Fairness, Equality and Consistency in a Marriage - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

User Tag List

 12Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-20-2019, 04:00 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 10
Fairness, Equality and Consistency in a Marriage

Hello all,

I am having some relationship issues and I just wanted to get further insight of my perspective and views

I believe in integrity in terms that I wouldnít treat others in a way that I wouldnít treat myself. This has been a main issue for our marriage for a long time and I am having a hard time with my wife. Between the two of us I would say I am the more laid back person and try not to exhibit dominance and control over the other. I donít complain much about her behavior as I appreciate a lot that she does and if I do complain I donít try to make it personal or a demand for her behavior to change.

Iíll give some pretty simple examples in hopes of communicating what I mean, What typically happens is that my wife will complain about something she doesnít like me doing, like leaving my socks beside the bed because she values a clean room. So I comply as thatís something she values.

But what I have an issue is that when I notice that she leaves her laundry beside the bed all the time or other things that the room isnít really clean. I go through scenarios like

1. Iíll apologize and recognize her value that a clean bedroom is something she values. When I say something about her leaving her laundry on the floor in our room, she responds that I am being tit for tat and it doesnít need to be equal. Sheíll justify why thatís okay but me leaving my socks beside the bed isnít.

2. If I listen to her value but I donít listen to her (I.e continue leaving my socks beside the bed) it goes from a request to an argumentative demand and abusive language.

My issue is that I donít have a problem with her leaving her laundry on the floor and I like leaving my socks beside the bed when I get home and picking them up the next day. If she is requesting me to change my behavior due to her value, I want her to respect that value herself and show me through her actions that its something she actually values versus telling me that she doesnít like ME doing it but it is okay with her doing it.

So I guess my problem is consistency and I feel like her ďrulesĒ apply to me but not to her self.

Another example is something like she says your being annoying. I donít have an issue with this as sometimes I am annoying and I can reflect back and stop. However, If I say something like that to her, she immediately gets annoyed and pissed that I called her annoying and doesnít like me saying that to her. My dilemma is if I say:

1. Sorry and stop saying that - then I have to keep a long list of mental notes on stuff sheís okay saying to me but not okay saying to her and thatís really hard when there is inconsistency in the communication. This is really difficult and feels like walking on egg shells on what I can say or not say.

2. If I still her sorry and that if she values not putting labels on behavior or the person and that going forward lets not saying that to each other in this relationship. She immediately thinks its becoming about me and I need everything to be equal and that we are different people and that it doesnít need to be that way.

She also thinks that if I have a problem with it I should have said something when she called me that and not make it a ďruleĒ for the relationship.

My problem is that I donít have a problem with her saying that to me but I get frustrated because I believe that if that something she values and doesnít like me saying that to her she shouldnít that to me and in order for me to recognize that this is an issue there needs to be consistency or I am just going to forget down the line. I also think this attributes putting restrictions on someone else but not on your self and causes a higher sense of self in the relationship, controlling behavior and shows lack of integrity.

My thought process is how is it okay to call me annoying but for me to not say that back to you? I feel like thatís due to a higher sense of self and lack of respect.

Calistyle033 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-20-2019, 04:33 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: South Florida
Posts: 24
Re: Fairness, Equality and Consistency in a Marriage

Hi there Calistyle.

I can relate a lot to this. Unfortuanley my situation has degraded to far worse as I didn't address similar issues early enough.

WHat your dealing with is a double standard and a she is showing a lack of respect for you. This will not get better on its own. She will not wake up and smell the coffee. Pretty soon you will begin to feel major resentment. She will feel the resentment and reciprocate it.

You need to go to couples counseling as soon as possible. One of the main things they work on is how to empathize with each other and see things from each other's point of view. It seems like you will be good at it. She will not and will need practice. You will have to be patient or move on to somebody who will respect you.

I have kids and am still dealing with the disrespect out of love for them, but I'm at my wits end and am considering divorce currently.

I hope you can nip this in the bud before it turns into what my situation has degraded to.

How long have you been married/together? When did you start to notice the disrespect?
SoccerDad15 is offline  
post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-20-2019, 05:18 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 447
Re: Fairness, Equality and Consistency in a Marriage

Selfish people have double standards and can't take what they dish out.

Normal people with empathy get run over trying to appease selfish people until they realize how unfair it is.

