Merry... Ch... Bah humbug! - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 48 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 04:23 AM
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Re: Merry... Ch... Bah humbug!

I need to get some sleep now... it's 2:23 am here. I'll check back with you later after some shuteye.


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post #17 of 48 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 06:07 AM
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Re: Merry... Ch... Bah humbug!

The holidays...

They can bring bad feelings to bear.

That festive anticipation often brings along old anguish.

Good cheer mauled by that grizzled and woken bear.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out. The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall.
The Host, Rd is ill, any years left, remain now, in doubt? Red Dog is now lost to us.
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post #18 of 48 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 06:13 AM
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Re: Merry... Ch... Bah humbug!

The holidays for you are the side show with respect to your marital woes.

Both you and your husband need counseling.

And quick.

Else, separation and divorce looms large.

Your marriage is not a pot ready to boil over, no, it is a pot water-less, one steamed, nearly out.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out. The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall.
The Host, Rd is ill, any years left, remain now, in doubt? Red Dog is now lost to us.
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post #19 of 48 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 08:40 AM
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Re: Merry... Ch... Bah humbug!

Quote:
Originally Posted by talesofthe-twofoldmother View Post
He has been a good father, he is so gentle and patient with them... He will get onto them at times when they are being rowdy call them down all normal things a parent would do.

but when it comes to me... I don't think hes ever really treated me right.

I think I rushed into marriage with hopes and dreams to be loved and for the family id always wanted.

he put his hands on me after my brother died in 2017, but i did get a little out of hand I wanted to go to the grave yard by myself to visit with my brothers burial site...
i pushed him because he demanded to go with me and took my keys from me...

I was choked and in the days to follow he put his hands on me again... my other brother found out and came to my rescue... since the day my brother and him met up.. hes not put hands on me but he mentally hurts me now instead.

i get threatened a lot but there is no action behind it

just all words... names... it all hurts me emotionally.
And you think your biggest problem with this vile, opportunistic POS is that he's forcing you to go visiting on Christmas to various family members? I say "opportunistic" because I believe he needed someone to raise his kid for him when her bio mom was no longer an option - and god knows he wasn't going to do it. And there you were, all eager and anxious to do it for him. So yeah, he's an opportunistic, abusive POS.

Your biggest problem isn't a difference of opinion regarding Christmas visiting arrangements. Your biggest problem is your inability to stop clinging to your abuser.

Once you start seeing your worth, you'll find it harder to stay around people who don't.
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post #20 of 48 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 09:59 AM
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Re: Merry... Ch... Bah humbug!

Your husband is abusive. The longer you stay married the worse it will get. My advice is to seek out a lawyer and find out what steps you need to do to get free of him.

I'm sorry. Christmas and holidays are not your problem. Your abusive situation is your problem.

I wish you luck.
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post #21 of 48 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 10:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Merry... Ch... Bah humbug!

I get what you guys are saying about my situation I know that I need to be out of it... hopefully this christmas thing is the one thing to get him out of my home this year..

but all that aside what I came here for...

If we were happy or even close to that in our marriage...

Am I wrong for wanting to start my own traditions for my children?
or do I drop my holiday plans and my own happiness with my kids and plan my life around him and his families?
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post #22 of 48 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 10:23 AM
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Re: Merry... Ch... Bah humbug!

Quote:
Originally Posted by talesofthe-twofoldmother View Post
I get what you guys are saying about my situation I know that I need to be out of it... hopefully this christmas thing is the one thing to get him out of my home this year..

but all that aside what I came here for...

If we were happy or even close to that in our marriage...

Am I wrong for wanting to start my own traditions for my children?
or do I drop my holiday plans and my own happiness with my kids and plan my life around him and his families?
No, you are not wrong for wanting to start your own traditions for your family. However, he is also not wrong for feeling that the holiday is about seeing and spending time with extended family. My STBXH and I had similar opinions. He wanted to travel to another state to spend Christmas with his family, I did not. I wanted our kids to wake up in their own beds and run downstairs to see what Santa brought them.

If you were a healthy couple you could come to some sort of resolution together. Unfortunately, you are not a healthy couple therefore I don't see this dispute having a good resolution for you. And honestly, based on his abusive behavior, I predict that you will be traveling to all those same places this year. This will be your life for as long as you are with him. I'm sorry. I know you don't want to face that.
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post #23 of 48 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 10:35 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Merry... Ch... Bah humbug!

If I do not stand my ground now... I will forever be tormented in this marriage.

I don't mind for him to be with his family this year... but whatever day he chooses to be with his family Christmas Eve or Christmas Day I will have my children the opposite of that.

the way he wants to do the holidays...our family would never be at home together for Christmas...

