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post #46 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 11:15 AM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

Manny,

It does seem odd that with all those details your W was not jealous. I often get a similar response from my W.

The last one was a month or so ago. Some lady from church messaged me that she wanted me to take her into the woods, my W just said she is lonely and unloved when I showed her the message. Were that me I would have gone nuts. My W also continued to help this woman with her life issues after that as well.

A few thoughts I have on why...

*Perhaps this is ok taking into consideration my Ws cheating, she once said she couldn't blame me for cheating if I had done it

*My wife knows me too well, it's most true I'm temperamentally incapable of cheating

*My wife wouldn't care if I cheated as she'd be fine with no sex for life

*I've always told my W when some woman was being forward with me

*My W thinks she is so much better looking than me that I wouldn't risk it

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post #47 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 11:21 AM
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@Manny1400 you've received some good suggestions as to why your wife is not jealous. Do you think any of those suggestions fit your wife's personality?
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post #48 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 11:22 AM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

What kind of reaction do you expect from your wife?

I'm not the jealous type. I view jealousy as a very immature and insecure behavior. I hate drama.

Do you want more attention from your wife? Do you feel lonely when you go out without her? I feel something is missing. Be careful with your midlife crisis because you might do or say things you'll regret in the future.

My husband works in customer service. He talks and interacts with women all day. He's got female friends. He goes out of town with friends, he's very social. I don't feel jealous of him having a social life. I trust him and he's shown me he's loyal to me. Why would I feel jealous when he's showing me he's not doing anything wrong? I'm happy when he's happy!

Maybe your wife doesn't show interest in your social life? And you need that type of attention? My husband tells me what he did after a night out, and I ask questions about it. I always ask if he had fun.

I wouldn't like my husband to spend the night at a hotel, though. Not because of me feeling jealous but because I'd miss him. My husband takes an Uber back if he's drinking.

How's your relationship with your wife apart from the non jealous behavior? Do you guys communicate well? What do you do together for fun?

The person who's having issues with this subject is you, not your wife. You can always ask her and see what she thinks about it. Actually, you should discuss this subject with her and find out what she's really feeling instead of asking a bunch of strangers that know nothing about your marriage.

Good luck!
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post #49 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 11:28 AM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

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Originally Posted by aquarius1 View Post
Becoming defensive is not serving your overall purpose.

While I admit that some of us come across rather strong (myself included), please understand that everyone expresses themselves differently and we are all here because we truly want to help. Some do it by challenging you. Some do it by calling you out. Some are more subtle. Respect all opinions (unless of course they are totally batsh*t crazy..lol)

Now I got that rant out of the way, please don't get upset because your wife doesn't get jealous. I've been married to a man who is exactly the same for 28 years. At one point I thought that he must not care about me if he doesn't get jealous. I have male friends that I lunch with, old school chums I keep up with by email. I keep him informed but he never pries. Perhaps you think that she doesn't care. Just test that theory and watch what happens. Better yet, don't.

Let me tell you what it really is (based on what I've learned). She is confident in herself. Confident in you. Confident in your marriage. There are posters here who would LOVE to have the kind of wife that you have.

As someone else put it, you are seeking external validation for some reason. Please seek an answer for your own peace of mind. Do you feel unloved? Undesired? Bored? Have you talked to your wife about this? Doesn't she deserve to know given your years together?

And please, stop putting yourself into these dangerous yes, DANGEROUS situations. All it takes is the right words, a little too much alcohol and you have thrown away EVERYTHING that you hold dear. Read up on some who have made that mistake or worse yet, had it done to them. It's ruinous for the cheated on spouse.

Women tend to know when other women are a threat to their man. Your wife doesn't perceive this other girl as a threat for one reason or another. Your wife probably knows this other girl wouldn't sleep with you.

Also, I don't believe in jealousy, haven't in many years. Is what jealousy really is, is your sixth sense telling you something is not quite right. If I get that feeling, I let my wife know and it's up to her to fix it. Same goes for her. If it's not fixed, then it's time to move on as I believe your SO should move heaven and earth to ascertain you don't ever have those feelings for long.
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post #50 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 11:30 AM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

Women tend to know when other women are a threat to their man. Your wife doesn't perceive this other girl as a threat for one reason or another. Your wife knows this other girl wouldn't sleep with you even if you wanted to.

Also, I don't believe in jealousy, haven't in many years. Is what jealousy really is, is your sixth sense protecting you, telling you something is not quite right. If I get that feeling, I let my wife know and it's up to her to fix it, and fast. Same goes for her. If it's not fixed, then it's time to move on as I believe your SO should move heaven and earth to ascertain you don't ever have those feelings for long.
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post #51 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 11:51 AM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

In thinking about some of the responses, even if your wife were to become jealous in a broader sense, that wouldn't resolve your self admitted mid-life crisis. I think we often look to our spouses to fix what is broken in us, but that's not fair to them, really. Sure, marriages can be broken, but it sounds like you are looking for your wife to make you feel better or more important. If she reacts in the way you desire, will that cause your mid-life crisis to stop? Will you suddenly be fulfilled? Will the attention of this other woman cease to matter?

I don't know you and the specifics of your marriage, but marriage is just one part of our lives, not our whole life. We need to feel whole and happy within ourselves, and expecting marriage to compensate for all the broken parts within ourselves, is not fair to our spouses. So, if you admit to being in some sort of mid-life crisis, it might be helpful to get some private counseling to figure out why you're feeling this way at this time in your life.

Every now and then, you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. - unknown
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post #52 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 12:09 PM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

There is nothing wrong in protecting what you value.

If you want to call it jealousy, well, that's your problem.
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post #53 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 01:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

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Originally Posted by TAMAT View Post
Manny,

It does seem odd that with all those details your W was not jealous. I often get a similar response from my W.

The last one was a month or so ago. Some lady from church messaged me that she wanted me to take her into the woods, my W just said she is lonely and unloved when I showed her the message. Were that me I would have gone nuts. My W also continued to help this woman with her life issues after that as well.

A few thoughts I have on why...

*Perhaps this is ok taking into consideration my Ws cheating, she once said she couldn't blame me for cheating if I had done it

*My wife knows me too well, it's most true I'm temperamentally incapable of cheating

*My wife wouldn't care if I cheated as she'd be fine with no sex for life

*I've always told my W when some woman was being forward with me

*My W thinks she is so much better looking than me that I wouldn't risk it
I am virtually certain my wife isn't cheating (thankfully), but I see your point there for sure.

I explained to her one time during a deep discussion that I would never cheat, because it would be the equivalent of not only cheating on her, but also cheating on the kids. My father cheated on my wife when I was a kid, and I know how bad that can be. So after explaining all this to her, she just nodded. I was like "you don't have anything to add to this"? Paranoia maybe, but ...

My wife has the code to my cellphone and PC. She can look at my stuff if she wants, and I keep her informed on virtually everything. I don't keep secrets from her. Like you, I tell her if a woman was forward with me. I think it is the best policy, because if some guy was forward with her, I would want to know.
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post #54 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 01:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

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Originally Posted by pastasauce79 View Post
What kind of reaction do you expect from your wife?

I'm not the jealous type. I view jealousy as a very immature and insecure behavior. I hate drama.

Do you want more attention from your wife? Do you feel lonely when you go out without her? I feel something is missing. Be careful with your midlife crisis because you might do or say things you'll regret in the future.

My husband works in customer service. He talks and interacts with women all day. He's got female friends. He goes out of town with friends, he's very social. I don't feel jealous of him having a social life. I trust him and he's shown me he's loyal to me. Why would I feel jealous when he's showing me he's not doing anything wrong? I'm happy when he's happy!

Maybe your wife doesn't show interest in your social life? And you need that type of attention? My husband tells me what he did after a night out, and I ask questions about it. I always ask if he had fun.

I wouldn't like my husband to spend the night at a hotel, though. Not because of me feeling jealous but because I'd miss him. My husband takes an Uber back if he's drinking.

How's your relationship with your wife apart from the non jealous behavior? Do you guys communicate well? What do you do together for fun?

The person who's having issues with this subject is you, not your wife. You can always ask her and see what she thinks about it. Actually, you should discuss this subject with her and find out what she's really feeling instead of asking a bunch of strangers that know nothing about your marriage.

Good luck!
Our relationship is very good for the most part. We rarely ever fight, and we don't have worries over money, and do go out to have fun together. I take her to operas, plays, etc. Date nights are important.

She is extremely pragmatic and practical, and a bit shy in the presence of company. She is either stone-faced and in control, or in tears (pretty rare), and has an easy-going personality. My friends like her, and she does come out with me to some of these events and meetups. She is very intelligent and from a pretty wealthy family (which introduces some complications--I will put that in another post). She is also a few years older than me.

Unlike me, she isn't "moved" by things like art, literature and music. Sure, she likes that stuff, but I can get lost in a book of poetry or a symphony, and will want to talk at length about it--she is like "oh that's nice". I know that sounds a bit harsh or critical, but not everyone is like me in regards to that stuff. I am very imaginative and a bit fiery: she is the exact opposite. I sometimes find myself wishing that she would let her hair down a bit, get a little more conviction about some things, etc.

Sex life is good, but not great. We had a rough patch with that a few years ago, but things have improved quite a bit.

One note on the hotel stuff: I have very bad night vision, so if I go out to a party or even into the city, I do not like to drive home, even if I haven't had a drop of alcohol. That is the primary reason for me to gt a room, but I haven't done it that many times.
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post #55 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 01:41 PM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

My take is that she isn't jealous because

A) She is blindingly, trustingly, naive

B) She believes you'll never leave her, so she's just turning a blind eye to keep the peace and marriage together.

C) She really doesn't care

or

D) the fact that you seem to spend so much time on hobbies, meetups, dinners, hiking, and in hotels away from her and home for same that she's simply detached and cares, but only to the extent necessary to continue a marriage with you.

I love my husband and I want him to have a happy life. That said, I wouldn't tolerate him having what is basically an open emotional affair complete with dates and midnight conversations in hotel rooms about her (lack of) sex life for more than the 30 seconds it would take for me to come out of the shock and call a lawyer.


Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #56 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 01:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

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Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
My take is that she isn't jealous because

A) She is blindingly, trustingly, naive

B) She believes you'll never leave her, so she's just turning a blind eye to keep the peace and marriage together.

C) She really doesn't care

or

D) the fact that you seem to spend so much time on hobbies, meetups, dinners, hiking, and in hotels away from her and home for same that she's simply detached and cares, but only to the extent necessary to continue a marriage with you.

I love my husband and I want him to have a happy life. That said, I wouldn't tolerate him having what is basically an open emotional affair complete with dates and midnight conversations in hotel rooms about her (lack of) sex life for more than the 30 seconds it would take for me to come out of the shock and call a lawyer.
Let me specify that I spend tons of time with my wife, and she is often with me on these meetups, etc. I don't blow her off or neglect her, but I have been out without her numerous times. She also goes out with her friends and has fun, and I've never once told her she couldn't--she doesn't need "permission".

And I don't think I've had an emotional affair, although that is a danger, and I've taken some steps to prevent it.
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post #57 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 01:59 PM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

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Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
I love my husband and I want him to have a happy life. That said, I wouldn't tolerate him having what is basically an open emotional affair complete with dates and midnight conversations in hotel rooms about her (lack of) sex life for more than the 30 seconds it would take for me to come out of the shock and call a lawyer.
This.

I love my SO and love for him to be happy. But I wouldn't tolerate him carrying on like the OP is.

That said, I also wouldn't snoop through his phone/computer, start a fight about it, yell and cry at him, or otherwise display open jealousy about it. Not because I wouldn't be bothered by the behavior. But, rather, because I just don't do those sorts of things. I don't react to disrespect of my boundaries with temper and flame. I just leave. And I would absolutely leave him if my SO were doing what the OP is. There just wouldn't be any drama about it - before, during, or after.

Any drive I might ever have had to deal with - fight against, try to police - that level of disrespect was pretty much completely snuffed out while dealing with my now-ex-husband.

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi
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post #58 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 02:00 PM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

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Originally Posted by Manny1400 View Post
Let me specify that I spend tons of time with my wife, and she is often with me on these meetups, etc. I don't blow her off or neglect her, but I have been out without her numerous times. She also goes out with her friends and has fun, and I've never once told her she couldn't--she doesn't need "permission".

And I don't think I've had an emotional affair, although that is a danger, and I've taken some steps to prevent it.
Well, then, back to either she is really super trusting or she just can't muster a fig to give.

The way you described some of her personality traits, though, make me wonder if she's the "Well, if it's just an affair that's ok as long as he's otherwise loyal to me and won't leave." type.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #59 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 02:05 PM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

I have two questions for you:

1. why are you inventing problems in your marriage? Your wife trusting you is not a problem, so why are you making it one?

2. why are you hanging out with this single woman in a hotel room?

Both of those actions lead me to believe that you are the one that wants to cross some boundaries here, or perhaps blow up your marriage altogether. These scream rationalizations for wanting to bone this girl to me.
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post #60 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-11-2019, 02:21 PM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

You have NO IDEA, neither does anyone else, if she is jealous or not. You have spent all your posts, as have others, explaining THEIR versions of jealousy and lack of reactions they and you expect.

Her aloofness can be how she reacts to jealousy.
I know people who overeat when they become jealous.
I know people who rant and rave.
I know people who just accept what they can control.

We all know the TV and movie version of jealousy. Jealousy is also subtle and can be passive aggressive. It can also manifest as not caring.

Yes, she might actually trust you.
She could not care at all.

Hell, you aren’t home you have no idea where, what or how she reacts when she is not around you.

Edit:

Yes, I am ignoring your clarification/rationalization/minimization post. You can’t expect me to believe you are always around and in the same post say, but I’ve gone by myself numerous times.


Something is off and you just noticed. So, you better sit down and talk with her instead of arguing with us on the internet.

Last edited by phillybeffandswiss; 12-11-2019 at 02:27 PM.
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