Once that moment hits, it is rare for the selfish person to change (which is what you need to happen), and the normal spouse either becomes weak and gets run over forever or stands up and it doesn't go well.

There is no education in the second kick of a mule.
re16 is offline  
 
post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-20-2019, 05:33 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 10
Re: Fairness, Equality and Consistency in a Marriage

Its been happening since beginning of the marriage (5 years) and we've been together for 9 (those 4 years this never happened) and was much more subtle than it is now. Its my fault as well that I tried to appease her and tolerated a lot of this in the past. I am at the point that I tired of it and I am trying to help her understand the double standard and I have been saying things like "I want to help respect your value going forward but I need help as the way I am programmed, I need consistency and this will make us both happy going forward" but it usually ends of with her being disrespectful, shaming me, personal attacks, yelling etc.


I am also in the same boat as I have a toddler and I dont want to leave right now but I am having a hard to with this kind of behavior.
Calistyle033 is offline  
post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-20-2019, 05:42 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 6,733
Re: Fairness, Equality and Consistency in a Marriage

Some people have two sets of rules ó one set for them and one set for everyone else. Sounds like sheís one of those people. The question is whether sheís willing to change.
Openminded is offline  
post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-20-2019, 05:48 PM
Member
 
Prodigal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: My side of the street
Posts: 4,299
Re: Fairness, Equality and Consistency in a Marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Calistyle033 View Post
Its my fault as well that I tried to appease her and tolerated a lot of this in the past.
Well, there ya go. You should have put a halt to her nonsense when it first started. Now she probably feels she has carte blanche to impose her rules with no consequences.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Calistyle033 View Post
I am at the point that I tired of it and I am trying to help her understand the double standard and I have been saying things like "I want to help respect your value going forward but I need help as the way I am programmed, I need consistency and this will make us both happy going forward" but it usually ends of with her being disrespectful, shaming me, personal attacks, yelling etc.
Now there's a child added to this unhappy mix. Apparently, your respectful reasoning is being crapped all over. She doesn't respect you. Period. And until you man up and set a tough boundary, you can expect this to continue. I'm all for fairness, equality, etc., but just because I expect it doesn't mean I'll get it. But when I enforce a tough boundary, whether the other person respects it or not, I'll respect myself.

Get tough now or learn to suck it up. Frankly, your wife sounds like a royal ***** to me. JMO.

I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
Prodigal is offline  
post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-20-2019, 05:57 PM
Member
 
Andy1001's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 6,387
Re: Fairness, Equality and Consistency in a Marriage

Sheís judging you by your actions and judging herself by her intentions.
You trying to be reasonable is a waste of time, she needs to be made aware that there will be serious consequences for your marriage if she doesnít curtail her behavior.
You will probably have to leave before she takes any heed because up to now youíve just been enabling her toxicity.

When someone says itís not the money itís the principle,itís always the money.
Andy1001 is offline  
post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-20-2019, 06:13 PM
Moderator
 
farsidejunky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 11,651
Re: Fairness, Equality and Consistency in a Marriage

In this situation, your want to be both 'reasonable and fair' is getting you run over.

Shifting that ever-so-slightly to 'unreasonable but fair' will give you the recipe to deal with it, however it will also lead to more conflict.

And maybe I'm off on this, but you sound like somebody who is conflict-averse.

Are you?

There is a simple script you can use that will help.

"I'm not okay with you attempting to hold me to a standard that you feel free to ignore."

Then go on about your business. No discussion. No arguing.

If she raises her voice:

"I'm not okay with yelling."

Then go back to your business again.

The third time you feel like you are about to use the "I'm not okay with..." statement:

"Are you done?"

If she still rants:

"I'm done."

Then walk away.

The beauty of these statement is they effectively hold a mirror up to her hypocrisy while avoiding engaging in a discussion that has no opportunity for a positive outcome. At least, not the way things are right now.

Lastly, it sounds like you have fallen into a dynamic where you allow her to set the standards by which you live your life. Not only is that a sure-fire way for her respect for you to erode, but that is no way for a mature, self-sufficient man to live.

If it needs to be done, do it.

If it's a priority to you, you have no excuses not to do it.

If it is a priority to her, you get to choose whether or not to view it the same way.