I do not understand his logic and I never will

I just hope for strength... and peace for my holiday season all these things on top of the grief I am feeling over my loved ones and experiencing seeing something tragic this past week..

it is all so heavy.. and is the reason i found myself in the forums

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post #24 of 48 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 11:19 AM
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Re: Merry... Ch... Bah humbug!

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Originally Posted by talesofthe-twofoldmother View Post
If I do not stand my ground now... I will forever be tormented in this marriage.

I don't mind for him to be with his family this year... but whatever day he chooses to be with his family Christmas Eve or Christmas Day I will have my children the opposite of that.

the way he wants to do the holidays...our family would never be at home together for Christmas...

I do not understand his logic and I never will

I just hope for strength... and peace for my holiday season all these things on top of the grief I am feeling over my loved ones and experiencing seeing something tragic this past week..

it is all so heavy.. and is the reason i found myself in the forums

We teach people how to treat us. You have let him get away with mistreating you and discounting your point of view for some time now.

There is a chance that he can change. It will take you standing up to him. If this is your line in the sand, then you need to be ready for what might happen.

Do you have a plan for what you will do if he gets really bad in the way he reacts? Are you willing to call 911 if he get physical?

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post #25 of 48 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 11:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Merry... Ch... Bah humbug!

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Do you have a plan for what you will do if he gets really bad in the way he reacts? Are you willing to call 911 if he get physical?
Yes Ele, After he got physical with me the last time I always keep my phone at my side.. I have to hide it sometimes when he comes home he's very controlling and domineering likes to possess my things and know every move I make.

Last week when I started getting really exhausted physically and emotionally I had enough... I put a passcode on my phone.
Now there is a password on my laptop

that all started because he would always take posession of my phone when I got home... read all my messages and if someone sent a friend request on social media he wanted to know who it was and how i knew them so I took control over my social media and changed my password there also.

He blames it on his past about how mistreated and cheated on he was...
I've never done them things to him as I was in a previous marriage and that happened to me... I know the pain that causes..

long story short I know and I can tell as I type this and my emotions this past week that I'm stretched thin and ive reached the point of no return.

the ball is in his court now..

i hear everyday how useless I am... how he can find someone better.. along with the names and how mental and messed up I am..

I believed it and still believe some of it for the longest time now..

but i know deep in my heart... no woman would put up with all i have endured.. and if she did id have to see a tox screen only then... would i kiss her a**

Thank You for your support here Ele... its been a blessing to me.

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post #26 of 48 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 11:43 AM
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Re: Merry... Ch... Bah humbug!

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Originally Posted by talesofthe-twofoldmother View Post
Yes Ele, After he got physical with me the last time I always keep my phone at my side.. I have to hide it sometimes when he comes home he's very controlling and domineering likes to possess my things and know every move I make.

Last week when I started getting really exhausted physically and emotionally I had enough... I put a passcode on my phone.
Now there is a password on my laptop

that all started because he would always take posession of my phone when I got home... read all my messages and if someone sent a friend request on social media he wanted to know who it was and how i knew them so I took control over my social media and changed my password there also.

He blames it on his past about how mistreated and cheated on he was...
I've never done them things to him as I was in a previous marriage and that happened to me... I know the pain that causes..

long story short I know and I can tell as I type this and my emotions this past week that I'm stretched thin and ive reached the point of no return.

the ball is in his court now..

i hear everyday how useless I am... how he can find someone better.. along with the names and how mental and messed up I am..

I believed it and still believe some of it for the longest time now..

but i know deep in my heart... no woman would put up with all i have endured.. and if she did id have to see a tox screen only then... would i kiss her a**

Thank You for your support here Ele... its been a blessing to me.
I've lived through something similar, so I understand a lot of what you are dealing with.

Does he mistreat you like this in front of other people?

Can you describe your 'discussions' when he starts at you verbally? Do they start out as sort of normal discussions and then escalate to him being angry and you trying to defend yourself verbally, then turn into angry outbursts?

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post #27 of 48 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 12:11 PM
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Re: Merry... Ch... Bah humbug!

Quote:
Originally Posted by talesofthe-twofoldmother View Post
He has been a good father, he is so gentle and patient with them... He will get onto them at times when they are being rowdy call them down all normal things a parent would do.

but when it comes to me... I don't think hes ever really treated me right.

I think I rushed into marriage with hopes and dreams to be loved and for the family id always wanted.

he put his hands on me after my brother died in 2017, but i did get a little out of hand I wanted to go to the grave yard by myself to visit with my brothers burial site...
i pushed him because he demanded to go with me and took my keys from me...

