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post #1 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 04:36 PM Thread Starter
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Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

I've been happily married for over 17 years, and I have 2 kids. I've never been unfaithful to my wife, and to my knowledge, she has been faithful to me (no reason to doubt)

But something has been bothering me for the last couple of years. As a guy in my late 40s, I've been undergoing a bit of a mid-life crisis. Not ready to settle down into "retirement-style" life, and I like to go out with friends and have a good time. I am 6'1 185lbs (same weight as when I was 18), relatively handsome (a solid 7 for sure), and I dress very well. I am also well-off financially. I get quite a bit of attention from women.

I have a 31 year old female friend I see at parties, meetups, dinners, etc. Sometimes at hiking trips. My wife knows this girl and likes her. The girl is attractive and has a very interesting personality. She is also very single.

I sometimes go to parties by myself and get a hotel room so I don't have to drive home--the girl is almost always at those parties. Most of the meetups don't involve my wife.

But my wife has never once raised an objection to this, or has even commented on it.

This girl frequently messages me during the day, posts things to my FB, etc. We joke around, share stories, etc. Nothing inappropriate, but still ... wife pays no attention.

A few weekends ago, I was at an event in the city with my wife, and we got a hotel room. This girl had a room in the same hotel, and we hung out with her and others. When we got back from the party, we ended up in her room and were talking about her love-life (or lack thereof). My wife went back to our room, but I stayed in the girl's room and talked with her for a couple more hours at least. Right when I realized that this didn't look good, I get a message from my wife asking me not to turn on the light when I get back to the room and wake her up. I was like "shi* I'm in trouble"

So I head back to the room, climb into bed, and tell her "I swear nothing happened", and she simply replied "I didn't think that, just didn't want to be woken up"

so here is the thing: she has shown absolutely ZERO jealousy or territorial behavior in regards to me and this girl (or anyone else). Hasn't gone through my phone, my PC, checked up on me, --nothing. Hasn't even said "hey, be careful not to get to close to that girl" or "are you sure that is a good idea"?

I would not have been cool with my wife hanging out in a hotel room with a drunk guy at 2am. That would have been a fight, and I expected one. I was shocked when it didn't happen.

I can't understand this at all. I read an article online that said "If your partner is never jealous, you should be worried" --and I'm getting a bit worried

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post #2 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 04:42 PM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

You should be worried because it appears you are heading down a slippery slope with this woman. It also seems like you are going out of your way to make your wife jealous. You appear to already be having an inappropriate emotional affair with this woman while trying to rub it in your wife's face. You need to work on yourself, your inappropriate boundaries, and show your wife a lot more respect than you are doing now.
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post #3 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 04:47 PM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

Perhaps she trusts you. Most likely she's put it on you; if you fool around it's on you, not her, which is right for her to do.

It sounds like she is confident of herself and her relationship with her H. Which is also right for her to be.

Let's explore your personal boundaries or lack thereof, for a married person to put oneself into circumstances that do quite frankly give a solid image of impropriety in multiple environments.

Do you have a good physical relationship with your W? Not being nosy but many issues include this important component.

Do you want her to mistrust you? It seems you're trying to see how far you can go.

This may or may not be a response you expected to your inquiry.
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post #4 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 04:52 PM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by Manny1400 View Post
I've been happily married for over 17 years, and I have 2 kids. I've never been unfaithful to my wife, and to my knowledge, she has been faithful to me (no reason to doubt)

But something has been bothering me for the last couple of years. As a guy in my late 40s, I've been undergoing a bit of a mid-life crisis. Not ready to settle down into "retirement-style" life, and I like to go out with friends and have a good time. I am 6'1 185lbs (same weight as when I was 18), relatively handsome (a solid 7 for sure), and I dress very well. I am also well-off financially. I get quite a bit of attention from women.

I have a 31 year old female friend I see at parties, meetups, dinners, etc. Sometimes at hiking trips. My wife knows this girl and likes her. The girl is attractive and has a very interesting personality. She is also very single.

I sometimes go to parties by myself and get a hotel room so I don't have to drive home--the girl is almost always at those parties. Most of the meetups don't involve my wife.

But my wife has never once raised an objection to this, or has even commented on it.

This girl frequently messages me during the day, posts things to my FB, etc. We joke around, share stories, etc. Nothing inappropriate, but still ... wife pays no attention.

A few weekends ago, I was at an event in the city with my wife, and we got a hotel room. This girl had a room in the same hotel, and we hung out with her and others. When we got back from the party, we ended up in her room and were talking about her love-life (or lack thereof). My wife went back to our room, but I stayed in the girl's room and talked with her for a couple more hours at least. Right when I realized that this didn't look good, I get a message from my wife asking me not to turn on the light when I get back to the room and wake her up. I was like "shi* I'm in trouble"

So I head back to the room, climb into bed, and tell her "I swear nothing happened", and she simply replied "I didn't think that, just didn't want to be woken up"

so here is the thing: she has shown absolutely ZERO jealousy or territorial behavior in regards to me and this girl (or anyone else). Hasn't gone through my phone, my PC, checked up on me, --nothing. Hasn't even said "hey, be careful not to get to close to that girl" or "are you sure that is a good idea"?

I would not have been cool with my wife hanging out in a hotel room with a drunk guy at 2am. That would have been a fight, and I expected one. I was shocked when it didn't happen.

I can't understand this at all. I read an article online that said "If your partner is never jealous, you should be worried" --and I'm getting a bit worried
Look at me Mom! No hands!
Your wife is probably too nice a woman to tell you how pathetic you look. Sniffing around a girl whoís young enough to be your daughter, and by the sound of things if you got any encouragement you would take things further.
You do realize that youíre probably a laughing stock amongst your acquaintances who know about you and this girl?
Grow ****ing up!

When someone says itís not the money itís the principle,itís always the money.
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post #5 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 04:55 PM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

What Andy said. And please...for the love of all that is holy...don't ''rate'' yourself. That's something teens and single guys in their 20's do.

I'd seek counseling for what is truly bothering you. It's not your wife's lack of jealousy, it's that you are empty and unfulfilled, and seeking to fill the void with something that will cost you everything that matters most. Be careful.

Every now and then, you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. - unknown
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post #6 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 05:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

And I'm sure Andy has never been tempted in his life, has always done the honorable thing, and is perfect in every way

you do realize the purpose of this forum is to give meaningful advice, and not simply to signal to others and chastise yes?

I fully realize that I overstepped my bounds and did apologize to my wife for the bad optics. Likewise, I never did anything inappropriate with this girl, and won't.
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post #7 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 05:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

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Originally Posted by Ragnar Ragnasson View Post
Perhaps she trusts you. Most likely she's put it on you; if you fool around it's on you, not her, which is right for her to do.

It sounds like she is confident of herself and her relationship with her H. Which is also right for her to be.

Let's explore your personal boundaries or lack thereof, for a married person to put oneself into circumstances that do quite frankly give a solid image of impropriety in multiple environments.

Do you have a good physical relationship with your W? Not being nosy but many issues include this important component.

Do you want her to mistrust you? It seems you're trying to see how far you can go.

This may or may not be a response you expected to your inquiry.
My wife and I have pretty regular sex and are very affectionate with each other. Our marriage is strong.

So yes, I'm sure she is confident, but zero jealousy?

I have endeavored to be more conscious of the signals I am sending in regards to this women, and to be a lot more professional about the situation. I haven't cheated, and it kind of bothers m that the first responses in the forum here basically consist of people calling me a scumbag for chasing after another woman. That isn't the situation and it wasn't the purpose of my question
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post #8 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 05:37 PM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

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Originally Posted by Manny1400 View Post
I fully realize that I overstepped my bounds and did apologize to my wife for the bad optics. Likewise, I never did anything inappropriate with this girl, and won't.
Until you do. Because you had one too many. Because you're emotionally entangled. Because you'll want to "give her something to be jealous about".

