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Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

9K views 90 replies 43 participants last post by  NextTimeAround 
#1 ·
I've been happily married for over 17 years, and I have 2 kids. I've never been unfaithful to my wife, and to my knowledge, she has been faithful to me (no reason to doubt)

But something has been bothering me for the last couple of years. As a guy in my late 40s, I've been undergoing a bit of a mid-life crisis. Not ready to settle down into "retirement-style" life, and I like to go out with friends and have a good time. I am 6'1 185lbs (same weight as when I was 18), relatively handsome (a solid 7 for sure), and I dress very well. I am also well-off financially. I get quite a bit of attention from women.

I have a 31 year old female friend I see at parties, meetups, dinners, etc. Sometimes at hiking trips. My wife knows this girl and likes her. The girl is attractive and has a very interesting personality. She is also very single.

I sometimes go to parties by myself and get a hotel room so I don't have to drive home--the girl is almost always at those parties. Most of the meetups don't involve my wife.

But my wife has never once raised an objection to this, or has even commented on it.

This girl frequently messages me during the day, posts things to my FB, etc. We joke around, share stories, etc. Nothing inappropriate, but still ... wife pays no attention.

A few weekends ago, I was at an event in the city with my wife, and we got a hotel room. This girl had a room in the same hotel, and we hung out with her and others. When we got back from the party, we ended up in her room and were talking about her love-life (or lack thereof). My wife went back to our room, but I stayed in the girl's room and talked with her for a couple more hours at least. Right when I realized that this didn't look good, I get a message from my wife asking me not to turn on the light when I get back to the room and wake her up. I was like "shi* I'm in trouble"

So I head back to the room, climb into bed, and tell her "I swear nothing happened", and she simply replied "I didn't think that, just didn't want to be woken up"

so here is the thing: she has shown absolutely ZERO jealousy or territorial behavior in regards to me and this girl (or anyone else). Hasn't gone through my phone, my PC, checked up on me, --nothing. Hasn't even said "hey, be careful not to get to close to that girl" or "are you sure that is a good idea"?

I would not have been cool with my wife hanging out in a hotel room with a drunk guy at 2am. That would have been a fight, and I expected one. I was shocked when it didn't happen.

I can't understand this at all. I read an article online that said "If your partner is never jealous, you should be worried" --and I'm getting a bit worried
 
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#2 ·
You should be worried because it appears you are heading down a slippery slope with this woman. It also seems like you are going out of your way to make your wife jealous. You appear to already be having an inappropriate emotional affair with this woman while trying to rub it in your wife's face. You need to work on yourself, your inappropriate boundaries, and show your wife a lot more respect than you are doing now.
 
#3 ·
Perhaps she trusts you. Most likely she's put it on you; if you fool around it's on you, not her, which is right for her to do.

It sounds like she is confident of herself and her relationship with her H. Which is also right for her to be.

Let's explore your personal boundaries or lack thereof, for a married person to put oneself into circumstances that do quite frankly give a solid image of impropriety in multiple environments.

Do you have a good physical relationship with your W? Not being nosy but many issues include this important component.

Do you want her to mistrust you? It seems you're trying to see how far you can go.

This may or may not be a response you expected to your inquiry.
 
#7 ·
My wife and I have pretty regular sex and are very affectionate with each other. Our marriage is strong.

So yes, I'm sure she is confident, but zero jealousy?

I have endeavored to be more conscious of the signals I am sending in regards to this women, and to be a lot more professional about the situation. I haven't cheated, and it kind of bothers m that the first responses in the forum here basically consist of people calling me a scumbag for chasing after another woman. That isn't the situation and it wasn't the purpose of my question
 
#4 ·
Look at me Mom! No hands!
Your wife is probably too nice a woman to tell you how pathetic you look. Sniffing around a girl who’s young enough to be your daughter, and by the sound of things if you got any encouragement you would take things further.
You do realize that you’re probably a laughing stock amongst your acquaintances who know about you and this girl?
Grow ****ing up!
 
#5 ·
What Andy said. And please...for the love of all that is holy...don't ''rate'' yourself. That's something teens and single guys in their 20's do.

I'd seek counseling for what is truly bothering you. It's not your wife's lack of jealousy, it's that you are empty and unfulfilled, and seeking to fill the void with something that will cost you everything that matters most. Be careful.
 
