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post #76 of 83 (permalink) Old 01-11-2020, 04:31 PM
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Re: Planning to Leave

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I don't consider what this is to be a partnership. He has not met my needs since being married, including financial, as he has always insisted I "contribute" as if raising the kids nd managing everything in the home isn't contributing. He works from 6am til probably 11pm, on average - 2 jobs, 1 to help pay the bills and the other is the business he started without consulting me and which he intends to eventually be the only source of income. He doesn't ever take any days off to spend with us.

When we got married I made it clear I wanted four kids. He agreed, and he promised to raise my oldest as his own. I have the means to raise four kids without him and always have. I currently work three afternoons a week and pay a babysitter to be with the kids while I am gone. I have continued to work because at the beginning he required me to and as time went on, because I figured I would need a way to support my kids someday.

He has kids from previous relationships, one of which used to come every other weekend (my husband was rarely home for these visits). He threatened to his psychiatrist that he wanted to murder my children and actually had a plan on how he would do it. With my husband never around, I put an end to those visits, but have encouraged him to continue working on his relationship with his son (which he won't do because he is working).

I have asked him to leave twice and he won't. He told me the last time that divorce papers are the only way he will leave, and I told him I could provide them. I have made it clear on countless occasions that I am miserable with our life because we are not partners in anything. I have no say in the business and haven't from the start. I wanted to raise a family together and he wants to build his empire. We want different things. But of course I didn't know that until after we got married because he won't communicate honestly, but instead tells me what I want to hear.

I think I answered most of the questions. Perhaps that will allow for some constructive feedback.
How would working just 3 afternoons a week provide for you and 4 children?

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post #77 of 83 (permalink) Old 01-11-2020, 05:21 PM
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Re: Planning to Leave

I understand your frustration, but what really bothers me is that you purposefully had four children with this man, because that's what you wanted, knowing all along that he was not meeting your needs or being an attentive husband or father. Once you had your four children, you decided to wait until you are ready, after you got what you wanted and are comfortable enough to file for divorce. Despite the issues that your husband obviously has, you have used him in a most unkind manner and now you are continuing to do so. It's seems that he is a baby vending machine that has outlived its usefulness to you.


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post #78 of 83 (permalink) Old 01-11-2020, 05:50 PM
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Re: Planning to Leave

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I understand your frustration, but what really bothers me is that you purposefully had four children with this man, because that's what you wanted, knowing all along that he was not meeting your needs or being an attentive husband or father. Once you had your four children, you decided to wait until you are ready, after you got what you wanted and are comfortable enough to file for divorce. Despite the issues that your husband obviously has, you have used him in a most unkind manner and now you are continuing to do so. It's seems that he is a baby vending machine that has outlived its usefulness to you.
Something I didn't think about until now... if the husband is such an awful person, do you really want to be reminded of him each time you look at one of the kids you had with him? Also, wouldn't we be concerned that whatever makes someone troublesome might get passed on to the next generation?

If I were to split from my wife, my kids would forever be a reminder of the time I spent with her.

More reasons why I think it *does* matter, when considering divorce, if you have kids with that person or not.
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post #79 of 83 (permalink) Old 01-11-2020, 06:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Cynthia View Post
I understand your frustration, but what really bothers me is that you purposefully had four children with this man, because that's what you wanted, knowing all along that he was not meeting your needs or being an attentive husband or father. Once you had your four children, you decided to wait until you are ready, after you got what you wanted and are comfortable enough to file for divorce. Despite the issues that your husband obviously has, you have used him in a most unkind manner and now you are continuing to do so. It's seems that he is a baby vending machine that has outlived its usefulness to you.
Something I didn't think about until now... if the husband is such an awful person, do you really want to be reminded of him each time you look at one of the kids you had with him? Also, wouldn't we be concerned that whatever makes someone troublesome might get passed on to the next generation?

If I were to split from my wife, my kids would forever be a reminder of the time I spent with her.