Maybe you don't realize how bad you look here from the cheap seats.
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post #9 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 05:49 PM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

If you wouldn't be cool with your wife doing it why are you doing it?

Some people don't wish to be the marriage police, which is what happens when jealousy enters into things. She may feel that when it gets to that point its over.

Think carefully about whether you're willing to risk it for a piece of trash that carries on with married men.
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post #10 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 05:52 PM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by Manny1400 View Post
And I'm sure Andy has never been tempted in his life, has always done the honorable thing, and is perfect in every way

you do realize the purpose of this forum is to give meaningful advice, and not simply to signal to others and chastise yes?

I fully realize that I overstepped my bounds and did apologize to my wife for the bad optics. Likewise, I never did anything inappropriate with this girl, and won't.
This would be laughable if it wasnít so pathetic.
You have a vision of yourself that Iím not sure anyone else shares.
You are almost fifty years old and you are bragging about yourself like an eighteen year old whoís just discovered tinder.
I appreciate you saying Iím perfect, itís sounds better than having to say it myself. But no, Iíve never been tempted. I got my sexual shenanigans out of my system when I was single. Iím married now and I donít feel the need to try and make my wife jealous by flirting with someone else.
And I have enough respect for my wife and myself not to get myself into situations like you described.


When someone says itís not the money itís the principle,itís always the money.
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post #11 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 05:56 PM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by Manny1400 View Post
And I'm sure Andy has never been tempted in his life, has always done the honorable thing, and is perfect in every way

you do realize the purpose of this forum is to give meaningful advice, and not simply to signal to others and chastise yes?

I fully realize that I overstepped my bounds and did apologize to my wife for the bad optics. Likewise, I never did anything inappropriate with this girl, and won't.
Why do you want your wife to be jealous? Where did you learn that jealousy = love? It doesn't. Actually, it's the opposite. Jealousy isn't healthy, really. I think you're seeking something to fulfill you...to fill a void in you. If your wife is jealous, that will translate to you perhaps as ''she loves me.'' But, even if your wife were to display jealousy, you'd likely look for something else, because the problem lies within you. Self actualization can be both scary and awesome, at the same time

That's not me chastising you, that's me trying to help you see what maybe you can't, right now. We all struggle with different things, and are flawed.

Every now and then, you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. - unknown
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post #12 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 06:01 PM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

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Originally Posted by Andy1001 View Post
This would be laughable if it wasnít so pathetic.
You have a vision of yourself that Iím not sure anyone else shares.
You are almost fifty years old and you are bragging about yourself like an eighteen year old whoís just discovered tinder.
I appreciate you saying Iím perfect, itís sounds better than having to say it myself. But no, Iíve never been tempted. I got my sexual shenanigans out of my system when I was single. Iím married now and I donít feel the need to try and make my wife jealous by flirting with someone else.
And I have enough respect for my wife and myself not to get myself into situations like you described.
Andy is perfect in every way.

Jk! I had to.

Every now and then, you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. - unknown
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post #13 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 06:03 PM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
Andy is perfect in every way.
Fixed that for you.

When someone says itís not the money itís the principle,itís always the money.
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post #14 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 06:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Manny1400 View Post
I've been happily married for over 17 years, and I have 2 kids. I've never been unfaithful to my wife, and to my knowledge, she has been faithful to me (no reason to doubt)

But something has been bothering me for the last couple of years. As a guy in my late 40s, I've been undergoing a bit of a mid-life crisis. Not ready to settle down into "retirement-style" life, and I like to go out with friends and have a good time. I am 6'1 185lbs (same weight as when I was 18), relatively handsome (a solid 7 for sure), and I dress very well. I am also well-off financially. I get quite a bit of attention from women.

