What is normal for a married man - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-03-2020, 04:13 PM Thread Starter
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What is normal for a married man

My husband is 54 and recently I found in his phone's history, years of searching for 100+ women, mostly under 35 years old. I had told him I was going on his phone, so he knew I was looking and I almost gave the phone back because I was done, but saw one woman's name he searched for, then another, then another and then it ended up being at least 100 over the 3 years history on his phone. He works with most of them or has worked with them in the past. There are also other disturbing finds such as my daughter's teacher, sales women from places we've been, our Realtor, moms from my kids' schools, etc. He searches for their phone numbers, addresses, pictures, looks on their social media accounts, Linkedin, whatever is available. He says he's not ever contacted any of them but talked to one on several occasions because she was a mom on my son's school's volleyball team and my husband coached for a while, so he sought her out after games (but this one I could prove, so he had to admit it and others I can't prove). She lives a mile from us and he walks our dog for a good hour a night, so I can't help but wonder if he had been walking by her house, sort of stalking.???

We've had many many problems over the years, in and out of marriage counseling and several years ago had found out from a mutual friend that he had 50+ women on his Linkedin account that were again all under 35, attractive, single, yet he had told me for 10 years that he didn't work with any women and didn't know any. He has "no" female friends. He said yes he did work with women but didn't want to tell me and that they all wanted resume help. He contacted 10 of them giving them his personal phone number on his last day at that company. That brought us to marriage counseling after that and also due to his disappearing at 5am from home (sneaking out of bed, showering then quietly leaving) until he went into the office. When I confronted him about this, he said that he couldn't sleep and went into the office.

Fast forward to now, and here we have twice as many women suddenly appear on his phone and 30+/- years younger than he is. It takes quite a bit of effort to get any type of explanation out of him, but he now says he was just curious about them, never has had any sexual or relationship interest in any of them. That, I find hard to believe. He says he doesn't know why he looks them up, maybe it's due to things he doesn't like in our relationship, then says no that's not why, then says it may be my weight (I've gained 25 lbs. not exactly tremendously significant) then says no it's not, or that they have better careers, then says no it's not. The one volleyball woman lives about a mile from us and my husband walks our dog for a good hour a night and he had mentioned that she was his "favorite" out of all of them, but still has no type of interest in her although he approached her after games to talk numerous times.

I'm at a complete loss as to what to think here. He says he didn't realize there was anything wrong with being attracted to 22 year olds because they're over 18 aside from the fact that he shouldn't be attracted to other women. He says he's curious and attracted to them that's why he looks them up. This has been a weekly occurrence over the past 10 years. A few of the women, he has "followed" online for 3, 5, 10 years. I wonder if this is all typical for married men and over 50.


Last edited by Meredith767; 01-03-2020 at 04:23 PM.
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post #2 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-03-2020, 04:18 PM
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Re: What is normal for a married man

1. He is not focused on you
2. He doesn't have your back
3. He is obsessed with all sorts of women around him
4. You don't trust him and for good reason

Focus on what you do know and go from there.

Also, this is not a marriage problem. This is a personal problem your husband has. He should be in individual counseling. I don't think marriage counseling would do you any good at this point. If you want to stay with him, there will have to be some serious boundaries put in place.

Can you look at his bank statements and credit card statements to see where he is spending money? How about your phone bill? There should be a list of calls and texts made to and from. If you check these things out, you may be able to get a better handle on exactly what is going on.


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post #3 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-03-2020, 04:51 PM
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Re: What is normal for a married man

Most men hunt, fish, golf, spend money on clothes, trucks, cars, and (insert hobby here), and sometimes ogle a woman in a bikini briefly here and there.

That's a lot of women. Not much help from me so far, have to ki d of reread the post. Wow.
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post #4 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-03-2020, 04:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What is normal for a married man

Yes, he's in individual sexual addiction counseling (despite his being rather asexual). He's going for a psychiatric evaluation in 4 weeks.

I do have access now to bank accounts, but it's such a tangled web of transferring money around, and unidentifiable charges, that I'm having a difficult time differentiating things. I've been down the list of texts and calls, but again there are so many strange unidentifiable numbers. I've been on cell phone number tracing websites to no avail. He's been down the list attempting to explain some, but there are some that aren't. Then I thought he'd just have a burner number and secret credit cards. He's a software engineer, so he might have much more knowledge about all this than I would. He really doesn't have any unaccounted for time, except during business hours when he seems to be doing a lot of his looking. Unless he takes days off that I'm unaware of which he could be.
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post #5 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-03-2020, 04:57 PM
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Re: What is normal for a married man

There is nothing wrong with a man, even a married man, being attracted to young women. That's sort of natural. The problem is his actions about it.

Him tracking women they way he has been for years is, in my opinion, scary. He might have contact and even relationships with more than them that he admits. But I doubt he does with all of them. What is he is doing is called stalking.

Why is he in "individual sexual addiction counseling"? Who suggested that he get into that type of counseling? Do you know why it was suggested?

Does he also watch a lot of porn?

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post #6 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-03-2020, 05:01 PM
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Re: What is normal for a married man

edit (while I was typing this you commented that he is asexual, and sex addicted. That pretty much changes everything I've written but still here it is.)

