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post #1 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-01-2020, 04:44 PM Thread Starter
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Letís talk about standards

I hear all the time, have standards, donít lower your standards. Having standards is a reflection of self worth. If you donít have any standards one would say negative things like your easy, desperate, have low self esteem/worth. If your standards are too high then people would say your unrealistic, high maintenance, impossible expectations, and judgmental.

So what are normal standards when dating? Has anyone ever dated someone with too low or too high of standards and what did that look like?

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post #2 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-01-2020, 05:23 PM
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Re: Letís talk about standards

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Has anyone ever dated someone with too low or too high of standards and what did that look like?
I had a first date with a guy I met through OLD years ago. Halfway through the date, I realized he was a bit of a sleaze. Fortunately, I always drove myself to a first date just in case things started going bad. I excused myself to go to the ladies' room, kept walking, got in my car, and drove home.

I'm not sure I know what constitutes standards that are "too high." To my way of thinking, standards are highly subjective. I live by my own standards and nobody else's. What someone thinks is unacceptable may be perfectly fine for someone else.

I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
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post #3 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-01-2020, 05:39 PM
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I think "normal" standards would fall under the umbrella of character attributes, e.g. not abusive, kind, etc. These are typically universally understood as must have attributes. The debate ensues when you get into the more superficial standards like appearance, work, etc.

Personally, I don't have a problem with people who have high standards as long as they themselves can meet them. However I lose all respect for those who can't.
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post #4 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-01-2020, 05:48 PM
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Re: Letís talk about standards

Whatever our standards are, we need to date and marry someone who shares them or it will never work.
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post #5 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-01-2020, 07:06 PM
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Re: Letís talk about standards

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Whatever our standards are, we need to date and marry someone who shares them or it will never work.
I would add to that the importance of actually knowing what those standards are, pointing out that narratives are sometimes not accurate. @Lila pointed out the importance of someone meeting their own standards. I will suggest, again, how important it is to make sure there's transparency and you're not getting fooled by a false narrative that could take years to expose itself.
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post #6 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-01-2020, 09:23 PM
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Re: Letís talk about standards

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Originally Posted by Girl_power View Post
I hear all the time, have standards, donít lower your standards. Having standards is a reflection of self worth. If you donít have any standards one would say negative things like your easy, desperate, have low self esteem/worth. If your standards are too high then people would say your unrealistic, high maintenance, impossible expectations, and judgmental.

So what are normal standards when dating? Has anyone ever dated someone with too low or too high of standards and what did that look like?
So the "normal standards" calculus can get fairly complex. What someone brings to a relationship can cover lots of different attributes (attractiveness, economic resources / income, charm / personality, work ethic, etc) and how they are weighted tends to be different between people and between genders (IE economic contribution tends to be weighted more heavily for men while appearance tends to be weighted more for women). Ideally, you would be matched up with someone that has the same "desirability score" so no one gets resentful or lacks respect for their SO.

Some people don't seem to evaluate themselves realistically. I've seen lots of complaints on forums from women saying that they are being approached by men that aren't compatible or aren't realistic dates. Whether the men or women are wrong in their assessment, I don't know.

My ex at the beginning of the relationship would sometimes comment about how she didn't feel that she measured up or wasn't "good enough" to date me. At the end of the relationship I wasn't good enough for her. I think I was pretty steady and consistent throughout so at some point she was unrealistic.
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post #7 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-02-2020, 12:24 AM
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Re: Letís talk about standards

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My ex at the beginning of the relationship would sometimes comment about how she didn't feel that she measured up or wasn't "good enough" to date me. At the end of the relationship I wasn't good enough for her. I think I was pretty steady and consistent throughout so at some point she was unrealistic.
The "good enough" thing- is that simply unmet expectations? And is it reasonable to think that expectations should remain static? I think the key is how we react to changing expectations, which are bound to happen during a marriage. What was OK when you're young & stupid & have no future, may not be so a couple decades later.
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post #8 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-02-2020, 04:34 AM
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Re: Letís talk about standards

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I hear all the time, have standards, donít lower your standards. Having standards is a reflection of self worth. If you donít have any standards one would say negative things like your easy, desperate, have low self esteem/worth. If your standards are too high then people would say your unrealistic, high maintenance, impossible expectations, and judgmental.

So what are normal standards when dating? Has anyone ever dated someone with too low or too high of standards and what did that look like?
Don't you just simply mean "what do you look for in a partner when dating?"

The premises behind this question need to be challenged.

>>>Having standards is a reflection of self worth.
I guess sort of like what you drive is a reflection of your financial worth?

>>>Has anyone ever dated someone with too low or too high of standards and what did that look like?
Not sure how anyone can really answer this. What does "too low" or "too high" mean? Too low or high to you or to other people? If someone you're dating breaks up with you, do you file that under "too high standards"? When is it about "standards" vs simply preferences or chemistry? If you're dating someone that you think has "too low" standards, does that mean that you think they should be dating someone "better" than you? Or are we supposed to conclude that someone has "too low" standards if they break up with you for someone who is "not as pretty" as you? Or has less money? Or whatever? How are you even supposed to know what your dating partner's "standards" really are?

