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post #61 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-08-2019, 02:57 PM
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Re: Ex boyfriend got married?

It's like how people don't realize I'm black when they befriend me. Leter on, something may be said that brings that issue to the surface.

It can uncomfortable. My mother one time "outed" me. I took her to a happy hour of friends. Afterwards, at least one woman's behavior changed (much cooler) towards after that.

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post #62 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-08-2019, 03:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ex boyfriend got married?

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It's like how people don't realize I'm black when they befriend me. Leter on, something may be said that brings that issue to the surface.

It can uncomfortable. My mother one time "outed" me. I took her to a happy hour of friends. Afterwards, at least one woman's behavior changed (much cooler) towards after that.
But he knowingly was friends with us and dated me
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post #63 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-08-2019, 03:07 PM
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Re: Ex boyfriend got married?

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It's like how people don't realize I'm black when they befriend me. Leter on, something may be said that brings that issue to the surface.

It can uncomfortable. My mother one time "outed" me. I took her to a happy hour of friends. Afterwards, at least one woman's behavior changed (much cooler) towards after that.
Sorry you experience that.

So you are genetically black (have a large enough percentage that you or others consider you black?) yet your skin color and features don't look black?

I can't believe there are actually people who would treat you differently just because of your genetics, but treated you well when they didn't know. I guess had you also looked black they wouldn't have accepted you in the first place. Too bad for them! Are you going to remain fake friends with them now that you know they are racist?

I wouldn't.
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post #64 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-08-2019, 03:09 PM
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Re: Ex boyfriend got married?

Ok, enough about me.

I think what you are trying to do is to help yourself develop some tools so that you interpret the situation better. You don't mention here, but I bet if you could have predicted the end of this relationship better, there would be some things that you would done differently.

At some point in my life, I decided that the things I did in /for a relationship were an investment so I needed to know where this relationship was going. You might be too young for that kind of analysis but keep it in my mind when you are ready to settle down.

Did you think of any dealbreakers while you were dating this guy?

The other thing I learned is to treat meeting the family a privilege. How casual were these meetings with each other's family?

One way to look at this is to decide what you will give / offer in the various types of relationships, ie casual dating, FWB, exclusive; to head towards marriage; and stick to it. If he asks for more, then it's good time to discuss "what are we right now?"

This is not 100% foolproof as dealing with humans is a never a sure thing but I think it will help you to calibrate your generosity of resources ie time; concern; so on so as not to feel as if you lost a lot when the relationship does come to an end.
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post #65 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-08-2019, 03:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ex boyfriend got married?

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Ok, so you never thought of him being Jewish/Israeli and thought he was like you.

But what did he really think? Since you two had arguments about it, it's pretty clear that the anti-Israeli and anti-Semitism attitudes held by you and your friends bothered him a lot.

Of course he hid his true feelings. He wanted to fit in. He liked you on many levels, so he wanted to fit in. But how could he? It sounds like he came to a realization that he cannot go through life hiding who he is and pretending to be something else. He learned that lesson and matured. He found and married a woman who accepts his for who he is. Isn't that the basic foundation of any good relationship/marriage?

Apparently the fact that his wife is not anti whatever his genetics are is a big deal to him. It would be a big deal to most people.
@EleGirl Nooooo we didn't have arguments on anti israeli things. He never said anything on it. He just went ahead with it. He never had issues on that because he never associated with it so much. At least in front of us.

He knew we support BDS, Palestine and are against Israel. Yet he was insecure or played safe to stay with us including dating me

We/I never said anything when he went to synagogues.
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post #66 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-08-2019, 03:15 PM
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Re: Ex boyfriend got married?

I hope that you understand that his feelings for you are not an indication of your personal worth. It doesn't mean that you are objectively inferior to his wife. Attraction and love are very subjective.

Sometimes a person still has feelings for an ex- but starts dating others. As they say, the best way to get over one guy is to get under a new one. But yes, sometimes the feelings don't fade and you're still pining for the ex.

