Dates, and finding fun things to do - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

User Tag List

 63Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #31 of 43 (permalink) Old 01-10-2020, 05:38 PM
Member
 
Andy1001's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 6,395
Re: Dates, and finding fun things to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Nail View Post
OK so it looks like this.
In order to take this vacation I need to buy it on about Feb 10th. You need to have your work schedule confirmed by then.
Is that too harsh?
You could add that you really want her to come but if she doesnít want to come you understand and will travel alone. This lowers the aggressive tone of your comment without lessening youíre intention.


When someone says itís not the money itís the principle,itís always the money.
Andy1001 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #32 of 43 (permalink) Old 01-11-2020, 10:51 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Cynthia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 7,275
Re: Dates, and finding fun things to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Nail View Post
OK so it looks like this.
In order to take this vacation I need to buy it on about Feb 10th. You need to have your work schedule confirmed by then.
Is that too harsh?
It does sound a bit harsh. Maybe start with and endearment, like Honey or whatever you call her. Tell her you've been looking at vacations and are really excited and want her to go with you. You have to book by February 10th, so please make sure by that date so you don't have to go alone.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


Standard Evidence Thread:
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Cynthia is offline  
post #33 of 43 (permalink) Old 01-11-2020, 11:06 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 2,207
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cynthia View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Nail View Post
OK so it looks like this.
In order to take this vacation I need to buy it on about Feb 10th. You need to have your work schedule confirmed by then.
Is that too harsh?
It does sound a bit harsh. Maybe start with and endearment, like Honey or whatever you call her. Tell her you've been looking at vacations and are really excited and want her to go with you. You have to book by February 10th, so please make sure by that date so you don't have to go alone.
I don't think it sounds harsh. I think it isn't harsh enough. She already showed you she spends time in HR when SHE wants to. She doesn't give a **** about going on vacation with you. Until the 10th??? Why would she need that much time? Someone who wants to book a vacation asks for the time off like-- the very next morning.
Livvie is offline  
 
post #34 of 43 (permalink) Old 01-11-2020, 04:32 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Cynthia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 7,275
Re: Dates, and finding fun things to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Livvie View Post
I don't think it sounds harsh. I think it isn't harsh enough. She already showed you she spends time in HR when SHE wants to. She doesn't give a **** about going on vacation with you. Until the 10th??? Why would she need that much time? Someone who wants to book a vacation asks for the time off like-- the very next morning.
I find a gentle approach is more likely to get a positive response. Being firm and being harsh are not the same thing. It can be said kindly, yet clearly. He wants her to go with him.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


Standard Evidence Thread:
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Cynthia is offline  
post #35 of 43 (permalink) Old 01-12-2020, 01:54 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 1,344
Re: Dates, and finding fun things to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Nail View Post
Thanks everyone ( @Marduk , @Tilted 1 , @The Outlaw , @Andy1001 ) for looking at this and taking it seriously. I know that my situation is hard to understand. I do think that I do need to start going alone again. You know going for a hike alone is a bit scary, but I did it. I know I'm supposed to leave plans behind so I can be found if I don't return. I've gotten used to going to movies alone. Makes me feel a bit like an alcoholic that drinks alone. Flying out for a 4 day holiday, Wow I'm just not sure I can do that. I don't mind throwing away the money, but actually going, Alone. Staying, Alone. That sounds a bit big for me. What if I can't get a last minute ticket for her?



I'm going to what if myself to death. This is a man up moment isn't it?


I work hard and I deserve a vacation, with or without someone. And so do you. Iíve vacationed plenty of times by myself. You need to make yourself a priority because you are important too. And you need to know that and so does your wife.
Girl_power is offline  
post #36 of 43 (permalink) Old 01-12-2020, 01:56 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 1,344
Re: Dates, and finding fun things to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cynthia View Post
I find a gentle approach is more likely to get a positive response. Being firm and being harsh are not the same thing. It can be said kindly, yet clearly. He wants her to go with him.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


I agree. Babe I miss spending quality time together and we both work so hard we are due for a vacation! I just booked this trip, I really hope you can get off work because I really need this vacation.
Girl_power is offline  
post #37 of 43 (permalink) Old 01-12-2020, 03:38 AM
Member
 
Andy1001's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 6,395
Re: Dates, and finding fun things to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Girl_power View Post
I agree. Babe I miss spending quality time together and we both work so hard we are due for a vacation! I just booked this trip, I really hope you can get off work because I want you to come with me .

When someone says itís not the money itís the principle,itís always the money.
Andy1001 is offline  
post #38 of 43 (permalink) Old 01-12-2020, 05:33 AM
Member
 
Blondilocks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: SoCal
Posts: 7,215
Re: Dates, and finding fun things to do

I don't think his statement is harsh or aggressive. The only thing I would suggest is saying "we" need to book it by...

Some people are really sensitive.

I could give up chocolate but I'm not a quitter.
Blondilocks is offline  
post #39 of 43 (permalink) Old 01-12-2020, 05:36 AM
Member
 
Blondilocks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: SoCal
Posts: 7,215
Re: Dates, and finding fun things to do

As for who plans dates, both. It's a team effort if you're a couple. Making one person take on the responsibility of entertainment director gets old really fast.

I could give up chocolate but I'm not a quitter.
Blondilocks is offline  
post #40 of 43 (permalink) Old 01-12-2020, 07:47 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2019
Location: Midwest/Plains
Posts: 1,668
Re: Dates, and finding fun things to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Nail View Post
OK so it looks like this.
In order to take this vacation I need to buy it on about Feb 10th. You need to have your work schedule confirmed by then.
Is that too harsh?
All these years have taken a toll on you, Mr N, so much so you have forgotten to be your own person. And l say this as you already dread a lone trip. Why do you give her this type of control? You are just as important as she, but she thinks she's move valuable to your relationship and she proving this.

Why the reason for kid gloves. Plan set the date, don't go in circles anymore. Plan this as a holiday not a death sentence. Or you are nothing but are a shell of what was once you.


If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
Tilted 1 is offline  
post #41 of 43 (permalink) Old 01-12-2020, 08:09 AM
Member
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 16,179
Cool Re: Dates, and finding fun things to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Girl_power View Post
Whose job is it to make plans, and find fun things to do together? And does this change when your dating vs when your married.
No! Premarital, as well as post marital, both partners have the inherent duty take the time to plan their extracurricular outings, both individually and jointly!

Keeping in mind that their main goal in this endeavor is to basically please their partner as well as each other!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story!
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
arbitrator is offline  
post #42 of 43 (permalink) Old 01-12-2020, 10:32 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 85
Re: Dates, and finding fun things to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Girl_power View Post
Yea I think itís hard bc we are kind of raised or brainwashed as a society to expect men to ďmake the movesĒ. To ask us out, to plan dates, to propose marriage, to initiate the first kiss, to initiate sex. To lead or make decisions.

I am not going to plan a romantic date for my boyfriend. I think we are still expected to be woed. For the man to be the do-er.
(

Actually, sticking to the societal "brainwashing" has always worked well for me in the very, very, beginning of the getting to know each other phase. However, once it has been firmly established that you guys are a couple, either one can suggest things to do. The reason why I stuck with the pattern that we have been "brainwashed" by, is that men have also been brainwashed to view women who "chase" men as being desperate, undesirable, aggressive and/or masculine. Of course there are men who are exceptions, but not enough for me to break that pattern.

With my husband and I, (married nearly 3 years, not a first marriage for either one of us), we both like to do so much of the same stuff, that often we can't remember who's idea it was first. I'll go online to my FB page and see that he marked "Interested" in an event, so I'll mark "interested" as well, then share the event with him via messenger and add a note saying something like "Would you like to be my date for this concert ? " with a smiley face. Later on, he might say that this was a good idea I had, and I'll say, that I saw that he marked "interested" and he won't remember. (We are both senior citizens, not remembering stuff is a regular feature of our life ) Very often we both spontaneously come up with an idea. We were at a "2nd Saturday" in our neighborhood, went inside the performing arts center, and were both looking at the posters for upcoming stage productions. We both pointed out the upcoming productions we would like to see. So who should be considered the "initiator" of those outings ?

If you are still in the courtship phase, and this guy is initiating dates frequently, I think it's OK to stick with that. Once coupledom has been established, the by all means make suggestions. The longer you are together, the better feel you will have for what kind of outings you would both enjoy together. With my hubby, I know if I suggest live music, live stage play or a local dive bar to hang out at, he will enthusiastically agree to go and we will have a blast. Any road trip to any where, he will be on board with. However, if I want to go to an art museum or the ballet, then I know that is a girl's night out . . . If he wants to go on a river trip with his buddies then I know I have a week or two of doing girls night out with girlfriends. At this point, we both share the planning of our activities and dates.
RubyRing is offline  
post #43 of 43 (permalink) Old 01-13-2020, 06:08 PM
Member
 
Mr. Nail's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 4,325
Re: Dates, and finding fun things to do

Follow up:
So She fixed the problem so she can access her schedules Today (first work day since we talked). And she called from work to let me know, That's a first. Dates are approved.
Mr. Nail is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in










Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome