Hi all - I'm writing to seek advice on the emotional aspect of leaving my husband. We have been married for 5 years (6 in July) and I am preparing to give birth to my 4th child (our 3rd together) next month. I have decided to leave my husband and am planning to do so in August. I feel this gives me some time to prepare financially, not to mention recover from childbirth and begin adjusting to life with 4 kids. I am not concerned about either of the aforementioned aspects: I earn a decent amount to support us and will be near family for additional support, and I have pretty much been a single parent to my 3 kids as long as I've had 3 kids due to my husband's workaholism. The thing I struggle with is the emotional piece - putting away money secretly, planning to consult attorneys and making alternative living arrangements, all in secret while my husband continues with life as usual. I feel like it is a betrayal and I feel badly for him. I know he will be "blind-sided" when I pull the trigger, despite my having warned him for years of the consequences of his workaholism and the fact that each year I become more bitter, angry and distant because he chooses his work over our marriage and family every time. What we have isn't a marriage or a partnership. He has the business and I manage EVERYTHING else. I am beyond exhausted (third trimester 😴:-)
and hopeless that our situation will never change- it hasn't since we've been married. I've told him all of these things many times every year, and it seems to me that the more I tell him, the more determined he is to continue in his choices, leaving me to barely survive with everything else. I am angry and have come to nearly hate him and his work.
But then when I think about what I am planning, I feel bad. I almost feel guilty having any sort of pleasant conversation with him, as if I am lying about the state of our life together. So, for anyone having left a spouse, how do you navigate the emotions of separating from someone you once loved, someone for whom you feel pity - I know his life will be dreadfully impacted. But I just cant keep doing the same song and dance knowing it will never change. I wish I could leave right now, but it is smarter to wait. I just hate how life will continue on "normally" for months and then in August I will destroy the status quo and completely disrupt our family. But I need to for my sanity and for my kids' childhood - of that i have no doubt. But how do you reconcile your feelings on a day to day basis? Has anyone else struggled with the notion that you're living a lie while secretly planning the doom of your marriage?
Thanks so much for reading, and thanks in advance for your input and advice!