If she were being reasonable, then I would be more than willing to meet her request 9 of 10 times.

Because she's being domineering, when you have clearly indicated you are not okay with it, then it requires action on your part.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
farsidejunky is online now  
post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-20-2019, 06:22 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 17,837
Re: Fairness, Equality and Consistency in a Marriage

Be vigilant. This is a red flag to your marriage. If what you are saying is true, and she is asking for inequality in action and verbally, she is making a case against you. It's either to divorce or to have an affair or both.

I agree with @farsidejunky, and would do that. I would also keep an eye open. I did not see where you said this is normal behavior.
2ntnuf is offline  
post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-20-2019, 06:22 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Affaircare's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 5,232
Re: Fairness, Equality and Consistency in a Marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
In this situation, your want to be both 'reasonable and fair' is getting you run over.

Shifting that ever-so-slightly to 'unreasonable but fair' will give you the recipe to deal with it, however it will also lead to more conflict.

And maybe I'm off on this, but you sound like somebody who is conflict-averse.

Are you?

There is a simple script you can use that will help.

"I'm not okay with you attempting to hold me to a standard that you feel free to ignore."

Then go on about your business. No discussion. No arguing.

If she raises her voice:

"I'm not okay with yelling."

Then go back to your business again.

The third time you feel like you are about to use the "I'm not okay with..." statement:

"Are you done?"

If she still rants:

"I'm done."

Then walk away.

The beauty of these statement is they effectively hold a mirror up to her hypocrisy while avoiding engaging in a discussion that has no opportunity for a positive outcome. At least, not the way things are right now.

Lastly, it sounds like you have fallen into a dynamic where you allow her to set the standards by which you live your life. Not only is that a sure-fire way for her respect for you to erode, but that is no way for a mature, self-sufficient man to live.

If it needs to be done, do it.

If it's a priority to you, you have no excuses not to do it.

If it is a priority to her, you get to choose whether or not to view it the same way.

If she were being reasonable, then I would be more than willing to meet her request 9 of 10 times.

Because she's being domineering, when you have clearly indicated you are not okay with it, then it requires action on your part.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
Quoted for TRUTH!!



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
My definition of infidelity is not "How far can I go before I cross the line?" My definition of infidelity is "giving anything less than 100% of your affection, loyalty, and companionship to your spouse."
RESOURCES:
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
*
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
*
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Affaircare is online now  
post #11 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-20-2019, 06:33 PM
Moderator
 
farsidejunky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 11,651
Re: Fairness, Equality and Consistency in a Marriage

Let me add one more thing. I came to TAM in 2014 in a sexless marriage, with a wife who largely treated me in much the same manner as yours.

It took me 18 months to truly right the ship. Don't expect overnight results.

At its heart, this is a power struggle. You must have the will to win it or NOTHING will change.


Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
farsidejunky is online now  
post #12 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-20-2019, 06:42 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by Prodigal View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Calistyle033 View Post
Its my fault as well that I tried to appease her and tolerated a lot of this in the past.
Well, there ya go. You should have put a halt to her nonsense when it first started. Now she probably feels she has carte blanche to impose her rules with no consequences.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Calistyle033 View Post
I am at the point that I tired of it and I am trying to help her understand the double standard and I have been saying things like "I want to help respect your value going forward but I need help as the way I am programmed, I need consistency and this will make us both happy going forward" but it usually ends of with her being disrespectful, shaming me, personal attacks, yelling etc.
Now there's a child added to this unhappy mix. Apparently, your respectful reasoning is being crapped all over. She doesn't respect you. Period. And until you man up and set a tough boundary, you can expect this to continue. I'm all for fairness, equality, etc., but just because I expect it doesn't mean I'll get it. But when I enforce a tough boundary, whether the other person respects it or not, I'll respect myself.

Get tough now or learn to suck it up. Frankly, your wife sounds like a royal ***** to me. JMO.

Your absolutely right, shes doesnt respect my boundaries when I have repeatedly told her that I dont like it...I usually walk away or leave the house and go do something and then I get blasts of texts about how I am abandoning her and then leaves to her parents house for the day or even the night. I usually csnt leave with our kiddo as well as shell start to make my daughter feel guilty that'll shell be alone or stand in front of the door and my daughter will go to her over me.

