism at all. But, I almost married a man who was later diagnosed with borderline personality disorder with severe narcissistic features so I am well versed in true narcissism.

But hearing about how he gets upset enough to hang up and break up with you and her because he feels ignored is a giant red flag to me. I remember my ex went ballistic on me once because we were watching tv and I was doing cross stitch while we were watching. He felt ignored. I was still talking to him and discussing the show, etc but he HATED that my attention was not 100% on him and accused me of not loving him. He once went crazy on his ex wife when they were gardening together and she chose the flower bed on the other side of the yard. He got up and dragged her over to work on the same bed as him causing her physical pain. His thoughts at the time were "who the **** does she think she is to ignore me like this??" I reminded him of what had happened with us and he said "oh yeah...I felt the same way then too." He just doesn't change. He's trying now...lots of meds and therapy but it's still there. I feel badly for him...he wants to change and he tries very hard. He's well aware that the way he thinks isn't normal. He feels deep remorse for how he treated me and even told me once he's glad for me that I didn't marry him. But he didn't see any of that until he had a psychotic break and finally got diagnosed and had intense therapy.

I'd be very careful with this man. If it were me, I'd be ending things now. But, I have zero tolerance for this type of stuff now. I make sure my boundaries are very clear. One of the first things I told my new guy was that I do not ever tolerate being called certain things or being told "**** you." You get one chance and then you're done. He looked a little scared at how intense I was about it.

Think long and hard about this...these people start off seeming wonderful but then they change ever so slowly...you don't even notice it at first. My family and friends noticed it before I did.
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post #7 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 07:26 AM
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Re: So I talked to his ex..

Quote:
MANY women call their ex a narcissist. I belong to a divorced women's group on Facebook and I swear, 95% of the women in the group call their ex a narcissist.
This is why I don't like labels. Better to ask about specific examples.
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post #8 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 08:45 AM
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Re: So I talked to his ex..

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kerrbear View Post
I spoke with the ex of the guy I’m currently seeing (long story) and she said he’s a narcissist....
Is there a woman left on this planet who DOESN'T claim her ex is a "Narcissist?" Let me guess - his ex made that "diagnosis."

Golly. What a shocker.

You see this done all the time on message boards, too. Posters "diagnosing" people they read about in posts, claiming the person is probably a "Narcissist" or a "porn addict" or "sex addict," when they have absolutely NO medical education or training whatsoever. So I'm guessing this woman made an armchair "diagnosis" of him and not surprisingly, in her 'medical opinion,' he's a "Narcissist."

He sounds like an immature douche bag who doesn't respect you, no doubt about it. But no one online or any of his ex's or any of his drinking buddies or co-workers or neighbors are qualified to tell you whether he's a Narcissist or not. Only a medical professional can tell you that.

But whether he is or not is moot, really. The point here is, why do you have NO self respect at all? Is there a reason you continue to allow him to disrespect you? Is it because he's the only male in a 250 mile radius of your home so he's the only game in town? Is it because you're afraid if you dump him you won't have another chance to find someone else? Is it fear of being alone? Is it co-dependency? Or is it really nothing more than just plain bad decision-making?

Once you start seeing your worth, you'll find it harder to stay around people who don't.
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post #9 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 09:01 AM
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Re: So I talked to his ex..

Not saying he's a peach, but...

My ex actually reached out to my current wife while my current wife and I were dating to warn her about me and how I was a narcissist and a paranoid schizophrenic, and that the abuse would start. Only a matter of time. Those communications, along with my exes communications with me were part of the supporting evidence in the NPD clinical diagnosis of my ex wife.

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post #10 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 09:01 AM
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Re: So I talked to his ex..

Its not proof, but keep you eyes open. Does his behavior fit that pattern?

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post #11 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 09:02 AM
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Re: So I talked to his ex..

Quote:
Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
Is there a woman left on this planet who DOESN'T claim her ex is a "Narcissist?" Let me guess - his ex made that "diagnosis."

Golly. What a shocker.

You see this done all the time on message boards, too. Posters "diagnosing" people they read about in posts, claiming the person is probably a "Narcissist" or a "porn addict" or "sex addict," when they have absolutely NO medical education or training whatsoever. So I'm guessing this woman made an armchair "diagnosis" of him and not surprisingly, in her 'medical opinion,' he's a "Narcissist."

He sounds like an immature douche bag who doesn't respect you, no doubt about it. But no one online or any of his ex's or any of his drinking buddies or co-workers or neighbors are qualified to tell you whether he's a Narcissist or not. Only a medical professional can tell you that.

But whether he is or not is moot, really. The point here is, why do you have NO self respect at all? Is there a reason you continue to allow him to disrespect you? Is it because he's the only male in a 250 mile radius of your home so he's the only game in town? Is it because you're afraid if you dump him you won't have another chance to find someone else? Is it fear of being alone? Is it co-dependency? Or is it really nothing more than just plain bad decision-making?
I call bull**** on you. A lot of people got their psychology degree from Cosmo, while staying in a Holiday Inn Express.

