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post #31 of 39 (permalink) Old 12-23-2019, 03:55 AM
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Re: I want kids, he doesnít.

I didn't really want kids when we had them, went along with it, it ruined our marriage in the end. I don't think we were suited, as a couple, to have kids together, with all our issues. Don't try and force your husband to have kids. He will resent you forever.

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post #32 of 39 (permalink) Old 12-23-2019, 10:41 AM
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Re: I want kids, he doesnít.

Iím sorry that you find yourself in the situation that youíre in. Thatís a hard place to be.

First off, donít ever assume anything. When your husband brought up baby names, Iím not sure what his intentions were, but it was confusing to you. He let you know early on that he leaned towards not having kids, so that was your answer back then. You should have listened to him because kids are a huge decision that people generally donít waver on once decided.

If you guys canít come to an agreement on this, or one of you guys change their mind, I really donít see how this will work. You want to be a Mom, if you give in to him and shelve the plan, youíll resent him. If he changes his mind and agrees to have a baby, he will end up resenting you. Either way isnít good, so itís kind of a lose-lose situation you guys are in.

I know your pain, as I also want to be a Mom. I was also in a toxic marriage that I didnít feel comfortable bringing a child into. Iím now divorced at 41, and will never have a biological child, and that sucks. However, I was also once like your husband, and didnít want kids, ever. I was one of the oddballs who changed their minds, but it just happened too late. If you want to be a Mom, and the desire is strong, you need to get to the bottom of this with your husband. If his mindset is set, then you have some hard decisions to make.
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post #33 of 39 (permalink) Old 12-23-2019, 11:02 AM
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Re: I want kids, he doesnít.

Quote:
Originally Posted by wilson View Post
Even if you don't have children, there are many things you could do which would be like having kids, such as:

- get some dogs
- be a tutor
- volunteer as a child advocate in the legal system
- join "Big Brothers Big Sisters"
- be a coach
Donít get a dog, or a cat, or anything else thatís living. Having pets is like having furry kids: they take a lot of effort, responsibility and expense. If your husband doesnít want kids, choose something else on this list. I have 2 small-breed rescue dogs, and together they cost me around $3000 CAD per year (food, treats, grooming, vet, pet insurance). As for time, I need to: go home shortly after work to feed them and let them outside, get up earlier in the morning to feed them, walk them a couple times a day, etc. I love them more than anything, and this dog-Mama would do anything for them. However, theyíre a really big responsibility.
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post #34 of 39 (permalink) Old 12-23-2019, 11:25 AM
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Re: I want kids, he doesnít.

I predict this will end badly.
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post #35 of 39 (permalink) Old 12-23-2019, 11:36 AM
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Re: I want kids, he doesnít.

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I know neither of us can be truly happy if we pursue this at least I don’t see how.
You already had your answer when you typed this.

I hope you will reflect on this circumstance when pursuing new relationships in the future. All people have their list of wants and needs. Wants are negotiable. Needs are not. A mis-match in wants can be worked out though compromise but a mis-match in needs is a fundamental lack of compatibility. Always walk away in the case of the latter.
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post #36 of 39 (permalink) Old 12-23-2019, 04:17 PM
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Re: I want kids, he doesnít.

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Ok, my husband never definitely stated or said he didn’t want kids only that he was undecided and leaning towards not having them but wouldn’t rule it out. I will admit it’s my fault for not getting a definite yes or no. But his behavior over the pass few years lead me to believe he was more than open to the idea of having kids. He knew from the start that I wanted a family. He knows I’ve been planning to have one for a while now When I said I, “assumed” he changed his mind it wasn’t only in my head. Almost everything I’ve/we’ve done over the last couple of years was with the idea to have kids some day. He never said he wanted kids, but he has acted as someone who does. It doesn’t make any sense that he doesn’t want kids now. I don’t understand what happen to make him change his mind again or maybe he was trying to change is mind and I didn’t work. Now he maybe realized he truly wants to be child free. I don’t know all I know is something going on that’s he not telling.

I want kids, I would prefer to have them with him. I know he would make a great dad. If for whatever reason he does want to live a child free lifestyle then, Yes, we would probably have break up. It’s not what I want and right now my main goal is to find a way to have both him and kids. I know it doesn’t seem that will be the likely outcome. I would like to try at least.
Not sure why you think that his decision means that there is something going on that he is not telling. I feel its more likely that he sort of went along with it for you sake, but now time has passed he realises that he doesn't and never did want children. So he hasn't changed his mind. Being good with other peoples children for short time periods is nothing like having a demanding and life changing baby 24/7. If one of you doesn't want children it will cause massive strains on the marriage and probably end it anyway.

Surely you know that you can't have both. You either stay and don't have children which you will deeply regret and probably resent him for for ever, or you leave and hope that you will meet someone else who wants you and wants children. Not sure how old you are, but for women there is limited time. 5 years has passed, how many more will you stay and hope? He has been honest with you yet you refuse to believe it or accept it.
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post #37 of 39 (permalink) Old 12-23-2019, 04:47 PM
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Re: I want kids, he doesnít.

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Originally Posted by Spring_Green View Post
Yes, Iíve made clear way before we even got engaged.

Mid 30ís

Yes I wants kids but also a family. Iíve always viewed the that as a wife and husband with kids. Honestly I never thought about having a kids without a partner. If for whatever reason thatís not possible then yes it would be something I would look into.
It sounds to me like he was manipulating you by giving you hope knowing how much you loved him.

I understand that a lot of people here feel that he may be very resentful if you pressure him into starting a family, but I think this is something that you two need to work through in therapy.

From a personal standpoint, after my husband and I were married for about eight years, my husband wanted to start a family, but I didn't really want children. When we first got married, however, I did say I wanted children, but a lot of things changed, including my mind about children. My husband said that I should honor what I had said or he would never have married me. I agree and we went on to have three children. I never felt resentful about our children. I am very happy that he changed my mind. My family is everything to me and now we have two beautiful grandchildren. I wouldn't trade my children and grandchildren for the world.

I think you should tell your husband how upset you are about this and that you want to work through this in marriage counseling. I don't think you should pressure him, but I do think you need to work through how he (in my opinion) tricked you into thinking that he was open to having children knowing full well that you would not have continued the relationship if you had believed that you would never have children. This is a big deal and you two need to work through it together, hopefully, he will change his mind and have a good attitude about it.


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post #38 of 39 (permalink) Old 12-23-2019, 10:46 PM
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Re: I want kids, he doesnít.

Instead of worrying about this now, how about putting it all on hold until next year. There's nothing urgent about this decision. Put it out of your mind and have a great holiday season.
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post #39 of 39 (permalink) Old 12-24-2019, 11:27 AM
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Re: I want kids, he doesnít.

Ok, I have a close friend who married in her 30s. Her husband said he didn't want kids three years after they married, right when she was zooming in on having them, even getting off birth control. It was a big issue to her.

By the time she was 40, he 45, they were fighting all the time and divorced.

He was emphatic that he did not want kids. She was devastated. Her biological clock had run out and she was not going to have a kid by herself or marry someone on the quick just to have a child.

They divorced. It was a bitter parting too.

Within 2 years he had remarried and , get this, started having children with the new wife. Last I heard he has three kids.

This nugget of information completely ruined my friend.

She is alone now, past 60. No amount of volunteering at the cat shelter fixes this for her.

It is a sad thing to want kids, have a spouse who changes their mind or at least stops lying about wanting them.

I would call this a deal killer.
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