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post #31 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 11:07 PM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

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Do you consider all the time, effort, interest in the single girl worth it? What about her is so enticing? What would she label y'all's relationship?
I would be careful about fooling around with younger women. She has nothing to lose like you do. The attraction isn't there. There is no longer the economic imperative like in the olden days that made older men more attractive to younger women.

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post #32 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 07:04 AM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

Your wife may not want to insult you by displaying jealousy. Your wife may have grown tired of you wanting to party like it's 1999. Whatever she is thinking or feeling, you won't know unless you ask her.

It sounds like you're in a rut and are using the parties to fill a void. Think about what would really add value to your life and make it more interesting for you.

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post #33 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 07:42 AM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

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Originally Posted by JustTheWife View Post
Jealousy is not always unhealthy. In fact, it's a very natural emotion. And perfectly healthy if not out of control. The OP is concerned about the absence of jealousy which does not mean the same thing as "jealousy means she loves me". Since it's a normal emotional reaction to someone getting closer to your mate, the absence jealousy for this can naturally raise concerns.

Nothing to do with jealousy but if your spouse tells you they are going away for three weeks, it's natural to expect them to express some kind of disappointment and other emotional reaction to you being away. if they simply say "OK" and walk away, that's going to raise some concerns. It might be nice at times to have a relaxed spouse that doesn't get all excited over that kind of thing but it can be odd to not see any emotional reaction over this.

People may not like the OP's tone and some things he said but I can totally understand the concern.
Or it's simply an excuse to cover for his own behavior. I mean the guy said it himself. He's doing things he would be very upset with if it was his wife doing those exact same things. Why does the conversation have to go much further than that being wrong... in so many ways? He knows what he's doing is inappropriate, but just keeps at it until... what? Is he daring his wife to say stop? And if she doesn't, is that permission to continue? Testing her limits?

I think that's an entirely different thing than wondering why his wife seems to not care about what he's up to. That seems to be a given. His response is just simply wrong.
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post #34 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 08:18 AM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

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Things got a bit dodgy, there were some bad optics, I put the breaks on and apologized to my wife.
Care to elaborate? Or are you talking about the hotel room incident already discussed here? Or is this something different?

"I put the breaks on" tells me this woman friend of yours is DTF? Did I get that right?
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post #35 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 08:18 AM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

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Your wife may not want to insult you by displaying jealousy. Your wife may have grown tired of you wanting to party like it's 1999. Whatever she is thinking or feeling, you won't know unless you ask her.

It sounds like you're in a rut and are using the parties to fill a void. Think about what would really add value to your life and make it more interesting for you.
Maybe in the wife's mind the relationship is already finished. Before it became obvious that our marriage had collapsed, my exH was agreeing with me about everything including some long running differences.

Your wife may not be as content as her behavior may suggest.
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post #36 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 08:21 AM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

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Care to elaborate? Or are you talking about the hotel room incident already discussed here? Or is this something different?

"I put the breaks on" tells me this woman friend of yours is DTF? Did I get that right?
A never married , no kids 31 year old ....... I bet she's looking for a baby. You'll be paying child support at a time when she's blocking you from having visitation.

As long as you're hanging with this woman at meetup activities, you are cockblocking other guys who have been interested in.
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post #37 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 09:13 AM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

This may just be your wife's personality.

My now-ex-husband was a bit of a party animal. He also always had lots of pretty female friends he was openly flirty with. And the habit of living his life like a single man. When I'm hurt, angry, jealous, or simply feel gravely disrespected, I don't lash out. I withdraw. To protect myself, but also to give myself time to really analyze the situation and figure out if my feelings are rational given the factual information or whether I'm over-reacting.

But I'm also the type that if you ask me to choose between you and my self-respect, I'll pick me. Every. Time. Which means I don't police my guy. I don't try make him behave or respect my boundaries with jealous or controlling behavior. And I also don't have any interest in being with a man who just isn't very interested in respecting me, my boundaries, or our relationship. We can have a conversation or a discussion about expectations. But I won't "fight" for a man who is clearly interested in being elsewhere. If he doesn't want to be with me then he's free to go. I absolutely will not be put in the role of scolding mommy to a rebellious teen who's wildly testing the boundaries. To anyone who sees a hot temper, jealous behavior, or fiery arguments as signals of passion and intense love, that reaction can appear cold and disinterested. In reality, it's just an intense, and hard-won, self-respect. I really am too proud to beg - especially for things that should be part and parcel of a healthy relationship to begin with.

OP, it's entirely possible that your wife is hurt by your behavior but has zero interest in playing the jealous shrew. She may also feel that she's above doing the "pick me" dance for her own husband while he's clearly distracted by his little friend.

Keep up the exceptionally poor boundaries, and you may one day find that your wife is no longer waiting at home for you to finish playing at being single. And you'll probably be baffled by her leaving. Because 'she never said she was unhappy'....

Ask yourself some questions: Should your wife have to tell you she's unhappy with this level of disrespect and your crappy boundaries? Why is that her job? Is she your mom? Or the marriage police? Why do you need or want her to make you behave yourself?

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi
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post #38 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 09:26 AM
 
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

Like others have said, you're playing with fire with the young gal. You know you are.... but she makes you feel good. Her energy and youth are addictive.

Then you have the double-whammy of a wife basically giving you the vibes of, "Oh, you wanna hang out with the bimbo? Go ahead, casanova. Knock yourself out."

Good for her. Shows she has confidence in herself, and frankly, she's above playing your games. If you were to take another step over the line with the young gal, she would probably quietly serve you with divorce papers, take half of everything, and coldly leave you to your newly-found party life. Everyone would probably applaud her for it, too.


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post #39 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 09:35 AM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

Rather than pile on I'll try to give you something new to do/think about:

1 - IMO, your wife's lack of jealousy is a function of her past life experience, self confidence and strong moral code/core values that she projects onto you (plus you've never done anything to indicate that she can't trust you). In your wife's mind, you two are a team (her safe place) that is above adultery.

Note, your wife's self confidence and trust in you (i.e., lack of jealousy) is not an indicator that she would not be devastated if you had an affair. It's probably just the opposite and would permanently damage her.

2 - Boundaries protect a marriage in our unanticipated most vulnerable moments. We all tend to think we're unique but we're not. There's solid research evidence that the great majority of adulterers never thought they were capable of cheating and did not go looking for an affair.

For your own education I suggest you read: "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass. It's an easy short read, based on studies of couples that experienced infidelity. IMO all couples should read this book. You can pick it up used on Amazon.

I think you'll find that boundaries are more than just something that your spouse imposes when they are jealous - rather boundaries are 'walls' that every spouse should utilize in order to protect their marriage (including both husband & wife, kids, grandparents ....).

3 - Finally, in an effort to further discuss your wife's lack of jealousy, consider asking your wife to read this book and then (over a bottle of wine) discussing how it would apply to your marriage.

I wish you both well.
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post #40 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 09:38 AM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

I also see your defensiveness, in your replys to other lashing out to prove your view is correct at all costs. Your a linear thinker. And truthfully there is no arguing with you or pointing out what's wrong with the picture you painted for us , because if it doesn't fit your narrative then it's BS and not constructive criticism for you.

So in all truth this is the reason your wife shows no jealousy, there is no way she can have a grown-up mature conversation, because you only see responses that fit your narrative.

And deflect and attack those responses because you feel intellectually superior. So then you have just show us here WHY your wife shows no jealousy. It is as simple as this.

Your the Reason!


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If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
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post #41 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 10:26 AM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

OP:

Maybe your wife trusts you completely. That is a rare thing, and if you betray that trust you will show yourself to be a man with no honor. I worry that you are heading that way - testing things ever further.

Maybe she just assumes you are having an affair and is OK with it. Maybe because she is doing so as well.

Maybe she is deeply concerned but doesn't want to tell you.

Talk to her - find out what her boundaries are.
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post #42 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 10:39 AM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

I think everyone is wrong, including OP.

Your wife probably does not care because she has a boyfriend of her own. She probably could not care less who you screw or don't screw.

One other possibility is she is waiting for you to screw up so she can take you to the cleaners.

Like someone already said, you need to talk with her.

And guess what, if no one said it yet, you are already having an affair with this girl. I am suspecting that you and all your perfectness will get played soon...

I just hope you have the guts to come back a tell us when that happens.

One question, why be in a marriage where you spend very little time with your wife? What is that about???
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post #43 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 10:39 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

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Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
You're creating a problem where none exists. She's not jealous. Jealousy isn't healthy, and you are wanting her to show unhealthy attitudes. Perhaps she feels that she's just dump your sorry ass if you transgress her boundaries, whatever they are. Besides, it's YOUR responsibility to respect the boundaries you'd want for both her and yourself. So, you are the problem here, not her.

Also, my wife isn't jealous. I can (and do) hang out with women friends, quite often. My wife is always welcome but seldom comes along. I even have her permission to have sex with any of my female friends who'd want me (that hasn't happened very often, believe me!), and she'd just say, "Have a fun time, honey!" I have a few insecurities, but feel the same way when she hangs out with her male friends (which she does, just not as often).
I disagree that jealousy isn't healthy. We can't pretend that we have no jealousy or even envy--these are universal, common human emotions.

Too much jealousy and possessiveness is bad for sure (and those are two different things), and such emotions should be held in check as much as possible, but if you have none at all? The author of the article says "My take on jealousy is plain and simple, it is there and it will always be, deal with it. Because darling the day that emotion has drained out from me know that you arenít loved anymore. I am the quintessential (typical) girlfriend from some other planet who wants her man all by herself"

In other words, that woman is being dead honest and not parroting pop-psychology nonsense. We are human beings, and if we love someone, especially a spouse, we are going to be a bit territorial and a bit jealous at times. The only times I've experienced no jealousy at all is when I didn't care what the girl I was with did--I was already looking beyond her
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post #44 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 10:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

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Whatever you would feel jealous of if your wife did it, don't do it yourself. I have pretty strong boundaries with the opposite sex, the things you do are way over that boundary.
I have no idea why your wife doesn't seem bothered, especially as in many ways you are acting as if you are single, but she clearly doesn't.
The main issue here is your completely inappropriate behaviour with the other woman, and your social life generally.
My husband hasn't got a jealous bone in his body, but I am pretty sure he would recognise that what is going on here is completely inappropriate behaviour on your part.
Aside from staying in a hotel room too long with a single girl--something that I apologized to my wife for, what "inappropriate behavior" are you talking about exactly?

It seems like the ladies here (and some of the men) are deliberately misreading me and jumping to conclusions. I have never touched this girl, nor even said anything inappropriate to her. I have been a gentleman, and have no intention of cheating.

Now it could be said that I have gotten too emotionally close to her, but that is based on the idea that I cannot be as close to a girl as one of my guy friends (I do have close friendships with guys as well). That might be true, given that I am married, and I understand that position.
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post #45 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 10:59 AM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

Everybody is different. I am very territorial over my man. I am also insecure, and have self esteem issues. My ďjealousyĒ is a reflection of who I am, not the person I am with.

Your wife lack of jealousy tells me about her, not how she feels about you. Actions tell me how people feel about the other person, as well as who they are. If that makes since.

And bc Iím insecure I like to be with territorial men. Not controlling but I like them to not want me to do something that may cross a boundary . My exH never got jealous and never cared what I did. It made me insecure and feel unloved. But again this is my issue with myself.


So what Iím saying is... your wife is fine. She loves you. The issue is you and how you receive love. It is what it is and you Canít change how you feel.
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