#6 ·
And I'm sure Andy has never been tempted in his life, has always done the honorable thing, and is perfect in every way

you do realize the purpose of this forum is to give meaningful advice, and not simply to signal to others and chastise yes?

I fully realize that I overstepped my bounds and did apologize to my wife for the bad optics. Likewise, I never did anything inappropriate with this girl, and won't.
 
#8 ·
I fully realize that I overstepped my bounds and did apologize to my wife for the bad optics. Likewise, I never did anything inappropriate with this girl, and won't.
Until you do. Because you had one too many. Because you're emotionally entangled. Because you'll want to "give her something to be jealous about".

Maybe you don't realize how bad you look here from the cheap seats.
 
#9 ·
If you wouldn't be cool with your wife doing it why are you doing it?

Some people don't wish to be the marriage police, which is what happens when jealousy enters into things. She may feel that when it gets to that point its over.

Think carefully about whether you're willing to risk it for a piece of trash that carries on with married men.
 
#14 ·
I've been happily married for over 17 years, and I have 2 kids. I've never been unfaithful to my wife, and to my knowledge, she has been faithful to me (no reason to doubt)

But something has been bothering me for the last couple of years. As a guy in my late 40s, I've been undergoing a bit of a mid-life crisis. Not ready to settle down into "retirement-style" life, and I like to go out with friends and have a good time. I am 6'1 185lbs (same weight as when I was 18), relatively handsome (a solid 7 for sure), and I dress very well. I am also well-off financially. I get quite a bit of attention from women.

I have a 31 year old female friend I see at parties, meetups, dinners, etc. Sometimes at hiking trips. My wife knows this girl and likes her. The girl is attractive and has a very interesting personality. She is also very single.

I sometimes go to parties by myself and get a hotel room so I don't have to drive home--the girl is almost always at those parties. Most of the meetups don't involve my wife.

But my wife has never once raised an objection to this, or has even commented on it.

This girl frequently messages me during the day, posts things to my FB, etc. We joke around, share stories, etc. Nothing inappropriate, but still ... wife pays no attention.

A few weekends ago, I was at an event in the city with my wife, and we got a hotel room. This girl had a room in the same hotel, and we hung out with her and others. When we got back from the party, we ended up in her room and were talking about her love-life (or lack thereof). My wife went back to our room, but I stayed in the girl's room and talked with her for a couple more hours at least. Right when I realized that this didn't look good, I get a message from my wife asking me not to turn on the light when I get back to the room and wake her up. I was like "shi* I'm in trouble"

So I head back to the room, climb into bed, and tell her "I swear nothing happened", and she simply replied "I didn't think that, just didn't want to be woken up"

so here is the thing: she has shown absolutely ZERO jealousy or territorial behavior in regards to me and this girl (or anyone else). Hasn't gone through my phone, my PC, checked up on me, --nothing. Hasn't even said "hey, be careful not to get to close to that girl" or "are you sure that is a good idea"?

I would not have been cool with my wife hanging out in a hotel room with a drunk guy at 2am. That would have been a fight, and I expected one. I was shocked when it didn't happen.

I can't understand this at all. I read an article online that said "If your partner is never jealous, you should be worried" --and I'm getting a bit worried
There's many reasons why your wife may not be jealous. She's very confident in herself and/or the relationship. She's very trusting. She doesn't care about you enough to feel jealousy. Or, if you're seriously financially well off, she knows she'll get a big pay day if you step out of line.

I am more worried by your bold statement above. You're in a self described mid life crisis where you are behaving in a hazardous manner. I'm not suggesting you give up spending time with friends but partying in the city with friends and getting hotel room to avoid having to drive home is just asking for trouble.
 
#17 ·
There is something weird going on with both of you?

At first, I wanted to tell you to enjoy it because Mrs. Conan has occasionally been pissed off at fresh waitresses but, as your story progressed, I got the feeling something unhealthy was happening on both sides.

You don't appear to have healthy boundaries and she doesn't seem to care.

Maybe you should talk to her about it?
 
#24 ·
I can't understand this at all. I read an article online that said "If your partner is never jealous, you should be worried" --and I'm getting a bit worried
You're creating a problem where none exists. She's not jealous. Jealousy isn't healthy, and you are wanting her to show unhealthy attitudes. Perhaps she feels that she's just dump your sorry ass if you transgress her boundaries, whatever they are. Besides, it's YOUR responsibility to respect the boundaries you'd want for both her and yourself. So, you are the problem here, not her.