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post #12 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 12:14 PM Thread Starter
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I’ll just post a general reply bc sorry way to many to reply to here!

Yes same guy and yes lots of ups and downs but I was rationalizing this was because he’s still going through a very heated divorce.

Our kids have met and have exchanged numbers. Well, his ex wife messaged me through my child’s phone asking to speak with me. I felt bad doing this behind my boyfriends back but curiosity got the best of me and I called her.

First, she’s a therapist herself. She didn’t seem hostile at all but very level-headed and personable. So she began telling me a bit about their history and what lead to their divorce. And also warmed me that he’s been diagnosed by their couples therapist as being a narc and by her own observation/experience with him as well. He was verbally abusive to her- name calling, critical, telling her repeatedly he didn’t love her and wanted a divorce. She said she’s still shaken up by him and is scared of him.

Now he hasn’t been a saint with me as I went over in a previous post but he’s never name called or acted as horribly as he did to his ex.

Thing is I’m just wondering if she’s saying all this to scare me away? He’s told me she’s not particularly happy we are dating or our kids have met. And that she’s no saint herself, having broken up the marriage bc of her affair. He’s also said she has a big ego and was very controlling during the marriage. So who do I believe here?

And no I’m not scared of being alone nor is it codependency. We get along very well and I have a good connection with this man. I just wish I met him after his divorce issues were done bc of all the drama resulting from it.
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post #13 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 12:56 PM
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Re: So I talked to his ex..

First, there's a large distinction between having a narcissistic personality and having a disorder like NPD. He may well be on the narcissistic end of things but be perfectly healthy psychologically.

Also, language changes as we go on in life and the word 'narcissist' has entered the general vocabulary to mean 'self-centered.' This isn't the official definition in the fields of psychiatry or psychology.

Independent of the labeling, though, I would say that you absolutely don't want to be in the middle of any of this. He says, she says. You can't and won't win.

(And fwiw, I'm the only person I know who isn't a narcissist, lol. I'm the perfect INFJ.)
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post #14 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 12:58 PM
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Re: So I talked to his ex..

What you do is take anything she says about him with a grain of salt but take the warning to heart as well. Use your best judgment. You're the one spending time with him so you are the best one to judge how he treats you and what it means if anything. How he treated her is unrelated because as a couple they would have had a totally different dynamic.

He may end up being perfectly fine with you.

I just came out of an almost exact situation. I chose to leave because he treated me like a queen but treated everything and everyone else not so well. I knew it would be just a matter of time before our little bubble popped and he began to treat me like everyone else.
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post #15 of 47 (permalink) Old 12-03-2019, 01:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kerrbear View Post
I’ll just post a general reply bc sorry way to many to reply to here!

Yes same guy and yes lots of ups and downs but I was rationalizing this was because he’s still going through a very heated divorce.

Our kids have met and have exchanged numbers. Well, his ex wife messaged me through my child’s phone asking to speak with me. I felt bad doing this behind my boyfriends back but curiosity got the best of me and I called her.

First, she’s a therapist herself. She didn’t seem hostile at all but very level-headed and personable. So she began telling me a bit about their history and what lead to their divorce. And also warmed me that he’s been diagnosed by their couples therapist as being a narc and by her own observation/experience with him as well. He was verbally abusive to her- name calling, critical, telling her repeatedly he didn’t love her and wanted a divorce. She said she’s still shaken up by him and is scared of him.

Now he hasn’t been a saint with me as I went over in a previous post but he’s never name called or acted as horribly as he did to his ex.

Thing is I’m just wondering if she’s saying all this to scare me away? He’s told me she’s not particularly happy we are dating or our kids have met. And that she’s no saint herself, having broken up the marriage bc of her affair. He’s also said she has a big ego and was very controlling during the marriage. So who do I believe here?

And no I’m not scared of being alone nor is it codependency. We get along very well and I have a good connection with this man. I just wish I met him after his divorce issues were done bc of all the drama resulting from it.
First of all the fact that SHE reached out to you is a HUGE red flag against her. Of course she sounded calm, shes a therapist and used to dealing with people, she is a trained professional and knows how to compose herself. I think she is sticking her nose where it doesnt belong and working towards sabotaging your relationship and punishing her stbx.

I think you need to stop reaching out and asking everybody else's opinion of your relationship, especially entertaining people's ex's. It doesnt look very favorably on you and if I found out my GF was asking for everybody else's opinion I'd be done.

Has he mistreated you?, Has he been abusive? If you answer yes to these questions then you shouldn't need anybody else's opinion on the matter. There is also the distinct possibility that he may suffer triggers after being in an abusive relationship, maybe they both were horrible toward eachother...
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