I don't know what is "Normal". Because I'm not normal. But this sentence from your post really worries me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Meredith767 View Post
aside from the fact that he shouldn't be attracted to other women.
I'm pretty sure that it is not normal for any man to not be attracted to any other women. I'm pretty sure that it's not normal for any woman to not be attracted to any other man. The marriage ceremony does not magically install blinders on people to keep them from seeing any other people. That would be a relationship existing in a vacuum. And it just doesn't happen.

Now what a person does after they are attracted to another person is something else. To research (cyberstalk), to walk past their house to collect their information. Well to me that's kind of weird. To flirt with them, to chat them up, to make them part of your circle of friends, That's not something I would do. To date them to ask them out for meals, to visit their homes. To have intimate relationships with them, That's just plain cheating.

Here is the heart of the matter. What is normal or average is not important. What is acceptable to you is important. But remember to be reasonable. don't expect any person (including yourself) to never be attracted. Do expect them (especially your husband) to respond ethically to those feelings.

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post #7 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-03-2020, 05:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What is normal for a married man

I told him to get into counseling whether he wanted to or not this time. The sexual addiction counselor hopefully will cover any addictions/compulsions/obsessions. This was due to what I thought was obsessive of him tracking these women, some for a decade and various ones weekly. Also that he has Asperger's and they do get obsessions, although he's never had any that I knew of, but now I know he does. His obsession is women.

He doesn't watch porn that I know of. He's typically at work or home. Almost all of his time is accounted for except dog walks and business hours.
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post #8 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-03-2020, 05:07 PM
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Re: What is normal for a married man

With all the transferring money around that you have seen from his bank account, it is time to look at the spending histories of all the credit cards he uses. You can take his wallet when he is not looking and take pictures (front and back) of all of them. Go online and look at the charges on each one. If there is one that he has that you can not access, ask him if you can see his wallet, and credit cards. If he tries to hide the ones he thinks you don't know about, show him the pictures that you took of them, and tell him that you must have online access to them so you can see their histories. Financial openness is essential in a healthy marriage.

You may have a big problem ahead of you, that you will cause you to make some life altering decisions. But then again, maybe he will tell you everything to save his marriage.
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post #9 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-03-2020, 05:10 PM
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Re: What is normal for a married man

Quote:
Originally Posted by Meredith767 View Post
I told him to get into counseling whether he wanted to or not this time. The sexual addiction counselor hopefully will cover any addictions/compulsions/obsessions. This was due to what I thought was obsessive of him tracking these women, some for a decade and various ones weekly. Also that he has Asperger's and they do get obsessions, although he's never had any that I knew of, but now I know he does. His obsession is women.

He doesn't watch porn that I know of. He's typically at work or home. Almost all of his time is accounted for except dog walks and business hours.
Ok, so the type of counseling was your suggestion. I think it's the right place to start.

Have you searched in place in your home where he might be hiding things. For example, photos. If it were me, I'd start "deep cleaning" the house to make sure that there is nothing stuffed away somewhere... like photos perhaps. I know it sounds paranoid, but when ever I've been suspicious about strange behavior I've done that and have found things that helped me figure out what was going on.

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post #10 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-03-2020, 05:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What is normal for a married man

Right, I'm trying to be reasonable about this. I realize he's seen attractive people in the past 17 years, but to search them out, flirt with them, many of them and much younger, is getting beyond my scope. This is all unreasonable behavior to me, but he likes to say that he doesn't understand my rules for marriage and some of his friends have very lenient wives. I am not one of them.

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post #11 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-03-2020, 05:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What is normal for a married man

Thanks for your suggestions. I tried to work quickly at first not knowing the extent of my situation and being concerned for my kids and our finances. First things I did were to contact an attorney, printed out financials, got some kids' accounts in my name only, accessed cash into my account, etc. Then he had 3 weeks of vacation *at home*. Now I need to figure out accounts and financials, spending. But again, he could have been paying cash, or has other unknown accounts. I can ask for a credit report and see what's on there.
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post #12 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-03-2020, 05:25 PM
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Re: What is normal for a married man

No its not normal, not for a man with any sense of faithfulness and integrity anyway.
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post #13 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-03-2020, 05:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What is normal for a married man

That's what I think, but he says that he thought cheating was having a full on affair. Interesting that he hasn't heard of an emotional affair or any other kind of unfaithfulness. Being an Asperger, that may be true and that things have to be fully spelled out for them due to their lack of reading social cues. I'm not sure that I'm believing he's that socially inept.
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post #14 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-03-2020, 05:38 PM
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Re: What is normal for a married man

The Aspergers may come into the picture at some point. But still this is way extreme.

Beware at some point he may (wrongly) become weary of your "meddling" (although you're doing right) and suddenly want to divest himself of your constantly "antagonizing" him.

One with Asperger's syndrome can "flip a switch" on their emotions sometimes and a perceived threat becomes something to shed.

You know most about him and your relationship. It can get better.
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post #15 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-03-2020, 05:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What is normal for a married man

Yes, his "flipping switches" will be evaluated with the psychiatrist and I plan on requesting everything is checked into and ruled out such as personality disorders, bipolar, etc.

I'm trying to keep a low profile in the meantime with what all I've been up to, sort of flying under the radar as much as I can, and keeping things seeming normal for my 2 kids at home. I'm in high alert though and have tried to get things in order if he does do something drastic.
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