Also, my wife isn't jealous. I can (and do) hang out with women friends, quite often. My wife is always welcome but seldom comes along. I even have her permission to have sex with any of my female friends who'd want me (that hasn't happened very often, believe me!), and she'd just say, "Have a fun time, honey!" I have a few insecurities, but feel the same way when she hangs out with her male friends (which she does, just not as often).
 
#43 ·
I disagree that jealousy isn't healthy. We can't pretend that we have no jealousy or even envy--these are universal, common human emotions.

Too much jealousy and possessiveness is bad for sure (and those are two different things), and such emotions should be held in check as much as possible, but if you have none at all? The author of the article says "My take on jealousy is plain and simple, it is there and it will always be, deal with it. Because darling the day that emotion has drained out from me know that you aren’t loved anymore. I am the quintessential (typical) girlfriend from some other planet who wants her man all by herself"

In other words, that woman is being dead honest and not parroting pop-psychology nonsense. We are human beings, and if we love someone, especially a spouse, we are going to be a bit territorial and a bit jealous at times. The only times I've experienced no jealousy at all is when I didn't care what the girl I was with did--I was already looking beyond her
 
#25 ·
I can't understand this at all. I read an article online that said "If your partner is never jealous, you should be worried" --and I'm getting a bit worried
Sounds like a stupid article to me. The internet is full of them.

What will it take to make your wife jealous? What will it take to make a bear mad? In either case, you don't want to find out.
 
#26 · (Edited)
What do you want your wife to do? How would you want her to express jealousy? Most ways I can think of are stressful and unpleasant.

At the hotel, sounds like you deliberately were baiting her--seeing if you could get her angry ("Oh ****, I'm in trouble.") Is it possible you are more of an extrovert and enjoy partying more than your wife?

Is she advocating a 'retirement-type' life? Seems to me there is a lot of space between party animal and retirement adventures. Is she by now used to your 'single-life' persona?

Do you consider all the time, effort, interest in the single girl worth it? What about her is so enticing? What would she label y'all's relationship?

IMO: you enjoy the attention of the single girl or you would not waste the time of both of y'all. I think it would have been respectful if you had returned to your room with your wife and had a nice romantic ending. Maybe, her text was to tell you she was no longer interested, tired of waiting and gonna go to sleep. On that note, I think you might want to curtail frequent daily texts with single girl---would you want your wife to do this?

I have no way of knowing what you do with the rest of your life. Do you support your kids and their activities? Do you and wife have frequent date nights? Activities/interests together? Volunteer, community supporters? Are you a strong dad and husband along with your unfulfilled need to play? Not saying you are immature, but maybe slow in letting go of your youth.
 
#27 ·
My ex-wife was never the jealous type either. Being self-employed, I've gone to many mixers over the years, Many years ago, she would tag along, but she lost interest in these events over the years. I am also in an industry dominated by women with weird hours and yet she never seemed jealous with that. We did talk about it a few times here and there and she just said I never gave her a reason to be jealous. My job also would take me out of town overnight with women.. when I came home, I almost felt like I cheated.


My situation was different. Although my wife and I had occasional sex, it was more out of obligation. I don't think we had any affection or intimacy at all. She just wasn't the affectionate type.



If you have a happy sex life with intimacy, you have no reason for concern. I know it was really good for my ego to have the attention from women, but I am happy it didn't lead to anything. My ex and I treat each other better than when we were married because I didn't cross that line.


I think you are pretty close to that line. Trust me... Divorce sucks
 
#28 ·
Whatever you would feel jealous of if your wife did it, don't do it yourself. I have pretty strong boundaries with the opposite sex, the things you do are way over that boundary.
I have no idea why your wife doesn't seem bothered, especially as in many ways you are acting as if you are single, but she clearly doesn't.
The main issue here is your completely inappropriate behaviour with the other woman, and your social life generally.
My husband hasn't got a jealous bone in his body, but I am pretty sure he would recognise that what is going on here is completely inappropriate behaviour on your part.
 
#44 ·
Aside from staying in a hotel room too long with a single girl--something that I apologized to my wife for, what "inappropriate behavior" are you talking about exactly?

It seems like the ladies here (and some of the men) are deliberately misreading me and jumping to conclusions. I have never touched this girl, nor even said anything inappropriate to her. I have been a gentleman, and have no intention of cheating.

Now it could be said that I have gotten too emotionally close to her, but that is based on the idea that I cannot be as close to a girl as one of my guy friends (I do have close friendships with guys as well). That might be true, given that I am married, and I understand that position.
 