I have a 31 year old female friend I see at parties, meetups, dinners, etc. Sometimes at hiking trips. My wife knows this girl and likes her. The girl is attractive and has a very interesting personality. She is also very single.

I sometimes go to parties by myself and get a hotel room so I don't have to drive home--the girl is almost always at those parties. Most of the meetups don't involve my wife.

But my wife has never once raised an objection to this, or has even commented on it.

This girl frequently messages me during the day, posts things to my FB, etc. We joke around, share stories, etc. Nothing inappropriate, but still ... wife pays no attention.

A few weekends ago, I was at an event in the city with my wife, and we got a hotel room. This girl had a room in the same hotel, and we hung out with her and others. When we got back from the party, we ended up in her room and were talking about her love-life (or lack thereof). My wife went back to our room, but I stayed in the girl's room and talked with her for a couple more hours at least. Right when I realized that this didn't look good, I get a message from my wife asking me not to turn on the light when I get back to the room and wake her up. I was like "shi* I'm in trouble"

So I head back to the room, climb into bed, and tell her "I swear nothing happened", and she simply replied "I didn't think that, just didn't want to be woken up"

so here is the thing: she has shown absolutely ZERO jealousy or territorial behavior in regards to me and this girl (or anyone else). Hasn't gone through my phone, my PC, checked up on me, --nothing. Hasn't even said "hey, be careful not to get to close to that girl" or "are you sure that is a good idea"?

I would not have been cool with my wife hanging out in a hotel room with a drunk guy at 2am. That would have been a fight, and I expected one. I was shocked when it didn't happen.

I can't understand this at all. I read an article online that said "If your partner is never jealous, you should be worried" --and I'm getting a bit worried
There's many reasons why your wife may not be jealous. She's very confident in herself and/or the relationship. She's very trusting. She doesn't care about you enough to feel jealousy. Or, if you're seriously financially well off, she knows she'll get a big pay day if you step out of line.

I am more worried by your bold statement above. You're in a self described mid life crisis where you are behaving in a hazardous manner. I'm not suggesting you give up spending time with friends but partying in the city with friends and getting hotel room to avoid having to drive home is just asking for trouble.
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post #15 of 91 (permalink) Old 12-10-2019, 06:32 PM
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Re: Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by Manny1400 View Post
And I'm sure Andy has never been tempted in his life, has always done the honorable thing, and is perfect in every way

you do realize the purpose of this forum is to give meaningful advice, and not simply to signal to others and chastise yes?

I fully realize that I overstepped my bounds and did apologize to my wife for the bad optics. Likewise, I never did anything inappropriate with this girl, and won't.
Becoming defensive is not serving your overall purpose.

While I admit that some of us come across rather strong (myself included), please understand that everyone expresses themselves differently and we are all here because we truly want to help. Some do it by challenging you. Some do it by calling you out. Some are more subtle. Respect all opinions (unless of course they are totally batsh*t crazy..lol)

Now I got that rant out of the way, please don't get upset because your wife doesn't get jealous. I've been married to a man who is exactly the same for 28 years. At one point I thought that he must not care about me if he doesn't get jealous. I have male friends that I lunch with, old school chums I keep up with by email. I keep him informed but he never pries. Perhaps you think that she doesn't care. Just test that theory and watch what happens. Better yet, don't.

Let me tell you what it really is (based on what I've learned). She is confident in herself. Confident in you. Confident in your marriage. There are posters here who would LOVE to have the kind of wife that you have.

As someone else put it, you are seeking external validation for some reason. Please seek an answer for your own peace of mind. Do you feel unloved? Undesired? Bored? Have you talked to your wife about this? Doesn't she deserve to know given your years together?

And please, stop putting yourself into these dangerous yes, DANGEROUS situations. All it takes is the right words, a little too much alcohol and you have thrown away EVERYTHING that you hold dear. Read up on some who have made that mistake or worse yet, had it done to them. It's ruinous for the cheated on spouse.
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