So if you remove all the noise about what other people will think or worrying about how who you date will reflect on you or your self worth, etc, aren't you really just asking:

"What do you look for in a partner when dating?" How is your question any different from this?

To state it explicitly in case my point is too subtle, using the term "standard" suggests that there is a clearly defined, linear "quality" scale applied to people. I once worked in a supermarket and got to know the USDA standards for meat (Prime, Choice, Select, Standard, etc). The standard is based on clearly defined criteria. Do you mean this kind of thing being applied to people? That's the assumption/premise that sits behind your question. This is problematic and can be even be considered offensive. Sorry but the first thing that comes to mind regarding trying to apply defined quality standards to people in order to determine their worth on an objective scale is the slave trade.

Therefore, instead of trying to answer this question, I reject the premises and assumptions that sit behind it.
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post #9 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-02-2020, 07:56 AM
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Some people don't seem to evaluate themselves realistically. I've seen lots of complaints on forums from women saying that they are being approached by men that aren't compatible or aren't realistic dates. Whether the men or women are wrong in their assessment, I don't know.
This is an interesting topic in and of itself. There have been lots of studies showing that men evaluate themselves less realistically than women. Everything from performance self evaluations to physical appearance has been studied and by far, men rate themselves much higher than women rate themselves.

When it comes to physical appearance, men seem to be wearing permanent rose colored glasses. The most recent study https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...ing-they-think showed men not only find themselves more attractive than they actually are but they find others (men and women) more attractive too.
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post #10 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-02-2020, 08:46 AM
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Re: Letís talk about standards

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Originally Posted by Lila View Post
This is an interesting topic in and of itself. There have been lots of studies showing that men evaluate themselves less realistically than women. Everything from performance self evaluations to physical appearance has been studied and by far, men rate themselves much higher than women rate themselves.

When it comes to physical appearance, men seem to be wearing permanent rose colored glasses. The most recent study https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...ing-they-think showed men not only find themselves more attractive than they actually are but they find others (men and women) more attractive too.
I actually saw an example of this with two people on a show that I can't recall.

The two were meeting off a dating sight and both were overweight, him moreso than her, and he thought she was too heavy for him.

I'm a good judge of male attractiveness and he wasn't that hot even if he had lost weight while the lady in question was definitely a spicier package.

Regardless, he was convinced that he was out of her league. I sometimes wonder if a lot of disgruntled single men aren't like this one?

I'm not just picking on men either as one of Mrs. Conan's sisters had a list of attributes she wanted in a man that looked a lot like me only taller and richer while she was terribly overweight and out of shape and always made terrible life choices. She overlooked a gentleman that had an eye for her but he was a little older and short. He was a great overall package being in great shape and financially secure. He was very kind and mature in his life decisions.

She didn't give him a second glance and, many years later, is still single, even more obese and less healthy and in worse financial shape than before because she keeps making bad decisions.

I don't get people's motivations sometimes and I'm often reminded to be thankful for finding Mrs. C.

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post #11 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-02-2020, 09:00 AM
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Re: Letís talk about standards

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Originally Posted by Girl_power View Post
I hear all the time, have standards, donít lower your standards. Having standards is a reflection of self worth. If you donít have any standards one would say negative things like your easy, desperate, have low self esteem/worth. If your standards are too high then people would say your unrealistic, high maintenance, impossible expectations, and judgmental.

So what are normal standards when dating? Has anyone ever dated someone with too low or too high of standards and what did that look like?
Without reading further, a thought came to mind. 'course I woke up thinking about sex, tmi I know, but that's what led me to this comment so early.

Ever dated someone with too low standards?

Yes, but on purpose. One of the very early "what can I get this girl to do" moments, before I acquired a little more maturity.

As time went on, yes time to time, always kindly, considerate, but each with never a thought of an exclusive or long term relationship consideration.

There are many kinds of "standards" it would be better to know which class or set of standards being asked about.
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post #12 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-02-2020, 09:26 AM
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Re: Letís talk about standards

Now that I've read through.

An additional concept to complement this inquiry; there may be better results when one looks for another with good character. Having that included descriptor connotes one that has a solid foundation that would be a good "teammate".
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post #13 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-02-2020, 10:02 AM
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Re: Letís talk about standards

There aren't any "normal" standards... what's normal for you, it's not normal for me... when I met my future wife, she had very high standards in some aspects of life (not mine) and I had others (not hers)... so, we compromised, we married and had a very dysfunctional marriage...
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post #14 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-02-2020, 10:24 AM
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Re: Letís talk about standards

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There aren't any "normal" standards... what's normal for you, it's not normal for me... when I met my future wife, she had very high standards in some aspects of life (not mine) and I had others (not hers)... so, we compromised, we married and had a very dysfunctional marriage...
That's what I'm saying, in complete agreement.

Standards, or high standards, can mean many different things to many different people.
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post #15 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-02-2020, 10:29 AM
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Re: Letís talk about standards

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Originally Posted by Ragnar Ragnasson View Post
That's what I'm saying, in complete agreement.

Standards, or high standards, can mean many different things to many different people.

Sorry, only read the OP's post... not paying much attention is one of my lower standards...
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