Shell leave apologize or anything and expects me to apologize.

I am not on a position to leave for another year or so.. what are ways do you think I can set tough boundaries?
Calistyle033 is offline  
post #13 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-20-2019, 06:49 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
In this situation, your want to be both 'reasonable and fair' is getting you run over.

Shifting that ever-so-slightly to 'unreasonable but fair' will give you the recipe to deal with it, however it will also lead to more conflict.

And maybe I'm off on this, but you sound like somebody who is conflict-averse.


Are you?

There is a simple script you can use that will help.

"I'm not okay with you attempting to hold me to a standard that you feel free to ignore."

Then go on about your business. No discussion. No arguing.

If she raises her voice:

"I'm not okay with yelling."

Then go back to your business again.

The third time you feel like you are about to use the "I'm not okay with..." statement:

"Are you done?"

If she still rants:

"I'm done."

Then walk away.

The beauty of these statement is they effectively hold a mirror up to her hypocrisy while avoiding engaging in a discussion that has no opportunity for a positive outcome. At least, not the way things are right now.

Lastly, it sounds like you have fallen into a dynamic where you allow her to set the standards by which you live your life. Not only is that a sure-fire way for her respect for you to erode, but that is no way for a mature, self-sufficient man to live.

If it needs to be done, do it.

If it's a priority to you, you have no excuses not to do it.

If it is a priority to her, you get to choose whether or not to view it the same way.

If she were being reasonable, then I would be more than willing to meet her request 9 of 10 times.

Because she's being domineering, when you have clearly indicated you are not okay with it, then it requires action on your part.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
This is great advice and your right I am conflict averse and I try to keep the conflict at minimal. I have been looking into engaging more but in a calm manner and usually responded back with a bombardment of false accusations, belittling, shaming etc and overall dispresfectful behavior

Your advice should help with that. Thanks!
Calistyle033 is offline  
post #14 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-20-2019, 08:33 PM
Member
 
aquarius1's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2019
Location: Canada,eh?
Posts: 634
Re: Fairness, Equality and Consistency in a Marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Calistyle033 View Post
This is great advice and your right I am conflict averse and I try to keep the conflict at minimal. I have been looking into engaging more but in a calm manner and usually responded back with a bombardment of false accusations, belittling, shaming etc and overall dispresfectful behavior

Your advice should help with that. Thanks!
That's gotta stop. NOW. Stop trying to placate her. She's being a bully. The best way to stand up to her is to look her in the face and tell her in a calm but firm voice. STOP THIS. You are being disrespectful and abusive and I will not allow you to treat me like this. Come back to me when you want to discuss this in a calm manner. Then walk away. Leave if you have to.
Do yourself a favour. You have a button on your phone called BLOCK CALLER. In order to prevent her further abuse, just temporarily block her number during the cool down phase. You can unblock it later.

Please listen to the great advice here. I can't add any better.

The ONLY little tidbit I may give you with the laundry issue is that from my perspective I can control me. I know that I will pick up my stuff come the morning. But will other people? I get exhausted having to remind everyone else to do their part. It shouldn't be my job. But it often is and I've simply started closing people's bedroom doors so the mess can be contained within their walls. The main parts of the house are not negotiable.
I am NOT justifying her behaviour. Just giving insight on that one very small part.
aquarius1 is offline  
post #15 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-20-2019, 09:07 PM
Member
 
Prodigal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: My side of the street
Posts: 4,299
Re: Fairness, Equality and Consistency in a Marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Calistyle033 View Post
I am not on a position to leave for another year or so.. what are ways do you think I can set tough boundaries?
To begin with, please follow the advice given to you by @farsidejunky. That is how you set boundaries.

Why can't you get out until another year passes? Can't go live with a single friend? Can't find a roommate? Because a boundary is one that encompasses an explicit consequence: "I will not tolerate your yelling or demeaning comments any longer. If you persist, I will leave you or you can leave."

Unless you are willing to call her on this now, be prepared for another year of torture. If I was in your place, I'd be out of there in a New York minute. I married two alcoholics who treated me in a manner similar to the way your wife treats you. I left. And I left with no job and no sure place to crash. I survived and I live a wonderfully peaceful life today. It IS possible to get out … if you want to badly enough.

I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
Prodigal is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in










Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome