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post #1 of 131 (permalink) Old 01-15-2020, 01:57 PM Thread Starter
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Oldest daughter heard him on Porn

Ok here is a situation.

A husband has a porn addiction. It's pretty perverted but it's all fantasy during that time. The 30 year old step-daughter happen to get up in the morning to use the bathroom and overheard him playing out a perverted act using her name while watching porn. She was utterly disgusted. The daughter is living with him and her mom, with her young daughter til she gets a job so all are living in the same house and this happens.

What kind of advise can I give all involved? Here is how it played out and where things are so far:

1. The daughter went and told her mom out of disgust.
2. The mom confronted the husband and first he acted outraged and defensive because he felt like it's his house and he didn't think anyone was up. I think he was just embarrassed so he reacted.
3. The daughter got upset with the mom because she felt this is where she should draw the line and divorce him, but the mom said she didn't like that this happend but they have been working thru it.
4. After everything calmed down, the husband did approach the daughter and apologized sincerely.
5. The daughter is just disgusted and doesn't want anything to do with him anymore so now they just don't speak and she won't even let her 1 year old daughter around him.
6. The mother has pretty much backed away and let them work it out because she says she doesn't know what else to say about it.

Any thoughts?

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post #2 of 131 (permalink) Old 01-15-2020, 02:02 PM
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Re: Oldest daughter heard him on Porn

Wow.

I got nothing. Maybe some time passing will help but who knows.
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post #3 of 131 (permalink) Old 01-15-2020, 02:11 PM
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Re: Oldest daughter heard him on Porn

From the account posted, I'm going to take a wild guess that this was some sort of stepfather/stepdaughter fantasy thing.

According to YouPorn's year in retrospect for 2018, the second highest search term for all men was "Step mom". Not exactly the same thing, but the genre is prevalent, popular, and ubiquitous on even the mainstream porn sites. Just for your information.

Shaming someone for their fantasy life is not IMHO a good thing, especially if he has never shown any actual predatory behavior. He was sloppy and got busted, which should cause a pretty harsh "behind a locked door" conversation, but asking your mom to divorce the man? That is not her right. Keeping her children away is certainly something she can choose, especially since most sexual abuse comes for a family member. I don't know the man, and I don't know if this is reasonable or not.

But as long as he is not a predator, this sounds like an embarrassing situation run out of control. Everyone should take an Ambien and he should ensure that it never happens again.
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post #4 of 131 (permalink) Old 01-15-2020, 02:23 PM
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Re: Oldest daughter heard him on Porn

What is there to give advice about, really? Tell the mom to divorce him? She doesn’t want to. Tell the stepdad to quit fantasizing about his stepdaughter? Good luck with that. Tell the stepdaughter to pretend it’s all good again? I don’t think so.

My advice is to stay out of it.
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post #5 of 131 (permalink) Old 01-15-2020, 02:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Oldest daughter heard him on Porn

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cletus View Post
From the account posted, I'm going to take a wild guess that this was some sort of stepfather/stepdaughter fantasy thing.

According to YouPorn's year in retrospect for 2018, the second highest search term for all men was "Step mom". Not exactly the same thing, but the genre is prevalent, popular, and ubiquitous on even the mainstream porn sites. Just for your information.

Shaming someone for their fantasy life is not IMHO a good thing, especially if he has never shown any actual predatory behavior. He was sloppy and got busted, which should cause a pretty harsh "behind a locked door" conversation, but asking your mom to divorce the man? That is not her right. Keeping her children away is certainly something she can choose, especially since most sexual abuse comes for a family member. I don't know the man, and I don't know if this is reasonable or not.

But as long as he is not a predator, this sounds like an embarrassing situation run out of control. Everyone should take an Ambien and he should ensure that it never happens again.
Yes it was more of an embarrassing situation. The mom didn't shame the man, she just brought the situation to his attention and I think his reaction was out of embarrassment. I do think the daughter went too far. I mean yes she felt disgusted but to put that kind of pressure on the mom was not called for. I think the mom hates it happend because now the daughter knows his dirty little secret. The mom and him can handle his "addiction" and I think they are working through it but it's hard to explain all that to someone who doesn't have to deal with it. He's not a pervert or looking at the daughter in a crazy way. The porn just had him caught up. But try explaining that to the person who is disgusted.