I was choked and in the days to follow he put his hands on me again... my other brother found out and came to my rescue... since the day my brother and him met up.. hes not put hands on me but he mentally hurts me now instead.

i get threatened a lot but there is no action behind it

just all words... names... it all hurts me emotionally.
Do you mean he tried to choke you?????
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post #28 of 48 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 12:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Merry... Ch... Bah humbug!

Heres a background for you first off to help...

I had a very traumatic childhood.. most people have I think! Idk what it was with baby boomer parents but yeah.. anywho

I started working at 15 years old... started smothering in work to mask all my problems and not deal with them, when I turned 18 I started working all the overtime i could get.. fast forward to the age of 27 still working hard and going strong then i fall pregnant

I worked on my feet anywhere from 12 to 14 hour days... up until i was 8 months along. Took on all the responsibilities of him and his 3 girls and there was times he wasnt working at all..

He promised me that he would let me stay home with the children and take care of us.. so far to mine and families surprise he has

but i hear everyday how much he hates his job and how much he wants to quit... he is 25 and this is the most steady hes been with working

The verbal/mental abuse started after my family found out hed been physical with me.. my dad came to visit me and i had bruises on my face and i kept my head down dad knew something was wrong.
My brother came up the following week because Husband took posession of my phone and they were all worried for me...

My brother told him if he thought he was a man.. to come outside and smack him around like he did to his sister.. My Husband is afraid of my brother as brother is big in stature, and an underground coal miner... hes very protective of me even moreso since we lost our other brother..

Big man, but an even bigger heart...

anywho... since the phsyical abuse stopped i remember before I found out i was pregnant after my brother died we would start our day off things would go really good

my husband couldn't find something in the house maybe something like his phone, the keys or wallet...

my husband would break out into rage and anger and start cussing at me

I KNOW YOU DID SOMETHING WITH IT, I AM TIRED OF YOU ALWAYS GETTING RID OF MY S**T!

I would tell him i didn't have or hadn't seen something he would call me a liar and say i always bother his things

I remember the worst mental abuse i endured... and now ive grown accustomed to things like this daily

all the girls were here... we had been fighting that day it started out like that...

I went into the bedroom to get away from him because i hate the confrontation I was done with the yelling and accusations and fighting/aruging back

he came into the bedroom and stood overtop of me and said

I SEE NOW WHY YOU CANT HAVE CHILDREN!!! YOUR A POS, YOUR MENTAL, YOUR A SH***Y WOMAN YOU DONT DESERVE TO HAVE A KID

YOUR NOT A WOMAN AT ALL YOU CANT EVEN HAVE KIDS!

I laid in that bed numb all evening.. .i cried til i couldnt cry anymore.. a few months later

i got my miracle...

today things like this still go on it starts out over something small... and escalates over something big

i defend myself but i am always shut down with YOU STARTED THIS S**T, YOUR NOT INNOCENT, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT

EVERYTHING ISNT MY FAULT, STOP PLAYING THE VICTIM, I SEE NOW WHY EVERYONE HATES YOU, YOUR A POS MOTHER

everyday...

even when i look at him with tears in my eyes streaming down my face yelling in defense NO IM NOT, DONT SAY THAT TO ME...

he still yells and says you S.A. B**CH... D.A** etc...

im mentally exhausted just typing this...

its heavy....
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post #29 of 48 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 01:45 PM
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Re: Merry... Ch... Bah humbug!

Yea, I'll bet that was exhausting to write out. But it's good to get it out as well.

Does he talk to you like this in front of other people? Or does he only talk to you like this in the privacy of your own home?

Is there anyone else who knows how he treats you?

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post #30 of 48 (permalink) Old 12-18-2019, 02:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Merry... Ch... Bah humbug!

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Does he talk to you like this in front of other people? Or does he only talk to you like this in the privacy of your own home?

Is there anyone else who knows how he treats you?
The cussing, and big fighting only goes on behind closed doors.. my neigbors have called my landlord many times over the fighting though...

On one side of the neighborhood when I go outside every day to check my mail or tend to my homefront... i will get a head nod but a sad stare like you can tell they have sympathy but greet me in passing... on the other side of the neigborhood ive built a bond with her and her children.. they genuinely care but don't want to get involved... they just always let me know if they are needed that they are always there.

my family knows, they can sense my emotions.. and he makes snide comments in front of them..

I remember about 2 weeks after i had the c-section with my son.. i was sitting down with my dad and stepmother and my husband just got off work and i was still a little sore and tending to our daughter... I said honey can you change his diaper...

he chuckled and said i've worked all day thats not my job...

before i could say anything my stepmother came to my defense...

he is the type that goes to work.. comes home and plops down in his easy chair

when i was working full time and he was at home sitting... i would also come home and tend to the household etc my day didn't end until my head hit the pillow..

ill never understand.
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