#30 ·
Ahhh... the midlife crisis....I had mine when I was 34 and it lasted 10 years. Hmmm...boredom maybe? Maybe you are delighted and intrigued with this younger woman because of what she represents?, Read how you are explaining her, she seems very tempting, doesnt she?

The problem isn't that your wife doesn't show jealousy, the problem is somewhere inside you and you for some reason are taking notice of things in your marriage that might be lacking. Have you spoken with her regarding your feelings? This would be the wise thing to do as you may be surprised at what she has to say. You really should stop and curtail your interactions with this other woman if you truly do love your wife. Talk to her, tell her how you feel, ask questions, engage her in conversation over the subject.

I am writing from experience, I am about your age and I still struggle with the mid life crisis, it's not my wifes fault. I dont like aging and I am an adrenaline junkie. I also happen to be married to a younger woman who is much more reserved and content with life than I am, but it's good, it grounds me.
 
#31 ·
Do you consider all the time, effort, interest in the single girl worth it? What about her is so enticing? What would she label y'all's relationship?
I would be careful about fooling around with younger women. She has nothing to lose like you do. The attraction isn't there. There is no longer the economic imperative like in the olden days that made older men more attractive to younger women.
 
#32 ·
Your wife may not want to insult you by displaying jealousy. Your wife may have grown tired of you wanting to party like it's 1999. Whatever she is thinking or feeling, you won't know unless you ask her.

It sounds like you're in a rut and are using the parties to fill a void. Think about what would really add value to your life and make it more interesting for you.
 
#37 ·
This may just be your wife's personality.

My now-ex-husband was a bit of a party animal. He also always had lots of pretty female friends he was openly flirty with. And the habit of living his life like a single man. When I'm hurt, angry, jealous, or simply feel gravely disrespected, I don't lash out. I withdraw. To protect myself, but also to give myself time to really analyze the situation and figure out if my feelings are rational given the factual information or whether I'm over-reacting.

But I'm also the type that if you ask me to choose between you and my self-respect, I'll pick me. Every. Time. Which means I don't police my guy. I don't try make him behave or respect my boundaries with jealous or controlling behavior. And I also don't have any interest in being with a man who just isn't very interested in respecting me, my boundaries, or our relationship. We can have a conversation or a discussion about expectations. But I won't "fight" for a man who is clearly interested in being elsewhere. If he doesn't want to be with me then he's free to go. I absolutely will not be put in the role of scolding mommy to a rebellious teen who's wildly testing the boundaries. To anyone who sees a hot temper, jealous behavior, or fiery arguments as signals of passion and intense love, that reaction can appear cold and disinterested. In reality, it's just an intense, and hard-won, self-respect. I really am too proud to beg - especially for things that should be part and parcel of a healthy relationship to begin with.

OP, it's entirely possible that your wife is hurt by your behavior but has zero interest in playing the jealous shrew. She may also feel that she's above doing the "pick me" dance for her own husband while he's clearly distracted by his little friend.

Keep up the exceptionally poor boundaries, and you may one day find that your wife is no longer waiting at home for you to finish playing at being single. And you'll probably be baffled by her leaving. Because 'she never said she was unhappy'....:slap:

Ask yourself some questions: Should your wife have to tell you she's unhappy with this level of disrespect and your crappy boundaries? Why is that her job? Is she your mom? Or the marriage police? Why do you need or want her to make you behave yourself?
 
#38 ·
Like others have said, you're playing with fire with the young gal. You know you are.... but she makes you feel good. Her energy and youth are addictive.

Then you have the double-whammy of a wife basically giving you the vibes of, "Oh, you wanna hang out with the bimbo? Go ahead, casanova. Knock yourself out."

Good for her. Shows she has confidence in herself, and frankly, she's above playing your games. If you were to take another step over the line with the young gal, she would probably quietly serve you with divorce papers, take half of everything, and coldly leave you to your newly-found party life. Everyone would probably applaud her for it, too.
 
#39 ·
Rather than pile on I'll try to give you something new to do/think about:

1 - IMO, your wife's lack of jealousy is a function of her past life experience, self confidence and strong moral code/core values that she projects onto you (plus you've never done anything to indicate that she can't trust you). In your wife's mind, you two are a team (her safe place) that is above adultery.