I think they are all just letting time heal it all. I feel for all of them because it's just uncomfortable for everyone involved. Thanks.
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post #6 of 131 (permalink) Old 01-15-2020, 02:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Oldest daughter heard him on Porn

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Originally Posted by Openminded View Post
What is there to give advice about, really? Tell the mom to divorce him? She doesn’t want to. Tell the stepdad to quit fantasizing about his stepdaughter? Good luck with that. Tell the stepdaughter to pretend it’s all good again? I don’t think so.

My advice is to stay out of it.
True. Pretty much I just told the mom let time heal all wounds and let it all just play out. As long as she has a relationship with her daughter and grand daughter, and her marriage is still intact. Move on. The daughter at 30 years old doesn't HAVE to have a relationship with her mom's husband. That may be the only price he husband will have to pay for his "sins" and quite frankly they are not close so I doubt it will be any skin off his back.

Thanks.
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post #7 of 131 (permalink) Old 01-15-2020, 02:32 PM
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Re: Oldest daughter heard him on Porn

My mother would have said "least said, soonest mended"

Touch situation. Ugh.
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post #8 of 131 (permalink) Old 01-15-2020, 03:46 PM
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Re: Oldest daughter heard him on Porn

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Originally Posted by Cletus View Post
From the account posted, I'm going to take a wild guess that this was some sort of stepfather/stepdaughter fantasy thing.

According to YouPorn's year in retrospect for 2018, the second highest search term for all men was "Step mom". Not exactly the same thing, but the genre is prevalent, popular, and ubiquitous on even the mainstream porn sites. Just for your information.

Shaming someone for their fantasy life is not IMHO a good thing, especially if he has never shown any actual predatory behavior. He was sloppy and got busted, which should cause a pretty harsh "behind a locked door" conversation, but asking your mom to divorce the man? That is not her right. Keeping her children away is certainly something she can choose, especially since most sexual abuse comes for a family member. I don't know the man, and I don't know if this is reasonable or not.

But as long as he is not a predator, this sounds like an embarrassing situation run out of control. Everyone should take an Ambien and he should ensure that it never happens again.
And here I'll disagree with the majority. There may be fantasies that are healthy, but a fantasy that involves a family member, something where in real life it would be very disturbing, and played out under the same roof that the family member is currently living... that is going way too far and may require intervention. The whole problem with the addictive nature of porn, for those susceptible, is the blurring of lines between fantasy and reality. I think many would agree that that's the point where porn becomes a problem? And when you use real life characters who could walk in on you?

This is way too uncomfortable for me to give a pass. The thread title is a bit misleading; it sounds like oldest daughter walked in on him while he was acting out on porn. Should be oldest daughter overheard her fantasizing about HER while viewing porn. Big difference.
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post #9 of 131 (permalink) Old 01-15-2020, 05:15 PM
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Re: Oldest daughter heard him on Porn

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Originally Posted by MZMEE View Post
Ok here is a situation.

A husband has a porn addiction. It's pretty perverted but it's all fantasy during that time. The 30 year old step-daughter happen to get up in the morning to use the bathroom and overheard him playing out a perverted act using her name while watching porn. She was utterly disgusted. The daughter is living with him and her mom, with her young daughter til she gets a job so all are living in the same house and this happens.

What kind of advise can I give all involved? Here is how it played out and where things are so far:

1. The daughter went and told her mom out of disgust.
2. The mom confronted the husband and first he acted outraged and defensive because he felt like it's his house and he didn't think anyone was up. I think he was just embarrassed so he reacted.
3. The daughter got upset with the mom because she felt this is where she should draw the line and divorce him, but the mom said she didn't like that this happend but they have been working thru it.
4. After everything calmed down, the husband did approach the daughter and apologized sincerely.
5. The daughter is just disgusted and doesn't want anything to do with him anymore so now they just don't speak and she won't even let her 1 year old daughter around him.
6. The mother has pretty much backed away and let them work it out because she says she doesn't know what else to say about it.

Any thoughts?
First, it is the husband and mom's house, so husband can have whatever fantasies he wants in the privacy of his own home. It was the middle of the night, he thought no one was awake...so as an adult human, he's allowed sexually express himself in his house.