More reasons why I think it *does* matter, when considering divorce, if you have kids with that person or not.
@Casual Observer you have hit a new low. Frankly this is an inane argument. Sane parents don't stop loving their kids just because they may not like the other generic donor.

As a Moderator..... Stop with the attacks of the OP. Last warning.
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post #80 of 83 (permalink) Old 01-11-2020, 06:30 PM
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Re: Planning to Leave

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Too bad that it will take a divorce to make him be available to his children.
Why do you think he will be available to his children after the divorce? He already has a child who he ignores, as if that child doesn't exist. Once these children no longer live with him, they will never see him either, so their relationship with him will be even less than it already is.

I think it's important to recognize this going forward in order to prepare for what the future holds. You (op) have already been raising the children alone. It may improve when you don't have his chores to do as well as your own, but you won't get any help with the children from him.


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post #81 of 83 (permalink) Old 01-11-2020, 06:37 PM
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Re: Planning to Leave

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Why do you think he will be available to his children after the divorce? He already has a child who he ignores, as if that child doesn't exist. Once these children no longer live with him, they will never see him either, so their relationship with him will be even less than it already is.

I think it's important to recognize this going forward in order to prepare for what the future holds. You (op) have already been raising the children alone. It may improve when you don't have his chores to do as well as your own, but you won't get any help with the children from him.
I forgot about his other child. I don't remember if he or the OP insisted in the older child coming over until he/she began to make threats against their younger children.

He might very well not pursue a 50/50 custody plan, however if he does, he will have to spend some time with them on his days.
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post #82 of 83 (permalink) Old 01-11-2020, 06:41 PM
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Re: Planning to Leave

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Thanks for this reply. I appreciate your "hearing" me. Ultimately, I would love for the divorce papers to be a successful wake up call and testament to my seriousness in desiring change. With my baby coming in 6 weeks, I had wanted to delay everything while I navigate the first few months of newborn haze again, but I don't necessarily have to wait. My concern in serving divorce papers as a wake up call is that he may make the changes necessary for now. But what happens when, a few years down the road, he reverts back to his workaholism? I guess then I actually divorce him? I've been waiting for him to want to change, to want to be with us more, to want to lead our family in the life we talked about from the start. That's obviously not happening. But if he "changes" to avoid a divorce, it's only a matter of time before he reverts back, and then to threaten a divorce again feels less weighty and serious to me. And I don't believe divorce should be tossed around lightly ever. I'm so skeptical because he always just tells people what they want to hear. I believe that scenario would be no different. But I guess maybe that is more of a proper protocol to follow: papers served -> change made -> time passes -> old behaviors surface -> papers served -> actual divorce? Is that a better route?
It is possible that this could happen, but most people do not change until it becomes more difficult to stay with the status quo than to make changes. If he recognizes that it's not working for him anymore, he may actually make a permanent change. This is probably the only thing that might bring about change in him, but of course there are no guarantees. If you think this might be a possibility that he would have the wake up call that he needs, it may be in your best interests as well as the children to give him that chance. You can still retain an attorney and file, but back off if he asks for another chance.

From what you have written, you have tried to get him more involved, but he has not responded favorably. If he did respond favorably to you actually filing for divorce, it could be a whole new world for all of you, but I would highly recommend you find a competent counselor who can help keep the marriage on track if that happens. This could especially good if he becomes and involved parents. It would take stress off of you and give the children another parent they can rely on and build a relationship with. It may be worth a try, if (big if) he actually cares about his family at all, but you would need some guidelines in order to keep on the right track and make sure that his behaviors, not only about workaholicism, but also about how he speaks to you and treats you, become acceptable and he learns how to be a loving, involved husband and father. He can learn, but he would have to have guidance and put in the effort.


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post #83 of 83 (permalink) Old 01-11-2020, 08:03 PM
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Re: Planning to Leave

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@Casual Observer you have hit a new low. Frankly this is an inane argument. Sane parents don't stop loving their kids just because they may not like the other generic donor.

As a Moderator..... Stop with the attacks of the OP. Last warning.
My apologies. Didn't realize earlier warning was directed at me. Thank you for the warning.
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