I have a friend who married a woman from his same Asian racial background. (Let's call it Vietnamese.) He dated white women and women from other Asian backgrounds, but he always had a certain woman in mind from when I met him. At one point he was dating three different women in three different cities, flying around the country to see each of them. He told me that this particular ex never worried when he dated another woman unless she was Vietnamese. When I heard that, I realized that he would only marry a Vietnamese woman. Sure enough, he reconciled with the ex and they are now long married with children.

Obviously, my friend had a particular type of woman in mind for him. At other times, you will meet a man who is perfect for you but it won't work out for various "timing issues": he's heartbroken over an ex, he's unemployed or not yet established enough in his career to settle down, etc. A lot of it comes down to timing. Try as best as you can to not take it too personally.

Also, I wouldn't necessarily assume that what is said at a wedding reception is the full, unvarnished truth. Couples over time revise their background stories to make them more romantic, and he was speaking before an audience that wanted to hear that their relationship was special and magical. It wasn't intended for your ears. If he were speaking privately to you, with his wife unable to hear, he might say something very different that would hurt her if she heard it.
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post #67 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-08-2019, 03:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ex boyfriend got married?

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I hope that you understand that his feelings for you are not an indication of your personal worth. It doesn't mean that you are objectively inferior to his wife. Attraction and love are very subjective.

Sometimes a person still has feelings for an ex- but starts dating others. As they say, the best way to get over one guy is to get under a new one. But yes, sometimes the feelings don't fade and you're still pining for the ex.

I have a friend who married a woman from his same Asian racial background. (Let's call it Vietnamese.) He dated white women and women from other Asian backgrounds, but he always had a certain woman in mind from when I met him. At one point he was dating three different women in three different cities, flying around the country to see each of them. He told me that this particular ex never worried when he dated another woman unless she was Vietnamese. When I heard that, I realized that he would only marry a Vietnamese woman. Sure enough, he reconciled with the ex and they are now long married with children.

Obviously, my friend had a particular type of woman in mind for him. At other times, you will meet a man who is perfect for you but it won't work out for various "timing issues": he's heartbroken over an ex, he's unemployed or not yet established enough in his career to settle down, etc. A lot of it comes down to timing. Try as best as you can to not take it too personally.

Also, I wouldn't necessarily assume that what is said at a wedding reception is the full, unvarnished truth. Couples over time revise their background stories to make them more romantic, and he was speaking before an audience that wanted to hear that their relationship was special and magical. It wasn't intended for your ears. If he were speaking privately to you, with his wife unable to hear, he might say something very different that would hurt her if she heard it.
So you mean to say he was lying and he doesnt love her right? That he still loves me and would hurt her for me?
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post #68 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-08-2019, 03:30 PM
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Re: Ex boyfriend got married?

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I already wrote he said it was "love at first sight" for him the first time he saw her as he explained and that's how he spent 1 year trying to get her but failed.

Hmm ok

Ironically he married her on the exact same date he first saw her
When I met my husband it was love at first sight....for me. I saw his face and just knew he was it, my "the one". A few weeks later, he came to a party at my house and we ended up going on a long walk and talking, but he didn't flirt or make any moves. A couple days after that he called and asked if I would be at the same club we met at because he wanted to spend time with me. Then, when we were there, he still didn't make a move. After a while, I figured I mistook him and he just wanted to be friends. Ok, then. Other fish in the sea. There was a handsome and charming guy named T I could always chat with and see where it goes. Luckily, DH made a move before the end of the night and that's that. Had he not made a move, I'd have gone on to date another man. Why? Because I wouldn't waste my life waiting around for or hoping for an impossibility.

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.

He met her, it didn't work, he moved on to you. No reason not to. She wasn't interested. When you and he split he got a 2nd chance and, this time, it worked.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #69 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-08-2019, 03:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ex boyfriend got married?

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When I met my husband it was love at first sight....for me. I saw his face and just knew he was it, my "the one". A few weeks later, he came to a party at my house and we ended up going on a long walk and talking, but he didn't flirt or make any moves. A couple days after that he called and asked if I would be at the same club we met at because he wanted to spend time with me. Then, when we were there, he still didn't make a move. After a while, I figured I mistook him and he just wanted to be friends. Ok, then. Other fish in the sea. There was a handsome and charming guy named T I could always chat with and see where it goes. Luckily, DH made a move before the end of the night and that's that. Had he not made a move, I'd have gone on to date another man. Why? Because I wouldn't waste my life waiting around for or hoping for an impossibility.

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.

He met her, it didn't work, he moved on to you. No reason not to. She wasn't interested. When you and he split he got a 2nd chance and, this time, it worked.
She was interested. He spent a year chasing but it failed due to his attitude. Already wrote that in my post. They had misunderstandings.
Then he moved away and we got together.
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post #70 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-08-2019, 03:35 PM
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Re: Ex boyfriend got married?

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So you mean to say he was lying and he doesnt love her right? That he still loves me and would hurt her for me?
I don't know whether he is lying to her about the circumstances of their romance. But he loves her and he married her. There is nothing more for you to do than to grieve and move on to the next man. There are a gazillion good, single men out there who would love to marry you.


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post #71 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-08-2019, 03:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ex boyfriend got married?

@Adelais and @EleGirl pls give your comments on the quoted replies
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post #72 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-08-2019, 03:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ex boyfriend got married?

I just dont seem to fathom how doing courses on judaism or hatred against jewish people makes her a better candidate for him?
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post #73 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-08-2019, 03:55 PM
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Re: Ex boyfriend got married?

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She was interested. He spent a year chasing but it failed due to his attitude. Already wrote that in my post. They had misunderstandings.
Then he moved away and we got together.
You seem to be missing the point.

He fell in love with her and spent a year "chasing her" as you put it. She didn't want him and sent him on his way. He did the sensible thing and, despite what he may have felt for her, moved on with his life. He dated you. It didn't work. They reconnected and it did work. That simple.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #74 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-08-2019, 03:58 PM
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Re: Ex boyfriend got married?

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I'm honestly more unhappy because I didnt know that he actually liked this girl before me.
He gave a speech at his wedding. Of course he's not going to mention you! The speech is about their love and their relationship, not about all the people and things that happened when they weren't together.

People can love more than one person at a time. It is probable that he never really got over her, even while he was with you. It's a good thing that you two broke up. Let it go and move on with your life, however, you have learned an important lesson about getting to know someone very well before giving him your heart. In the future, once you begin to get serious with someone you may want to inquire more thoroughly about their other relationships, if you haven't already learned that information.


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post #75 of 98 (permalink) Old 12-08-2019, 04:00 PM
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Re: Ex boyfriend got married?

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@EleGirl Nooooo we didn't have arguments on anti israeli things. He never said anything on it. He just went ahead with it. He never had issues on that because he never associated with it so much. At least in front of us.

He knew we support BDS, Palestine and are against Israel. Yet he was insecure or played safe to stay with us including dating me

We/I never said anything when he went to synagogues.
You also said that you supported people who are anti-sematic. That goes beyond being anti-Israel and supporting BDS. You did not need to say anything about him going to synagogues. I knew what your thoughts are about it.

My bet is that he thought that he could have friends with your outlook on Israel and his religion. He might have been insecure. Or maybe he was trying to be open minded. He found that this did not work with him.

Since you two did not have arguments over anti-Israeli things, then you had arguments over things related to your relationship (I suppose). It sounds like you both found that you were not compatible. So, you two broke up. Thatís it. As someone else said, what he does in his life after you two broke up is none of your business. Iím not saying that to be mean. Iím saying it because you need to realize this for your own peace of mind.

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