Note, your wife's self confidence and trust in you (i.e., lack of jealousy) is not an indicator that she would not be devastated if you had an affair. It's probably just the opposite and would permanently damage her.

2 - Boundaries protect a marriage in our unanticipated most vulnerable moments. We all tend to think we're unique but we're not. There's solid research evidence that the great majority of adulterers never thought they were capable of cheating and did not go looking for an affair.

For your own education I suggest you read: "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass. It's an easy short read, based on studies of couples that experienced infidelity. IMO all couples should read this book. You can pick it up used on Amazon.

I think you'll find that boundaries are more than just something that your spouse imposes when they are jealous - rather boundaries are 'walls' that every spouse should utilize in order to protect their marriage (including both husband & wife, kids, grandparents ....).

3 - Finally, in an effort to further discuss your wife's lack of jealousy, consider asking your wife to read this book and then (over a bottle of wine) discussing how it would apply to your marriage.

I wish you both well.
 
#40 ·
I also see your defensiveness, in your replys to other lashing out to prove your view is correct at all costs. Your a linear thinker. And truthfully there is no arguing with you or pointing out what's wrong with the picture you painted for us , because if it doesn't fit your narrative then it's BS and not constructive criticism for you.

So in all truth this is the reason your wife shows no jealousy, there is no way she can have a grown-up mature conversation, because you only see responses that fit your narrative.

And deflect and attack those responses because you feel intellectually superior. So then you have just show us here WHY your wife shows no jealousy. It is as simple as this.

Your the Reason!
 
#41 ·
OP:

Maybe your wife trusts you completely. That is a rare thing, and if you betray that trust you will show yourself to be a man with no honor. I worry that you are heading that way - testing things ever further.

Maybe she just assumes you are having an affair and is OK with it. Maybe because she is doing so as well.

Maybe she is deeply concerned but doesn't want to tell you.

Talk to her - find out what her boundaries are.
 
#42 ·
I think everyone is wrong, including OP.

Your wife probably does not care because she has a boyfriend of her own. She probably could not care less who you screw or don't screw.

One other possibility is she is waiting for you to screw up so she can take you to the cleaners.

Like someone already said, you need to talk with her.

And guess what, if no one said it yet, you are already having an affair with this girl. I am suspecting that you and all your perfectness will get played soon...

I just hope you have the guts to come back a tell us when that happens.

One question, why be in a marriage where you spend very little time with your wife? What is that about???
 
#45 ·
Everybody is different. I am very territorial over my man. I am also insecure, and have self esteem issues. My “jealousy” is a reflection of who I am, not the person I am with.

Your wife lack of jealousy tells me about her, not how she feels about you. Actions tell me how people feel about the other person, as well as who they are. If that makes since.

And bc I’m insecure I like to be with territorial men. Not controlling but I like them to not want me to do something that may cross a boundary . My exH never got jealous and never cared what I did. It made me insecure and feel unloved. But again this is my issue with myself.


So what I’m saying is... your wife is fine. She loves you. The issue is you and how you receive love. It is what it is and you Can’t change how you feel.
 
#46 ·
Manny,

It does seem odd that with all those details your W was not jealous. I often get a similar response from my W.

The last one was a month or so ago. Some lady from church messaged me that she wanted me to take her into the woods, my W just said she is lonely and unloved when I showed her the message. Were that me I would have gone nuts. My W also continued to help this woman with her life issues after that as well.

A few thoughts I have on why...

*Perhaps this is ok taking into consideration my Ws cheating, she once said she couldn't blame me for cheating if I had done it

*My wife knows me too well, it's most true I'm temperamentally incapable of cheating

*My wife wouldn't care if I cheated as she'd be fine with no sex for life

*I've always told my W when some woman was being forward with me

*My W thinks she is so much better looking than me that I wouldn't risk it
 
#53 ·
I am virtually certain my wife isn't cheating (thankfully), but I see your point there for sure.

I explained to her one time during a deep discussion that I would never cheat, because it would be the equivalent of not only cheating on her, but also cheating on the kids. My father cheated on my wife when I was a kid, and I know how bad that can be. So after explaining all this to her, she just nodded. I was like "you don't have anything to add to this"? Paranoia maybe, but ...

My wife has the code to my cellphone and PC. She can look at my stuff if she wants, and I keep her informed on virtually everything. I don't keep secrets from her. Like you, I tell her if a woman was forward with me. I think it is the best policy, because if some guy was forward with her, I would want to know.
 
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