The fact he used step-D's name doesn't mean he was fantasizing about her specifically--sometimes you just gotta pick a name and her name is "nearby" so go with it. Thus I don't jump to the conclusion he was fantasizing about her.

Daughter has no right that I can see to expect her mom to divorce husband over this. I mean, if mom found D's hubby in his fantasy/kink, she'd probably feel the heebie-jeebies too (cuz who thinks of their parents or kids "that way"). The only exception I can think of would be if husband WAS fantasizing about her specifically (not just using the name) and/or if it was some kind of pedophila kind of kink.

If D isn't comfortable, she's a fully grown adult and personally responsible for herself...she can move out and support her own self. If she accepts the support of "parental units" she's going to have to accept that they are sexual beings.

If D wants to keep her child (grand-daughter) away from husband, that's her perogative. She's the parent. She has a duty to protect her child (the grand-daughter) and she's allowed to believe this is too disgusting. Long story short, she can protect her child with a boundary and the grand-parents can decide if they will or will not live by that boundary. If they decide to NOT live by that boundary, then they won't see their grand-kid...it's simple.

D doesn't need to have a relationship with step-dad. They can even be distant. As long as she's living in his house, though, she'll have to at minimum be respectful and civil toward him in his own home.

If it were me, this isn't a great topic to discuss with kids, but sometimes people just need to have a talk. If I were the mom, I would have a frank talk with the D rather than bury it, and then I'd like D and husband have whatever relationship they are going to have. It's up to the two of them (not her) to relate ... OR NOT.


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post #10 of 131 (permalink) Old 01-15-2020, 05:18 PM
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Re: Oldest daughter heard him on Porn

I gotta go with OMG.

I don't think porn is very healthy to begin with...

But that isn't even the issue here. He is using porn to actively fantasize about a person living in the same house. Is the mother out of her mind? If I every remarried and caught my new husband watching porn while fantasizing about my daughter, yes there would be a problem.

The intro doesn't even address what kind of porn. I mean the whole situation to me is wrong but the daughter might be extra offend/ worried if it was any kind of forceful situation like face ****ing, holding down during any act. I haven't see a lot of porn but it seems now days much of it has kind of a unhealthy force or violent tendencies against women. To be watching that while being in the same household is going outside the bounds of fantasy if you ask me.

It is the difference between a romance novel and an emotional affair. One is clearly not real the other is a few drinks / miscommunication / what have you from some very real actions.

And it does go a long way to note...
1 in 6 women experience rape or attempted rape in their lifetime. The vast majority of which are committed by people known to them and often some form of family member.

Here's clip from a standard psych page.

"And research suggests that the more times a person predisposed to rape spends engaging in deviant thoughts and viewing risk-enhancing material, the more likely they are at some point to act on them. So visiting such sites is not without risk — especially because the “connections” a person can make to others frequenting the sites and participating in the “games” can result in an unwitting connection to a skilled predator."


So I don't know what advice I'd give the Mom. I don't think the daughter is out of line to speak to her mother about her concerns or to be worried about the situation or to guard her daughter. If he is a porn addict it would take a lot of research to see 'all' the genre's he watches. Maybe he's already addicted to child porn. Who knows.

I think I'd see if I could help the daughter financially to get out of the house sooner. OF course that is assume she doesn't help herself out of the marriage. I'm afraid I wouldn't be in this situation because I wouldn't 'handle' the porn addiction so well myself.

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post #11 of 131 (permalink) Old 01-15-2020, 06:53 PM
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Re: Oldest daughter heard him on Porn

Came here to say basically what @Affaircare said, but even harsher.

My advice would be to throw the 30 year old child out.

I’m on the fence about “porn addiction.” To me, it’s only a problem if it’s a problem. For some, a porn addiction is if someone watches it at all, for others it’s watching it alone, for others yet it’s only a problem if it impacts the relationship in a demonstrable way. Meaning, it’s hurting your sex life. That’s where I’m at on the spectrum.

If the porn specifically was targeted towards the adult daughter, then that’s squicky for sure. But it most likely wasn’t. You’d look for porn stars that look like the person, not have the same name, I’d think.

So what I think what happened was an adult daughter caught her stepdad going at it in the bathroom. His bathroom.

In my mind, she should either be more discreet about such things and not sit there listening at the door being disgusted when she’s an adult guest of her parent. It’s their house, not the 30 year old adult child. It’s no different than overhearing them bang, and being all “what about your grandchild” when it really should be “are you going to move out yet if you find it awkward to live with your sexually active parents?”

Calling for a divorce... wow, how about an entitled 30 year old child with a kid of her own. If you’re going to keep your kid away every man that’s spanked one to perverted porn, then I guess you’re going to live on a woman-only island or something. And women are no different.

Last edited by Marduk; 01-15-2020 at 06:57 PM.
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post #12 of 131 (permalink) Old 01-15-2020, 07:14 PM
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Re: Oldest daughter heard him on Porn

This is kind of a chicken or egg situation. Did the pervert seek out perverted porn or did the perverted porn turn him into a pervert? It doesn't really matter as this guy is a pervert and Mom is chill and working through it.

Daughter has a right to protect her child however she sees fit. Should she decide to never let her mom or mom's perverted consort be alone with the child, she is within her rights. She would be wise to set up her own domicile as soon as possible.

He's only sorry he got caught - not that he was using his step-daughter as spank material. ****ing creep.

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post #13 of 131 (permalink) Old 01-15-2020, 07:16 PM
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Re: Oldest daughter heard him on Porn

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He's only sorry he got caught - not that he was using his step-daughter as spank material. ****ing creep.
How do we know that? Porn is usually about what people look like, not what name they call each other. The name could have easily been a coincidence.
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post #14 of 131 (permalink) Old 01-15-2020, 10:45 PM
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Re: Oldest daughter heard him on Porn

I have no idea why the mother would think she should be with him. Bad enough that he uses porn a lot, far worse that he is fantasising about his step daughter while watching it. If I was that mum I would support my daughter and granddaughter and put them first. I can fully understand how that daughter must feel and I would be upset that my mother wasn't supporting me over him.
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post #15 of 131 (permalink) Old 01-15-2020, 10:53 PM
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Re: Oldest daughter heard him on Porn

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I gotta go with OMG.

I don't think porn is very healthy to begin with...

But that isn't even the issue here. He is using porn to actively fantasize about a person living in the same house. Is the mother out of her mind? If I every remarried and caught my new husband watching porn while fantasizing about my daughter, yes there would be a problem.

The intro doesn't even address what kind of porn. I mean the whole situation to me is wrong but the daughter might be extra offend/ worried if it was any kind of forceful situation like face ****ing, holding down during any act. I haven't see a lot of porn but it seems now days much of it has kind of a unhealthy force or violent tendencies against women. To be watching that while being in the same household is going outside the bounds of fantasy if you ask me.

It is the difference between a romance novel and an emotional affair. One is clearly not real the other is a few drinks / miscommunication / what have you from some very real actions.

And it does go a long way to note...
1 in 6 women experience rape or attempted rape in their lifetime. The vast majority of which are committed by people known to them and often some form of family member.

Here's clip from a standard psych page.

"And research suggests that the more times a person predisposed to rape spends engaging in deviant thoughts and viewing risk-enhancing material, the more likely they are at some point to act on them. So visiting such sites is not without risk — especially because the “connections” a person can make to others frequenting the sites and participating in the “games” can result in an unwitting connection to a skilled predator."


So I don't know what advice I'd give the Mom. I don't think the daughter is out of line to speak to her mother about her concerns or to be worried about the situation or to guard her daughter. If he is a porn addict it would take a lot of research to see 'all' the genre's he watches. Maybe he's already addicted to child porn. Who knows.

I think I'd see if I could help the daughter financially to get out of the house sooner. OF course that is assume she doesn't help herself out of the marriage. I'm afraid I wouldn't be in this situation because I wouldn't 'handle' the porn addiction so well myself.
Agreed, but even if the daughter moved out the problem is still there. The fact is that this man thinks its acceptable to use porn to fantasise about his step daughter, and she must feel so uncomfortable around him now whether that is living there or visiting. The mum isn't doing enough to protect her daughter and granddaughter and she may well loose them.

Last edited by Diana7; 01-16-2020 at 06:23 PM.
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